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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my niece being left alone

118 replies

lollipoppi · 27/10/2014 15:49

My DB and SIL both work shifts, their children often have to stay out upto 3 nights a week.
My niece is starting high school next year, she will be just 11yo

When DB and SIL shifts cross over on some mornings, approx 3 per week, they will be leaving my niece in the house on her own, expecting her to set an alarm, get herself up and ready for school, lock up the house and get to school, on her own

I have 2 children but they are a lot younger, so I can't really judge if this is ok to do but I just feel so upset for my niece, apart from all of the obvious dangers it just seems so wrong

OP posts:

Morloth · 27/10/2014 20:19

It is a stupid guideline and SS presumably (and certainly should) have more important things to do.

Nancy66 · 27/10/2014 20:23

the main thing is that the child is ok with it.

I don't think it's ideal and it sounds like a very chaotic arrangement all round for the whole family. But I guess it's unavoidable.

fluffyfanjo · 27/10/2014 20:25

I think it is preferable for a child to have some company over breakfast, a nice chat and a hug before leaving the house. The child also has to learn independence skills though

I think the reality in most households consists of said child shoveling cereal or toast in their gob whilst either doing last nights homework or grunting at you whilst trying to watch E4 before making a made dash out of the front door to their waiting mates...............

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 27/10/2014 20:28

My niece is starting high school next year, she will be just 11yo
When DB and SIL shifts cross over on some mornings, approx 3 per week, they will be leaving my niece in the house on her own, expecting her to set an alarm, get herself up and ready for school, lock up the house and get to school, on her own
That's a horribly lonely life for a young child. Its neglect.

Original poster

lollipoppi · 27/10/2014 20:43

I'm not actually sure how niece feels about it, I've not asked her, my DB told me today and I just said that if plans change and she doesn't feel comfortable with it I am happy to help whenever I can

OP posts:

fluffyfanjo · 27/10/2014 20:44

That's a horribly lonely life for a young child. Its neglect

FFS the child will probably only be spending 2 or 3 waking hours alone each week - Hardly a "lonely Life" or neglectful for a child to get their own breakfast and lock a door 3 days a week - How do you think the majority of working parents manage when formal childcare stops at 11? I dont know of ANY working parents of senior school aged children who don't leave their children "home alone" at some point during the working week.

This half term my 12 year old will spend the majority of each day alone from 7am to 5pm - if only I'd realized I was being such a neglectful parent I'd have resigned from my job ...................

VikingLady · 27/10/2014 21:02

Really does depend on the kid. And those guidelines..... Well! I was alone in the evenings by 10 and was fine, then by 11 (Yr7) I got myself up, fed and out etc before my parents got up. I generally did DB's breakfast too. I got a train then bus to school, the same on the way home, picked DB up from the childminders and was responsible for him til 6 each evening. We did dinner too. My only issue is that they wouldn't put the heating on in the early mornings! I stayed over with friends when their parents were away from about 13, and my best friend and I house say for a week at about that age too.

DB on the other hand set fire to the kitchen with a microwaved potato aged 13. I'm not sure if trust him home alone aged 30!

NuggetofPurestGreen · 27/10/2014 21:11

My parents were both dead by the time I was 11 so I was getting myself up and out from then. This sounds fine to me (especially when not everyday).

The nspcc guidelines about not leaving a 15 year old alone overnight are a bit much no?

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2014 21:16

Sorry. Am happy to be a lone voice on this one. I'm sure the parents are doing it out of necessity, but I think it's sad that an 11 year-old will be waking in an empty house and fully sorting themselves out and going off to school with no-one else around.

I also hope that if they forget to turn something off or don't lock up properly that they don't get blamed.

And it's nothing to do with their capability or lack thereof.

I don't like it.

ScaryZ · 27/10/2014 21:23

I think this is much better than at the end of the day. They leave at 4.30. Child wakes at 7.30, is out of house by 8 - that's half an hour on her own three mornings a week.

Many children at 11 no longer want to (or are able to) go to after school care, so are alone from 3.30 or 4 to maybe 7 (that's 3 hours or more) five days a week.

Neither are neglect, though if I was the child I would prefer my parents around in the evenings for 3 hours than in the mornings for a very rushed half an hour. And this is probably her choice - I suspect she wants to sleep in her own house not be shipped out every time her parents are working.

As for it being a child protection issue, don't be ridiculous . And if the child isn't happy, relations can step in as they obviously have done in the past and are still doing for younger siblings.

Mintyy · 27/10/2014 21:26

My 11 year old would absolutely hate this. Its a bit sad isn't it? Somehow its not the same as at the other end of the day.

