To wonder why so many people refuse to apologise these days?

[HangingBasketCase]

"Sorry" really is the hardest word for so many people isn't it? I was brought up to believe that if you upset, offend or hurt someone else, whether it was intentional or not then you apologise to them. Saying sorry is one of the first things we teach young children to do, yet so many adults seem to have real difficulty with it the selves, and I'm noticing that it's becoming and more prevalent. Why is that?

A few years ago I unintentionally upset a friend, and was utterly mortified when I found out as it hadn't been my intention at all. I immediately phoned her to apologise and thankfully she accepted my apology and forgave me, but how different that could have been had I refused to admit I was in the wrong, dug my heels in and refused to say sorry.

I hear the following comments often. "They are being oversensitive", "It wasn't my fault they took in the wrong way" " Why should I say sorry? I haven't done anything wrong". If your hurt someone, then you have done something wrong and you SHOULD apologise.

I read this way to apologise a while back. Not sure if it was on here or somewhere else.

I like it and try to use it with my kids. It is actually really quite hard to use. Probably because when we apologise, it's often not a proper apology

• I am sorry for......

-I am sorry because.....

-Next time I will.....

DoJo How does that work with kids? Say if one of your DC does something they shouldn't to another child, and they're clearly not sorry, would you not make them say sorry to the other child?

I encourage my son to say sorry, but if he is determined not to then I don't force the other poor child to stand there waiting - I apologise on his behalf and he and I have a talk about why apologising is important and I remind him that it's nice to say sorry if you have hurt or upset someone and that I think he should say sorry. Most of the time he is happy to say sorry when he is in the wrong, and he usually only refuses when he feels as though the other child started it, in which case we talk about how, even if someone annoys you or hits you first, then he shouldn't hit back and he should come and tell me instead.

It's not a foolproof plan, but I don't think teaching him to pay lip service to apologising is particularly productive and I always make a point of apologising to a child and parent on the receiving end of bad behaviour in front of him (because I am genuinely sorry! ).

The last time I said sorry to OH it was three seconds after I'd snapped at him in a shop.

'I'm sorry. That was horrible of me. I think I'm stressed but it's no excuse for what I said.' He was really nice and it all felt remarkably liberating.

Depends. Sometimes whiny fucking self-obsessed twats demand apologies from people they have inconvienienced - or get all tearful and martyred about nothing at all.Those are the people who really merit the passive-aggressive non-apology (which I am very good at...)

An apology isn't meant to "fix" things. Of course the vase will still be broken, but it's a social indicator of caring, to say sorry. Otherwise people are left to believe the (even accidental) offender doesn't care about causing damage (to property or body or feelings).

If that is the case, fine. If not, just say sorry. Accident or not. Misinterpreted or not.

Genuine regret is another thing, which is why I tell my children "say it like you mean it," then teach them the reasons why they should mean it.

It's very important, I've found, to avoid offending people inadvertently. True offence should be deliberate.

I work in customer services- so so often I take complaints where- yes something has gone wrong, maybe your name was spelt wrong/ you got the wrong letter etc( just random examples) but people are not happy with an apology. I will say and mean that I am sorry, I know how inconvenient and annoying it is when a company makes mistakes, no it shouldn't happen, I have fixed it and there will be an investigation as to the cause ( usually some poor sod just assumed it was spelt Thomas not tomouse who will get in trouble for this) and yes we appreciate your custom.

9.9 out of ten feel that it isn't enough. I then have the horrible experience if explaining that as the genuine mistake didn't cause any actual financial or otherwise damage and was corrected and acknowledged immediately- no I won't give you compensation.

The customer then rants at how appalled they are, the company is at fault, we are disgusting for treating them this way- they will tell everyone they know just how crap we are- I am starting to feel that in today's money grabbing litigious society that sorry has been rendered redundant- some won't say it ( it's broken anyway?!? Wtf? You should still regret and apologise that you broke it?!) and others won't accept it. Probably the same people that won't say it won't accept it either.

