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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be struggling with being childless and having little in common with others?

77 replies

deepbluetwilight · 27/10/2014 17:32

Don't judge me by the garbled title! I do want advice I suppose.

I don't have children and I don't think that this will change - never say never I know especially as I'm 33 but ... Anyway, most of my friends have babies and/or toddlers.

The issue is that I rarely or never get to do anything much really as I don't have anybody to do it with! I do have one friend who doesn't have children, and we sometimes do stuff but I never get to go away on holiday or for the weekend or go to a concert or similar. (I wouldn't want to go myself.) I rarely or never get a night out or go out for a meal either!

I am conscious life's passing me by a bit and I want to "live" a bit more! But I do feel a bit limited and I wondered I suppose what others would suggest or recommend I do??

OP posts:

championnibbler · 27/10/2014 18:53

Yes - calling someone who is asking for some guidance "pathetic" is mean. Would you say that to her face if she was standing in front of you right now and we were also there looking on? Thought not.

Anyhoo OP - definitely try meetup or spice and take it from there. You could find your social diary is very full in no time at all.

Jackiebrambles · 27/10/2014 18:54

I'm sure there are holiday companies aimed at lone travellers that don't involve anything too active!

But those kind of experiences are good for making friends if you see what I mean, better than lying on a sun lounger with a book anyway.

TheABC · 27/10/2014 18:56

Try www.8thdayadventure.co.uk - they are geared towards the single lifestyle and do a lot of social activities. I am a bit wistful I can't do it, TBH. But, young kids and all that...

You are not pathetic ; just in need of a slightly broader friends mix!

Scarletohello · 27/10/2014 18:57

I've been through this with close friends who had kids and then just didn't have time for the friendship anymore. Now the kids ate older it's easier to see them but for me I had to find a way to meet other singles in a similar situation to me. I agree meet ups can be good but you do have to push yourself initially. It's sad but it's a phase of life that many women go through and if you're not going through it yourself it can feel quite isolating. However you are still very young and there's lots of amazing things you can do ( and which a lot of women tied down with kids would love to be able to do)! At the age of 47 I went to India on my own after being made redundant. Was terrified but had such an amazing time. Being a mum isn't the only path in life for a woman, there's lots of amazing and fulfilling things out there for you to experience, you just need to make the most of it, not succumb to society's pressures that your only worth as a woman is getting a man and reproducing and enjoy your life!

Jackiebrambles · 27/10/2014 19:00

I'd love my single friends to come round here for a pizza/whatever without me needing to arrange a sitter!

CatKisser · 27/10/2014 19:01

I'm in your boat, OP. No children (my choice)and a good job. But work is very consuming and during the week I just do DO anything. I have some good male friends but I miss having a great female mate to do stuff with. I know the key is to get the hell out there and join clubs, meet people, etc. but when you get home at 6pm after a knackering day, it can be hard to get yourself in gear.
And a big fat to the person who used the word "pathetic." Living alone and being single is great but can be HARD.

TSSpectreDNCOntheParanormal · 27/10/2014 19:01

I don't think you sound pathetic at all OP.

Scarletohello · 27/10/2014 19:05

I agree you are not pathetic, just struggling with the life changes if your friends and not being in the same situation as them. I hope this thread has helped you and made you realise you're not on your own.

WaitingForMe · 27/10/2014 19:17

As the mum of a toddler I really appreciate the childless friend who kept on suggesting things. Last week we had a curry, went to a gig and I spent the night on her sofa before driving to DH's work to pick up DS.

I love her for not giving up on me. I also love her for not posting the photos of me yawning on Facebook!!!

yetanotherchangename · 27/10/2014 20:03

OP - you did post in AIBU so you should expect franker views, and perhaps disagreement. I do think YABU. You seem to have written off the company of a whole tranche of people (those with children) because they may not have the freedom you do to do the things you want.

It's good that you are seeking advice here and that you want to help yourself, but you don't seem very open to suggestions.

Really, we've all been there, but only YOU and responsible for YOU. You might just need to push yourself a little bit harder to do the things you say you want to do.

I wish you luck with it, and hope you make the most of those long holidays!

yetanotherchangename · 27/10/2014 20:04

"YOU and"= "YOU are" - sorry can't type today.

Original poster

deepbluetwilight · 27/10/2014 21:28

It's a shame you read my post like that - nothing at all could be further from the truth. Sometimes the best friends are old friends, and I'd move heaven and earth for them - but just the same, I do need to be honest and admit I'm probably spending a bit more time on my own than is 'normal' at the moment (I've put that in inverted commas as I am conscious there isn't really a normal.)

I suppose really all I want is to be a bit more social, and my friends are lovely. Really, really lovely - but they are widespread and that means it's hard (impossible, really) bringing everybody together to socialise even without the natural constraints of small people is hard. With small people, it becomes almost impossible!

One other thing: I wasn't offended or distressed by your use of the word 'pathetic' but one of the reasons I'm feeling a bit lonely is because I lost a parent, in the summer - my dad died very suddenly. Since my mum had already died in my teens it left me with no family at all so obviously my friends have become VERY important to me. I am telling you this because a few weeks ago your post would have been really upsetting to me and caused a lot of grief. It doesn't bother me now, but 'frankness' doesn't need to mean being unkind and mean for no reason. It would of course had been different if I'd been rude to you or somebody else but I'm pretty confident I wasn't and so I am wondering why you saw fit to be so to me. It absolutely wasn't to be 'frank' and so I presume my post touched a nerve with you somewhere.

