To Want to Say Something Over 12yr DD Being Left to Entertain 3x 5 & Underat a Party...

[RockinHippy]

For aprox 5 hours. DH who can be a wuss at times thinks I should leave it, & maybe keep an eye next time - we've had similar happen before with the siblings pretty much forced in DD for the duration.

The youngest sibling was behaving very badly out of view of the adults, sweetness & light in view of the adults, they were spitting at DD, hitting & kicking her, she has bruises coming up to prove it.

It's a small get together, not a big party, 2 siblings & a cousin, DD has health problems so gets exhausted easily & to my mind this would be a lot for an adult to deal with & the parents were taking the pee. DD did try to speak up to the DM & ask for help, let her know that the 3yr old was playing up & she had, had enough, she's polite, so obviously wasn't forceful enough, as the DM just brushed it off as "no, no, she's fine & carried on chatting & drinking.

In fairness DD idolises the 1 yr old cousin & he's never any trouble, so she's happy to keep an eye on him & looks forward to seeing him, but still needs a break, but where's as she's happy to play with the others too for a while, she resents that the DM pushes her into it & presumes she's happy to look after them too & brushes off polite protests

AIBU to want to send an email tackling this once & for all ??

Thank you - antibiotics should hopefully kick in soon

It's not just me then with the site, I'm finding the page you type on, is very jumpy & if I don't type fast enough, can turn itself over & lose my reply - hence the multiple short posts to answer questions, a pain & a half

Thanks for your advice

I wouldn't email but presumably you will be there next time so you need to make sure you are on top of the situation at the next gathering on behalf of your DD.

Is there a lot of drinking going on at these get togethers?

Either the adults are palming the DCs off or they genuinely think your DD loves it.

I think your DH needs to step up (is he drinking?) or your DD does not go

I don't understand why your DH simply didn't bring DD home when she explained the situation to him. that isn't him being a bit of a wuss, that's him wanting to stay at the party.

Yes, the DM ignored your DD - but so did her own father. that's the real problem - your child was being taken advantage of, to the detriment of her health and her own father did nothing to help her. that's pretty awful of him. He's the one you need to speak to.

Surely your anger should be directed at your DH? He allowed your daughter to be put upon by these adults and bullied by their children. DD needs some help with assertiveness and DH needs to step up with the parenting. Don't send an email yes the other parents were wrong but you didn't see any of this and your own husband allowed it to happen.

I can easily imagine the situation you describe. The same thing would happen in our family to my polite obliging 13 year old, and my husband would be thinking "Oh she's ok; she likes taking care of younger kids, and there's no need to fuss". Even afterwards, my husband would think I am making a bigger deal of it than necessary.

I think you will have to be there yourself to protect your daughter. You could have a conversation with the mother, but she would probably be thinking that you are being a pain and your daughter was fine. She sounds insensitive and selfish.

Your DH was a complete wuss and did not put the needs and wishes of his daughter first.

My ex used to do this sort of stuff with his family. If I was there I used to end up doing the baby sitting because my DSs hated it (massive age gap) or else looking like the yappy loon for pulling the DM up on it.

Is your DH generally this disengaged when you go out and he's having a good time? Or is it just something that happens with this particular bunch of friends?

I think you need to talk to him and make sure he realises your DD isn't free babysitting for everyone else and he needs to put her needs first, before his friends.

Your DH was a complete wuss and did not put the needs and wishes of his daughter first.

My ex used to do this sort of stuff with his family. If I was there I used to end up doing the baby sitting because my DSs hated it (massive age gap) or else looking like the yappy loon for pulling the DM up on it.

Is your DH generally this disengaged when you go out and he's having a good time? Or is it just something that happens with this particular bunch of friends?

I think you need to talk to him and make sure he realises your DD isn't free babysitting for everyone else and he needs to put her needs first, before his friends.

You really have got to work out why your daughter didnt feel that she could go to her dad, being that he was there at the time. By all means talk to the mother about it, but he IS her dad and needs to step up and make sure his daughter is ok.

I would send an email to the Mum. I would also talk to your dh. I would also talk to dd and make it clear that she is under no obligation to look after other people's children.
YANBU, I have a similar scenario with SIL and 12yo dd, it is not pleasant.
Hope you are feeling a bit better, and yes do write the email.

