To be struggling with being childless and having little in common with others?

[deepbluetwilight]

Don't judge me by the garbled title! I do want advice I suppose.

I don't have children and I don't think that this will change - never say never I know especially as I'm 33 but ... Anyway, most of my friends have babies and/or toddlers.

The issue is that I rarely or never get to do anything much really as I don't have anybody to do it with! I do have one friend who doesn't have children, and we sometimes do stuff but I never get to go away on holiday or for the weekend or go to a concert or similar. (I wouldn't want to go myself.) I rarely or never get a night out or go out for a meal either!

I am conscious life's passing me by a bit and I want to "live" a bit more! But I do feel a bit limited and I wondered I suppose what others would suggest or recommend I do??

As a mum of a toddler I think perhaps some people can feel a bit defensive reading these sorts of posts. none of us want to admit that we've become that boring child-centred woman who's lost her sense of self. You sound very understanding of the demands parenthood has placed on your friends but I think you would do best to follow some of the advice give up thread. Your parent friends will return to you eventually but don't sit around and wait for them - you have opportunities that I grudgingly admit I'm a little jealous of.

and if you go on to have babies those friends with older children will be a blessing. They can lend you stuff, offer useful advice, really understand what you're going through, and have the freedom to come and give you a hand or just spend time with you.

Good luck finding some kindred spirits

Gosh, no need to be defensive :) my friends are lovely and their children are very sweet.

But it is difficult because money is tight for a lot of them: it was my birthday in September and we had afternoon tea in a country manor. One friend came with her two daughters and I know the petrol alone set her back a bit. I am so grateful that she could come but I did feel guilty.

Also, you can't just say 'oh well I will pay!' as understandably most people just won't hear of it.

I think I'm trying to enjoy 'now' a bit more, but it can be a little bit hard as I suppose at heart I like being with others. I understand that if you constantly have a full house a week of solitude sounds lovely but I'm on my own a lot so a holiday on my own would just sort of be an extension of that. And definitely don't be jealous of me: I'd LOVE to have a husband and toddler! Swings and roundabouts I suppose!

I think you need to find some new friends. That doesn't mean ditch the old ones, but you need some other single people to hang out with and do things with.

If I was in your position I would do something like: join a gym or a running club or a choir or start bell-ringing, join a meet-up group, start or join a book group, and look into the various options for single people to go away with a group of other singles. There are several companies that specialise in this and they're not all hiking up the Andes type trips.

You do sound a bit defeated, but you should see what you DO have that your friends don't, which is time and money to pursue your own interests. I bet they would bloody love to have at least a bit of that! So please try to see the upside in your situation and don't sit at home. You're young and solvent - that's a great and enviable position to be in.

Is there a different way to spend time with your friends?

The best single friend I have is like a ball of fun! She's so silly and the kids adore her. Sometimes she will text and tell me shes coming over and cooking us all a meal (simple spag bol but a welcome break), or arranges to watch a film/have glass of wine with me once kids are in bed, or in the summer she occasionally she set up a BBQ in the park while the kids were playing. She lives quite far away so she often sleeps in our spare room but will spend time reading to the kids in the morning and we often go for a walk splashing in puddles. Shes more of an auntie then the kids aunties!

This is another one of those threads where I have no idea why the OP is getting a hard time

OP with your existing friends, hang in there. This is the worst time in terms of time/money for them but in a few years it will get easier. I know when my 2 were small I hardly had any energy for frindships and they drifted a bit (all friends, not just the childless ones) but many were rekindled later on.

In the meantime though you need some friends who are at your stage in life (in terms of time, interests and resource). You've had loads of ideas above so I won't add any - just spend some time thinking about what you want, say from the next 5 years.

I just want to reiterate I am NOT for a moment suggesting I will drop my friends because they have children!

But, from the other side of things as it were: they have to balance time between their children, husbands, families and work. The only one of those I have is work. So naturally I have more free time than they do. Which means I spend quite large blocks of time alone.

I just don't have the sort of relationship that would mean a scenario like the one above would be applicable - I think they'd be quite scared if I rocked up out of nowhere and started cooking dinner for them! (Probably not least because my cooking is awful haha.)

Barbarian thanks - I'll definitely be trying some of the suggestions to do with meetup and spice.

I didn't have a child until I was 39, and I was the second in my group of oldest friends to do so. I was really aware that most of them didn't want children, and that I had to make a real effort not to be a baby bore. Talking about your children to people who don't have them is really fucking tedious, and even now DD's 4 I'm still really aware of keeping the conversation on the topics that orginally bound us all together. Of course we talk about DD, but not very much.

If I had remained childfree I would have felt exactly the same as you, I'm sure. It must be really hard to see friends drifting away, if you haven't replaced them with anything.

In terms of the friends you already have, can you do stuff like going to their house for dinner and then staying on after the kids are in bed? We have a very close single childfree friend and manage to notch up some quality time with him this way.

