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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather WIBU to not walk this child home?

101 replies

unlucky83 · 27/10/2014 23:14

DP says I am and was a bit shocked...
Child is 8 and generally seems to be given free rein by family.
Keeps turning up uninvited/unannounced at our door to play with DD. When I ask what time she has to be home she says various things - like in 30 mins but then when the time is up says it doesn't really matter etc. In summer she once said 9pm!
She often turns up at dinner time (5.30ish) and I have fed her a couple of times -but don't want it to turn into a regular thing. I have started trying to send her home at dinner time if she turns up earlier. She has said her dinner time is 9pm but then once when I said she should go home for her dinner she said she was ok, had already eaten and played in DD's room whilst we ate dinner (I felt really mean and uncomfortable). I should say she is not underfed - if anything she is more 'well padded' than skinny.
I think in reality she hasn't been given a time she has to be home for. She lives 5-10 min walk away - and the most direct route is along quite a lonely, unlit, secluded path -which I know she uses. So I have started sending her home as it starts to get dark. Today she came earlier about 3.45pm. At about 5pm - I noticed it was getting dark (clocks going back!) - so I told her that I thought she should be going. She asked me what time it was and (surprise surprise) she said she had to be home at 5.30pm (30 mins later...). I said her gran probably hadn't realised how dark it would be- but she insisted it was fine. When she left it was really dark...
DP told me I should have walked her home - how would I feel if that was DD? (ignoring the fact that no way would I let slightly younger DD wander around like this). And how guilty would I feel if anything happened to her.
I do feel sorry for her - I do get the feeling her family don't want her around. (I haven't reported but know someone has voiced concern to the authorities - she was trick or treating on her own last Halloween - 7.30 at night, dark, going into stranger's houses - although this is quite a tight knit, 'safe' community)
I see his point but I think if I start taking her home her family will expect it and if she isn't with us (she drops in on others as well) they will be less likely to worry about her still being out.

And selfishly I will have no excuse to send her home. (I could be the adult and just tell her to go - but don't want her to feel more unwanted than she probably already does)
So WIBU?

(This is playing on my conscience now ...)

OP posts:
cindydog · 28/10/2014 09:05

Dont let an 8 year old walk home on her own in the dark.Anything could happen.Walk her home when it suits you.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 09:15

OldGregg, it is a reality that if her DH walks her home and she subsequently goes missing, the police will treat him as a suspect. I wouldn't be worried about people labelling him a 'paedo', but you do have to be realistic. The reason I say this is that a little girl (aged about 8 or 9) who was often out wandering on her own used to chat to my dad when he walked our dog. One night she was out all night, and we had the police round. She turned up at a friend's house and all was well, but if she hadn't, I dare say they would have had him in for questioning. It's terrible and tragic and wrong, but these days it's not just a case of acting correctly, it's being seen to have acted correctly.

I wouldn't turn a hair about my DP walking home one of my kids' friends from an arranged play date. I say this in THESE particular circumstances - ie the little girl often wandering around at night without proper safeguarding from her parents. I don't think men should never be around children in case they are accused of paedophilia!

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 09:19

I also don't think the OP should have let her go home alone rather than let her DH walk her home! I stated in my first post that I thought she should have walked the girl home herself, spoken to the parents, and depending on the circumstances, spoken to child services. It's not a case of worrying whether neighbours will think the DH is a paedophile or letting her go home alone so he doesn't look like one.

bigbluestars · 28/10/2014 09:22

If you do have her around then why not send her home before it gets darK?

THen the issue of her walking home alone after sunset or having your OH feel obligated doesn't come into the equation.

IamOldGregg · 28/10/2014 09:22

I take your point starling but the chances of her going missing are incredibly slim (0.005% as an estimate that I quickly googled!) the chances of her running into trouble, or feeling a bit scared, or hassled by bigger kids, robbed and attacked are higher. The most likely scenario is that nothing would ever befall this girl, but having someone walk her home would make her feel liked, supported and cared for. I would rather my dad or DH or brother walked someone home as that is the right thing to do. They could always explain their innocence to the police should the worst happen!

thegreylady · 28/10/2014 09:24

My 8 year old grandson isn't allowed out of the garden on his own. If an eight year old turned up unaccompanied I would be either taking her home at once or ringing to ask her family to collect her at a set time.

IamOldGregg · 28/10/2014 09:25

X post starling

StarlingMurmuration · 28/10/2014 09:28

OldGregg, I take your point too... I'm probably over-sensitive because of what happened to my dad (it wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it shook him up and made him feel very naive). I definitely agree she shouldn't have been sent home on her own, I just think it would have been best for the OP to walk her home.

