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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my kids' father for financial help?

45 replies

downsizingsucks · 23/10/2014 15:07

I've been divorced for some time, and was in a second relationship for four years. We both kept separate homes because under the terms of my divorce agreement I would lose some of my income. Basically ex was paying some of the bills and mortgage, with house to be sold when kids are 18.

When I had a new partner move in a year ago, my ex agreed to leave selling the house until the kids have finished university, providing we paid the mortgage and bills.

Now my new partner has fucked off with the tenant he let his own property to, leaving me high and dry. He's gone back to his own house to live with her.

I do work full-time but am on a low income and can't manage. My ex husband says this is my problem and I can't just keep going back every time a new relationship crumbles. He says if I can't pay the bills then the house has to be sold. He pays our sons a (minimal) direct allowance.

My twins are 20 soon and both study at the local uni. I have no choice but to sell up unless he helps me, I simply can keep the house going on my own.

I know I sound like a money grabbing cow, but I am just trying to keep my roof until the boys are old enough to support themselves.

OP posts:
KnackeredMuchly · 23/10/2014 15:13

I kind of agree with him. Your kids are old enough to live independently and whatever you buy after they leave FTE you will still (probably) need to have room for them.

attheendoftheday · 23/10/2014 15:14

Unfortunately your ex isn't obliged to help. I know it must be upsetting to leave your home, but you always would have had to do this. If your dc live with you, could they contribute something? If not, it's probably a good time to move on to a home that is yours alone and you can pay for on your own.

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 15:15

Sorry OP but at 20, your kids are old enough to support themselves.

attheendoftheday · 23/10/2014 15:16

You don't sound like a money grabbing cow at all.

But your son's are plenty old enough to support themselves at 20. Plenty of students do.

attheendoftheday · 23/10/2014 15:16

Apostrophe fail! Oh the shame Blush

minipie · 23/10/2014 15:20

Can your sons use their student loans to pay you rent and help you stay in the house?

googoodolly · 23/10/2014 15:22

Do your twins work? Could they not get part-time jobs and pay you some rent to help towards the bills and mortgage?

I agree with your ex that you can't come running back to him everytime a relationship fails. Either stay and get help from your children wrt rent, or move somewhere smaller like other people who get a drop in income have to do. It's unfortunate, but you always knew it would happen under the terms of your divorce.

PotsAndCambert · 23/10/2014 15:25

So your agreement is that you would keep the house until your dcs have left Uni? I assume that will come in a year or so?
Unfortunately I think your time on that house is coming to an end. Just a bit sooner than you anticipated.
It doesn't mean that your dcs won't have a roof over their head. It means that you won't be able to give them a big house as a roof over their head. And I'm pretty sure that their dad would help too.

Tbh I think your exH has been lovely and helpful for a lot if years. He has paid for a house he didn't have to pay for. And for longer he was supposed to.

micah · 23/10/2014 15:26

Yep, he has no obligation to support you.

In fact, he's done way more than he should have already. If spousal maintenance is granted, it's usually only until you get a new partner. You deliberately lived separately so you could keep your ex's money.

He's right, you can't go running to him every time a new bloke falls through.

PotsAndCambert · 23/10/2014 15:27

minipie they would be a crisp idea. Why on earth would her dcs burden themselves with a loan for a housebroken don't really live in??
They have their life out in front if them. As a parent, I would much prefer to live in a smaller house than to ask my dcs, who haven't started to work yet, to pay for my rent, or yo take a Liam for me!

PotsAndCambert · 23/10/2014 15:27

Sorry it should read 'to take a loan for me' ...,

PotsAndCambert · 23/10/2014 15:29

Read my post again and gives up. Awful auto correct all the way.
Arrrrg

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 15:29

I agre with him. If your boys can help, they should, but their father has gone over and above. Time for you to stand on yipour own two feet.

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 15:31

I am assuming the young men still live with her in the house. In that case, they need to pay rent and bills just as they would if living in a flat share or student accommodation.

QueenofallIsee · 23/10/2014 15:32

Sorry OP, you are being a bit unreasonable. You ex husband sounds more than fair to me, your sons are 20 and your husband gives them an allowance. He paid the mortgage for a number of years while your children were dependent and now you have to stand on your own 2 feet rather than assuming that the men in your life will assist you (ex husband, then new boyfriend) You can't afford the house which I really sympathise with but you have had access to for 2 years over and above your divorce agreement - presumably your ex husband has capital wrapped up in the house so has been quite nice about that really.

Could you consider a lodger or something? If you have a local uni, you could let a room to a student?

iPaddy · 23/10/2014 15:34

Yep, sorry for your situation but I agree with everyone else. You need to stand on your own two feet.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/10/2014 15:35

We both kept separate homes because under the terms of my divorce agreement I would lose some of my income

So you made sure you strung out your ex's financial help for as long as possible? You need a reality check, you're way overdue supporting yourself and your "children" are no longer children.

magpiegin · 23/10/2014 15:35

I'm sorry but I agree with the others. It sounds like your ex has gone over and above. Your twins should either move out and pay for a flat share so that you can sell your house and move somewhere smaller or they should contribute towards your household.

OneSkinnyChip · 23/10/2014 15:36

If your boys are living at home with you still then YANBU to ask him to continue to help while they are at university BUT I think it should be made clear that you are asking this without any right to expect it. He is already paying money to your sons. Unfortunately as they are adults he realistically won't support them for much longer.

It's probably time for you to start looking for a smaller home that you can afford to pay for by yourself. That way you won't be dependent on any partner, past or future.

mynewpassion · 23/10/2014 15:37

Sorry but I am with your ex on this. Sell the house and get a smaller place for you and an extra room whenever the twins come around. You are being a bit cheeky to ask him to pay for your mortgage and bills. He has no more obligations to you.

Its also great that your ex is helping out his sons with some direct income. It allows them some independence but not be totally dependent on him so they likely will need to get a part-time job if they want extras.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/10/2014 15:38

Just to say you sound perfectly reasonable to me.
You and your Ex have both shown that you put your boys needs first in your thoughts which is just as it should be, and sadly not seen often enough when parents separate

gobbynorthernbird · 23/10/2014 15:53

leaving me high and dry

You've left yourself high and dry.

minipie · 23/10/2014 15:54

Pots it's up to the boys. If they prefer to stay at home, they can pay rent. If they would rather move out and pay rent to a landlord, fine but in that case the house will be sold.

What they're not entitled to is to stay at home rent free while their mum struggles to pay the bills.

waithorse · 23/10/2014 16:46

I agree with everyone else to be honest.

SeasonsEatings · 23/10/2014 16:59

before your ex of four years moved in how where you supporting yourself?

Can you get a lodger to help pay the bills?

What are you planning on doing for a home and income once your Twins leave University?

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