If you'd like a relationship and a child, have you tried internet dating? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and all that.

I know what you are saying but you can't just keep doing that: aside from anything else it isn't fair on their husbands. We've never really spent much time at one another's houses anyway - not sure why, it just isn't how it's 'done.' In any case they don't all live locally.

I may try ID in the future, not really sure at the moment.

I really recommend solos holidays.
They are aimed at the single traveller and do a wide range of holidays.
I'd got to the point were all my friends were paired up and really wanted a holiday.
So glad I took the plunge and went as I met my DH.
But I also met some lovely friends and had a fab time! When you get back all your mummy friends will be jealous! (in a nice way!)

Poor OP. You're not pathetic. FWIW I am the onl one of my friends with a baby (they're career gals) and I feel just as lonely. There's no answer but 'make new friends'- as though it's that easy.

You sound a bit "Yes, but".

I'm also childless. I see my friends with kids primarily on their terms - so days out with the children at the park, museums etc. or I go round to their houses for dinner - I suck up the travelling costs and they pay for food. I provide wine. It means they don't incur babysitting costs which can be catastrophic for family budgets.

I had my birthday dinner this year at 6:30pm in Pizza Express. It probably wouldn't have been my first choice but it meant that my friends came as they could bring their kids and we had lots of vouchers to use up! We all had a good time and their kids are actually important to me too and I wanted them to be included. I'm "auntie lurker" and they wanted to sing happy birthday, give me handmade cards and eat birthday cake. Because if you are 4 that is what birthday's are about. A few of us (those with partners happy to take the kids home to bed) stayed out for drinks and I think everyone had a good time even my other childless and grown up friends.

One of my friends has encouraged me to host dinner parties at her house (so I cooked) as then she and her husband could come without paying for childcare. The other guests either had cheap childcare (Granny calvalry) or no kids.

I have widened my social circle and continue to do so - lots of other childless people find the same thing so I now socialise with people that I've known for 10years but have only recently had time to see (they have also noticed the same). I meet people through work, hobbies etc, and as others have said online groups relating to them. I also try really hard to never turn down an invitation - I've had some "interesting" experiences this way -but you can truly only know you won't enjoy something 'til you have tried it.

I'm also very comfortably in my own company - I go on holiday alone - last time was to Cornwall (v. adventurous), next trip will be to do the east coast of the USA. I go to the cinema, theatre and galleries on my own. Sometimes it is easier to just book and go rather than faff around waiting for people to sort out their diaries.

When I was much younger, I tended to gravitate to slightly older women whose children had grown up. It depends on what you like to do. I never was into pubs-and-clubs so activities like swimming, wildlife, my church, shopping etc could be just as happily enjoyed with people of any age. I had contact with loads of lovely children while teaching, so I had quite a balanced lifestyle really. Could you perhaps extend the age-groups of possible friends to include slightly older ones?
I don't think you're 'pathetic' in the least. You sound very nice to me. Good luck, and I wish you lots of interesting, fulfilling friendships in the near future. x

It's not that I am being 'yes, but' - I'm just trying to clarify when people suggest ways I can see my current circle of friends that I'm not suggesting giving up on them altogether!

But I can't expect them to spend all their free time with me either. That isn't fair.

I'm confused as well - I've said I will be taking some of the advice: not sure how that's been read as 'yes, but'!

If you want to experience more 'life' then you're going to have to be proactive about grabbing it.

Basically you need to to widen your social circle and loads of people have given suggestions of how.

Going away on those organised holidays is a totally normal thing to do you know, it's not all super adventurous stuff and LOADS of normal and nice people are in tr same position as you.

I am off this Saturday to spend the afternoon and evening with a single, childless, 30s chum, we are going to the flicks and then out to dinner. I have ditched DH and DD without a backward glance, something that I am happy to do any day of the week!

It sounds like you can only socialise with your friends as couples, is that the case? DH and I don't go out much as a couple (for babysitting reasons) but do go out with our friends as a single, if you like. Would none of your friends do that? I must say, that sounds quite odd if that's so, we grab every opportunity with both hands to go out with mates and forget being a parent for a few hours! But we're not a particularly 'joined at the hip' couple.

What about workmates, are there any who are in the same boat as you, footloose and fancy-free? I've always socialised a lot with work friends, in fact most of my pre-mum friends I met at work.

Travelling - well, that's easy to do alone, in fact I would say there are a lot of benefits to travelling alone rather than as a couple of with friends. Both DH and I did 2/3 months stints by ourselves (though we were together at that point, but wanted to go by ourselves).

I think it's quite odd when you feel out of step with your 'peer group' for whatever reason.

