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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather WIBU to not walk this child home?

101 replies

unlucky83 · 27/10/2014 23:14

DP says I am and was a bit shocked...
Child is 8 and generally seems to be given free rein by family.
Keeps turning up uninvited/unannounced at our door to play with DD. When I ask what time she has to be home she says various things - like in 30 mins but then when the time is up says it doesn't really matter etc. In summer she once said 9pm!
She often turns up at dinner time (5.30ish) and I have fed her a couple of times -but don't want it to turn into a regular thing. I have started trying to send her home at dinner time if she turns up earlier. She has said her dinner time is 9pm but then once when I said she should go home for her dinner she said she was ok, had already eaten and played in DD's room whilst we ate dinner (I felt really mean and uncomfortable). I should say she is not underfed - if anything she is more 'well padded' than skinny.
I think in reality she hasn't been given a time she has to be home for. She lives 5-10 min walk away - and the most direct route is along quite a lonely, unlit, secluded path -which I know she uses. So I have started sending her home as it starts to get dark. Today she came earlier about 3.45pm. At about 5pm - I noticed it was getting dark (clocks going back!) - so I told her that I thought she should be going. She asked me what time it was and (surprise surprise) she said she had to be home at 5.30pm (30 mins later...). I said her gran probably hadn't realised how dark it would be- but she insisted it was fine. When she left it was really dark...
DP told me I should have walked her home - how would I feel if that was DD? (ignoring the fact that no way would I let slightly younger DD wander around like this). And how guilty would I feel if anything happened to her.
I do feel sorry for her - I do get the feeling her family don't want her around. (I haven't reported but know someone has voiced concern to the authorities - she was trick or treating on her own last Halloween - 7.30 at night, dark, going into stranger's houses - although this is quite a tight knit, 'safe' community)
I see his point but I think if I start taking her home her family will expect it and if she isn't with us (she drops in on others as well) they will be less likely to worry about her still being out.

And selfishly I will have no excuse to send her home. (I could be the adult and just tell her to go - but don't want her to feel more unwanted than she probably already does)
So WIBU?

(This is playing on my conscience now ...)

OP posts:
Chandon · 28/10/2014 07:51

What Blu said

And DON't let your DH walk her home.

These days it takes less than that to be branded a paedo, unfortunately!

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 28/10/2014 07:58

What Middeton said. Not what Chandon said

bellybuttonfairy · 28/10/2014 08:02

Poor child. She obviously hasnt got a high standard of care at home. Sad

Luckily she has found a family to call on that isnt abusive.

I remember a little boy that used to call at our house when I was a child. He had a horrible home life and he would come over for food or just to get in a warm house. It was so sad.

I've worked in child protection and I would inform childrens services. Maybe there are other things going on and they would need to know info such as she is wandering out on her own in the dark.

hollie84 · 28/10/2014 08:08

I'd walk her home to chat to the family.

If you feel that she is being put in unsafe situations (walking home late on secluded paths with no one knowing where she is or when to expect her home is pretty unsafe) then speak to social services. Just because someone else once reported it doesn't mean that duty is done.

lemonpuffbiscuit · 28/10/2014 08:11

I think it's only ok for DH to walk her home if your DD walks with them both.

Hakluyt · 28/10/2014 08:16

"These days it takes less than that to be branded a paedo, unfortunately!"

Well, to be "branded a paedo" by idiots on the internet, certainly. Not by anyone capable of rational thought.

Balaboosta · 28/10/2014 08:24

Don't ever talk to children or have anything to do with them. You know, to avoid being branded a paedo.

treadheavily · 28/10/2014 08:25

I agree with Middleton. Spell it put to whoever is at her home because it could be helpful for them to become aware of others' boundaries. You might be surprised by how many "caregivers" are utterly clueless but actually open to kindly-worded advice.

IamOldGregg · 28/10/2014 08:25

I am really shocked by posters saying not to let her DH walk the girl home! if she later does go missing, the police would want to take a good hard look at him if he regularly walks her home I mean is that thinking for real? That a normal dad wouldn't walk a little girl home in the dark IN CASE SHE GOES MISSING?!

Strange reaction there I think.

I also agree with Middleton. Have a chat with the mum but you must always always make sure she gets home safely.

ohtheholidays · 28/10/2014 08:28

You really should report all this to childrens services/the little girls school.

If anything awful happened to that poor little girl would you really be able to forgive yourself?

I know I'll get flamed for that question,but I don't care!

I've worked with children like this little girl before and the amount of people that come forward after something awful has happened and say oh yes I thought there was something wrong within the family or they were always hitting that child/shouting/swearing at that child or that child always wondered around in the dark on they're own.

Those examples are all different children and unspeakable thing's happened to them all!