I will definitely look at trying some of these suggestions and I thank people for their time :)

OP posts:

Sallygoroundthemoon · 27/10/2014 21:56

OP you sound lovely and I am sorry for your loss. Good luck with everything.

chrome100 · 27/10/2014 22:03

I was in your position so I made a real effort to make lots of single childless friends. They are actually a lot more fun.

MissBlennerhasset · 27/10/2014 22:14

You sound cool, OP, and in no way pathetic. I hope you meet some like minded people.

I am sorry about your dad, if there's anything that gets you feeling a bit lonely it's the death of a parent. And you don't necessarily have to be 'alone' to feel that way, either (in my experience anyway).

('Can I be honest' = 'I'm going to be rude and dress it up as me being a straight talker')

IrenetheQuaint · 27/10/2014 22:29

Really sorry to hear about your losses. It's unusual (as I'm sure you know!!) to be parentless in your early 30s, and I expect your friends have simply no idea how it feels. It's a shame they haven't stepped up more but I suppose they are just absorbed in their children.

I am a little older than you and also single/childless so I understand what it's like. I've formed a twofold strategy: first, make new single friends (do you live in a city? do you have nice colleagues? interests/hobbies/volunteering really help too) and second, take a genuine interest in friends' children. Babies don't do much for me but from the age of 2 or 3 they can be really fun and in my experience both parents and children appreciate having an unattached friend around who gets involved in family life.

Oh - and internet dating can be a laugh, if you don't take it too seriously. And you never know - the love of your life might be on there...

whostimeisitanyway · 27/10/2014 22:38

OP- you don't sound at all pathetic. Your feeling sound v normal especially after the sudden loss of your second parent.

My situation was the opposite in that I started a family before my friends and moved to a different area where I knew no one. I felt lonely in the same way and a bit let down by some of my friends who didn't seem to make much effort once I had children.

I think you have had great advice on here and I'm sure you will follow some of it and be in a totally different place this time next year.

jay55 · 28/10/2014 02:32

On the holiday front there are less adventurous types like wine tasting ones or cooking ones, you usually have most the day free it's not all activity all the time.

Have a think about people at work, anyone older who's kids have left home who might appreciate a meal out with good conversation. You don't need a bunch of new bffs but some activity company, so need to widen your net a bit.

HowsTheSerenity · 28/10/2014 03:11

I'm 34 and childless too. Every single friend has children.
It does make things difficult I will admit.
When I was single I was travelling a lot, hanging out with other single or childless friends. Now that I'm married things have changed in that aspect too (shift work is a bitch).
Also, by the time I have children (fingers crossed) everyone else's DC's will be over the age of 6.

I decided to compromise. When we go out for dinner with friends we go somewhere with a child's play area. We plan in advance for adults dinners so babysitters can be arranged. I borrow friends children so I can go to indoor trampoline centres, water parks and other places that I would look odd as a single adult.

I volunteer with a emergency service organisation, I play sport (sometimes) and I have learnt to make new friends like a give year old does. It feels wierd at first but I have met great people that way.

however · 28/10/2014 03:59

I have quite a few childless friends and I have to say we didn't see each other much at all when my kids were little.

Fast forward to now (my youngest is 7) and it's much easier to reconnect, and happily I find that our relationships haven't changed much at all. It's still great. I now have loads more friends who are parents, and my childless friends have loads more friends that have the same lifestyle as them. Winners all 'round.

checkeredpresent · 28/10/2014 04:51

Another one who agrees that is changes as the friends' kids get older. Little children are all-consuming and rightly so, but your friends will have much more freedom as their dcs grow up a bit.

When my dcs were small my friends did tend to be parents with similar aged dcs. However, now that mine are school-aged/teens I am really enjoying being able to leave them for a few days with DH and spend time with friends. My best friend is 15 years older than me with no dcs - I feel so lucky to be able to "escape" to her and just be me, much as I adore my family!

Original poster

deepbluetwilight · 28/10/2014 08:10

Thanks, for lovely comments and reassurance.

I'm like a previous poster in that if I do go on to have children, my friends' children will all be over the age of 6. I think one of the things I've struggled with a bit lately is being at a different stage to others: parentless which as others have said is unusual but also single and childless so it can be easy to feel a little alone!

OP posts:

ssd · 28/10/2014 08:16

op, so sorry for your loss, I've lost my parents too and its a time of huge transition and inward thinking.....

you sound lovely and warm and human and not at all pathetic

good luck for your future

WorkingBling · 28/10/2014 08:20

Deepblue, you don't sound pathetic. I second some of the suggestions here re both day to day activities and holidays. But I would also very much encourage you to try find ways to see your friends around their children. Realistically, big get together a will be tough for a while but you could arrange to meet with one or two with dc. Eg as others have suggested ask if you can spend an evening at theirs. Offer to cook or bring something so it doesn't add to their hassle and arrange to arrive after bed time. Or try to schedule lunch time family friendly activities in the weekend eg family friendly pub or a few friends, with dc, to yours for Sunday lunch. That allows you to stay in contact with your friends alongside hopefully making new friends elsewhere.

Original poster

deepbluetwilight · 28/10/2014 08:30

Oh don't get me wrong - I do see them. They're too important to not see them.

But at the same time I don't want to reach 40 and realise I haven't done or seen or experienced the things I want, and I was wondering how to balance this with friends who can't (totally understandably!) just hop on a plane or a train.

OP posts:

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