It all sounds a bit crap though for the kids, maybe no one should bring them? What else would dd do? Read in the corner? Chat to the adults?

Was your DH aware of what was happening? That his dd was being kicked and wanted an adult to help her?

If so, I would be livid at DH for not doing something to protect his dd.

You dh had parental responsibility for his child and he let her down. Particularly as you say this has happened before. He should have kept a close eye on her and when seeing that it was all getting too much, taken her to sit with him, or home so she could rest. He wasn't a wuss. He was bone idle IMO.

It's down to your DH. He should have been making sure DD was ok.

I think an email would be a mistake, either you or your dh should have the conversation with this woman face to face at the time it actually happens. The behaviour of the child needs to be pointed out to her as it doesn't seem that this would be such an issue if the child was being a little more pleasant and less irritating? I have a 12 year old and a 3 year old and lots of small nieces and nephews and while my ds does enjoy playing with them all for a certain amount of time he would get a bit bored with 5 hours and I wouldn't expect him to do this. I would encourage your dd to come and report bad behaviour to the adults at the time and then tell her to come and join the adults for a while if it's getting a bit much with the little ones.

Thinking about it a bit more, why does your daughter not feel comfortable about telling her dad that someone was kicking her?

Your Dh is at fault for not making sure he knew what was going on as this other Dm seems to have form. He needs to know that he is still responsible for dd when they are out together.

The Dm clearly behaved awfully leaving your dd in charge and keeping in bringing the kids back. I might be tempted to send a polite e mail saying that your dd is not there to mind her kids but dh's lack of intervention at the time will undermine this.

Dd needs to completely walk away and leave the kids if this happens again. They are not her responsibility. She can tell their mum once that this is what she is doing. She can take the 1 year old with her if she wants and play with him near his mum. Tbh I would not expect a 12 year olds to care for my 1 year old away from me - she should be allowed to goo at him with the safety net of parents right there.

I agree small children are quite capable of being sly at times - it is down to the parents letting them profit from this type of behaviour in the past.

Your DH let her down.
Next time you go to them give her some advice on what to do if she has problems and of course you or DH step in to support her. Too late to send emails now.

You say "he can't do it because he's a wuss" like that's a diagnosed medical disability. He's simply not allowed to be a wuss where his daughter is in (mild) distress.

However I'm not sure that all guns blazing is actually the best approach. If in future your DD comes straight to you, (bringing the one year old with her) and when the little pests come up you respond to them (or their DM) with "no, DD can't come with you she's talking to us" then that should work. Strategies in advance should work - even if it's only bringing a good book and saying firmly "no, I'm reading" or "no, the baby and I are playing a game together".

Your DH needs to up his game, your dd is ill/has a disability and he should know exactly what she can and can't do that will affect her condition adversely. Then he should be overseeing any situation where he's the parent in charge to make sure she's not doing anything to adversely affect her condition, she's 12 and shouldn't have to manage it alone. That's what a parent does.

If these occasions are happening periodically and your dd does want to interact with a younger child, I'd suggest you say your dd can amuse one child for X minutes, then she'll return the child to their parents and she'll be with you to have a rest for however long it takes not to impact on her health.

Thanks everyone

I have now had a chance to get more details from both DH & DD & DH WAS checking on her periodically - DD didn't make too much fuss to him until later as by then my DD had refused to share a packet of snacks with the younger sibling until she behaved herself - cue this child crying & throwing a tantrum to her DM & aunt (who is our good friend) that DD was being very mean & aunt came & told DD that she had to share her snacks, ignoring DDs protests & reasons & this DC was by then acting all sweetness & light - this was the final straw for DD who then took herself out into the garden away from all of them

DH could see her through the window & went out to see what was wrong, she then spilled everything to him & he had her come back in & sit with him away from both of these siblings - the family left soon after as they turned their attention to hassling the DM - the boys who had locked themselves in an upstairs room, then opened up & invited DD & even the 1 yr old in to play video games with them

DH did comment that he thinks that they don't get out much, thinks there's been issues with babysitting for the younger sibling too, & that when she does get out, even as a family, the DM switches off from childcare duties & demands the DF gets up & deals with everything, no taking turns as we would have done. DD spoke with the DM a few times, but was brushed off as her being silly, the DC "is fine" & her request for help ignored

She should have gone to DH earlier, but she's a very mature 12 yr old & thought she was doing the right thing by trying to deal with it herself - with hindsight, partly my fault as before they left I had told her, that if she had any problems with this Family, that it was okay to tell the DM (who she knows better than the DF) that she had, had enough & to take her kids back.

