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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dd 14 has the right to not be tickled by her father ?

100 replies

cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 22:47

Dd14 hates tickles. Always has. Has told her dad (my exp) so many times.
Today exp dropped off dd 12 from swimming (she doesn't mind so much) then went over to dd1 on sofa leant over her began tickling she kicked him said stop he carried on I pulled him off her..

I Shouted stop she doesn't like it has told you.
He started shouting "I can tickle her if I want it s what fathers do. "
"The only reason she doesn't like it is because of what you have put in her head... I am her father. I can tickle her. " managed to get him to leave...

Long backstory and dd1 has little contact with him anyway ie only when he drops off or picks up dd2...but yet again she is saying this has left her feeling assaulted and scared. That he just won't listen,

Can I report it? As crossing boundaries ? Assault? She and I have told him calmly so many times that she does not want to be tickled (mauled) by him or by anyone. That he should respect that. Just won't listen.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:25

I totally agree math, it's about him abusing dd and asserting power and control over her. Can he not drop dd at the end of the road, or do not let him in. Make sure dd2 carries a key with her mabey so she can let herself in, instead of you opening the door. If this happens again definitely help your dd to report to the Police, including everything in your op.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:27

I agree bastard, have you spoken to dd2 to see if he touches her inappropriately.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 22/10/2014 23:28

I hate being tickled as it hurts and your daughter has right to be able to say no. People get confused because they see the person laughing and think they are enjoying it. If she is saying no, her dad should be respecting that.

Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 23:30

I agree this is not on and would speak to ss or police.

I would also want to keep dd12 away.

PrettyPictures92 · 22/10/2014 23:31

Your poor DD, I really hope you manage to find a way to stop this asap :( Even at 4 my dd hates being tickled and I'd never dream of doing that to her since she's expressed her (very strong and loud! But I don't blame her for that) opinions on it. With a teenager you need to be even more acutely aware of boundaries regarding physical contact.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:32

Stopped contact pvsly with ss support in 2010...and pvsly 2008... There us history.... Contact with dd2 rebuilt slowly... As dd2 said "I thought things had been getting better " . Yeh I will do whatever, dds need to feel safe. If that means zero contact again so be it. For dd1 taking action now via police /DV ss whichever will be only way.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 22/10/2014 23:33

Slight derail, but rather than "no means no", I think our mantra should be "only yes means yes".

A subtle difference, but an important one.

ithoughtofitfirst · 22/10/2014 23:34

I don't really know what to suggest but i'm glad others are being helpful. I would be very angry if it were my dd.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 22/10/2014 23:34

Your poor DD1. It is assault when he knows how much she hates it and he said he has a right to do it anyway - no he bloody well does not. I hope SS can help you.

I would be worried about DD2 as well, she might not yet voice her objection to him touching her in ways she isn't comfortable with, but if she sees DD1 doing it and not being listened to, she just wont bother. It's yet another way he could be quietly grooming her. Of course it's possible he's just an idiot, but I wouldn't want to take the risk... I'd be considering no unsupervised contact with DD2, which I know would create a shit storm but better that than possible abuse. It's not the tickling it's his insistance he can do as he pleases to his daughter... creepy.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 22/10/2014 23:36

x-posted with you.

I hate to think what his previous was, although I suppose for you to let DD2 have unsupervised contact with him I guess it can't have been too serious, but even so, added to this - supervised contact only would be the max he would get.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:41

Good, go no contact with dd2, and speak to SS and Police. Why were SS involved previously? Why was there initially no contact? Is contact through the court.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:43

Assaulting children eg picking up and shaking during periods of "anxiety and depression" gp cmht diagnosis. Gp written letters to me and persuaded me he is "stable " led to rebuilding of contact.
But it s always been shaky and a matter of time really .... But he isn't showing depression signs more hyper? "I can do anything " e phase? Eg ss interviewed him re ds and thought he was wonderful... "No reason to limit contact with dad" .
Hence I needed to talk to ss urgently tomorrow before planned meeting in ten days.

OP posts:
Hedger · 22/10/2014 23:44

YANBU. Not cool at all. My sister (similar age to your DS) accidentally broke my father's nose with her head when he came up behind her and tickled her - served him right.

Lweji · 22/10/2014 23:44

*Could be his mh issues means he really literally doesn't understand...but I find it hard to believe he doesn't understand the word no or stop.`

May cat understands NO.
He may often choose to ignore it, but he knows what it means.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:45

Contact order is for supervised and any other as agreed.... So there has been unsupervised under the as agreed but I can of course no longer agree...

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/10/2014 23:46

For SS or GP to actually be able to give an opinion, they would have to monitor interaction between him and the children.
How can they possibly know anything otherwise?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:46

My goodness definitely no contact. How old is dd2

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:48

Oh right, dd2 is 12, she has a right nit to see her father if she doesent want to. At 12 courts will listen to her wishes more.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:49

Dd 2 is 12
Ds 17 but severe sld asd going thru adult ss assessment (transition) .

OP posts:
Original poster
cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:49

Dd2 does and doesn't...confused.

OP posts:
ChillingGrinBloodLover · 22/10/2014 23:50

I wonder if his meds for his depression aren't quite right and it's making him hyper? He clearly isn't mentally healthy, so no, no more unsupervised contact with DD2 or DS.

It's definitely wise to speak to SS asap before the planning meeting etc.

What a lot you have on your shoulders :( Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:51

If she die sent want to, don't make her

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 23:52

Doesen't

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 22/10/2014 23:53

Of course she's confused :( However, she knows enough about the situation to be able to comment on thinking it was better now... so you will just have to explain to her why it's not OK to have unsupervised contact with him at the moment and work out ways for her to see him when she wants to. He's her Dad - he's not well, he's not balanced and he's not safe to be around her on her own, but they can still love each other and spend time together, just not alone. Poor kid though, your Dad is supposed to keep you safe from the world. I know he can't help it, but it's still sad for her.

rumbleinthrjungle · 23/10/2014 08:47

He needs it spelled out to him by someone in objective authority (Cafcass, social worker, whoever) that being her father does not entitle him to do anything to her body that he feels like doing, and she will be protected from him if he does not get this straight in his head right now. The 'I'll do it if I want to' while she's making it very clear she wants him to stop is completely unacceptable.

I wonder what planet some of these men live on Sad