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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my kids' father for financial help?

45 replies

downsizingsucks · 23/10/2014 15:07

I've been divorced for some time, and was in a second relationship for four years. We both kept separate homes because under the terms of my divorce agreement I would lose some of my income. Basically ex was paying some of the bills and mortgage, with house to be sold when kids are 18.

When I had a new partner move in a year ago, my ex agreed to leave selling the house until the kids have finished university, providing we paid the mortgage and bills.

Now my new partner has fucked off with the tenant he let his own property to, leaving me high and dry. He's gone back to his own house to live with her.

I do work full-time but am on a low income and can't manage. My ex husband says this is my problem and I can't just keep going back every time a new relationship crumbles. He says if I can't pay the bills then the house has to be sold. He pays our sons a (minimal) direct allowance.

My twins are 20 soon and both study at the local uni. I have no choice but to sell up unless he helps me, I simply can keep the house going on my own.

I know I sound like a money grabbing cow, but I am just trying to keep my roof until the boys are old enough to support themselves.

OP posts:

whois · 23/10/2014 17:01

What they're not entitled to is to stay at home rent free while their mum struggles to pay the bills

If they live at home the can help. If they live out, then you don't really need the house and you can get a cheaper 2 bed.

Leaving the house totally sucks, but I guess you must have known it was coming to an end?

WooWooOwl · 23/10/2014 17:04

If your ex wants to help support his grown up children, then he can help them directly, he doesn't need to do it through you. Your sons need a roof over their heads, but at 20, it doesn't have to be in their childhood home with their mother.

You are going to have to stand on your own two feet sooner or later, it may as well be sooner. You will probably find yourself much better off once the house is sold.

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/10/2014 17:12

I have no choice but to sell up unless he helps me, I simply can keep the house going on my own

I am afraid its time to move on. he is no longer responsible for you

Hopefully you can try and take actions to impriove the work situation, and get financially independant?

sorry about the ex though (tenant shagger)

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/10/2014 17:16

If they are in their final year at Uni I can see it would be nice for them to be able to stay at home through their finals and into sometime next summer when they might be making plans to move on/out anyway, depending on what they want to do next?
Talk to your Ex about the timing of things, he sounds like his heart is in the right place, as do you of course.
Perhaps there may be positives to finding your own place when the time is right, or even when necessity dictates x

Summerisle1 · 23/10/2014 17:18

To be honest, this day was always coming. It happens to have arrived about a year before you expected but at 20, your sons are perfectly capable of studying and working so that they can contribute to the cost of the house.

In fairness to your ex-husband, I can see his point. In your particular circumstances, with adult sons, he can't be expected to bale you out every time a relationship fails. Apart from anything else, who wants to be so dependent on an ex? I'm sorry but I reckon it is time for some self-sufficiency here in a house that you can afford and which will mean you can completely cut financial ties with your ex.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/10/2014 17:24

Can I ask how your exH would have any idea that you were being truthful? Given that you were deceptive about your previous relationship, if I were him I'd worry that you were staging a break-up.

elvenbread · 23/10/2014 17:38

Gosh. How can you expect him to keep paying your house for so many years? Honestly. I'm amazed he's done it for so long. Do you work? Get a smaller house. Your boys are old enough to deal with it like men.

WipsGlitter · 23/10/2014 17:49

I though you were going to say they were 2 not 20!

I'm sure it's very hard to think about leaving your home but try to see it as a chance to have a fresh start.

AlbaGuBrath · 23/10/2014 17:59

Sorry but I agree with the majority of posters too.

ilovechristmas1 · 23/10/2014 18:39

i also though the children were going to be under 16

except you have had a good run,and stop using your ex husband through your DC's to fund what you want

he seems a decent man and is not going to see his children go without,stop using them for your own means

micah · 23/10/2014 18:48

Does he get a share of the house if/when you sell up, or has he been contributing to the bills and mortgage all these years just to support you?

Chunderella · 23/10/2014 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 23/10/2014 19:02

I do have some sympathy. But really in the eyes of your ex you moved on and found another partner. So I don't think your ex really should feel obligated to carry on supporting you. And then what happens in five or ten years you won't probably feel any more like moving so it might be better to consider the possiblity now rather than keep postponing it if it's something that's going to have to happene eventually.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2014 19:05

gobbynorthernbird , what do you mean she was deceptive about her previous relationship? She said the XP didn't move in for three years; she didn't say she lied about it. And when he did move in the ex-H knew all about it and came to a reasonable agreement.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/10/2014 19:10

We both kept separate homes because under the terms of my divorce agreement I would lose some of my income
If the only reason you don't move in with a partner is so that you can continue to be funded by someone else, whether it's an exH or benefits, that is deceptive to my mind. Also, it read to me that it wasn't that partner who moved in.

avocadotoast · 23/10/2014 19:11

I don't want to sound harsh, but your sons are old enough to support themselves. They'll be entitled to student finance for their living costs, surely? They're lucky they're getting some support from their dad. A lot of students don't get anything from their parents.

If your sons live with you, start asking for board. If they don't, then you might have to agree for the house to be sold (which you seemed to have agreed to before anyway).

Rebecca2014 · 23/10/2014 19:21

You knew this day was coming. You should never depend on a man financially, if you have a low paid job why didn't you go back into education to get a higher paid job so you can support yourself?

Topseyt · 23/10/2014 19:31

I don't normally find myself agreeing with the ex when I read these threads, but I am here.

Your sons are 20. Old enough to know that they need to at least try to support themselves as much as they can. They are no longer "kids" even though we as parents often think of our adult offspring as our kids / children long after we should. I am 48, and I think my parents still do it. . My eldest daughter will be 20 next birthday and I can hardly believe it.

Is there sufficient equity in your house for you to be able to downsize and buy yourself something smaller and more affordable (perhaps even without needing a mortgage)? It would make some sense to look into that option, especially as you say you are on a low income (make sure you are getting any income support benefits you might be entitled to as well).

mynewpassion · 23/10/2014 19:35

You were lucky to buy 2 extra years. He could have forced a sale when the boys turned 18 or finished school.

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/10/2014 19:43

If you truly don't want to sell then you could take on a second job or get a lodger.

Your ex was very reasonable and expecting him to start paying his ex wife as her boyfriend has left is beyond cheeky. If you can't manage without a man helping financially then you will have to move and find something you can afford like thousands have to do.

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