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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel DH is being quite dictatorial...AIBU?

81 replies

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:36

DH wants us to visit his sister during half term. She has 3 children, we have 2, they get along really well.

SIL lives about a 3 and a half hour drive away. We will also be seeing them all at Christmas at parent in laws house which Shock is only now a couple of months away.

I would personally rather go for 2 nights, whereas he wants to go for 3.

That's not the only issue though.

He wants to play golf with BIL, also fair enough. However he wants to play "at least twice". In my experience, even if they get up and out by 8am, they are still seldom home much before early afternoon. In addition to this, there is something at work that has clashed with the annual leave he is taking during half term, and he is now saying he is thinking of getting the train to London one morning to attend this meeting before making his way back and presumably then playing golf.

My issue is this - I really don't want to go for 3 whole nights, particularly if in doing so he is not there all that much - leaving me at home with both sets of children and SIL making polite small talk and just supervising I guess! I wouldn't take him to see my family only to disappear for half of it doing various leisure activities of my own, leaving him with my family - it wouldn't be fair.

My preferred situation would be to drive there early one morning, stay that night, have the full day there the next day, stay that night and drive back the following day. During this time he could play golf once and take his time and really enjoy it, and spend the rest of the time with the rest of us. And now with this London meeting clash its even more of a reason, in my opinion, to make it a 2 night stay, and he can do the London meeting thing from here.

However, when I pitched this idea to him, he just said "well, you don't have to come then". I know I don't have to come - but its very "my way or the highway". I don't actually want to stay here for 3 nights without husband or children and no car! I suppose I could hire a car but its all so unnecessary when we could just compromise.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2014 10:10

Ah, cross-post.

You know, I think I'd stay behind. And let his sister rip him a new one. Let's see him try to make her feel like a miserable cow. (Which you are not, by the way.)

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 22/10/2014 10:11

just stay home with your kids and let him visit alone for his golf hol.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:12

Whois I suspect he'd be able to reconcile it by thinking its me who is being selfish by not going!

There's no compromise, that's what is grating here.

I'd like to point out that he's not usually like this, he's a very hands on father, but obviously feels strongly about this trip and what he wants out of it.

Like I said if the golf element is so important he really should do it separately and play golf once properly during this trip at a leisurely pace, knowing he can have a golf fix at another time. He will also get plenty of golf with BIL at Christmas, a mere 2 months away.

OP posts:
GloopyGhoul · 22/10/2014 10:12

Can you put it to him, like you have to us? That, if the roles were reversed, would he be happy to hang out with your family for three days and mind the kids whilst you were off having a jolly? Or would he just stubbornly insist that he wouldn't mind?!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/10/2014 10:12

If I was the SIL I would be raging at the assumption that it was acceptable to ditch me with loads of kids without prior request.my brother would not be doing so.

pictish · 22/10/2014 10:13

I don't actually want to stay here for 3 nights without husband or children
Does not compute.
Of course you want three glorious days all to yourself! Sounds like heaven!

In other news, your dh is selfish and thoughtless. I wouldn't agree to his terms in a million billion.
But then I'd be glad to stay at home.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:13

I don't think SIL would openly object to having the kids - she might feel some quiet resentment, and I worry it would be aimed at me not him, but it may be him who has convinced me of that.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 22/10/2014 10:17

Can you speak to SIL today before you speak to DH and explain to her what you would rather do. Then maybe she'll tell her DB to stop being a twat/selfish.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 10:20

Of course she doesn't want to look after your children as well as her own! He's being ridiculous.

Can you go for two nights and then you and the kids drive home, leaving him to get back another way?

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:23

I could pitch it to him ImperialBlether. Might give me a bit more wiggle room in terms of him thinking I'm being inflexible, if I give him that option. Then he can stay an extra night, play golf and get the train home. Its a pretty long train journey if he has to go via London then get back here but if its that important to him perhaps he will. At least I can pitch it as an option...

OP posts:
TheLovelyBoots · 22/10/2014 10:26

I wouldn't be very impressed. And, of course your SIL is not going to want to look after your children.