Mintyy · 27/10/2014 21:30

And I'm going to raise the dreaded "what if there's a fire?" spectre too. I know it is not permitted on Mumsnet, but what if there was a fire in the middle of the night - more likely to go undetected for a while than during the day - is it fair to leave an 11 year old alone to deal with that. Or a break in?

I know, I know, I know - all very unlikely. But still.

greygeese · 27/10/2014 21:30

Unfortunately there are many parents who don't have a choice but to leave their DC in the early morning so they can get to work on time. It's that or lose a job and rely on benefits, which I think would be far worse for my DC than spending time on their own.

My DC are on their own from (at worst) 6.30am to 8pm. On a good day, it's less. But sometimes it is that long. Has been the same since they were 11.

Maybe those snotty posters saying how awful and neglectful it I would like to suggest an alternative...childcare? My DC are too old, round here there is no provision over 11. I have nowhere for an aupair to sleep. Relatives? I don't have any.

So it's leave them or not go to work, and lose my job. Hobson's choice really.

iwaly · 27/10/2014 21:30

I would not choose to do this if there was a choice. It is just a bit lonely to be on your own three mornings a week like that age 11. And problems can happen unexpectedly which a child that age might not have the experience to deal with, or at the other extreme the child might decide its a good chance to invite people in or try something she isnt meant to. If no alternative then needs must I suppose and I assume there will be daily phone calls/texts to confirm all is okay.

If there is a choice such as the OP helping out or something then I would take it. But it would probably be better for the OP to offer something specific/regular like coming round each Monday morning or something if she wants to help - even one day a week would mean the child has less time alone. Otherwise, if it is a matter of the parents having to ring round all the time to see if OP or grandparents or who is available that week and arrange things then you can see it is probably easier for the child to just get on with it rather than have all sorts of different arrangements going on from one week to the next. There is a lot to be said for routine, being in your own home/bed and not having to rely on "favours" which might fall through.

Is there no one (neighbour, school friend or OP or nearby family) who could at least pop in on way to work and check all okay?

ladygracie · 27/10/2014 21:34

My 11 year old would hate it too & so would my 14 yr old I think. She insists I wake her up if I'm going out early. It does seem sad but I'm not sure why.

ladygracie · 27/10/2014 21:37

Grey goose - this is not the same situation as yours as there are people to help in the op's case. And I wouldn't leave my 11yr old for that long no. I'd ask friends to help & then reciprocate. Or pay an older teen in the day.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 27/10/2014 21:37

But surely (like adults) some children get lonely, some don't? Some people actually like spending time on their own - and it's not something that suddenly happens in adulthood. I loved having the place to myself as a child.

TattyDevine · 27/10/2014 21:38

Its fine.

It would be worse in my opinion if she was having to deal with younger siblings.

It is really only half an hour and if it means they are there at the other end of the day it is probably fine.

I had the opposite with mine not there over the dinner-hour and into the evening and whilst I had my brother it lacked structure with homework and TV and the like, we were pretty much left to our own devices and didn't always make the right decisions.

Worst case scenario is she skips breakfast, and if she is repeatedly late it will be flagged.

Life is complicated and she'll only be 11 for another year, and then she'll only be 12 for a year after that, etc, it may well give her good life skills.

I don't think its a safety or safeguarding issue.

TattyDevine · 27/10/2014 21:38

Just to add, not ideal, but life isn't always ideal.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 27/10/2014 21:38

(Obviously would have preferred my parents around but before they died I never minded being left alone. I'm still the same now.)

PurpleTurtleDove · 27/10/2014 21:44

assuming she is nt and is happy with it, it is fine imo.

teenagetantrums · 27/10/2014 21:51

Well I used to leave my 11 year old when he was in year 7, I left home at 5am, when he was a year old I left his younger sister and he dropped her at breakfast club on his way to school , never a problem with it, I had no choice really but it all worked fine. depends on the child as long as they are happy, and know what to do in event of fire, emergency it should be ok.

Mintyy · 27/10/2014 22:11

It's not "only half an hour". Why do people keep saying that?

ScaryZ · 27/10/2014 22:46

I think of it as half an hour as I've never known a secondary age child emerge from their lair room more than half an hour before they leave the house.

ds has it down to a fine art; up, shower (that's the longest bit), weetabix/tea while getting dressed, clean teeth, out door in about 20 minutes.

I don't think it's ideal - but I hated coming home to an empty house and being their for a long time; I would have preferred mornings.

Mintyy · 27/10/2014 22:52

It's the dead of the night thing and the fact that the child isn't even awake whilst alone. Couldn't do it, not at age 11 certainly.

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