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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at my friend accidentally letting my baby dunk his hand in her hot tea

115 replies

Flingmoo · 27/10/2014 23:39

A couple of days later and this is still on my mind for some reason. Mainly just venting here.

I was visiting a couple of young, childless friends and we were all drinking tea. I put my mug far away from where I sat while holding 5mo DS as I'm paranoid about hot drink safely. My friends love holding my baby so I handed him over.

I saw their mugs and the danger crossed my mind but for some stupid reason I held my tongue and assumed they'd be careful with my little PFB. Turned my back to chat to the other friend and suddenly heard my baby scream out in pain. My friend had her tea too close to the edge of the table and being 5 months old he's now a lot more wriggly than last time they saw him, he'd flapped his arms and dunked a hand in her mug, which then tipped over and went all over my friend.

I do feel responsible as I'm his mother and should have pointed out the danger or just moved her mug myself. But I was also very pissed off that she didn't prevent this. I didn't tell her off because I didn't want to let it ruin the day, but inside I was seething, she seemed to blame the baby rather than expressing any guilt. I don't think she even said sorry. Surely she felt guilty. She just seemed a bit awkward afterwards.

She's one of my best and oldest friends and now I don't trust her to babysit for him in the future, if she's this oblivious to risk. I thought it would be obvious but perhaps non parents are not so safety aware?

I should add that DS was okay in the end, it didn't seem to have scalded him as after a quick run under the cold tap and a comfort feed he forgot about it and there was no mark. The tea had milk in which must've reduced the temperature. But the sight of him looking up at me in shock screaming with that "mummy, it hurts!" look on his face broke my heart :(

I know I'm responsible but still a bit annoyed with said friend.

OP posts:

Idiotdh · 28/10/2014 00:23

Disagree..if I was holding the baby I would feel responsible for trying to keep that baby safe.parents can't hover over others holding their baby there has to be some trust.

blanketyblank100 · 28/10/2014 00:36

Being bossy about your baby is something you have to learn when becoming a parent. It doesn't (for me at least) just happen naturally. I really have struggled with this because I'm not usually a dictator! But when your baby is relying on you there is no excuse not to spell out his needs and anything unsafe. As others have said, your friend has no idea how significant the event was to you, not being a mum, and she probably didn't realise what an elementary mistake she'd made, either. So it was your call (though I'd have been unfairly piqued as well!). Sounds like you've learnt this lesson in a relatively harmless way. Be thankful...a family member's baby met with a scalding accident in very similar circumstances is now looking at months or years of skin grafts and development issues. I obviously haven't asked but I do wonder if she wishes she'd controlled the movement mugs of boiling water around her baby more carefully....Listening to her story, I certainly would very dogmatic in future when it comes to risk and inexperienced other care-givers.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/10/2014 00:46

Minding hot drinks is the parent's responsibility - it doesn't occur to you until you have a child and then it does - you have to move cups, turn off front burners on stoves etc.

When my best friends started to have babies I was thrilled for them and loved seeing their babies - but I certainly never wanted to babysit for them. I wouldn't take it for granted that she will want to babysit - doesn't mean she won't love your baby.

Mitzimaybe · 28/10/2014 00:54

Is this a reverse? If not, YABU.

FluffyMcnuffy · 28/10/2014 00:57

I didn't tell her off because I didn't want to let it ruin the day

You lost me at this. Do you usually "tell off" other adults?

You saw the hazard and did nothing, your friend probably didn't see the danger, therefore YABU.

AlleyCat11 · 28/10/2014 00:59

Won't let it ruin your friendship? Gawd sake... As, you said your child-free friend was oblivious to the danger. Now she knows. So maybe it's a good thing, really. The child came to no harm & you both learned a lesson. Move the cup next time.

DirtyOldTown · 28/10/2014 01:04

I think you must be exaggerating the incident, tbh. To be left without a mark, after 'screaming in pain'? The tea was obviously not very hot, hot tea can blister and burn adults let alone a baby or child. Instead of all the seething, venting and wanting your friend to feel guilty you should be grateful you weren't sitting in ER with a seriously injured baby.

EatDereksCorpse · 28/10/2014 01:28

Fucking hell!

Some of these responses!

It was an accident that could have happened to anyone. Doesn't mean OP neglected her child or her friend doesn't care about safety!

Fucking hell man.

I've hurt my son accidentally several times! How any people can say they haven't accidentky hurt their child in some way? From banging their head when getting them in or out of car seat to kneeing them in the face as they run past you super fast with no warning?!