MerryMarigold · 28/10/2014 09:34

I was also going to say, have a word with her Gran or Mum, hard as it may be not sure I could. Along the lines of, 'I walked her home because it is dark, but I can't do this usually as I need to be at home with my children so she needs to go before it gets dark...".

We have some older kids who come round all the time. Their parents seem quite nice, but they just seem to live in our house. I am wondering...

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/10/2014 09:34

Id walk her home the first time to meet her Grandma. Id also make irlt clear to Grandma that its a one time thing and that she needs collecting or will be sent home.alone by 4.30 every time she turns up.in future, as you have dinner/homework etc.

Give Grandma your address and ask for her telephone number (to check the girl has arrived home the first few times) but Id be encouraging the GM to.collect her in future.

If you cant or dont want to send her home.alone and dont want to have to walk her home every day (which I wouldnt!) then only allow her in to olay on the days you are prepared to walk her back.

MaryWestmacott · 28/10/2014 09:40

If you are concerned about this little girl, even if other people have already reported their concerns to SS, you should too, the more reports from different sources about the same child will make it clearer that it's defianately an issue.

Sadly, Starling has a good point re your DH, this isn't like walking a child home from an arranged play date, this is a little girl who just wanders about, her family have no idea or seem to care where she's going, if they know she often goes to yours, when lost they'll say that's where she was going - and if your DH was normally the one to walk her home, he'll be questioned about it.

I would be firm about sending her home at 4:30pm, and not letting her in if she arrives after that.

sickntiredtoo · 28/10/2014 09:57

I am confused! It sounds as though you don't know this family?
I would not dream of having a young child in your house for hours and feeding her, unless the parents knew me.
Of course you should not have let her walk back alone, you would legally as well as morally responsible if anything happened to her.
If DH walks or drives children home, I always make sure my DC goes along too so that he is never alone with the child.

muphys · 28/10/2014 09:59

OP, is the girl a friend of your dd from school? If she lives a 10 min walk away, that isn't just around the corner or in the same street from you surely. How is it that she starting coming to your house in the first place?

willowisp · 28/10/2014 10:04

Is this little girl a school friend of your Dd's ? Is your DD happy to play with her ?

I was a bit of a stray waif in my early teens & throughout holidays would spend the days with my boyfriend. His mum fed me every day I was there & it was the only meal I ate each day. Looking back a call dt his mum to my mum might have been a bit of a kick that DM needed. I think I was a bit neglected. (& slim v fat although could have gone either way !)

So back to this child, if your DD is happy to play with her & she doesn't cause you any trouble, why not let her come over, have some tea & WALK her home ? As someone said, you & your DD might be a source of comfort for her.

When you walk her back, you can have a conversation & say something like, can we swop numbers so we can let you know she's with us, that, maybe she's had tea with us etc etc.

Tbh I think it's rotten you kicking her out at dark to walk home alone.

Gen35 · 28/10/2014 10:19

I think I agree with willowisp, I'd keep contact to the amount of times your dd is happy with by being firm, but I'm a bit lost at why giving a kid that's obviously got a horrible family a bit of good dinner and a walk home is causing so much bother? Reduce the frequency and report concerns too but let's face it, we should all do what we can as well as ss to help. Her family's unlikely to become brilliant overnight and you could, within parameters, become a bright spot.

Itsfab · 28/10/2014 10:25

Please ring social services about this child.

None of it sounds great for the child. When I was 8 I lived with people who did not give a shit and anyone who spoke to me was so important to me as home life was so shit.

If you really can't embrace and welcome this child into your life then get her the support she clearly needs.

Everyone needs to care a but more imo.

OpalQuartz · 28/10/2014 10:34

I'd be worried there was no one actually at home when she goes home. Maybe that's why she puts off going home

curlyweasel · 28/10/2014 10:37

What Itsfab said times a million.

itsfab Flowers x

Original poster
unlucky83 · 28/10/2014 12:00

She is a school friend of DDs - and I have a mobile no for her mum - I do vaguely know them. (I have posted about her before - there are several things that have made me go Hmm). I know that the school know about some of the things.

