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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel DH is being quite dictatorial...AIBU?

81 replies

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:36

DH wants us to visit his sister during half term. She has 3 children, we have 2, they get along really well.

SIL lives about a 3 and a half hour drive away. We will also be seeing them all at Christmas at parent in laws house which Shock is only now a couple of months away.

I would personally rather go for 2 nights, whereas he wants to go for 3.

That's not the only issue though.

He wants to play golf with BIL, also fair enough. However he wants to play "at least twice". In my experience, even if they get up and out by 8am, they are still seldom home much before early afternoon. In addition to this, there is something at work that has clashed with the annual leave he is taking during half term, and he is now saying he is thinking of getting the train to London one morning to attend this meeting before making his way back and presumably then playing golf.

My issue is this - I really don't want to go for 3 whole nights, particularly if in doing so he is not there all that much - leaving me at home with both sets of children and SIL making polite small talk and just supervising I guess! I wouldn't take him to see my family only to disappear for half of it doing various leisure activities of my own, leaving him with my family - it wouldn't be fair.

My preferred situation would be to drive there early one morning, stay that night, have the full day there the next day, stay that night and drive back the following day. During this time he could play golf once and take his time and really enjoy it, and spend the rest of the time with the rest of us. And now with this London meeting clash its even more of a reason, in my opinion, to make it a 2 night stay, and he can do the London meeting thing from here.

However, when I pitched this idea to him, he just said "well, you don't have to come then". I know I don't have to come - but its very "my way or the highway". I don't actually want to stay here for 3 nights without husband or children and no car! I suppose I could hire a car but its all so unnecessary when we could just compromise.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 22/10/2014 09:39

Yanbu, I think your suggestion actually works out the best especially with the meeting clash.
It seems though he has big plans to go out Golfing and leaving you to take care of the kids Hmm. It's not exactly a fun few days for you.

sunbathe · 22/10/2014 09:41

So, it's really a golfing trip?

KirjavaTheCat · 22/10/2014 09:42

Do you know SIL very well, would you consider yourselves to be friends? His work commitments have made a three-day stay inconvenient for everyone and he's not being flexible, because he wants to play an extra day of golf. Yanbu.

He's offered you an out though, I'd take it if I were you. His attitude would have put me off visiting at all.

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 09:44

So he goes alone then. With the kids.

HHacienda · 22/10/2014 09:45

I would do as Kirjava suggests and not go.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:47

I wouldn't say I'm "friends" with her, no. There is no issue there at all, I just don't have all that much in common with her and it might be a bit hard work spending all that time with her. In fairness, she may well feel the same way! I have lot more in common and a much more easy comfortable relationship with the other sister, who I know better.

The thing is I don't actually mind him playing a reasonable amount of golf over Xmas when they are all there - then its not just me and SIL, but the other sister, my older nieces and nephews who I am quite close to who are great with the kids, and parents in law. So you can get up and have breakfast, waft around the house a bit, maybe pop into town, etc without worrying too much about the kids - they tend to be well occupied and everything just slots in. So you can busy yourself between children, walk in the village, help MIL in the kitchen, that kind of thing, its not so intense with it just being me and SIL twiddling our thumbs...

OP posts:
Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:49

Not going is an option of course, but then its all about me being a miserable cow when really all I want is for him to hear my point of view and compromise. In days gone by 3 days of peace and quiet would have been bliss, but now the children are older (5 and 7) I quite like to spend time together as a family - only he wants to go and play golf.

I have no issue with him playing golf, don't get me wrong, but these circumstances suit him and nobody else.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 09:50

You are right and he is wrong

I'd take him at his word and just not go then

Coughle · 22/10/2014 09:51

If he goes with the kids will SIL be happy to look after them all day?

If not, then he is relying on you to do childcare so he can play golf, in which case it's up to you how many nights you stay. So yeah, I'd take him up on that offer and see how he goes about telling SIL the good news that she will be babysitting for 3 days.

