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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why so many people refuse to apologise these days?

76 replies

HangingBasketCase · 22/10/2014 12:37

"Sorry" really is the hardest word for so many people isn't it? I was brought up to believe that if you upset, offend or hurt someone else, whether it was intentional or not then you apologise to them. Saying sorry is one of the first things we teach young children to do, yet so many adults seem to have real difficulty with it the selves, and I'm noticing that it's becoming and more prevalent. Why is that?

A few years ago I unintentionally upset a friend, and was utterly mortified when I found out as it hadn't been my intention at all. I immediately phoned her to apologise and thankfully she accepted my apology and forgave me, but how different that could have been had I refused to admit I was in the wrong, dug my heels in and refused to say sorry.

I hear the following comments often. "They are being oversensitive", "It wasn't my fault they took in the wrong way" " Why should I say sorry? I haven't done anything wrong". If your hurt someone, then you have done something wrong and you SHOULD apologise.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 22/10/2014 14:38

I was raised a Catholic. All i ever do is say sorry

KettleBelles · 22/10/2014 14:44

Because it makes no difference at all. I drop a china vase, it smashes, i say sorry, the vase is still smashed.

DoJo · 22/10/2014 14:49

I think that it's natural to not want to admit you are in the wrong, not some American import - after all, none of us like to think that we have made a mistake that has upset someone. However, I also don't believe in apologising unless you mean it, so if I think something needs a discussion and acceptance of blame on both sides, I might open up the dialogue with an apology that many would find unacceptable such as 'I'm sorry that I snapped at you but I was annoyed that you kept interrupting and I just wanted to finish what I was saying' which some people would find unacceptable as they believe an apology should be entirely unconditional.

There are so few situations (in my life at least) where one person is entirely in the wrong and one completely blameless that I don't think completely unconditional apologies are appropriate very often. Sometimes the apology is just a way of turning an argument into a discussion, with both people holding the same positions as before, but with less acrimony and a little more open-mindedness.

Charitybelle · 22/10/2014 14:53

I never say sorry unless I actually think I'm wrong which is to say never so I rarely say I'm sorry. Perhaps the rise in self confidence, particularly amongst women is to blame? I never say sorry to 'smooth things over' if I think I was right to begin with. I don't see the point, as someone else say, it's disingenuous. Stubborn, maybe, but it would stick in my throat.
OTOH, I don't go out of my way to offend people, and am generally happy to 'agree to disagree'. Sometimes people are just offended by you, and/or your opinions/actions. This doesn't always mean an apology is necessary, perhaps we're all starting to realise that we don't all have to agree to get along?

SconeRhymesWithGone · 22/10/2014 14:56

IMO this is all related to the prevalent 'American' culture that says one should be 'real' and 'true to oneself' etc etc...

Damn, I see a lot of things blamed on us Americans on MN; this may be the most ridiculous of all.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 22/10/2014 14:59

I wonder if it's because we're less religious and hence less habituated to questioning our behaviour and criticising ourselves for it.

EverythingCounts · 22/10/2014 15:02

DoJo How does that work with kids? Say if one of your DC does something they shouldn't to another child, and they're clearly not sorry, would you not make them say sorry to the other child?

KettleBelles But it does make a difference to people's feelings. If you were at my house and accidentally smashed a vase, I'd be OK about it if you said sorry, but I'd be quire resentful if you just went 'Oh, well, these things happen', and carried on with no apology.

EverythingCounts · 22/10/2014 15:06

I do agree that the kind of automatic 'sorry' it's easy to come out with when someone bumps into you in the street is a bad habit. I've made a conscious effort to switch nothing when someone does that not, whereas I used to do it all the time.

Snowflakesonmynose · 22/10/2014 15:12

"I do agree that the kind of automatic 'sorry' it's easy to come out with when someone bumps into you in the street is a bad habit. I've made a conscious effort to switch nothing when someone does that not, whereas I used to do it all the time."

Why is it a bad habit though?

Sollers · 22/10/2014 15:16

KettleBelles But it does make a difference to people's feelings. If you were at my house and accidentally smashed a vase, I'd be OK about it if you said sorry, but I'd be quire resentful if you just went 'Oh, well, these things happen', and carried on with no apology.

YES! My DP is very clumsy and used to regularly break my stuff and then not apologise 'because it was an accident". I have now beaten it into him managed to persuade him that an apology is entirely appropriate in this context. I would be very pissed off with someone who didn't apologise because "the vase is still smashed".

KoalaDownUnder · 22/10/2014 15:17

I'll mention that I'm a man because I suspect this is more of a problem with some men who think it makes them look 'unmanly'. Personally I think they have that backwards.

I think I love you.

(Just kidding, don't panic )

OP, YANBU. I first encountered the non-apology about 10 years ago, when a friend treated me extremely badly over a period of time, and then refused to discuss it. When we met up for lunch, supposedly to talk it out, he kept repeating in a smarmy voice 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. It drove me mad, and I lost a huge amount of respect for him that day.

