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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my niece being left alone

118 replies

lollipoppi · 27/10/2014 15:49

My DB and SIL both work shifts, their children often have to stay out upto 3 nights a week.
My niece is starting high school next year, she will be just 11yo

When DB and SIL shifts cross over on some mornings, approx 3 per week, they will be leaving my niece in the house on her own, expecting her to set an alarm, get herself up and ready for school, lock up the house and get to school, on her own

I have 2 children but they are a lot younger, so I can't really judge if this is ok to do but I just feel so upset for my niece, apart from all of the obvious dangers it just seems so wrong

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 28/10/2014 14:30

I've had to leave my dd some mornings from 6:40 am from the age of 11yo.

I couldn't leave at 4am as there's no way my dd would get out of bed on her own and make the school bus. At least at 6:40 I can make sure she's up and out of bed....she has to leave the house at 7:30 herself so although it sounds really early it isn't. I set her another alarm at 7:25 to make sure she actually leaves the house on time.

But for a kid who's better at getting themselves up I think its ok. Not ideal bit not neglect.

HazleNutt · 28/10/2014 15:35

If the girl is fine then it's fine. I personally don't think that expecting an 11-year old to get up and go to school, without parent holding her hand a couple of times per week, is neglect and worthy of "won't somebody think of the children!!" cries. And if you have to be there to make sure your teenagers actually go to school, then it's about time to address the problem.

HazleNutt · 28/10/2014 15:40

Also, OP does not mention that getting up is a problem for the niece - I would think that if parents knew there's a risk she won't get up, they would not even consider it.

Bunbaker · 28/10/2014 15:58

"If it's snowing - check if school is open - my 8 year old managed this last year."

My 14 year old is so scatty, it would never occur to her.

sickntiredtoo · 28/10/2014 16:33

lots missing the point.It is not as if the parents are leaving her at 7.30 to get up and get out (although I think 11 is too yong for that even).It is teh fact they are leaving at 4am which is still the middle of the night.
An 11 yo should not be left home alone at night IMO
What are the arrangements at the moment OP?

Hakluyt · 28/10/2014 16:38

"I am a governor at a secondary school and we discuss these things at governing body meetings. One pupil sleeps alone at night because the parent works night shift."

Do you? Well, you shouldn't!

KoalaDownUnder · 28/10/2014 16:39

Totally agree, sick. The issue is that something might happen to frighten her in the night (e.g. a real or imagined intruder, loud bang, police helicopter, neighbourhood domestic) and she'll be alone in a dark house. That's a bloody horrible position to put a 12-year-old child in.

Bunbaker · 28/10/2014 16:46

"Do you? Well, you shouldn't!"

The safeguarding officer just gave an overview of the children who were kept an eye on. Their identities were not revealed.

ArkhamOffett · 28/10/2014 16:53

At a general meeting, not one exclusively concerned with one particular child, with a GB presence on the panel?

Your GB needs to take advice on that as it shouldn't be happening, Bunbaker.

Original poster

lollipoppi · 28/10/2014 17:50

The current arrangements is that both children stay out on the school nights, either at grandparents, mine, sisters
Come September the youngest child will still stay out for one of is to take them to school, but niece will be at home alone
She will be only just 11, not 12

I should also say, they lead a very comfortable lifestyle, DB has the option to go part time to fit around school hours, so the children can sleep at home in their own beds every night. They could easily afford this. This has been discussed numerous times since the children started primary school, but nothing has ever been done about it.

I don't feel uncomfortable with her getting a bus to school or even getting herself washed dressed ect she is more than capable, but it just doesn't sit right with me that she would be alone in the house from 4am

OP posts:

gentlehoney · 28/10/2014 18:00

The new information changes my opinion, lollipoppi.
I had imagined that the family had no other choice but to work those hours and were making the best of a bad situation, but if there is another way they should do it.
I am shocked that someone would want farm the children out every single school night. It would be almost like not having children.
Why are the extended family so willing to encourage a chaotic environment for the children if the parents don't have to do this?

Bunbaker · 28/10/2014 20:01

Arkham I had no idea. Perhaps I should raise this the next time this topic crops up at a GB meeting.

Original poster

lollipoppi · 28/10/2014 20:07

Gentle it's just the way it's always been ??
Family started helping out and I think it's just been taken advantage of over time

My niece has cried herself to sleep at my house because she hasn't seen her mum for 2-3 days it's really upsetting

I guess that's why I feel a bit protective over her being left alone in the house at 4am

She will like the fact that she can stay at home in her own bed but I think it will be so lonely
It's not every school day but on average about 3 days per week

OP posts:

LoxleyBarrett · 28/10/2014 20:28

"The new information changes my opinion, lollipoppi."

Why does it change your opinion? It is either right to leave the child or it isn't?

Fabulous46 · 28/10/2014 20:34

Social Work may not see this as a CP issue. There is no legal age limit to leave children on their own. It's only an offence if it places the child at risk which depends on the maturity of the child or if leaving the child is likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health. It would also depend on if there are emergency contacts close by etc. It's not something I would have done but every child is different. My lot could not have been trusted at 11 to even go to school!

bigTillyMint · 28/10/2014 21:30

OP, does her mum know that she has cried herself to sleep?

I was quite happy for my DC to come home from school before I got back from work from 11, but leaving them on their own in the morning is a whole different ball-game. I know it depends on the child, but given that she is missing her mum now, I reckon she could do with a bit more support, not less.

DD was also only just 11 when she started secondary and no way could she have coped with getting herself up and to school in the first term - she needed me to prop her up until she got into the swing of it. Even now (Y11, aged 15) she wouldn't be happy if I was regularly not there first thing.

What if she doesn't wake up in time and then gets into a mad panic?
DS is much more independent, but he is RUBBISH at getting out of bed and to school on time.

gentlehoney · 28/10/2014 23:16

"Why does it change your opinion? It is either right to leave the child or it isn't?"

To me, it isnt that black or white. There is a world of difference between making the best of an unavoidably lousy situation and deliberately putting your needs above the child's.
If the OP knows that it is not necessary for the child to stay with relatives most nights then the child will know it too and possibly feel rejected.
Why would anyone choose to do this?

textingdisaster · 28/10/2014 23:31

YANBU OP. I agree with the posters who say there could be a break in while your niece is sleeping alone at night (our house was broken into at about 5.00 am). Or a fire. I think her parents are being irresponsible and oddly blasé.

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