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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know i ABTU about wedding presents

104 replies

Elisebanana5 · 23/10/2014 14:44

...but be honest, were any of you a liiittle bit disappointed with yours?

For friends' weddings we always give 100 and a nice card. I will always suppliment this with a nice box of chocolates/wine or something.

Got married a month ago and several friends didnt even bother to bring a card.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 23/10/2014 15:35

Troublesometrucker - OK, I understand what you mean about what a fortune is to some people. But did you really "need" new outfits? A lot of the time when people are going to a wedding they say they "have" to get a new dress / shoes / hair do, but they don't they have a perfectly fine dress at the back of their wardrobe.

Could you not have negotiated a lift with someone from church to the venue....... everyone was heading in the same direction after all. This can usually be arranged by way of a few texts prior to the big day. (although I appreciate this isn't always possible)

HesterShaw · 23/10/2014 15:46

I never get new clothes for weddings. Well only when it was my DS's wedding. Maybe some people look at that as stingy, I don't know.

19lottie82 · 23/10/2014 15:54

HesterShaw - Sometimes if I'm feeling flush I will treat myself to a new dress if I'm going to a wedding , but it's definitely not a necessity, and I wouldn't put it before buying the B&G a present.

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 15:56

Did you put one of those wanky requests in the invitation about presence being more important than presents but give us cash?

YABU.

19lottie82 · 23/10/2014 15:57

WerkSupp - Those are the WORST! Cringeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Jayne35 · 23/10/2014 15:58

I don't like to think I am in anyway grabby and certainly didn't expect large expensive wedding gifts but I was a bit Hmm about one of mine (mug set) as it had a £0.99 charity shop tag on it still, I wouldn't have minded but it had a metal stand which was a little rusty.

WyrdByrd · 23/10/2014 16:04

I don't think YABU to expect a least a card, and tbh I'm surprised that some people turn up at weddings without even a small gift, although appreciate it depends on the circs (I didn't get a gift for my best friend but I designed, hand made & paid for all the materials for her invitations, menu & table plan).

Equally though, I think it's pretty off to have expectations of what people 'should' give. I'd have been mortified if any of our friends had given us £100, and one of our most used gifts, even 11 years later has been an 'off list' fake fur blanket from Stratford Market which a pair of elderly & eccentric former colleagues of DH gave us.

LemonadeRayGun · 23/10/2014 16:09

It makes me sad to think people might only have invited me to their wedding to get a present. It often costs me a lot of money to go to weddings, if they are far away, staying over etc. To think I could go to all that effort and their be judged for not giving them £100 and some chocolates makes me feel :(

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 16:10

No lottie, I didn't "Have" to, I could have worn the same black dress that I wore to a funeral (that the B&G also attended with us) the fortnight previously. Call me strange, but I just didn't feel that was appropriate...anyhoo

gogomummy · 23/10/2014 16:12

I was quietly cross that many of our guests did not give us anything, we specified no gifts but a donation to our fundraising page (for a v. good charity). Lots of people didn't donate or just gave 20 quid - they were the people who have had big expensive weddings with JL wedding lists cheapest item 100 quid. We only raised about half what I hoped for the charity so I doubled it. Honestly, what problem do they have giving to charity? Our less well-off friends gave the most.

19lottie82 · 23/10/2014 16:13

LRGun - That's not the case here....... I think the point is that as the B&G are paying for your meal and wine, then it's good manners to turn up with something, no one said it had to be £100. As I suggested, if you take the time to think , something homemade or under £5, with a bit of thought in to it would be lovely.

VinoTime · 23/10/2014 16:13

I think most would agree that it's pretty bad form to not even buy a card to congratulate the couple. It's like any occassion, surely? You say 'congrats' by whatever means you are able to afford. If you can only stretch to a card, then so be it. But it seems ever so rude to show up with nothing at all.

My very well off BF got married in June and when I checked her JL wedding list, there was nothing under £50. I'm a bit of a pauper so there's no way I could ever have stretched to that. I had to save for an entire year to afford the new outfits and travel expenses involved in just attending. Gift wise I bought a nice card, recycled a fancy bottle of prosecco that somebody had bought me when I moved house, and found a beautiful set of Mackintosh champagne flutes in my local Oxfam for £4.99. She was absolutely tickled with them.

OP, YANBU to expect a card.

WooWooOwl · 23/10/2014 16:16

It is rude to turn up at a wedding and accept someone's hospitality all day without so much as a card.

But it's also completely unnecessary for you to give £100 plus extra to friends, and when you've done that you've done it though your own free choice, so it's not really relevant here.

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 16:17

So, was there or was there not a wanky request along the lines of your presence is our present but give us money?

Original poster
Elisebanana5 · 23/10/2014 16:32

WerkSupp - no! No gift list, no request for cash, no poems, no reference to gifts or what we would like at all.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

OP posts:
Deemail · 23/10/2014 16:40

Here in Ireland the average wedding gift given by a couple is usually around €150, often more sometimes less, a lot more is given to close family or friends, it's shocking really.
It's also seen asacceptabke to give a gift up to a year after but usually it's given at that time.
I would never ever go to a wedding and not give a card and gift, even if it was a while after. If I didn't have much money I would still get something, this is a significant occasion and I see giving a gift a way of wishing the couple well and recriprocating their kind gesture of treating me to a lovely day out at their expense.

IamOldGregg · 23/10/2014 16:52

Yes Deemail! My bro goes to a lot of weddings in the ROI with his Irish GF and he always takes €150 in cash for the Bride and Groom PLUS about €150 for drinks which always gets spent. He says that's the accepted and expected way!

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 16:54

People must make heaps of money to be able to afford to blow 300€ like that.

HesterShaw · 23/10/2014 16:56

To think I could go to all that effort and their be judged for not giving them £100 and some chocolates makes me feel sad

I really really don't think anyone is saying that.

melika · 23/10/2014 16:58

It is unacceptable not to bring either a card or gift, some did this to me at my wedding and I made sure I got revenge at the next event they held. No present or card from me. It is just plain rude and selfish.

PrincessOfChina · 23/10/2014 16:59

There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for turning up to a wedding without a card. Or if it's genuinely forgotten on the day, for not sending it onwards after the day. It's just rude.

We had a few people (two who were part of the wedding party) who didn't send a card and it still bugs me as when I look at the cards I know their wishes are missing and wonder why.

Scholes34 · 23/10/2014 17:07

I'm sitting here in my living room and looking around I can see half a dozen things dotted around the place that were wedding presents. I can remember exactly who bought them, over 20 years later. I've no concept of how much any of them cost, but I know they were a personal choice and given with love and thoughtfulness. I can't remember now who didn't bring a card. There's too much going on and too many other cards and presents to open that to be honest unless you're particularly ticking people off a list with a view to seeing exactly who did and who didn't bring presents or cards, you wouldn't really notice.

Just enjoy the kindness and generosity of the people who did give gifts, rather than get cross at those who, for whatever reason, didn't.

MarchEliza · 23/10/2014 17:09

I can't imagine why anyone would think it acceptable to attend a wedding without bringing a card.

Presents are not essential and should be within the budget of the giver.

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 17:10

hester you stated clearly you thought it stingy if you don't take a wedding present to a wedding and this is what I did - so to me that's saying I'm stingy because of what you believe. How is that making the thread about me?

KoalaDownUnder · 23/10/2014 17:10

To not even give a card is pretty rude, yes. I don't blame you for being hurt.