GloopyGhoul · 22/10/2014 09:53

If you don't go, won't your SIL just get landed with looking after all the kids? Is she likely to tell her brother to do one in this scenario?

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 09:53

x-post

You not going doesn't make you a miserable cow -- that's what he wants you to think, so that you'll go along with what he wants. You need to resist that line of thinking.

Holidays should be pleasurable for the whole family. If you won't enjoy it, you shouldn't have to go. That's not being a cow, that's being an adult whose preferences should have equal weight.

Callani · 22/10/2014 09:55

YANBU - point out to your H that SIL is not going to want to lumbered with 5 kids to look after whilst him and her DH go off playing golf for 2 days. That might make him realise how UR he's being.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:56

That's one of the issues I have with not going as well - its not really fair on SIL and it sort of looks like I am shirking my responsibilities when in fact I feel he is too by not compromising about the golf thing.

I even said to him last night that if he wants a golf jolly, why doesn't he go off with BIL and grab a couple of other friends, hire a car, and leave me here with the kids one weekend - that's fine. He's entitled to some leisure time - I'd rather he compartmentalise the golf thing into a purpose-made weekend than try and mix it all up with a visit at half term. But I got the same "well don't go then" type issue which isn't really resolving it. It means I'm here on my own with no car, friends will all be busy doing half term things with their kids, and SIL gets lumbered with my lot when she has 3 of her own, including one who has just turned 4, to look after.

He's not getting it! I'm going to sit down with him tonight and discuss it properly and I needed to know if I was being a cow about it when I was fairly sure I wasn't...

OP posts:
1charlie1 · 22/10/2014 10:00

So does your DH intend to leave your SIL with sole charge of both sets of kids while he's off playing golf?

1charlie1 · 22/10/2014 10:01

I mean, if he goes without you!

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:01

Seriously, next time we all fly out to Melbourne (my home town) I may as well leave him at home with my parents, my aunt and the children whilst I fuck off and do the stuff I actually want to do when I am home without him.

But that would make me a selfish cow so why can't he see that what he is doing is a bit selfish? I think he thinks that because he's giving me the option not to go he's being super reasonable, but as a free thinking person who is not under arrest that is my choice, not some wonderful option he's giving me! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:01

1charlie1 - yes!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2014 10:01

So when he said "well, you don't have to come then" , did he mean just you, or you and the children?

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 10:02

No, I don't think you should send the kids to be looked after by SIL -- that's not fair to her.

What I meant was what you suggested here, that he should just go off and have a golf trip and not try to pretend it's a family holiday.

1charlie1 · 22/10/2014 10:02

Sorry, cross-post...

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 10:05

Tbh, I really doubt your SIL wants you there for three nights. Who would, unless it was someone you were close to?

Why can't he go there for three nights, leaving you with the children and the car?

He sounds really selfish.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:05

WhereYouLeftIt - no, he means just me, not me and the children.

Part of the purpose of the trip is that the children are very excited about meeting up with their cousins and I don't want to deny them that.

OP posts:
1charlie1 · 22/10/2014 10:07

You may find SIL will refuse to be used like this. I love my DNs but wouldn't agree to do this, especially if my SIL was at home!

whois · 22/10/2014 10:07

Ask DH why he thinks it's fair that SIL looks after 5 kids for 3 days while he golfs and londons and you stay home...

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:08

ImperialBlether I think he wants the best of both worlds. He wants the children to see their cousins, he wants to go for 3 nights to get plenty of time to do the things he wants, and he wants me to come too to facilitate the whole thing I guess.

I'd just rather he kept the golf thing separate, go off on a jolly one weekend leaving me to get on with things here (no problem with that), go on this trip but limit it to 2 nights, kids get to see the cousins, we get to catch up with family but as a family, we see them again at Christmas...it seems far more sensible to me.

OP posts: