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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather WIBU to not walk this child home?

101 replies

unlucky83 · 27/10/2014 23:14

DP says I am and was a bit shocked...
Child is 8 and generally seems to be given free rein by family.
Keeps turning up uninvited/unannounced at our door to play with DD. When I ask what time she has to be home she says various things - like in 30 mins but then when the time is up says it doesn't really matter etc. In summer she once said 9pm!
She often turns up at dinner time (5.30ish) and I have fed her a couple of times -but don't want it to turn into a regular thing. I have started trying to send her home at dinner time if she turns up earlier. She has said her dinner time is 9pm but then once when I said she should go home for her dinner she said she was ok, had already eaten and played in DD's room whilst we ate dinner (I felt really mean and uncomfortable). I should say she is not underfed - if anything she is more 'well padded' than skinny.
I think in reality she hasn't been given a time she has to be home for. She lives 5-10 min walk away - and the most direct route is along quite a lonely, unlit, secluded path -which I know she uses. So I have started sending her home as it starts to get dark. Today she came earlier about 3.45pm. At about 5pm - I noticed it was getting dark (clocks going back!) - so I told her that I thought she should be going. She asked me what time it was and (surprise surprise) she said she had to be home at 5.30pm (30 mins later...). I said her gran probably hadn't realised how dark it would be- but she insisted it was fine. When she left it was really dark...
DP told me I should have walked her home - how would I feel if that was DD? (ignoring the fact that no way would I let slightly younger DD wander around like this). And how guilty would I feel if anything happened to her.
I do feel sorry for her - I do get the feeling her family don't want her around. (I haven't reported but know someone has voiced concern to the authorities - she was trick or treating on her own last Halloween - 7.30 at night, dark, going into stranger's houses - although this is quite a tight knit, 'safe' community)
I see his point but I think if I start taking her home her family will expect it and if she isn't with us (she drops in on others as well) they will be less likely to worry about her still being out.

And selfishly I will have no excuse to send her home. (I could be the adult and just tell her to go - but don't want her to feel more unwanted than she probably already does)
So WIBU?

(This is playing on my conscience now ...)

OP posts:
treadheavily · 28/10/2014 19:14

Very sad for the little girl. Bet she wishes she lived at your house.

quietbatperson · 28/10/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 19:42

Yes I woukd have walked her home in the dark but I would have asked gran for her number so that she can come and pick up her grandaughter before tea, or she can come and collect her when it gets too much. Yes if you don't want this girl there, don't ask her in tell her to go back home it's not convenient. Your the adult!

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 19:51

Reading your last post yiu really need to call ss, ut sounds like neglect and doesent sound like her mum and gran don't give a damn. You need to be assertive to the mum. For example I can take her once to this activity, but can't every week sorry. Instead of trying to pursuade her home after trick or treating, take her home! If it's not convenient for you to have her, take her home.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 19:53

Trick or treating on her own at night Sad, doesent sound like her mum gives a toss.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 19:55

'You have made her sound a total inconvenience'

She is - however, it doesn't really matter if she is a bit of a pain and and in inconvenience to the OP - the OP seems to have been kind to her and is perfectly entitled to tell her to go home when she becomes inconvenient. The problem is that she seems to be an inconvenience to her own parents.

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 20:03

I wish someone had just taken five minutes to make a call about me.

It could have changed the whole rest of my life.

I am not guilt tripping before anyone gets their knickers in a knot, however a few minutes from the OP could stop years, years, of bad stuff for this little girl.

TracyBarlow · 28/10/2014 20:25

When people tell posters to report to social services, I am always a bit hesitant to agree.

But in this case, something seems really wrong. If a parent allows their child to wander around after dark on their own then I worry what other dangers they are exposing her to. it sounds neglectful. I'd report it. If something happened to her at least you'd know you'd helped her.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 20:27

Exactly, when she is wandering about on her own randomly she is being exposed to harm, definitely report to SS and police.

Carrierpenguin · 28/10/2014 20:34

Poor child. I'd make her welcome until Ss have looked into it. You could also see if she may open up to you?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/10/2014 20:43

If you do see her wandering about on her own, call the Police, especially if she is trick or treating on her own this Friday this is not on.

Hakluyt · 28/10/2014 21:13

But I don't know which I find most depressing- the conditioning by the marketing people that has convinced women that they are smelly or the mainstreaming of a pornographic sensibility that has convinced women that normal adult body hair is disgusting.

