Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many people refuse to apologise these days?

76 replies

HangingBasketCase · 22/10/2014 12:37

"Sorry" really is the hardest word for so many people isn't it? I was brought up to believe that if you upset, offend or hurt someone else, whether it was intentional or not then you apologise to them. Saying sorry is one of the first things we teach young children to do, yet so many adults seem to have real difficulty with it the selves, and I'm noticing that it's becoming and more prevalent. Why is that?

A few years ago I unintentionally upset a friend, and was utterly mortified when I found out as it hadn't been my intention at all. I immediately phoned her to apologise and thankfully she accepted my apology and forgave me, but how different that could have been had I refused to admit I was in the wrong, dug my heels in and refused to say sorry.

I hear the following comments often. "They are being oversensitive", "It wasn't my fault they took in the wrong way" " Why should I say sorry? I haven't done anything wrong". If your hurt someone, then you have done something wrong and you SHOULD apologise.

OP posts:
SanitaryOwl · 22/10/2014 12:44

Sorry.

Charitybelle · 22/10/2014 12:51

IMO this is all related to the prevalent 'American' culture that says one should be 'real' and 'true to oneself' etc etc... This perpetuates the idea that you are never wrong, just 'keeping it real' and anyone who doesn't 'get it' is not to be apologised to. Maybe a massive generalisation, but there's definitely less humility about.
I say this as someone who never says sorry unless she can help it Grin

GnomeDePlume · 22/10/2014 12:51

I agree that people should apologise where appropriate. I also believe that there is an etiquette for apologising. Anything which contains the words 'if' or 'but' isnt an apology.

The problem I have seen is that sometimes an apology can be taken as been a blanket admission of responsibility for everything which has gone wrong.

Graining · 22/10/2014 12:57

"Sorry you feel like that" "Sorry if you got upset" "Sorry you took it that way"

These are sneaky non-apologies, and fool nobody.

HesterShaw · 22/10/2014 13:53

I think what Charity said has a lot of truth to it. People see apologising as a sign of weakness, and that by doing so, they will leave themselves vulnerable (to what I have no idea). They think you will have got one over on them somehow and they will owe you something by admitting they have done something they should not have done.

Also I have noticed (and my husband is a prime example) that lots of people are really dreadful at accepting an apology. They see it as evidence that you want them to put the boot in a bit more. I have stopped accepting that from him now - I say "I have apologised and I meant it, but I'm not going to grovel."

Half assed apologies don't count either, like Graining said. I recently brought it my mother's attention that I had never heard her genuinely apologise to any of us in my life. An example was when I was about 22 and I tried to take her out for dinner like a normal mother/daughter and I was asking the waitress a couple of questions about the food or wine or something and she shouted at me to stop dicking around and get on with it, and several heads turned. I afterwards told her I was fed up of her shouting at me and to never to do it again. Awkward silence as she digested the fact that I was now an adult, and she ground out "I'm sorry if you thought I was shouting at you." Not an apology at all!

HesterShaw · 22/10/2014 13:55

Also nowadays with the suing culture, people are often trained to never apologise as it means admitting liability/fault and therefore leaves you open to litigation.

Pity.

Bewooohooove · 22/10/2014 13:57

I used to automatically say sorry if someone walked into me or things like that. I try to be more self aware now and only apologise if it is my fault. never

HesterShaw · 22/10/2014 14:00

I think - not sure though - the OP was talking about actual events which had caused upset rather than bumps and so on in the street, when people say sorry even if it's not their fault! I phoned the wrong number the other day trying to get hold of a friend and got the hairdresser, who apologised profusely for not being my friend :o

LadyLuck10 · 22/10/2014 14:05

I think yabu. There are some times when an apology is not warranted.

DogCalledRudis · 22/10/2014 14:05

Also nowadays with the suing culture, people are often trained to never apologise as it means admitting liability/fault and therefore leaves you open to litigation.
That is true in the world of business.

CherryDolphin · 22/10/2014 14:08

People don't like to admit that they've done something wrong. I know I don't, but I will always apologise if I've hurt someone. People do tend to feel that if they have to say sorry then it means they have done something wrong and have to admit it.

I don't think it's a new thing though. It's been like this for a long time.

feelingmellow · 22/10/2014 14:09

Hester yes the suing culture has a lot to answer for but a simple apology will often diffuse situations and my be all the person wants.

HesterShaw · 22/10/2014 14:11

Oh yes I agree with you!

If I ever phone to complain about something, and they deny deny deny I just want to yell "Look can't you just say sorry dickhead".

Snowflakesonmynose · 22/10/2014 14:13

I agree OP. I easily apologise when I feel I was out line or even when walking too close to people in the street but rarely meet other people who say sorry for anything. It makes me feel a bit 'meak' so I now try to apologies less.

antimatter · 22/10/2014 14:13

Also nowadays with the suing culture, people are often trained to never apologise as it means admitting liability/fault and therefore leaves you open to litigation.
also on the roas after any small collision

SummerSazz · 22/10/2014 14:14

I regularly have discussions with DH about this. He cannot and will not ever apologise. Drives me insane. Apologise & move on is my motto - I am not always right, no-one is so accept that with good grace and take it on the chin if something goes wrong.

Having said that I gave up on a 15 year friendship after one friend would be overly apologetic (mainly about blowing me out for meeting up or failing to do stuff she promised). She never ever changed her behaviour so sorry became meaningless in that instance. A genuine apology and resolve not to try to repeat it is what is needed IMO

BackOnlyBriefly · 22/10/2014 14:15

I'm quite capable of saying/doing something incredibly stupid or unfair and if I realise it I do apologise. A couple of times on here as it goes.

I'll mention that I'm a man because I suspect this is more of a problem with some men who think it makes them look 'unmanly'. Personally I think they have that backwards.

As for apologising when you were not the one in the wrong that depends, but it can be the kindest thing to do.

From the notebooks of Lazarus Long:
"In a family argument, if it turns out you are right--apologize at once!"

FrankSpencer · 22/10/2014 14:18

Why do so many folks refuse to apologise? Perhaps it's because they are emotionally stunted twats who can't bring themselves to admit to another they're in the wrong.
Same for those who can't accept an apology from another and as mentioned up thread, use it as a means to be a shit for longer.

like certain members of my family.

stubbornstains · 22/10/2014 14:27

If I ever phone to complain about something, and they deny deny deny I just want to yell "Look can't you just say sorry dickhead".

Oh yes...."Hello, this product you sent me is faulty - can I send it back for a refund please?" (sound of bosom being hoiked): "Well, none of our other customers have complained..." Yes, and you can keep saying that. Because as of right now, I'm an ex customer.

Bumpsadaisie · 22/10/2014 14:34

Hmm I say "sorry" all the time ... but then I am often a grumpy cow to my DH and DCs!

EleventyTwelve · 22/10/2014 14:35

I am someone who has been told that I apologise far too much. In fact I was once told by HR in local government NEVER to apologise about anything. Hmm

But there are varying degrees. I don't mind apologising at all over minor stuff (bigger stuff is way more scary if the forgiveness element is really important to you). Apologising is polite and I find it is often warmly received by people on a human to human level, and is quite often accompanied by a sense of self-growth, which doesn't go with the more hard-faced alternative.

I actually think the non-apology does have a place, but it is too often used as a get out clause. I think it is ok to say honestly, I am not sorry for doing "x" (because I would do it again) but I am sorry that you are upset by it. Just using the last bit is a right cop out.

ouryve · 22/10/2014 14:35

Is it?

I can't say I've ever kept track, so I have no idea whether people were quicker to apologise, back in my 70s childhood, than they are now.

EverythingCounts · 22/10/2014 14:36

Agree that this is really annoying. On a related note, no-one seems to say 'Excuse me' anymore when they want to get past you! They just stand and stare at you, or try to push past silently. It's not hard, people!

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 22/10/2014 14:36

My DH says "sorry" is to make the apologist feel better and not the victim.

"I'm sorry."

So what?

I think an apology is only worthwhile if it comes with a lesson learned.

3nonblondeboys80 · 22/10/2014 14:37

agree op.