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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want to Say Something Over 12yr DD Being Left to Entertain 3x 5 & Underat a Party...

51 replies

RockinHippy · 26/10/2014 23:54

For aprox 5 hours. DH who can be a wuss at times thinks I should leave it, & maybe keep an eye next time - we've had similar happen before with the siblings pretty much forced in DD for the duration.

The youngest sibling was behaving very badly out of view of the adults, sweetness & light in view of the adults, they were spitting at DD, hitting & kicking her, she has bruises coming up to prove it.

It's a small get together, not a big party, 2 siblings & a cousin, DD has health problems so gets exhausted easily & to my mind this would be a lot for an adult to deal with & the parents were taking the pee. DD did try to speak up to the DM & ask for help, let her know that the 3yr old was playing up & she had, had enough, she's polite, so obviously wasn't forceful enough, as the DM just brushed it off as "no, no, she's fine & carried on chatting & drinking.

In fairness DD idolises the 1 yr old cousin & he's never any trouble, so she's happy to keep an eye on him & looks forward to seeing him, but still needs a break, but where's as she's happy to play with the others too for a while, she resents that the DM pushes her into it & presumes she's happy to look after them too & brushes off polite protests

AIBU to want to send an email tackling this once & for all ??

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/10/2014 23:57

Were you there? Confused

Original poster
RockinHippy · 26/10/2014 23:59

No, I'm home I'll, just DH though DD says she didn't make much of a fuss to him as he was busy talking

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:00

Ill, not I'll

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 27/10/2014 00:05

Yabu, it happened it's over now and sending an email is just ridiculous. She's 12 yo, hardly a small child and it's fine if she was left with all the kids to 'play' together. It just seems like a normal family get together?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2014 00:07

I'm not following why your dd was babysitting? Was she being paid to? If not, why didn't she justvwk off and do her own thing? And why didn't her dad step in? Sorry if I've misunderstood but I don't really follow your post

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2014 00:07

I'm sorry but I've read it twice and I'm still unsure as to what you're talking about.

I'm going to guess that your 12yr old DD was put in a babysitting position that she wasn't happy with?

If that's the case, she of course needs to speak up and make her feelings clear.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/10/2014 00:09

Hmm, well we have a similar sort of set up at our twice yearly family meet ups. The older children watch/play with the younger ones for most of the time. That said, both the eldest and youngest child in the family are mine so either myself or DH will be checking/joining in or just 'there' within sight of the kids.

TBH, your DH is probably the one who should have been standing up for his DD if her health problems made the task too much for her. The other adults may well have been taking advantage of her, or they may have genuinely not realised she wanted out.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:09

No, not a family get together & it's become something of a regular occurrence when we see them & DD gets really fed up with it as they are not easy kids to deal with

She was repeatedly kicked, punched & spat at & the DM didn't step in & take over when politely asked to by DD - DD also has a health condition which means she feels pain more, chronic fatigue & much more, she's come home wiped out & feeling very ill because if it

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 27/10/2014 00:11

Sorry but if it's become a regular occurrence, then why is it being allowed to happen? Why are you or your DH not doing anything about it at the time?

Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:12

I should maybe add, they are old friends of DH, but not close friends, the Parents of the 1 year old are good friends of both of us & DDs godparents

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:13

I wasn't there & DH TBH is a wuss in situations like this - I have stepped in at other times

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:15

Sorry, I'm having real problems with this site tonight, keep Losing the type box etc

DD DID speak up to the DM, but it was brushed off & ignored

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/10/2014 00:16

Ah, OK, I understand a little more now.

I still think that it was down to your DH to step in on DD's behalf though. Would it be an option for your DD not to go next time? They may sound unfair on her, but it doesn't sound like she's having much fun at these get togethers as it is.

Certainly today, as you were at home too, I would have offered her the chance to stay with you.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:19

Thank you

She really wanted to go, was really looking forward to seeing the 1 year old & an older friend who it turned out wasn't there, we didn't know this couple were going to be there

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:29

Argh - this is driving me nuts, the site was fine when I posted my OP

I Also think DH should have stepped in, but he says & DD agrees that wasn't fully aware of what was going on & was sat in an awkward spot for DD to talk to, LOs were brought to her & left in another room, which was where the Middle one was playing up & attacking DD, she trued moving away from them into other rooms, but they followed or the DM brought them back to her

DH did comment that neither of the DPs were paying that much attention to the DCs, though he also said they probably just wanted a break & to relax with adultsHmm he also commented that he noticed they weren't stepping in to stop the younger sibling from taking all of certain buffet food, playing with other food etc

Thankfully we don't see them that often, but have a few kid friendly events coming up where we will see them

I'm not thinking of anything aggressive, just a polite but firm request that DD is ASKED if she minds & that they listen & respect if she says she does mind.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/10/2014 00:31

Oh dear Sad.

