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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dd 14 has the right to not be tickled by her father ?

100 replies

cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 22:47

Dd14 hates tickles. Always has. Has told her dad (my exp) so many times.
Today exp dropped off dd 12 from swimming (she doesn't mind so much) then went over to dd1 on sofa leant over her began tickling she kicked him said stop he carried on I pulled him off her..

I Shouted stop she doesn't like it has told you.
He started shouting "I can tickle her if I want it s what fathers do. "
"The only reason she doesn't like it is because of what you have put in her head... I am her father. I can tickle her. " managed to get him to leave...

Long backstory and dd1 has little contact with him anyway ie only when he drops off or picks up dd2...but yet again she is saying this has left her feeling assaulted and scared. That he just won't listen,

Can I report it? As crossing boundaries ? Assault? She and I have told him calmly so many times that she does not want to be tickled (mauled) by him or by anyone. That he should respect that. Just won't listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
cestlavielife · 24/10/2014 12:55

update: police (via school liaison officer) will have a word and warn him.
if it happens again we report as assault and he will be arrested.
he has dismissed it as not serious and invited dd for dinner ... I think not. she wont go anyway.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/10/2014 13:52

That's good that it is being taken seriously. Noway dinner, what sort of planet is he on!

rumbleinthrjungle · 24/10/2014 13:59

Well handled OP.

ouryve · 24/10/2014 14:04

Glad it's being taken seriously. His petulance and lack of concern about personal boundaries is a worry. (and is the sort of thing I get from my 10yo with ASD and lack of impulse control)

Lweji · 24/10/2014 14:12

The dinner thing sounds like he's trying to get a reaction out of you, or to ignore the boundaries in his head.
Keep drumming them. Relentlessly.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 24/10/2014 14:13

Good news OP!

Ever since DD was tiny, I let her be the one who controlled physical affection. Good manners for one thing, and really aggressive and paranoid LA child protection at the time of her birth.

Also she's been strong enough to crush the wind out of me since she was 11.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 24/10/2014 14:22

corrected update - police liaison spoke to dd at length at school and we will probably go for arrest. meets criteria. he will prob get a caution but this could come with clear limits on contact with dd eg clearly state do not go to the house. will mean no contact or only supervised for a while with ds and other dd but that is no bad thing.

OP posts:
VoyagerII · 24/10/2014 14:22

OP this thread has actually made my blood run cold, as i hate hate hate any kind of being tickled. (And am also a survivor of sexual abuse by my dad.)

My own 4yo DD loves being tickled and often asks to play silly tickling games, but a) she knows I don't like it myself and that people have a choice, and b) the SECOND she wants it to stop or is fed up with it, it stops.

Your ex's behaviour and attitude is appalling, we know that but also I think it's great that you are making it so clear for DD that she is in the right and that it is something to take seriously and she is entitled to stand up for her right not to be touched. Great that you have the police support too.

Well done from me OP Thanks You are the kind of mum my mum never was.

mathanxiety · 24/10/2014 14:41

Excellent. He is being very aggressive about this (e.g. the dinner invitation) and I hope they read him the riot act. It's a good thing contact with DD2 and DS will be limited. Might be better for the purposes of getting the message through to him that he answers to a higher authority if he had no contact with them. I would worry that DD2 has been putting up with more than she might be saying right now.

HappyAgainOneDay · 24/10/2014 14:45

It doesn't matter who does the tickling. If the tickling is under arms, it doesn't take much for the 'tickling' to move towards the front, does it?

Lweji · 24/10/2014 14:46

Sounds good to me.

Thumbscrewswitch · 24/10/2014 14:56

Ugh, your poor DD1. I'm very glad it's being taken seriously and that they will arrest him - since even pointing a finger at someone in an aggressive fashion can be considered assault, actually tickling someone who hates it and doesn't want to be touched should definitely count (and I'm glad to see it does).

I hate being tickled too - also down to my Dad, but he didn't mean it (honestly he didn't, he thought we were having a fun game) - I was on the floor, with my knees up to my chest to protect my tummy, and he had to kneel down to reach my sides to tickle them, so was leaning on my knees. Net result, I couldn't actually breathe (he didn't realise) and certainly couldn't say STOP or GET OFF! or anything. Luckily my Mum noticed I was crying and he immediately jumped up, horrified - but I've never let anyone tickle me again, not without threat of severe reprisal. I loathe it.
(I do realise that this could look like some dodgy form of abuse, but it really wasn't, I promise! My siblings and mum were in the room at the time as well)

MissBlennerhasset · 24/10/2014 14:58

It's so great this is being taken seriously. You handled this really well, OP.

BastardGoDarkly · 24/10/2014 15:31

voyager Flowers

Well done Op :)

storytopper · 24/10/2014 15:37

Well done OP. This sends a good message to all of your DCs that they don't have to put up with unwanted contact and that you are there to protect them.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/10/2014 15:43

I agree I wonder what he might have done to dd2 that she is Mabey afraid to say. It's worrying that even though dd1 kicked him, he carried on and op had to drag him off her. Sounds very abusive and not dissimilar to how rapists behave.

GatoradeMeBitch · 24/10/2014 15:48

Good for you OP. You reminded me of this article I read yesterday jezebel.com/why-i-will-never-tell-my-daughter-to-give-you-a-hug-1647231802

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 24/10/2014 16:06

Good call op well done Thanks

PrettyPictures92 · 24/10/2014 16:08

Great news OP, hope all gets better now Flowers

PrettyPictures92 · 24/10/2014 16:15

Gatorade I think that's a great article

BecauseIsaidS0 · 24/10/2014 16:18

OP you have absolutely done the right thing. Kudos to you for protecting your daughter, I admire your strength. It can't have been easy but I'm sure she is incredibly grateful.

OraProNobis · 24/10/2014 16:24

Good on you OP. I hate, loathe and detest tickling and I've never been abused but my Dad was a great 'tickler' - God I hated him for it! He would always stop but not instantly. I've never tickled any children I've been in contact with - never would either.

wanttosqueezeyou · 24/10/2014 16:25

Horrible.
I wonder what else he thinks its his right to do and does he actually have any boundary Angry

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2014 16:48

You are sooo doing the right thing! What a wonderful, powerful mum you are!

I'm only going to add that IF he enters the house again let DD know that she can leave the room and lock herself in a room until he's gone. Is there a lock on the bathroom? Perhaps put a flip lock on your bedroom? If he has mental health issues he may well decide that the police can't 'tell a father what to do' either.

Abilly72 · 24/10/2014 18:07

Stupid man -he should not be doing this and if he cannot be made to realise this do not let DD visit him

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