To be struggling with being childless and having little in common with others?

[deepbluetwilight]

Don't judge me by the garbled title! I do want advice I suppose.

I don't have children and I don't think that this will change - never say never I know especially as I'm 33 but ... Anyway, most of my friends have babies and/or toddlers.

The issue is that I rarely or never get to do anything much really as I don't have anybody to do it with! I do have one friend who doesn't have children, and we sometimes do stuff but I never get to go away on holiday or for the weekend or go to a concert or similar. (I wouldn't want to go myself.) I rarely or never get a night out or go out for a meal either!

I am conscious life's passing me by a bit and I want to "live" a bit more! But I do feel a bit limited and I wondered I suppose what others would suggest or recommend I do??

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm 32 and all but 2 of my friends have young children. However, I'm wondering if you are assuming that your friends wouldn't want to be invited for an evening out, when perhaps they'd actually be delighted to have their DH or a babysitter look after the kids so that they could have a meal out/cinema or whatever with you?

Some of my friends aren't ready to leave their kids for an evening yet but others have been glad to have an evening out from when their kids were around 6 months old.

I'm in exactly the same position. I'm 32. It's hard.

Well no - as whenever you do ask them even if there's someone to have the children they're too stretched financially to afford it. Obviously we do occasionally do things but not very often.

I am a teacher (although I do also have a second job) and I would like to do a bit more with the holidays I do get, but can't!

It's good to know it isn't just me though!

If money is an issue, perhaps just ask a few friends round to yours with a bottle?

I would take up a hobby in your position - join a club or do an Adult Education course. You get to meet new people with similar interests and could make a new friend with less family commitments.

If there was something I wanted to go to (a play for example) and I wanted to go with a friend then I would pay for both tickets if they couldn't afford it, as you would do for a partner for example.

It is hard when you and your friends drift apart, but there are lots of opportunities to meet new people out there.

It isn't as simple as the 'bottle' idea though as while it's free friends still have to pay for a babysitter and for transport costs (they don't all live local) many don't want to leave their children ... You know? Same with the idea about the concert or cinema: it isn't just the price of the ticket but childcare and getting there and so on - and as I say they don't necessarily want to leave the children anyway!

I've been thinking about trying something new but it's about finding something that will fit in with work, is affordable and will help me meet new people - I am a bit stuck!

Life does get in the way.

YANBU but I'm sure there are ways of making things slightly better.

Have some you do sound fed up.

What about an organisation such as Spice? I have a friend in your position who met loads of friends including a very attractive boyfriend through this organisation.

It does improve with time. The baby/toddler stage is when DC are at their most demanding timewise, especially if mum is still BF. Also, to be blunt, most mums with DC at this age (not all, thankfully) seem to have DC as their primary topic of conversation, and it can be difficult to discuss anything other than Baby Organix or the first signs of early genius-hood. "Yes, dear friend, that random scribble is clearly a picture of the atomic structure of copper." (i'm exaggerating, but not by much).

I've ended up with the majority of my friends being also childless - I think you have to actively seek out new friends with other, shared interests. However, more parents are now appearing in my social circle - usually because their teens are now older and they have time/the interest in picking up a social life again. I'm fortunate in that my hobbies/interests naturally led me to marvellous friends. It's also worth remembering that childless women are a suprisingly large demographic - around 25% of women and are also a very diverse group. So for instance I could talk lipsticks with a very "girly" friend who is still active on the dating scene or I might have a very different conversation with my widowed friend who runs her own business, dowses and is a demon chutney maker.

Good luck - you can feel very excluded when seemingly everyone around you is pushing a buggy. The childless ones are out there - you just need to find us.

try www.meetup.com which is a good way to meet other singles in your area. Its not a dating website, more a way of meeting other singles to hang out and do activities with. I'm familiar with the scenario you are in - married friends with kids, who have called it a day and just do not want to do ANYTHING at all outside their own four walls. Get yourself out here and meet new people. It's the only way you'll get out of the rut you seem to be in.

I was happily childless for almost 40 years, so I completely understand now (with a toddler, living in a different country to all family, with no babysitters available) why friends with children disappeared from my life for a time. Especially as - like you - my friends were not local, but scattered all over. The only friends with children I still saw regularly were (I realise now) in the very privileged position of being affluent and living close to retired parents who continually urged them to go out or go away for weekends.

I think that while you may simply want to see more of your existing friends with children, you may need to expand your social circle in the short term. Your friends won't be absorbed in the world of small children forever, but it sounds as if you would benefit from being around other people who either don't have children, or who gave older children, as you sound as if you feel very anomalous. Though I guarantee you that at least some of your friends envy your freedom, and are wistful that they can't join you in your plans.