I think many people view saying sorry as a sign of weakness, that they will have somehow 'lost' and placed themselves at a disadvantage with the person they're apologising to.

HesterShaw · 22/10/2014 15:27

Damn, I see a lot of things blamed on us Americans on MN; this may be the most ridiculous of all.

Sympathies, it must be fucking annoying, Scone. (And yes scone does obviously rhyme with gone. Even an American realises it )

EverythingCounts · 22/10/2014 15:43

Snowflake As in, it's a bad habit when someone who isn't looking where they're going bashes into you, and then you say sorry to them! I used to do this all the time and then thought 'Hang on, it's their fault and they've bumped me so why am I saying it?' I still apologise if I bump into someone else and it's down to me, even though it's an accident. That's good manners in my book.

TiggyD · 22/10/2014 16:15

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say how sorry I am, not just to the other people involved and the otters in question, but also to the scout troop who were camping nearby, and the whole of the orphanage. It was totally out of character for me and I regretted getting caught immediately. The main thing I think we should concentrate on now is forgiving me so it has no negative consequences for me or my surviving family. I'm only human. Humans make mistakes. Big enjoyable at the time mistakes, of which I'm sure I will have many, many, many more, but rest assured I will do my very utmost to not get caught again, or at least, very often.

That is the end of my statement and I hope you'll all let me and somebody's wife and family overcome this issue, and the one you don't know about, in peace until my book about it comes out.

Thank you.

Charitybelle · 22/10/2014 16:21

Sorry scone I didn't mean to offend. When I say 'American culture' I don't mean American people iyswim'? In the same way that there's a lot wrong with 'British culture' I don't necessarily beat myself up about that.
It's more of a zeitgeist than something I would put on individuals. Every American I've ever met has been utterly polite and courteous, but watch a bit of MTV or one of the other mainly American entertainment channels and you'll see what I'm talking about. It's not RL, but some of that nonsense does seem to be having an effect on people in this country. Maybe I should have said 'American TV producers'

Charitybelle · 22/10/2014 16:24

Am now really hoping you're not a TV producer scone.....?

HappyAgainOneDay · 22/10/2014 17:07

I had an unhappy marriage. My X was horrid and I was not going to apologise to him because he always thought I was wrong. When I met the perfect man and married him, I would apologise because I didn't want to go to bed with us both festering for a few days .....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/10/2014 17:12

What about the apology that is said in either an arsy, totally-not-sorry tone, or in a tone that says clearly, 'I am only apologising to shut you up - I don't really mean it' - dh is a past master at both of those - it really upsets me.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 22/10/2014 17:20

No, I'm not a producer.

Thanks for your clarification, Charity. Suffice it to say that much of what is on American TV ignores vast swaths of American culture. For example, I am a Southerner living in the South; saying sorry and making amends is a big part of our ethos, partly due to our history, but also because of the influence of religion.

EssexGurl · 22/10/2014 17:22

I had a rubbish customer service experience with M&S a few years ago - in fact two, one after the other. Customer services were incredibly unhelpful. So in a fit of pique I emailed Stuart Rose. Obviously he didn't respond but I got a phone call from one of his team. All very nice, sad to hear of my problems, etc etc. then - what did I want as a result?

She was very taken aback that all I wanted was a "sorry, we messed up" acknowledgement/ apology. I'm think they are so used to people complaining merely for financial gain that the simple apology gets forgotten.

However, I only like sorry when it is meant. Nothing worse than a false apology.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 22/10/2014 17:23

That's a very good apology, Tiggy.
It's almost as good as that Methodist minister in charge of the Co-op bank who was found out doing drugs and said in his apology 'I am no better and no worse' than other people.

hiddenhome · 22/10/2014 17:24

Sorry doesn't mean anything. It's just a word. People who say sorry are only doing it to get round you. I feel I'm being manipulated if anyone ever says sorry to me, which nobody ever does really.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 22/10/2014 17:25

I am always apologising for everything, even for existing. There are still lots if people like this.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 22/10/2014 17:33

I think a lot of it is trying to see the other person's side and acknowledging their side of things. I once inadvertently angered a colleague at work, and when I heard about it, I thought it was a silly thing to be upset about. But then I really tried to see it her way and I saw her point. I apologized and our working relationship has been stronger for it. I think sincerity comes through when you really mean it.

vezzie · 22/10/2014 17:40

I don't think this is a new thing. In fact I think (in my experience obv) it is "the older generation" who can't bear to apologise and younger ones who have no difficulty with it at all.

I have seen my parents make up a row with every show of conciliation in the world except actually saying "sorry". You can tell they are sorry and that is good enough for them. It's not good enough for me, though. They do not say "sorry" or "I love you" (which I say to my dcs all the time)

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