DuchessofKirkcaldy · 28/10/2014 01:35

But there was warning.
The op saw the hot liquid near her child.
Yes, accidents happen and this was am accident.
But if the op sees it as something to attribute blame for ( which she clearly does) then she must accept that at least some of the blame is hers.

fackinell · 28/10/2014 01:45

Threads like this irritate me. Us 'childless' as you put it are more than capable of risk assessing. As you said, you saw the risk and said nothing. You can hardly blame your friend for that. I've seen potentially life threatening situation that parents have put children in and pointed them out. She probably won't mind not having the honour of babysitting.

CheerfulYank · 28/10/2014 01:47

It's so sad when little ones get hurt but YABU to be mad at her for it. It was an accident. :)

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 28/10/2014 02:01

Your friend is not to blame at all in any way; and you can be sure she'll remember it and be more aware in the future without your having to preach at her, or give her a lecture. That would just be ridiculous and is far more likely to end the friendship.

VenusRising · 28/10/2014 02:14

I think your are more annoyed with yourself, and rightly.

"the danger crossed my mind but for some stupid reason I held my tongue and assumed they'd be careful with my little PFB"

This says it all to me.

You need to learn to speak up, no one can read your mind and if you don't say what you need, no one will second guess you (why should they, they're busy) and especially someone who doesn't have kids themselves.

Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for not speaking up when you knew you should have done, and learn from your mistake.

Hope your little boy is fine.

DirtyOldTown · 28/10/2014 02:20

No one is saying accidents don't happen, Derek. Of course they do, and of course most parents will have somehow inadvertently hurt their own children. But the issue the OP has is that she is upset with her friend. OP saw the tea, and although she is 'paranoid about hot drink safety' she CHOSE not to say something or move the cup herself. OP is now seething with friend, doesn't trust to friend to babysit in future and wants friend to feel guilty, yet all the while claiming she (OP) feels responsible. Doesn't sound like it, does it?

Trapper · 28/10/2014 03:47

No harm done. Doesn't sound like the tea was that hot as it didn't scald pfb. Presumably your friend wasn't hurt either?
PFB will have many more accidents, with and without the help of others. They happen. Your friend would probably be a better babysitter for the experience as they now have a better idea of what pfb is capable of and will be more alert.
Sorry you had a shock, but you do need to let it go and move on.

shhChangingDirection · 28/10/2014 04:59

I don't think you are angry with your friend but that you are angry with yourself. Don't be. Your baby is absolutely fine. Accidents happen and this one has no consequences except that everyone learnt something -hurrah

Flangeshrub · 28/10/2014 05:19

You lost me at your absolute assurance that she wants to babysit, she loves your DS. I bet she just finds him a wriggly, pain in the arse who burns her with hot tea.

Not everyone finds your DC as cute and delicious as you (sadly).

LadyLuck10 · 28/10/2014 06:31

He survived didn't he?
Yabu and a bit ridiculous to be angry at your friend. It was an accident.

hiccupgirl · 28/10/2014 06:45

I'm sorry but you as the parent saw the danger and didn't say anything...this makes it your responsibility not your friend who is not as aware as you. You say yourself your baby is more wriggly than last time she saw them so you should have spoken up.

It's just something you have to start doing with less aware friends and people. I find friends with older or less wriggly children also tend to leave drinks close to my DS who is nearly 5 but all over the place sometimes. I move them or keep DS away because I know he is useless still at remembering about hot drinks and it's my responsibility to keep him safe not everyone else's.

It's not nice seeing your baby shocked but there was no harm done and you will remember next time to speak up. Don't hold it against your friend, it wasn't her responsibly to be thinking about it.

gamerchick · 28/10/2014 06:48

You're being ridiculous OP.. give your head a wobble that sometimes accidents are just that and you move the cup in future.. and for the love of god don't start to bitch about it to your mates.

man you have no idea what's coming accident wise... just wait until you let him roll off the bed

whois · 28/10/2014 06:49

Well really, you saw it the hot mug and you know how wriggly your baby is and yet you're blaming your friend for what was a total accident (with no harm done) when she probably hadn't realised how wriggly he is now?

You should have passed her your baby then said "I'm going to move your tea back a bit, he's a reacher now".

whois · 28/10/2014 06:50

You lost me at your absolute assurance that she wants to babysit, she loves your DS. I bet she just finds him a wriggly, pain in the arse who burns her with hot tea.

That made me smile!

Yarp · 28/10/2014 06:51

I think this isn't a risk your friend could foresee, and so you should not blame her.

Yarp · 28/10/2014 06:53

Reminds me of a story a friend recounted. Her first meeting back to work after maternity leave, she moved everyone's mugs back from the edge of the tabel

Yarp · 28/10/2014 06:53

Or table, even

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