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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know i ABTU about wedding presents

104 replies

Elisebanana5 · 23/10/2014 14:44

...but be honest, were any of you a liiittle bit disappointed with yours?

For friends' weddings we always give 100 and a nice card. I will always suppliment this with a nice box of chocolates/wine or something.

Got married a month ago and several friends didnt even bother to bring a card.

OP posts:
SurfsUp1 · 24/10/2014 02:55

Personally I hate cash as a gift (other than maybe grandparents to grandchildren) so I would never give it and would be a bit Hmm if I received it. Just a personal preference - I guess I'm old fashioned.

If I was short of cash I'd just go to a St Vinnies or similar and get a nice crystal vase or something for $5 rather than just giving a card.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/10/2014 03:01

YANBU OP. To turn up at a wedding without so much as a card is extremely rude.

However you will be told you are BU here. Because the rule is, unless you organize your wedding next door to and provide childcare and care for the elderly parents of your guests, while specifying "No Presents" (but through the medium of poetry) and include all these details on the invitations, MNetters will not be happy.

Your wedding should be ALL ABOUT THEM dontcha know?

Oriunda · 24/10/2014 06:29

Ireland sounds like Italy (my area at least). Wedding lists are an exact science. Guests calculate the rough cost of the meal (drinks are always included, no such thing as pay bar), and times by the number of people invited. Add more if your hotel room was paid for. A single person might give 150 euros; a couple 300. A family with young children 500 and so on. Gift lists are managed by the shop, who present the couple with a list of who spent what.

After the wedding, the MILs will pore over the list to see what family members gave how much. Those that spent less than MIL spent on their family's wedding are duly noted. When a different family member marries, we are expected to consult this list (I still have ours, 10 years on) and spend the same amount. We got totally stuffed because one crazy Aunt spent 1000 euros on our list (by buying half the list) and so we were honour bound to spend the same when her son married. If we don't remember, my MIL will remind us.

Mad system, but everyone understands the rules and it works.

Leela5 · 24/10/2014 07:22

I would expect a card it not a present. I was very upset our best man and his girlfriend brought nothing at all. I don't have a lot of money so totally understand it if people can't afford a present. But a card is polite. Especially as I'd never met his dp before and she got totally wasted at the reception and my new dh had to leave our wedding to help the others carry her off to put her to bed.

Presents no, card yes

KoalaDownUnder · 24/10/2014 08:14

*A single person might give 150 euros; a couple 300. A family with young children 500 and so on...

Mad system, but everyone understands the rules and it works.*

Great that it works for them, but I'm glad we don't have such a system! Shock That's awful, IMHO. As a single person who has never been married and never plans to, this would have meant I couldn't afford to go to a lot of weddings. (I bet it doesn't 'work' for a lot of the single people at all, and they secretly hate it...)

WerkSupp · 24/10/2014 08:21

I'll bet in Italy, too, there is none of this two-tiered wedding nonsense, with a silly 'breakfast' for some and 'evening do' for others, no kids rules, dress codes, etc.
Trend here is people want money like there, but still keep to two-tiered system.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/10/2014 09:55

"Weddings are expensive to attend!"

I'm sorry but usually no they're not unless they are far enough away to warrant a hotel stay/day off work which the majority of them aren't.

Being a wedding guest is usually as expensive as you choose to make it. There's no requirement for you to buy 4 vodka and cokes or a new dress or get drunk so you can't drive home. You're getting a free meal and usually free booze, plus a nice day out spent with people you care about. I have absolutely no sympathy with people who moan about the "cost" of attending other people's weddings when they insist they "must" have a new outfit and "must" drink so much. Guests who prioritise drinking and a new outfit and getting pissed over the etiquette of giving a gift to someone who's spent a lot of money on your place at the wedding fucking piss me off.

(I appreciate there are some exceptions to the above).

Peppasavedmylife · 24/10/2014 10:30

OP, I agree, I think it is polite to give something, even just a card. What I found shocking at my own wedding was that the 2 people who I know are loaded (big jobs, big houses, several exotic holidays a year) gave nothing. One even turned up in new Jimmy Choos bought that morning, as she told everyone. That was 9 years ago...and we had given them a very generous gift for their own weddings. On the other hand, some friends and family who we know don't have cash to splash were very generous. So swings and roundabouts...

Troublesometrucker · 24/10/2014 10:31

Would seriously be a lot simpler if some people just decided to charge an admission fee to their weddings!

I think id much rather decline an invite than risk all these varying attitudes to gifts!

Anyhow

19lottie82 · 24/10/2014 10:39

Tinkerball - You said the reason you were skint and couldn't afford a present was because you'd just got back from holiday. Surely you budgeted spending money for your holiday, would it really have been so hard to skim a fiver off this to pick up a present? As someone else said, they picked up a lovely set of champagne flutes in a charity shop for £4.99.

