IAB a tad U but friend's choice of term to describe childbirth is getting on my tits

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She refers to vaginal birth as "X doing it themselves". As in "did she do it herself?" Always going on about how she "did it herself" when had her DD.

I had a section, she knows I was on ADs for a good year after the birth due to PND which was partly caused by massive guilt over the fact I didn't have a natural birth.

It pisses me off no end. I should really say something to her instead of moaning about it on the internet. Or, is this a normal term????? No one else I know particularly cares as long as new baby and mother are healthy! Seems like half the staff in our school are pregnant/have had babies recently so lots of opportunity for it to get on my wick.

So, AIBU to be annoyed? And what do I say? Or should I get over it?

I wouldn't go straight for the cutting retort - I would give her one more chance.

The next time she says it, I would say:

"I don't know if you realise, but I had a C-section, and suffered from PND afterwards, partly due to my negative feelings about having not given birth vaginally - and every time you use the phrase 'She did it herself', it brings back those painful feelings. In the future, could you please not use that phrase any more - perhaps call it vaginal birth instead. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but I would be grateful if you could remember this in the future".

Hopefully she will apologise for hurting you in the past, albeit unintentionally, and will not use the phrase again.

If she either doesn't think she has done anything wrong, or refuses to change her ways, then use the most cutting phrases MN can offer!

I don't think there's anything to be proud about when it comes to giving birth vaginally, really. It's no big deal. If you feel "silenced", doobledootch (and that's a very emotive word you're using) then maybe that's a sign that your need to tell people about it is a bit strong?

And I had a waterbirth with my first child, so no bitter caesarean agenda here!

doobledootch, it's as wrong to make you feel bad for your good experience as to make OP feel worse about her bad one.

That said, the narrative I object to around birth is that the one that says you can start failing at motherhood before your baby's a minute old! And for accepting painkillers, which are entirely standard for everything from headaches upward, but not the most painful thing some women will ever experience.

I had one induction and one c-section. Neither of my children would be here without them. I am profoundly grateful that modern medicine saved them and, I suppose, as a result completely dismiss the idea that any outcome other than 'mother and baby alive and OK' really matters. So I don't mean to dismiss a positive experience (my induction was great, actually) but equally, don't really get why you'd be proud of being lucky enough not to have medical complications - it's not like it's something you have much control over.

Honestly OP from what you have posted so far you are coming across as little bit self involved.

My dad spent a significant chunk of my childhood in prison and just generally being absent the father of my child called of our wedding and left the country when I was pregnant. Needless to say I find Fathers day difficult.

When my friends talk about how much they enjoyed father's day and all the things they got up to I don't take it as a slight or p a attack. I happy for them I accept that enjoying this day is a normal experience and I am the one with the issue

I'm scottish and it's quite a common term used by people who have had sections or not. I feel a bit about all the upset about this it is something I hear people say all the time and nobody gets offended by it. My friend had one emcs and one elective and she uses it.
Maybe if it wasn't so common to me if understand why it bothers people souch but I really don't.

I did use the N word. As I said, something I feel strongly about. Probably used overly emotive terms all over the place.

Doobledootch no one is saying people shouldn't speak about their experiences but in this case the friend is making a fuss of other peoples experiences not her own, how is that helpful in any way?!

Of course everyone is entitled to discuss and be proud of how their children entered the world but I don't understand why people feel they have the given right to ask which method gave birth rather than just asking how the birth was, unfortunately some of us didn't quite manage to do it "how nature intended" find it traumatic and don't fancy being quizzed on it

I am also baffled that supposedly grown up women feel the need to avoid saying breast or vagina in public

Take no notice ....I have been known to say my dd "popped out the sunroof in a lovely civilised manner"....the other extreme I guess....

Get her a little trophy with the inscription 'did it myself'

divingofthebalcony who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can't be proud of!

I don't actually go around telling people about it, mainly because people like you dismiss my experience of giving birth to my children as not valid.