But I might just have had a bad day

Some people will never apologise because they think it makes them look weak, others because they think they're never in the wrong.

It's right to apologise when you've caused distress or inconvenience whether intentional or not but only if it wasn't provoked. I'll always apologise when I'm in the wrong but never if the distress or inconvenience caused is in response to someone else's bad behaviour.

I won't apologise just because someone expects it, if they provoked me into rudeness, annoyance, rage, they got what they deserved. If I was in the right I won't apologise.

I find using sorry really powerful in my job (teacher).

If, on occasion, I get something wrong: a teaching error (new job and spec for me); I tell the wrong kid off for messing or can't answer a question and need to check it out, I say sorry and explain why I got it wrong. I find that it really builds bridges with kids to be able to admit when I'm wrong. I do it when I feel I've been harsh on my own DCs too.

I sound a bit smug don't I? Don't intend too. YANBU OP. Far too much arse covering going on IMO.

Just remembered also that I was a cunt a bit rude once to the receptionist at the leisure centre a while ago. An overreaction to DD having a meltdown because of a change in classes that we weren't expecting. It gradually dawned on me that I was out of order and I called back to apologise, but she's left for the day.

Tried the next day, but she was off on leave for the rest of the week. Felt like a twat for days but so much better when I finally did catch her and she said she appreciated the apology.

Apologies don't excuse bad behaviour but they are a great opportunity to appease the conscience!

OP - completely agree with your premise.

I think there are fewer apologies in society today because:

• we are taught not to admit fault, and don't want to feel guilt. Just act as if it never happened, and if someone does call you out, simply insult them further by saying they are too sensitive/over-reacting, or that you were 'only joking'.
• many people think an apology isn't necessary if they have the upper hand and/or power in a situation.
• Many people don't apologise if they think they might have 'got away' with something.
• there are fewer absolutes these days. We are all conditioned to seeing shades of grey that could potentially excuse the offending behaviour (ah well she behaved badly but she has PMS, ah well they were horrible but they are under tremendous pressure at work, he was awful but he was drunk, etc)
• we all think the world mostly revolves around us, and that we are entitled to behave however we please
• we have all become more aggressive and less polite. Rudeness is tolerated. Social niceties and courtesies are often scoffed at and/or seen as a sign of weakness to be exploited as 'soft'.
• we are more mobile as a society. If you alienate your friends/family/community by behaving badly, it is relatively easy to move on to another group of people.
• Facts are often not facts - it is all down to interpretation. What 'spin' can you put on what occurred to excuse or mitigate what happened? Politicians, PR, lawyers etc have shown us how well this blurring of the facts can work to excuse bad behaviour. Why admit you were in the wrong by apologising?

I'm sure I could easily come up with 10 more reasons, but have (more than) made my point.

Because everyone thinks they are the ones who are in the right.

These are the people who tend to lack empathy, are selfish and IME, tend to be the ones who think their kids never do anything wrong...which then filters down to the next generation...and on and on it goes.

No one takes responsibilty for their actions and the ones who are affected by these actions are, from a young age taught to be the ones who should apologise. The balance is wrong and has been for a long time...as we are seeing the effects of it.

My pet hate re customer care speak is "I can only apologise," - go on then you muppet! I think the words you're looking for are "I'm" and "sorry". Really gets my goat, so mealy mouthed and impervious.

As quite an old lady, I think apologies, politeness, manners, friendly smiles and so on are the oil that keeps the wheels of our social interactions turning smoothly. Without them we become more defensive, aggressive and on edge. Which generates more of the same.

I also think it's good if one can say, "I'm so sorry. What can I do to put things right?" Sorry is a nice word, but an offer of restoring the status quo is an excellent addition.

My family tradition is "never apologise, never explain, never volunteer" but more realistically I'd say - apologise with grace but only if you mean it and only if you have something to apologise for.

I've got a lot of faults but I pride myself on being able to apologise with sincerity and dignity when it's called for. Besides anything else, if said with sufficient grace it gives you so much more moral high ground over the offending party!