If you have received a last minute invite after you got back from your holiday, and couldn't plan in advance, then that's understandable.

But to say you couldn't afford a present for your friends who had paid for your meals and wine because you had just spent all your money on your holiday, well, in my opinion, that's a pretty poor show.....

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/10/2014 10:39

Gift giving is completely different to an admission fee as the guest is free to spend/make what they want.

FluffyMcnuffy · 24/10/2014 10:41

I agree with lottie.

Tinkerball that's bad form IMO. Of course your friend was gracious about it, she's hardly going to have a go at you is she?!

Thumbscrewswitch · 24/10/2014 10:43

A card isn't that hard to achieve, really, is it. Presents aren't at all obligatory, although I wouldn't dream of turning up without one; but a card is the thing that gets packed away and looked at in 10, 20, 40 years time so people remember their guests and so on (In my family, anyway).

19lottie82 · 24/10/2014 10:47

when I got married recently, the only person who attended the whole day / evening and didn't give anything, was my husbands 22 year old nephew. he's a nice enough lad, but I seriously thought that was a bit poor of him. not because we are grabby, but because my DH always gives him a bung on his birthday and buys him a t shirt from jack will / Hollister for his xmas. my husband is a mechanic and always fixes his and his GF's cars for free. we wouldn't expect anything from him for Christmas / birthdays, but my DH has two girls 10/14, and his DN has never even bought them a birthday present. We never really thought much of it until the lack of even a card or £10.99 aldi champagne on our wedding day.

Needless to say he won't be getting any more Christmas presents or free car services from us.

TheRealMaryMillington · 24/10/2014 10:50

YABVVU!

Wedding presents used to be the thing when the young couple were setting up home for the first time and needed spoons and pillowcases and towels. These days most couples have all this, have lived together for years or separately alone. No-one really needs more household linen. No-one really needs your cash. (or if they do they should consider spending less on their wedding). Certainly, no-one needs more random stuff.

We insisted we didn't want or need presents or money from guests, just wanted to them to witness and celebrate with us. A couple of very close friends and family gave gifts (booze, NT membership, a lovely big cooking pot) that they knew we would really enjoy. I'd have HATED to open envelopes of cash or vouchers or have a load of STUFF to deal with. I did love getting all the cards and messages with love and warm wishes.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 24/10/2014 10:51

YANBU. It's good grace to at least to turn up with card, even if you don't bring a present.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 24/10/2014 10:52

*a

19lottie82 · 24/10/2014 10:52

I'd have HATED to open envelopes of cash or vouchers or have a load of STUFF to deal with

I'm sorry, but............... I don't believe you for one second!

TheRealMaryMillington · 24/10/2014 11:10

It's absolutely true.

I would have hated people to fork out money (especially if they couldn't afford it) because we were getting married (after 2 kids and 5 years living together). Or think they had to buy us things. That's why we asked people not to give us any.

People did lovely things for us. One friend DJ'ed, one friend is a photographer, another friend gathered up pictures others had taken and made a little digital album, one made invitations, one mixed cocktails, one made the most amazing cake.

Caboodle · 24/10/2014 16:27

My lovely friend once got a set of 3 dishcloths as a wedding present....made us both Grin
Regarding the card...you have reminded me that I went to a wedding recently, took card, forgot to give to bride, brought card home....still have it.... Blush

SurfsUp1 · 24/10/2014 23:53

19lottie82 It would have made me feel uncomfortable. In a lot of circles it would be seen as very crass to give cash.

SurfsUp1 · 24/10/2014 23:54

…although "stuff" was great! I mentioned to my husband the other day that we should maybe get married again as we really need new towels. Wink

Oriunda · 25/10/2014 07:58

Werk, you're right. No such thing as evening invites. Unthinkable not to have kids (they usually get own table and an entertainer is hired for them). Free bar all night. Meal goes on for hours (you won't need to eat the next day). No dress code (but they dress very, very smart).

Carrierpenguin · 25/10/2014 08:09

Weddings are out of control for many people imo. I thought it was meant to be an occasion for the purpose of bride and groom making a public and legal commitment to each other? Not some ridiculous contest over who can have the flashiest / most expensive etc. Same with gifts.

Just get married in your local church/registry office and have some drinks or a meal in a local hall/restaurant/pub afterwards. Then you won't care how much your guests spent on you.

Alconleigh · 25/10/2014 08:28

Weddings do cost a lot to attend if they are always away from where you live. I am not sure how I am supposed to cut down on costs when I live in London and have been to weddings in St Andrews / the Cotswolds, Shropshire Borders, Wiltshire, you name it.........that's the reality of attending weddings of people you met at university; they come from all over the UK, therefore their weddings are located all over the UK as well. To say that isn't the case for most weddings may reflect your experience but not others.