Everyone presumes now days that someone else will take that step and report they're concerns.The problem is the next 9/10 people down the line are thinking exactly the same thing,so it never gets reported and then the awful happens and that poor child has something happen that can't be undone.

bearleftmonkeyright · 28/10/2014 08:38

I agree with ohtheholidays. The biggest thing for me is that you have fed her without talking to parents that she will be stopping at your house for tea. That leads me to assume that regular mealtimes don't happen in that house. Which is not a crime but taken in conjunction with the other things you have said makes me wonder whether the child is being neglected. It would do absolutely no harm whatever to phone the school with your concerns and speak to the head, who would probably be the person responsible for child protection.

redexpat · 28/10/2014 08:38

Report your concerns to school. They may have other info and this could help complete a picture.

I always had to be home by ligjting up time, so tell her that she needs to go 10 minutes before. The times are in the local paper.

Or as others have suggested walk her home and ask her about her homelife. Who she lives with, what do they eat for breakfast dinner.

hackmum · 28/10/2014 08:39

This is all a bit worrying. She's not being properly looked after at home, is she? Her mum/gran/whoever clearly doesn't care what time she comes home, whether she's eaten, whether she's walking alone in the dark. And for whatever reason she much prefers being at your house to being in her own house - why might that be?

When my DD was that age I always knew where she was and I would generally pick her up or have an agreed time with the mum when she would come home.

I think you should have walked her home, however tiresome that might have been, but explained that you can't walk her home every time. If you'd walked her home that would also have given you a chance to talk to her parent(s) and get an idea of what the situation is like there.

bearleftmonkeyright · 28/10/2014 08:40

Also the fact that she is overweight could still mean her diet is very poor.

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2014 08:41

Can't believe some of you think it's better to put this child at risk than have the worry that curtain-twitching idiots will think the OP's dh is dodgy for walking her home. If this little girl goes missing, I'd hope the police would look hard at every adult she's been in contact with. Though based on recent events, perhaps they'd not bother. Sad

OP either send her home before dark or get someone to see her home. All 8 year olds are worth at least that much, even the ones whose family doesn't seem to care about them. Their neglect doesn't excuse your indifference.

Marmiteandjamislush · 28/10/2014 08:41

YAVVVU and sound quite horrible to be honest in the way you've spoken about a child, if you would not let your DD walk that path, which sounds extremely unsafe and children go missing in tight knit communities too you know, you should walk her home too. You are the adult and you are not setting boundaries but blaming the child for that. You have made her sound a total inconvenience and I bet she feels it too. If it's playing on your mind this much it is because your mothering instincts are telling you that you are off beat here, as is your DH listen to them. Stop blaming the child and ignoring the issues if you think there are some, either do as others have suggested and talk to the family or get outside services involved.

bearleftmonkeyright · 28/10/2014 08:45

Marmite is right. I am a mere dinner lady but I still attend child protection courses and we are rightly told it is all of our business.

bigbluestars · 28/10/2014 08:45

I have recently moved from an area with "street runners". I also grew up on a huge council sink with feral children- of course it's the adults to blame not the children.

It may sound harsh but I would disengage from this family. Parents or guardians who are happy to have 8 years olds running about lafter dark are likely to be irresponsible in other areas too.

By all means report to SS, I think that is a good idea,, but having your OH walk this child home would likely turn into a regular occurance, nor would I suspect speaking to the grandmother would be the best way forward- you may get an earful.

I just speak from an awful lot of experience at seeing lots of unsupervised kids, parents shouting through the streets at 10pm because they can't find their 4 year old etc.

I would encourage your DD to have lots of other friends over, and be polite but firm to this little girl.

ohtheholidays · 28/10/2014 08:47

As Bear said I was going to say it's 50/50 with children's weight when it come's to an unstable home life.

Some of the children I've seen in the past have been extremely thin,had sallow skin and sunken looking eyes poor little mites.All effects of being left to fend for themselves when it come's to food.Other children have been quite a bit over weight because the whole of the family lived of fast food,every meal would be from a take away place,except some where a chocolate bar/packet of crisps would be eaten on the way to school for breakfast.

carlsonrichards · 28/10/2014 08:49

I would already have been onto social services. Her parents are massively failing her, she is vulnerable and in danger.

TheGonnaghoul · 28/10/2014 08:51

I agree with many others upthread, this needs to be flagged to relevant services. What may seem like a small issue can be part of a much bigger jigsaw to those privy to the information.
Ask yourself why this little girl wants to spend so much time at your house, what is she getting there that she can't access at home? Poor little bean Sad

IsabellaofFrance · 28/10/2014 08:54

Seems like this little girl is let down by everybody she knows.

I am Shock at the Paedo comments. I didn't think people actually believed this outside of the Daily Mail reader's comments. My DH regularly walks home DD's friend who is 6.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/10/2014 08:54

More chance of her going missing if nobody walks her home rather than your husband walking her home. Walking home is not the root of the issue though is it? If you have her in your house then either shoo her out way before sundown or walk her home yourselves.

You might be the one person in her life that makes a difference.

Pointlessfan · 28/10/2014 08:55

Whether she is at risk or not you will feel better if you speak to social services.

muphys · 28/10/2014 09:03

Poor kid! If it were me, I would have walked her home on that occasion and asked to speak to her granny/parent or whoever is caring for her.

I think you are going to have to be firm with her OP.