Hakluyt · 28/10/2014 21:17

Sorry- wrong thread Blush

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 21:20

Hakluyt?

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 21:22

my slow lap top there, H!

flyingspaghettimonster · 28/10/2014 21:51

If probably make a report to ss that something seemed off.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 08:35

Poor child, please contact SS, if you do find her wandering about in the dark call 101 because it is serious. I just feel so Sad this poor little girl wandering from door to door trick or treating at night. What is the 'mother' thinking. If you see her in that position or similar again definitely Police.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 29/10/2014 08:45

She's neglected, call social services, or better still, write to them and tell them all you know.

If you and your dd want to be involved with her, tell her, quite straightforwardly, that it doesn't suit you to have her coming around when she feels like it. Fix one afternoon after school which suits you, tell her she can come round as a regular thing until either dd or she gets tired of it - then either of them will just say 'I don't want this any more' and they can stop without having to fall out. It might be nice to give her a meal when she comes round, but make it clear when you talk to her whether she can expect to eat with you or not. Also be very clear about 'going home' time. Speak to, or send a note to her carers saying she has an ongoing invitation and will be sent home at X time, either walking or they can pick her up (no leeway in the time. if they're late, you assume she's walking).

christinarossetti · 29/10/2014 08:48

Does she go to the same school as your dc? Could you speak to the Welfare Officer there, in confidence? Might be easier and more effective than calling SS.

In addition, I would tell her that you need a phone number for the person looking after her so that you can call them to collect her. It will be getting dark by the time school is ending soon, so after school playing will always need a chaperone.

If a number isn't forthcoming, then accompany her home one day and speak to whoever is there.

It sounds like you need to set your own boundaries that are comfortable for you and your family, and also do what you can to ensure that this little girl is safe. This might include contacting SS at some point.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/10/2014 09:04

I'm not sure there is such a thing as a Welfare Officer in school any more, christina. There will be a Designated Child Protection Officer (or several), who can make a decision about what to do with the information.

However, if you want to report something specific, phone Children's Services because they will contact the school anyway. It will be much better if they hear directly from you about your own experience rather than secondhand through the school.

wigfieldrocks · 29/10/2014 09:19

We had this situation with a boy in my ds class a few years ago when they were 8. He would knock on the door at 8.30am and hang round all day and never seemed to have a home time. On one occasion he actually went off the the local shop and bought a microwavable burger which he said was his tea and asked me to heat it up for him. I'm afraid I was a bit harder about it than dh and would turn him away or send him off because as far as I knew his parents had no idea where he was and I wasn't happy taking responsibility for him without being asked (or providing free childcare!). In the end myself and another Mum a few doors down spoke to his teacher at school as we weren't entirely comfortable about going directly to social services. I think the school must have had a chat with his Mum because it seemed to stop pretty soon after this. I agree with blu who says that there shouldn't really be any kids in the house at that age whose parents don't know where they are or who they are with. I think you should be a bit firmer about sending her on her way (in day light) or as others have suggested speaking to her family, although it sounds like they won't be that bothered unfortunately.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 10:02

I don't think think they would. Who in their right mind would send 7 year old truck or treating at night in her own. I guess the girl was 7 last Halloween as op has said she is just 8 now. Yes I would contact sS as mum has a form fir this and mabey child protection officer at school.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 10:03

Yes if is not convenient send her home, or if it's dark walk her home and say to mum that she keeps wandering to your house.

kleinzeit · 29/10/2014 10:16

Since she plays nicely and your DD enjoys her company, and since her family don’t seem to be willing/able to pick her up or otherwise take responsibility for her, how about deciding that over the winter she can come over and stay for tea once a week and you’ll walk her home afterwards? And the rest of the time either she goes home before dark or she can’t come over at all.

I guess it’s a worry that if you speak to her family they’ll try to dump all the responsibility for their DD on you - they already have form for doing that! You might need to prepare to stand very firm with them, that either they come and collect her or you will send her home before dark/not let her play (apart from any specific times when you have decided to walk her home, as above). It sounds as if it’s not just the girl who has poor boundaries, neither do her family. Don’t let them impose on you. And if they just shrug off your concerns about her wandering to and from your house in the dark and say “oh she’ll be fine” then that is something else concrete you could tell SS.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2014 19:13

Hi was the little girl out on her own tonight again?