I doubt me saying anything to the mum will make much difference - I'm sure I'll be told she'll be fine.
I guess I have outed myself enough - last Halloween I was out with my DD and a couple of other parents/DCs (we have a long standing arrangement as have older DCs the same age). We came across this child on her own - let her tag along with us to a couple of houses finishing at her house - her mum & granny were both in (she has younger siblings but one of them could have gone out with her). We tried to leave her there (all we were doing was walking back to pick up my big one then going home) - but she ran out and followed us, the mum half heartedly tried to call her back but didn't follow her etc. She walked along with us for a bit - we were trying to (nicely) persuade her to go back home. Someone mentioned one of the houses quite a way away had lots of decorations - and she was all for going off on her own to look! In the end another parent walked her back home again...and watched her go in...but she went to my house (near the decorated house) - DP was in...it must have been after she had been taken home again Sad (One of the other parents works in a position where they had to report)

A couple of years ago this child had just stopped going to an activity - (parent didn't speak to organisers). A couple of months later the mum sent me a text asking if my DD still went, if she did, could I give her a lift as she would like to start going again but mum was working and couldn't take her that night. I said I would but did the organisers know she was coming as I knew they had limited space and they might not have room - she said don't worry just take her along, it will be fine...(I spoke to the organisers before to make sure they wouldn't have to turn her away) - I then ended up taking and bring this child back for several months (slightly out of my way) ...even though often her mum/gran/family - all car drivers- were at home when I picked up and dropped off ...
(also I know because I'm involved in a similar thing that the organisers had had a word before - when she was 5 she was expected to walk down (out of sight and often in the dark) to be picked up in the car park - they were concerned for the child but also they would be failing in their duty of care not making sure she was safely with a responsible adult)

I think her mum finds her a handful and she doesn't have many boundaries...the mum probably needs support more than anything...but does have a bit of Hmm attitude...
And I will make sure I send her home before it gets dark in the future and I guess mention it to the school...

OP posts:
2rebecca · 28/10/2014 14:33

It sounds as though what you do depends on how enthusiastic you are about parenting other people's children.
I don't want extra children and don't want to be a foster parent. Yes there are lots of kids out there with poor parents but its not my job to take over the parenting from them. If a parent wants to take on someone else's child as a project or service to the community and that child then fair enough, but I don't think the OP is unreasonable in not wanting to do that. I also don't think she's being unreasonable in not wanting to walk an uninvited child home in the dark as I presume she'd have to take her daughter with her. OK occasionally but not regularly especially as the weather gets worse.
I'd just send her home before it gets dark. It doesn't matter when she says she has to be home as she obviously has no idea, she goes home when you want her to go home. In the winter that probably means she doesn't come round after school at all.

Happypogostick · 28/10/2014 18:10

What you really need to do is to phone social services... A little 8 year old, left to basically wander the streets (as that is what she is doing). They are failing to provide, from what you can see, a stable family environment for the little girl- and failing to protect her from the potential dangers of walking home, repeatedly, through a dark lane.

You have a small insight into the family situation that gives you alarm. Nobody outside the family is able to see the 'whole picture', so much so that they can exactly how concerned you should be.

As the message goes 'don't wait until you are sure'... It maybe seems less black and white being in the situation- but so many children are continually abused and neglected because lots of people, each with a little bit if worry, do nothing.

You really need to ring. Even contact NSPCC and share your concerns about what is best.

ElsieMc · 28/10/2014 18:36

I would report this. She has no boundaries and no routine and she is not only vulnerable to being taken or hurt on her walk home, but even at this young age to grooming from unscrupulous individuals. Just look at events in Blackpool and the North West.

Marmite - You are being harsh. The op is becoming tired of having to look after another child, feed her and worry about her which is not unreasonable at all. On the contrary, she has shown kindness and concern. The only possible criticism that could be made is that the child could have been walked home.

Op - I think you need to firm up your boundaries now I am afraid and report your concerns. I have no doubt you will not be the first to do so with this family.

theposterformallyknownas · 28/10/2014 18:44

I would have walked her home myself, but she isn't half taking liberties.
it is a shame for the poor soul by the sounds of it but she shouldn't be your responsibility.
If it were me I would report, the lateness, being out in the dark etc. The only thing that I think you shouldn't do is report hearsay as your report may not be taken as seriously.
I too think you should take more control and tell her when it isn't convenient and when you need her to go home.
Make sure she only stays for 30 mins if she appears before its going dark and if you have plans or don't want her that day, tell her.
I think you are a lovely person to have done what you have, but you need to report for the childs sake.

What has happened in Blackpool and Nw?

juliascurr · 28/10/2014 18:57

yes - report

fluffling · 28/10/2014 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.