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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know i ABTU about wedding presents

104 replies

Elisebanana5 · 23/10/2014 14:44

...but be honest, were any of you a liiittle bit disappointed with yours?

For friends' weddings we always give 100 and a nice card. I will always suppliment this with a nice box of chocolates/wine or something.

Got married a month ago and several friends didnt even bother to bring a card.

OP posts:
Deemail · 23/10/2014 17:13

Werksupp, most don't as far as I can figure out, it seems to be the done thing especially since the Celtic tiger it was even crazier then. I think irish people are very generous but also like to live up to "expectations" and are often guilty of doing without in order to be kind and keep up, it's not sensible.

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 17:13

lottie where was I meant to get a fiver from since it was rude not to go without a present? As it is I have offered my services to bake and decorate a cake for the next time she needs a special cake, she insisted I didn't need to and of course I dont, I don't feel bad going without a present (she had no gift list either) I just want to do it.

HesterShaw · 23/10/2014 17:14

Actually now you point it out and seeing as you're determined to press the point, I DO think it a little stingy to rock up at a wedding with nothing at all given that you had just been on holiday.

Sorry, but you did insist on knowing.

HesterShaw · 23/10/2014 17:14

Ah now you say you offered a cake.

Not stingy then. You didn't say that before.

Corabell · 23/10/2014 17:19

OP YANBU with regards people not even bothering to give you a card. This lacks basic manners and is a personal way to write some special words to you.

YABU if you are upset that gifts didn't reach certain values or were not to your taste. It is the thought that counts.

I find the "grabby" comments quite bizarre. Unless you have spend literally nothing on your wedding it's pretty difficult to make a profit from your guests.

I received everything from overly generous gifts, cash, beautiful homemade items or a thoughtful card with a lovely message I valued every single thing. However, the few guests that came and didn't even give us a card still rile me ( I'm looking at you, usher)

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 17:21

I didn't insist on knowing, just curious. Thankfully my friend didn't think like you eh!

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 17:25

I've offered to make her a cake because I just feel it would be a nice thing to do, she now has two twin step sons so thought I could make a personalised cake for them, never thought to mention it initially because it wasn't taken to the wedding if you see what I mean.

HesterShaw · 23/10/2014 17:25

I'm uncertain why you keep addressing comments to me Tinkerball Confused I posted in passing after reading the OP and the first couple of comments on a fast moving thread (like people often do on forums), and yet you keep maintaining I was calling you stingy. As I said, this thread was not about you, but about the OP and her guests and asking for opinions, which I gave. You took my opinion personally when it wasn't specifically directed at you.

Anyway, life's too short...

knittingdad · 23/10/2014 17:27

Mutual gift-giving is an ancient human custom that builds bonds between people. I really like giving and receiving gifts, but I can't help but feel that it's become a lot more complicated these days when a gift of a pretty shell just doesn't go down so well as it did 20-odd thousand years ago.

As we can see on this thread, lots of people have different expectations about gift-giving at weddings. That's where all the potential for embarrassment or disappointment lies.

Part of gift-giving is (or at least it was 20,000 years ago) establishing how important other people are to you, so that they can know that they can rely on you if they need help. Obviously if you are friends with someone you hope that this friendship is mutual, and that you are important to them and can rely on them in return.

When their gifts to you on your wedding day do not meet your cultural expectations it is natural for you to worry that this implies that you are not as important to them as you thought, and consequently to feel disappointed.

Feel reassured that this may be simply because they have become a bit cynical about the giving of gifts in our very commercialised modern world, rather than it being a personal statement about the value they place on your friendship.

When I was preparing for my own wedding recently I became quite anxious about whether we should have a gift list, whether it would be more rude to give guidance on appropriate gifts, or to give no guidance and leave people having to guess. This was complicated by the fact that the wedding gift culture is quite different among my wife's Irish[-American] family and friends than among my English family and friends.

So I wouldn't say that you are being unreasonable to feel disappointment, but I do think you would be unreasonable if you allowed this to affect how you feel and behave around these friends.

SweetsForMySweet · 23/10/2014 17:38

Could they have handed in the cards at the main desk/to the Manager of the establishment for safe keeping to be passed on to you afterwards? YADNBU there is either a breakdown in communication or your "friends" are cheapskates

Szeli · 23/10/2014 18:28

you have plenty of notice of a wedding - often a year. to not factor in getting even a token gift in your attending costs is imo a bit rude.

forgo one drink for the sake of a photo frame, or mr and mrs mugs, or the couple's fave sweets, or the tools to make something. being skint is really no excuse

oldgrandmama · 23/10/2014 18:40

Oh, grrrrr! Young couple I know were getting married. I like them a lot, but not expected, nor wanted, to be invited to wedding (they're neighbours) but just wanted to give them something so gave them a gift voucher for a decent amount at a posh store.