When I was younger and hadn't met my dh, (I was a teacher too) I went to a gym (those were the days!) and met lots of singles. I made quite a few friends there. Also attended a dance workout session each week, and early morning swimming. If you're sporty, you might find that a possible idea.
I have no dc either. But there are many like us nowadays. There may be groups for teachers during the summer holidays for travel, walking etc.
The thing is just to get out there and do things you like doing. One of my dear friends calls it 'colouring in the squares'.

I was in exactly your position before I met my DH.

I used to go to the art house cinema, art galleries and on walking holidays on my own, I was determined not to sit waiting till other people turned up to do stuff.

I agree with previous posters, meet up is good, spice is v organised too. I found that I didn't have anything in common with my friends with kids anymore, even if they did want to get together it wasn't the same and still isn't, I've developed other interests and other friends

I'd agree with looking to expand your social circle a bit with some new friends. FWIW I would say that DH & I actually socialise at least as much if not more with childless people, as we only have the one (and she could always stay over at GPs if we wanted to go out, so no babysitting costs, plus my mum always liked to have her there!).

Obviously longer term your friends with small dc will be back in socialising mode, it just takes a while . . .

Ah, thanks for understanding ladies!

I will definitely try some of those ideas. Primarily what I want is just not to feel so isolated and I do sometimes even though I know I have some friends it feels that I don't, and it isn't their fault and nor is it mine.

The sad thing is we do have such a lovely time when I do see them but of course their children are their priority right now.

I was in the same situation too, I met my DH at 34.

I used to book myself onto Explore holidays, they are designed for lone travellers. Frankly I had some amazing experiences! Trekking in the Atlas Mountains in Morocco, camping in the USA Rocky mountains etc. I made friends and we met up afterwards for drinks etc so it helped me expand my circle.

Also I joined online forums for stuff that interested me, and met friends that way (we had meet ups etc).

You have to be a bit brave i found, and put yourself in unfamiliar situations but it was worth it for me.

I know what you mean but I'm not entirely sure I suit those sort of experiences - I'm not a big adventurer, just a normal woman who'd like a relaxing holiday!

The problem is society assumes 'normal' for a woman in her 30s is married with kids; I'm not, but my interests are - if you see what I mean!

Sorry but you sound a bit pathetic so YABU. There are a million things you can do as a single to explore the world around you - some good suggestions from posters on here.

Another thought is - do you offer to go round to see your friends with children? I appreciated friends without children coming to see me for dinner at my house when my DC were smaller. If it's there company that you are after, rather than someone to keep you company when you go out or on holiday, this would be a good way to stay in touch.

"their" not "there"

Obviously I regret it if I've expressed myself in a way you've read as pathetic. I don't think I am: in fact I know I am not. I've gone through a lot in life and have managed to remain pretty cheerful and grounded.

Regarding the rest of your post - I don't tend to call round on people if it isn't pre-arranged - that doesn't mean we are particularly formal about it but it does tend to be an arrangement if only a chatty text-based one. Furthermore friends aren't all local and if I'm totally honest doubt would appreciate my turning up out of the blue!

I realise there is a lot in the world for me to explore but it isn't always easy to access alone which is why I'm asking on here.

Please don't tell someone who is on here to say she feels lonely that she is a bit pathetic.

Happy to confirm that you don't sound pathetic.

Unfortunately it happens a lot (I don't mean to me, I mean in general, in society) - people are so anxious not to look 'pathetic' they will do anything to avoid being lonely, including having relationships with foul horrible men who will even hit them and hurt them.

It's not shameful to want human companionship, or to be unsure how to best access it sometimes in a way that doesn't look too 'needy.' I know I'm a good person and I'm good company but the age I'm at and the situation I'm in doesn't lend itself easily to meeting lots of people. That's not pathetic and other people can think it is if they want to - their issue :)

I don't think you sound pathetic - just in need of some advice from the people on the other side of the equation that you are trying to balance. I agree with a PP that we love having people over since having kids (we always did before too, but it's even more welcome now). Could you arrange to bring dinner or get a takeaway and go round to a friend's house for a night? Then they don't have to worry about finding a sitter, don't have to cook and can relax and enjoy their down-time with friends. People with kids don't suddenly not want to socialise, but there are more restrictions on how they can go about that, so if you can suggest ideas that require minimal change to their routine, they will always be more likely to suit them.
Plus, if you are reconnecting with your existing friends, they might be able to come up with ideas of things to do that will suit you as they know you best and will be able to give suggestions that take into account your likes and interests. Good luck!