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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that dd 14 has the right to not be tickled by her father ?

100 replies

cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 22:47

Dd14 hates tickles. Always has. Has told her dad (my exp) so many times.
Today exp dropped off dd 12 from swimming (she doesn't mind so much) then went over to dd1 on sofa leant over her began tickling she kicked him said stop he carried on I pulled him off her..

I Shouted stop she doesn't like it has told you.
He started shouting "I can tickle her if I want it s what fathers do. "
"The only reason she doesn't like it is because of what you have put in her head... I am her father. I can tickle her. " managed to get him to leave...

Long backstory and dd1 has little contact with him anyway ie only when he drops off or picks up dd2...but yet again she is saying this has left her feeling assaulted and scared. That he just won't listen,

Can I report it? As crossing boundaries ? Assault? She and I have told him calmly so many times that she does not want to be tickled (mauled) by him or by anyone. That he should respect that. Just won't listen.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 22/10/2014 22:49

She can report it. I think it's bullying, controlling and assault.

She has a right not to be touched.

Would she make a complaint to SS or the police?

magimedi · 22/10/2014 22:51

YANBU & nor is your DD.

It is her body, her choice & your exp needs to grow up & respect this.

I don't know if you can report this or not, but am sure someone will be along soon who can tell you.

All I can say is that you & DD are 100% right about saying no.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 22/10/2014 22:54

It's horrible and at 14, she is at an age when it is vitally important that she gets to choose who touches her and how that happens.

PurpleWithRed · 22/10/2014 22:59

Horrible. Xdp used to 'tickle' me like this, it's a kind of passive aggressive horrible assault. All about physical power and control.

Can you keep him out of your house? Dd2 is old enough to let herself in etc?

AskYourselfWhy · 22/10/2014 23:00

My DH has taken ages to realise that two of our teens (one a DS, one a DD) really don't like too much physical contact. We are quite an affectionate family but he used to treat them like they were Labradors and sort of ruffle and pat them. . I'm not sure I have explained it well but he wasn't tickling them exactly. He absolutely did it with nothing but the best intentions and with love but the kids used to hate it. I could see them tense up. They didn't want to hurt his feelings which didn't help.

Subtle hints didn't work and we had to spell it out to him. He's the nicest bloke in the world but he was quite stupid when it came to this.

Maybe your Ex is just being really thick? Would it help if your DD is much more forceful about it? Could she show him how angry it makes her feel.

AskYourselfWhy · 22/10/2014 23:02

My DH didn't used to do this in a passive aggressive way. It was his, very misguided, way of showing affection.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/10/2014 23:03

That's actually really horrible.

I second the nut letting him actually come in idea.

Drop dd2 at the door, your poor dd :(

storytopper · 22/10/2014 23:07

If she doesn't like it, it should stop. There is no entitlement as a father to touch your children in a way they don't enjoy. This is all about power over her - and defying you.

mausmaus · 22/10/2014 23:07

any child (any person really) has the right to say no to close bodily contact if they don't want to.

I drive ths message 'no means no' into them, it's sooo important.

so yanbu at all. if she wishes to report, do it. if she wishes not to see him make it possible. poor her.

Lweji · 22/10/2014 23:09

You can report it, but as she is 14 she can basically decide to stop seeing him.

Original poster

cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:11

Really thick might be a positive way of putting it... Could be his mh issues means he really literally doesn't understand...but I find it hard to believe he doesn't understand the word no or stop.
Fantasist, believes he truly does have the right ? He literally says "I can if I want to " (regardless of dd view ) which I find chilling... But of course my view of him is coloured by past experiences...
Will speak to ss tomorrow as going thru assessment for disabled ds diff branch but they might advise or refer....

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 22/10/2014 23:11

It does sound like a massive 'I know you don't like it, but fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway'

Make it stop for her op.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 22/10/2014 23:11

I agree it's passive/aggressive assault.

Definitely a control thing. Tickling hurts too, sometimes.

She needs to speak to a police officer, get them to stop it.

And next time kick him harder.

Or stop letting him into her home. He can drop your other child off at the door. She needs to feel safe.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/10/2014 23:12

I think your gut is telling you which it is love.

Original poster

cestlavielife · 22/10/2014 23:13

She doesn't see him refuses but my rule of drop dd2 at door please sometimes lapses as I thnk it is just dd who has come in as eg I am in kitchen then find he has barged in...

OP posts:

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 22/10/2014 23:13

Has he got any narcissistic traits?

Narcissists don't have boundaries and see everyone as extensions of themselves/their property/tools for them to do what they like with.

Wolfiefan · 22/10/2014 23:14

"D"F used to do this to us when we were kids. It was controlling and abusive.
(Not putting details here. Sorry.)
You need to protect your child. She needs to know that SHE can control what happens to her body.

iwishiwasacat · 22/10/2014 23:14

YANBU! Your poor daughter.

It is awful that your exp thinks he has a right to touch someone that way.

Every child, no matter their age, deserves respect and to set their own boundaries when it comes their bodies and personal space. Continuing to tickle her after she has said stop is unacceptable.

My son is only 3 and enjoys tickles but the second he says stop then we stop. A family member carried on tickling him long after he had screamed stop and was in tears and we are now no contact with that person.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/10/2014 23:15

Ok, so when dd2 his out with him, get her to leave her key, so she knocks, you open, and tell him he's not coming in.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/10/2014 23:18

It is certainly not unreasonable to want people to stop touching you if you don't like it.

Its something that infuriates me and carrying on doing it sends a horrible message to your dd

Wolfiefan · 22/10/2014 23:19

How does he treat DD2? I'm afraid if an ex walked in without being invited and started touching my child without permission then I'd call the bloody police.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2014 23:19

Since he has told everyone he has a right to do it, it is very clearly a matter of him asserting control over DD's body. This is a power trip on his part and it has sexual overtones.

You need to keep him out of your house, and I would report him to the DV officer or even as a sexual assault.

It can be a form of very overt sexual grooming when you touch them against their express will, in front of others, and in someone else's house too -- this is a power play designed to show you and the DDs who is in charge. His verbal remonstrating with her and with you on the subject shows he will only be stopped if he is forbidden access to your DD.

I would take steps to keep DD12 away from him as a matter of urgency. He clearly does not respect physical or sexual boundaries. Contact between her and her father should be stopped.

Better no contact for your girls with a father than contact with this father.

This is not a man being really thick.

Canyouforgiveher · 22/10/2014 23:20

Don't let him in the house - surely there is no need. He can drop dd2 and go. He has serious boundary and control (as in he controls her) issues.

Plus tickling a 14 year old daughter has the potential to be really creepy. I have a 14 year old who has a close affectionate relationship with her father but he is even more careful of her physical space and autonomy since she became a teenager and really lets her take the lead.

In another couple of years your dd2 is going to hate what he does too.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/10/2014 23:22

Have to say, I'd be worried about Dd 2 also, under these circumstances.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2014 23:24

Please do speak to SS tomorrow and do not downplay this. Are you prepared to take any measures SS advises you to take? You may have to confront him and/or stop his access to DD2.

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