FWIW, I had my DDs v young, so I'm now 37 and they're late teens (huzzah!) Most of my friends have under 10s (mainly under 5s) and yes, I feel a bit like I've completed that (exhausting) period of my life. I do see them, but I fit around them and thankfully we make good 'foursomes' so DH goes out with the chap and I stay in with and the woman and we put the kids to bed and natter. Then next time we reverse it so we go out and the blokes deal with bedtime. It does take more planning though than just meeting up for a meal! I vividly remember how bloody knackering having small is, so I try to keep seeing them low key (it does help that we live beside a beach and have an open door policy so if they're in the neighbourhood they text and come for a cuppa!)

As PPs (and the OP) have said, when they're small it's quite all consuming and trying to balance everything is difficult. The OP sounds like she's aware of this and isn't taking offence about it so for that!

I've a good friend who's in her mid-40s and happily single and I can't bloody wait for us to go on holiday together! It's lovely to have got to the point where I can go off and leave the DDs and DH to it for a week without worrying

I think the OP's been given lots of advice re making new friends, but I'd also add (may have been mentioned already) be patient with your friends (it sounds like you are anyway) - they will have more time eventually and then you can re-connect.

There's no nice way to say this, because I feel like a bit of a bitch for even typing it, but...

If generally atm you are feeling isolated from peers, or like you're the odd one out...I don't think posting on mumsnet is really going to help you tbh.

You're not likely to find many people on this forum in a similar position, by nature of what the site is.

I think there is a significant minority of non-parents on Mn, Walking. And maybe instructive for the OP to hear - from the horse's mouth, so to speak - that her friends will be more available to her in a few years, they haven't forgotten her, and how others without children have managed to continue to see friends with little ones.

I think personally she's unlucky in her mix of friends, or maybe where she lives. I only had a child at 39, and always had a mix of friends and colleagues who were single/coupled/with children/without - perhaps I was lucky, but I certainly never felt as anomalous and cut off from my peers as the OP does.

Though I imagine it made a difference that I didn't want a child, so envying other people their toddlers was never an issue...

Have you, er, read the thread, Memphis? Because quite a few of us without children have pitched in, plus parents with single friends have discussed how those friendships work for them.

Some great advice here.

Another tack is to just pile in with the kids and be an auntie, for now. That is the history of women and their friends, relatives, sisters. Bringing up the next generation is a group task and the involvement of non parents is a massive support.

It may not be what you want to do but if you do throw yourself into where these friends are then you can get swallowed up in that busyness of family life and it is a great joy for everyone, everyone gains. I think of Italian families and gatherings, people don't avoid the people with young children! The young children are to do with all of us wherever we are in our fertility stage.

All the other advice is great but I just think, we should all pile in with each other more and get involved. Nothing would be more welcome to your mates with young kids! Kids also bring a lot of joy and love etc.

I felt like you do too though before I had dc so I'm not saying it is easy. But the piling in approach seems more natural to the way our species behaves. We are social animals, and animals mostly breed so putting oneself apart from that maybe isn't as necessary as we sometimes feel it should be.
Just a thought! I wish my dearest mate would just come and pile in with us. I can't afford the time or expense of her girlie nights out anymore! And I feel guilty about it too.

Have you, er, read the thread, Memphis? Because quite a few of us without children have pitched in, plus parents with single friends have discussed how those friendships work for them

Yes, I get that. But the op has said she is struggling with having little in common with her peers, directly related to being childless. Although, clearly, there are childless people who use mn, the vast majority DO have children. The op is still in the minority amongst her peers on mn so it's unlikely to affect her overall feeling IMO - getting maybe 25 posts from those with dc and 5 from those without.

Just seems an odd place to ask for advice on that particular subject tbh.

But Memphis, mothers were once childless women! Of course they can advise.

Your post really struck a chord with me, OP. I'm a few years older than you, but in exactly the same position. It sucks, doesn't it? I'm going to check out meetup and spice as others have suggested. It's all very well to stick it out, cut your friends some slack and wait for their kids to grow out of the constant attention phase, but in the meantime the odd coffee every couple of weeks doesn't make a healthy social life. Makes all that child-free luxury time a bit redundant!

And fwiw, the reason I joined mn in the first place was I thought it would help me understand what my friends have on their plates now. Nice to hear that makes me an idiot.

I think you can have a very full life without children, but I suppose its helpful to find what you want to "do".

People are born for their own selves, not inevitably to 'reproduce' to have value!!

When I was single I joined a Facebook group called London Singles where people listed a gallery, event or trip they wanted to do, and others joined. It had more of a friendly atmosphere than flirty. I liked it as I preferred to do things with other people and lots of my friends were coupled up. Check if there are any similar groups in your area.

Also active exercise clubs can be a great way to get to know new friends.

We have a young baby now and I haven't seen my childless friends so much. Partly logistics, partly that I feel they may be bored by my company currently! I am on maternity leave and preoccupied with my baby all day, so tbh I don't have much non-baby to say, and I worry they will be bored hearing about baby. I also worry that they might be judgemental if she cries or if I struggle to get her to sleep or if we have to plan our day around her. Not sure what to advise from that, except that my friends might think I have lost interest in them, when I actually haven't.