I should have said AND let DH know as I know of old how hard it is to get through & how cheeky this DM can be - in the past I've watched DD move away from the siblings after the younger one was trying to smash our iPad screen by thumping it - she sat on her own to read & the DM actually got up & moved both her DCs toys & drinks to the table DD had sat herself on to get away from them. I brought DD to sit with us & she then moved toy etc to the end of the table we were all sat at - she ignored me saying that DD had, had enough & wanted time away from them, brushing it off as, "oh but they love her so much & she's so good with DCs" walking off & leaving them - I had to move the stuff & DCs back next to the DM& DF myself & she still looked surprised - hence why I thought an email made more sense as it couldn't be ignored

The 1 yr old wasn't with DD none stop, he went between DD & his DPs, but DD was enjoying supervising his toddling around & she was even quite happy sitting watching PG films cuddled up with the 3 of them in another room, she commented on her sweet the older sibling was too - she just wasn't happy with the bad behaviour of the younger sibling & the presumption by this DM that she was the evenings free childminder,, especially after she had complained & asked for help, which is fair enough as she found it very stressful & is wiped out today as a result

clarashu

That sounds exactly it - only this isn't family, they are not even close friends

Just by way of update...

Based on most of the replies here, I didn't send an email to the DM, however as we've had more developments I am now really regretting that.

DD hasn't had headlice for a very long time, we are still on top of it though & check thoroughly & comb through as every hair wash - she was lice free the day before this get together - DD & I went to visits my DF, a long & very wearing journey for both of us - on the train back, I realised that I had headlice. I had been sharing a bed with DD & on checking her on getting home, of course she has them too, thankfully I caught it early enough, but the last thing we needed after a hellish 8 hour journey home, was to then have to tackle a Hedrin session, both of us feel ill & sore from the journey & this morning, but have had to deal with a big nit combing session & I've also ended up having to cut 4 inches off DDs beautiful waist length hair, as neither of us were well enough for the longer comb through the more tangled ends would need :(.

The ONLY place we could have caught them, was this get together. but I also accept that it's no ones fault, just one of those things you deal with with young primary DCs. I knew DH would be seeing these families again yesterday evening, so text him to give them the heads up in a non accusatory way - mild mannered DH is surprising FUMING with the reaction he got - this DM owned up straight away that "oh it will be my xxxx & yyyy, they are always crawling in them - so whilst she was foisting her DCs onto my DD, she knew they both had headlice & did not think to warn my DD to tie up her waist length hair, nor did she tie up her own DCs very long hair DH tells me he expressed surprise at her attitude, to which she said, I do try, but they all get them all the time anyway don't they

Anything I say to the DM now in person now, will no doubt pin the headlice situation as the reason we don't want her dumping her L/Os on our DD & we will no doubt be seen as overly precious, as we take a different attitude & always tackle headlice properly & thoroughly & would have tied DDs hair up. DH is fuming at her slack attitude & has said he will make damned sure she never dumps her DCs on DD again. He says he watched yesterday whilst she again for the most part ignored her DCs, who he now could see were clearly crawling & itching like mad & yet she let the rest of the gathering pick them up, cuddle/be cuddled by them & pass them around, this included babies, toddlers & older DCs :( Can't say I'm too impressed either

Seriously your DH didn't think at any point to check on his daughter even though something similar happened before?? I would have more of an issue with his parenting than worrying about sending a email to the mother. Clearly your child has tried to stand up for herself, her father needs to have her back and ensure she's ok especially as this woman is so pushy.

Your poor daughter getting kicked etc at a party. Who allows this to happen!

Stuff what they think of you - I wouldn't give a monkeys and would be more than happy to say because she hadn't treated her dc's properly for head lice my daughter was not going to be used as free childcare for them - and also add it was bad enough they were dumped on her, but not to be given a warning about the headlice is in my book inexcusable