I'm not sure it's so black and white

If you bump into someone yes, by all means apologise.
But I don't think a lack of apologies in other circumstances is through ignorance or pig headedness.

I think a problem is that many people now expect an apology for anything they deem offensive or that they disagree with, regardless of context.

Apologising should be spontaneous and genuine though, or it is worse than meaningless. I say sorry spontaneously, but people who flounce and "demand an apology" are invariably the rude ones, and generally playing power games, being professionally and loudly upset and offended in order to remain beyond even the slightest criticism or question...

Making children say sorry when they are not, and especially when blame is not clear cut, is just a form of ritual humiliation and done by parents who care more about whether other adults think they are a good parent than about what life lessons they are really teaching their DC...

Actually I think the number of people who 'demand' apologies when no one has done them any actual harm might be a bigger problem. It's a common trait of abusers, for instance, to regard anything other than instant, craven obedience to their unreasonable whims as a terrible crime which must be apologised for.

And things like 'official' apologies for stuff that happened hundreds of years ago is utterly pathetic. Tony Blair 'apologising' for somethingorother that was done before the greasy, weaselly, snake-oil-selling little shit was even born a revolting spectacle particularly as he has never shown any inclination to apologise for starting the war in Iraq.

yep, apologising can be very good but demanding an apology is just a pathetic show of grievance and assertion of the upper hand. I can't imagine what sort of power crazed lunatic would demand an apology. I can imagine asking someone to do something about it - if it was a business I might think myself justified in asking for a refund - if it was a personal relationship I might ask the person to understand what bothered me and why I would prefer them not to do it again. But just demanding an apology for the sake of it is like asking a person to kneel down and say "you are right, I am wrong and I am a worm" just so you can sneer at them

What about when you have genuinely been hurt by someone else, and they don't offer an apology - what is the view on asking for an apology then?

For example - dh has, in the past, said some really hurtful things to me, and even when I have been in tears at how he has hurt me, it never occurs to him to apologise, unless prompted. Is it wrong of me to ask for an apology when I have really been hurt?

no I don't think so SDTG but I think you are only asking for an apology as a short hand for "please understand me, please don't talk to me again, please repair our relationship". asking for reparations or amendment in behaviour is something you can ask for because you need it, or it will do you some good. asking for an apology from someone you will never see again is just saying "I win NYAH"

I mean "please don't talk to me like that again"!

Yes - that is exactly it, vezzie - it is about needing some recognition of the hurt caused (because, in my mind, if the you don't realise you have caused hurt, then you aren't going to be more careful not to cause the same hurt next time - if that makes sense), not about 'winning'.

I think if you have to ask for an apology then it isn't an apology, it's just words he's speaking because you've asked him to.

I am one of those people who say sorry all the time, when people bump into me, when shop assistant drop the money I placed in their hand, when I almost close a door I've held open for the previous three people on the fourth.
It was second nature and I don't think I even realised just how much I did it until one day, dd (then 6) and myself were waiting for bus, we were at the front of the queue which was getting quite long, as bus approached the curb an older man used his stick to sort of push dd back and get in front of her, dd said sorry and moved back to let him through, I'm not proud of what I did next, it was heat of the moment and so unlike me but I basically told him if he had waited til the bus had stopped and opened it's doors he would have been getting on first as we always let elderly on first, he didn't need to push a child out of the way and it's good I think before I act otherwise he'd not be using stick to push another child due to it being somwhere the sun doesn't shine. A very embarrassing and uncomfortable bus ride followed, I'd asked dd why she felt she had to apologise when he pushed her and she'd said because I do it when people push and knock into me. I try not say it so much now but it does slip out every now and then and if that man hadn't got off bus at next stop I know I'd have apologised to him.

I think that I say 'sorry' a lot, often automatically, often as a way of diffusing a situation, so that a more productive discussion can take place. It's a bit like dancing really.

On the subject of expecting an apology - I have had two big stalemate situations where I've dropped all contact with people simply because they refused to acknowledge that they'd done me a big wrong - which they had. I get quite dug in about this. Probably not healthy.