A thank you? Nope! Not a bloody word.

Bogeyface · 23/10/2014 18:47

YANBU I dont think

When H and I got married his best man spent nothing to attend, we paid for everything. When Best man got married H spent a fortune in flights and hotel costs to attend, paid for his new suit and gave them a very expensive gift.

He didnt even give us a card. We were both hurt tbh given the effott and expense H went to to attend best mans wedding yet he didnt even bother to get us a card.

fuzzpig · 23/10/2014 18:58

YABVVVU. You don't measure love in pennies.

I admit to skim reading the thread, and as a result I read the above as "you don't measure love in penises"

Blush
Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 19:03

Why should I address a comment to you - you were the one that said going to a wedding without a present was stingy..and Ive gone to a wedding without a present! Am I only allowed to reply to OP Confused

At no point have I maintained you called me stingy either - you obviously havent read it properly...I asked if you thought me stingy then for not taking a present as that is what you feel - how is that calling me stingy?

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 19:03

shouldnt obviously!

vienna1981 · 23/10/2014 19:32

A couple of years ago an ex-colleague of mine got married. Several of my current colleagues were invited and attended. I wasn't invited but as I can't stand weddings I didn't mind. However I did send the happy couple a wedding card and Debenhams gift card. To begin with they didn't know it was from me as they couldn't read my handwriting. Not that it mattered.

BTW I'm not trying to make a point here. Just adding colour to the collage, as it were.

Gaia81 · 23/10/2014 19:43

I've never taken a card to a wedding, I don't do cards for any occasion so not sure why weddings would be any different.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 23/10/2014 19:46

Aren't you grabby !

Deemail · 23/10/2014 19:54

Tinkerball seeing as you genuinely seem to be wondering, I'll give you my opinion for what it's worth. I don't think you were rude but you could've been more thoughtful, if you were able to go on holidays surely you could afford to spend £5/£10 on a thoughtful token gift, it doesn't make sense to me that you could afford to go away but not even have a small sum as emergency back up or even that you wouldn't like to get your friend a gift to mark her occasion. Your friend probably doesn't think you were rude but if you had marked the occasion she would probably have been very touched and valued the gesture.
Not having a go, you seem to want opinions and this is mine.

OpalQuartz · 23/10/2014 22:35

I went to a friends wedding the day after we came back from holiday and couldn't afford any present, never mind £100. I took a card. I later messaged her and she was lovely, saying she would rather have had our presence than presents, it had been her perfect day!

I bet after she got off the phone she said "What a bleedin' liberty!" Grin

Only joking. Seriously, a card is ok. I think the OP was talking about people who didn't even bring a card.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 23/10/2014 22:41

Jeez Tinkerball, defensive much?

I think not getting a card is rude.

FluffyMcnuffy · 23/10/2014 23:38

IMO it is fucking rude to rock up to a wedding with no present/card.

I don't care about the value of the present, it's the thought that counts.

Whippet81 · 24/10/2014 02:36

No I'm with you OP.

I am in my 30's and have spent the last ten years of my life attending weddings and buying people presents/giving money etc I have never turned up empty handed for an invite of any kind. I get pissed off of this BS of 'not everyone can afford it' you well know most of your friends can afford ten/twenty quid I'm sure and can tell they are just being tight/couldn't be arsed. Like you say if people go on holiday they can basically afford a nice card and a tenner present I would have thought. DP said to me 'we re saying no presents when we get married'. Informed him he's very much bloody mistaken after the thousands of pounds I have spent on other peoples weddings over the years.

I would never expect anyone to she'll out on expensive hen nights or hotels or anything and I wouldn't do a list or ask for money but yes I would expect a card from people I had invited.

Saying that - I can't remember the last time I received a thank-you from a married couple - I would be happy with a Facebook message or a text but normally nothing - riled recently by family member we put a lot together for and not a mention. I had my first DS last week and have been overwhelmed by people's kindness - someone has made me some thank-you notes with a pic of him on and everyone will get one.

Just don't take it to heart that it's you - it happens to everyone honest.

Shonajay · 24/10/2014 02:48

It's a bit tight but if someone's got no money they may be inclined to show up empty handed than put a fiver in a card. After all like everyone says, weddings are expensive to attend these days. It actually pisses me off- we get a good few invites, the most recent ones were colleagues of dh's so bought something off the wedding lis (£50) taxi home (£40) and took £200 cash with us. What with buying a few rounds etc we had about a tenner left, and no, we we not buying champagne - I had about four vodkas and diet coke and wished I'd brought my flask. £10.50 for a vodka and diet coke. Total rip off.

I wonder sometimes if the hotel does a deal on a cheaper reception so they can hike up the bar bill? I think there should be a free bar up till say 10pm, then they can pillage us for our money.

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