All women should be proud of having their children no matter how they arrive.

What I cannot abide is those who have good experiences about anything being told to not make others feel bad. They are not the ones responsible for the negative feelings.

squtternut really? What an amazingly sheltered life you must have led to have never met a prude.

If I'd insisted on doing things nature's way for DS2, nature would have killed him before he ever took a breath.

Nature would also kill about half of our kids before their fifth birthdays. Nature can feck off, quite frankly.

I just find it a bit silly and self indulgent to regard birth as some sort of 'experience', when ALL that matters is getting the baby out safely. Birth is hard and without modern medicine, potentially very bloody dangerous!

squtternut bollocks I've read enough BFing and birth threads to know that is exactly what some people say. I'm often found I them having a rant similar to this one, . Although I do try to ignore them most of the time.

I would have assumed that "doing it yourself" means unassisted childbirth. YANBU, I've had 2 C-sections and 3 vaginal births and that would have upset me too. Why don't you make up a positive term that you feel comfortable with to describe your birth. DS5 was born by crash C-section and I tend to use the term "rescued" with him. I hate it when people comment on other people's birth choices when they weren't there and didn't know all the details.

It was an experience, in so much as I experienced it. What word would you prefer me to use to suit your sensibilities?

Haven't led a sheltered life at all, I know lots of prudes (half my family were deeply offended by my decision to "feed my daughter like a cow" aka breastfeeding") but I still think its odd to be afraid to say breast or vagina in public.

Whats bollocks BTW?

I mean in terms of my comment obviously, I know what actual bollocks are

I meant experience as in 'meaningful personal growth opportunity experience'. But I suspect you know that.

Honestly, this isn't about my sensibilities (I'm exasperated when people appear to massively miss the point - not traumatised). I don't give a flying fuck about my births - I never did anyway, and now the boys are here it's totally irrelevant. You and I are equally proud of our children, which is the only important thing, right?

Why is she even asking about their method of birth? Surely - if she cared - she would just ask if mother and baby well?

Exactly my sentiments Corabell!

She's probably too prudish to say vagina.

Meaow!!

People have funny ideas. My ex never really forgave me for needing an epidural after about 46 hours of labour. He'd say that wasn't 'doing it properly'.

Meh.

Your friend sounds like a dickwad. Drop her. She might really upset someone one day.

Let's face it- no woman gives birth doing it all themselves now do they? They need assistance and encouragement to varying degrees. It would be very dangerous for a woman to give birth completely alone, and I've never heard of it except by accident.

No they're totally shameful, which is why I focus on the birth

The bollocks was to the no one is saying people shouldn't talk about their experiences, that is exactly what people imply on these threads. It just annoys me that anything good about childbirth couldn't possibly be due to the role the women played in it, good experiences can only ever come down to luck apparently. Of course I was fortunate that nothing went wrong with my baby, but plenty went wrong in the hospital experience and my actions had an impact on getting things back on track (for want of a better phrase), so whilst I was fortunate, that 1001 things that could have gone wrong didn't, I wasn't a passive bystander in the process if that makes sense.

That's a normal way to ask about a birth here in Glasgow. It's not offensive at all!

YANBU but tbh I would probably just laugh at her if she said it to me- both mine were dragged out with forceps after protracted 1st and second stage labours and trying every kind of pain relief from hippy breathing and lavender pads to panic epidurals (suspected funny shaped pelvis and both of the little buggers angels were back to back)- so no I didn't 'do it myself', but actually I wouldn't see it as anything to be especially proud of if I'd had 5 hour labours and no need for intervention, just more lucky. If she feels the need to be proud of having done something that is mainly based on biological chance, then I'd let her get on with it as she must be a bit insecure.

Is she English? I am not and where I come from, it is considered a perfectly normal and quite common way to describe vaginal birth as "doing it yourself". This expression is even used by medical professionals. Same applies to "feeding the baby yourself" with regards to breastfeeding.

So could be just a cultural thing, without meaning to upset anyone's feelings.