In that case, the only answer really is that her dad should have stood up for her. A polite 12 year old does not always have the confidence/skills to deal with that sort of situation herself.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/10/2014 00:33

Sorry x-posts.

Your DH obviously knows your DD has a medical condition. "Not realising" is not good enough, I'm afraid. He should have got up from his seat and checked his DD was OK.

Coolas · 27/10/2014 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/10/2014 00:40

I don't really understand what you're saying either.

Were these your DD's siblings (half-siblings/step-siblings) or your Dh's or yours or somebody else's? How old are the siblings? And your DD's 1 year old cousin. Or are none of these people related to your DD?

So that was just four children, ages ranging from 1 year to 12 years and some adults, including your DH.

What was your DH doing while these children were spitting at, hitting, kicking and giving your DD bruises? Even if the other adults aren't, he must be very aware of her health problems and that she gets exhausted easily. Was he just carrying on chatting and drinking, too?
Five hours is a long time for a children's party. Was it actually a party for the adullts, in which case I wonder why your DH would take your DD, given that you say you have had similar happen before.

I'm sorry, I can't really say whether you are BU to want to send an email tackling this once & for all (because I'm not really sure who you intend to send the email to and who was meant to be 'in charge' of your DD), but I'm guessing that if the situation wasn't something your DD could deal with, then your DH should have dealt with it as he was the parent on the spot.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:43

That Exactly it Santa she did very well to try & stand up for herself, but was brushed off by the DM

I have told DH off for not keeping a better eye on things & stepping in, but in fairness to him, DD is mature for her age & is fiercely independent, she doesn't like a fuss over her health problems & in different circumstances would have got annoyed if he had kept following her & asking if she was okay - also the DM is someone you need to be very firm with or she will rough shod over people & like I said he is a wuss

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:48

Sorry if my OP us confusing, like I said, I'm really ill right now & very foggy headed

To clarify - none of these DCs are related to DD, the 1 yr old is the DS of very good friends, the other 2 are the DC of the 1 yr olds aunt, who isn't a close friend of ours, but a long time not so close friend of DH

OP posts:
Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 00:53

The child was attacking DD in another room, but acting like butter wouldn't melt in front of any adults, she's only young, so too young to label, but the behaviour was very sly & she was making out DD was lying.

Usually these are a small get together of friends with their kids, but the hosts DD was away, which we didn't know & others with kids either hadn't turned up or hadn't brought their kids - the hosts DScwas there, but locked himself in his room with his friend

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 27/10/2014 00:59

So when your DC tried to move away, this pushy 'DM' actually brought her little DC back to her with the expectation that child care duties would resume? Perhaps you, DD and DH need to devise a strategy for the next time eg as and when the little tyrant starts up, DD comes and sits/stands very close to you or DH - bit difficult for the child to be foisted on her there with the grown ups! I think it's a question of breaking habits and expectations on the Pushy DM's part, ideally without a showdown. These people don't see they're doing any wrong, so a head-to-head is rarely productive.

Original poster
RockinHippy · 27/10/2014 01:09

Yes Walk that's exactly what the DM did & I have seen her do the exact same in the past when out for group meals & I've done exactly as you suggest & even picked up DDs things & brought them close tombs, but DM is so thick skinned, she seems not to notice - hence why I thought the email was a better idea, in black & white, no room for misunderstanding & not confrontational as I would probably need to be very stroppy if talking to her face to face.

DD does quite happily entertain the 1 yr old, he's no trouble & she loves him very much, as she does his DPs & she likes to help them, she just doesn't like the aunt taking advantage & palming her off with the other 2,

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 27/10/2014 01:09

Ah think I am having site troubles too, RockinHippy I finished posting and lots of posts jumped in ... with your explanations.

It is clearer now, but I still think it was down to your DH. He is the one that understands your DDs health and limitations and he is the one who should have parented her.

He may, as you say, be a wuss, and he may have correctly noticed that neither of the DPs were paying that much attention to the DCs and they probably just wanted a break & to relax with adults, but maybe he too wanted a break & to relax with adults.

Sorry, I do think you would be unreasonable to send an email. Next time, simply tell DD that the second things get out of hand , she's to come and sit with you or her dad ... then support that when she does.

Hope you feel better soon.

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