Coughle · 22/10/2014 10:31

So you're expecting him to consider your feelings and he's expecting you to do what you want. Ie you're both expecting the other to do what you do.

Callani · 22/10/2014 10:35

I think you need to talk to your SIL here and say "I'm ever so sorry, DH wants to dump you with 5 kids for 3 days and I know that isn't reasonable - could you maybe get BIL to talk to him?"

And at the same time point out to your DH that the only person happy with his plan is him!

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:39

He wants me to do what he wants...I would like him to compromise by slicing one night and one golf trip off the agenda to make it a nice short family break with more of an emphasis on everyone spending time together rather than boys go off and do boy things whilst the girls do girl things (i.e look after children). That's a bit how it feels anyway, Coughle.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/10/2014 10:42

How does a relationship get to the point where you have to 'pitch it to him' and persuade him to see your point of view?

I would happily stay at home and let him think me selfish. I would be fine with that and get on doing some things I wanted to do for a change. And I would tell him, 'you can think what you like, I'm not the one dumping five children on SIL and pissing off for a selfish jolly'.

And I would smile sweetly and say 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out knobhead'

shushpenfold · 22/10/2014 10:46

....ahh this brings back memories of some of my dh's Uni friends, who were mostly of the opinion that we'd all have family weekends together and the 'boys' would play touch rugby and then go to the pub for a couple and the 'girls' would chat, make dinner and look after the kids. Frankly I'd rather play touch! My dh stopped going on many of them as we both felt the same thank goodness.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 10:50

Well Fairenuff I guess we are having a difference of opinion and I'm trying to resolve it to everyone's satisfaction, which may or may not be possible.

I think he is taking my SIL for granted.

He feels she doesn't mind as she is the one who works outside the home so when she is on leave she likes to spend all her time with her children. But I don't think she necessarily wants to spend all that time with mine. Or me for that matter. He obviously hasn't considered this.

Perhaps she doesn't mind, but I wouldn't necessarily rely on her to be honest and just say no, that's not good for me. I don't even know if she realises how much they want to play golf.

Its a bit awkward.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 11:12

Your poor SIL! She's the full time worker and then he's expecting to take up over half of her week off looking after his children? How selfish is that!

Phone your SIL and say, "Listen, I know you must be knackered and looking forward to half term. Your brother is suggesting that we stay for three nights and stay home to look after the children while he and BIL go out to play golf. I think that's too much for you - you need some time with BIL and your children. What about two nights? Will you back me up on this?"

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 11:14

Pitch THIS to him:

"How would you feel if you were looking forward to your week off and my sister came to stay for three nights and said, 'Oh it's OK, he can stay and mind the kids while we go shopping for two days'?"

He'd have a bloody fit.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 11:21

Its not a good situation is it. I need to talk to him tonight, I will report back.

OP posts:
badtime · 22/10/2014 11:22

Why don't you call her?

She won't want that to happen any more than you do.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 11:26

Well, firstly she'll be at work, so can't call her at the moment. Don't really have a "ring her up" kind of relationship, though I could, but I suspect if I rang her she'd say "oh don't worry, its fine" regardless to be polite and it will achieve nothing. I need to talk to DH first and she will probably think its odd if I ring her...I don't really know her that well!

If I was to ring her to say "we are only coming for 2 nights because this that and the other" she wouldn't think that odd, but I suspect she'd find it odd if I rang her without first coming to some kind of agreement with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 11:26

To be honest I don't even have her phone number!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 22/10/2014 11:27

"I'm trying to resolve it to everyone's satisfaction"

^^ This is your problem. You want there to be a solution which he is happy with.

But at the same time, he is also assuming that there will be a solution that he is happy with.

Him being happy is the centre of his planning, and everyone else's needs and wishes are being pushed into the 'nice to have but not important' category.

You need to make it clear to him that you and SIL do not exist to facilitate his golf trips, and that this is not a solution that is acceptable.

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 12:36

If he were my brother and tried this on me I'd tell him to sling his hook.