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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel DH is being quite dictatorial...AIBU?

81 replies

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 09:36

DH wants us to visit his sister during half term. She has 3 children, we have 2, they get along really well.

SIL lives about a 3 and a half hour drive away. We will also be seeing them all at Christmas at parent in laws house which is only now a couple of months away.

I would personally rather go for 2 nights, whereas he wants to go for 3.

That's not the only issue though.

He wants to play golf with BIL, also fair enough. However he wants to play "at least twice". In my experience, even if they get up and out by 8am, they are still seldom home much before early afternoon. In addition to this, there is something at work that has clashed with the annual leave he is taking during half term, and he is now saying he is thinking of getting the train to London one morning to attend this meeting before making his way back and presumably then playing golf.

My issue is this - I really don't want to go for 3 whole nights, particularly if in doing so he is not there all that much - leaving me at home with both sets of children and SIL making polite small talk and just supervising I guess! I wouldn't take him to see my family only to disappear for half of it doing various leisure activities of my own, leaving him with my family - it wouldn't be fair.

My preferred situation would be to drive there early one morning, stay that night, have the full day there the next day, stay that night and drive back the following day. During this time he could play golf once and take his time and really enjoy it, and spend the rest of the time with the rest of us. And now with this London meeting clash its even more of a reason, in my opinion, to make it a 2 night stay, and he can do the London meeting thing from here.

However, when I pitched this idea to him, he just said "well, you don't have to come then". I know I don't have to come - but its very "my way or the highway". I don't actually want to stay here for 3 nights without husband or children and no car! I suppose I could hire a car but its all so unnecessary when we could just compromise.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Icimoi · 22/10/2014 12:46

When I read your original post my thought was that the reality is that he primarily wants a golfing holiday with his BIL, and that if that's the case they can do it any time of year, not during half term. If he's taking time off at half term it would surely make sense to optimise that by spending the time with his children. It's even more insane when he is also factoring into the mix wasting a lot of time making an extra journey to London and back.

But in general I think all your proposals are eminently reasonable. The problem is that in his mind there are only two alternatives, his way or you staying at home. He needs to be able to explain why there isn't any compromise for him, and why he thinks his sister/SIL would be happy to spend her time off looking after his children.

Dropdeadfred2 · 22/10/2014 12:56

agree with icimoi....is there a reason why he will not compromise?

Original poster

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 12:59

Thanks Icimoi, I agree. That's why I'm a bit miffed about the whole thing.

I think he feels he is being reasonable simply because he's given me the option not to go. Well, I always have the option not to go, being a free thinking adult and all that , what I actually would like is a proper discussion about other ways in which we can all do the trip, he can still play golf, but it doesn't involve being away for 3 whole nights and it doesn't include such a large chunk of daytime with him being absent.

I don't think he is considering his sister's part in all this, whether she is on her own with the 5 children or on her own with me and the 5 children, and he doesn't really see why I should be miffed about it, yet I'm certain he'd be miffed if I pulled the same stunt on him in a reverse situation.

In fairness the London thing is beyond his control and a cock up with a client, which he's rather not have to deal with. As it is unavoidable, I am increasingly frustrated because it makes even more sense now to only go for 2 nights.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 22/10/2014 13:04

Let him go up with the children. You join them by train for the hours you'd like to be there.

Would that work?

Fairenuff · 22/10/2014 13:20

He doesn't want to compromise so he's not going to be reasonable about this. If he was, he would have done that already.

He has got his time worked out. He is looking forward to getting in some leisure time with his BIL, whilst you are there minding the kids and preparing a lovely meal for him to come back to.

He really doesn't want you to stay behind because that means he will make a fool of himself by leaving his children for his sister to entertain and look after for two whole days. He will look an idiot if he does that and he knows it.

So he is putting pressure on you to go even though you don't want to be left with someone you barely know and have no real connection with, other than family ties.

You need to be absolutely firm with him and tell him that you are not going. Call his bluff. Do it this once and he won't try it on again. Tell him that it's not a good arrangement for you and as he doesn't want to compromise, you will just stay at home and catch up on some 'me' time.

He may be angry, he may try to bully you into going, he may call you selfish. So what. You can even say, 'Yes, I am being selfish for once. I am thinking about me because if I don't no-one else will'. Stand firm and you will get results.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 13:27

So you don't even know her well enough to phone her for a chat and he's wanting you to stay with her for three days while he goes swanning off?

And she's working full time and he thinks she won't mind having five children on her own?

Is he insane?

fullsuspension · 22/10/2014 13:46

Sorry but the kids would either be staying at home with me during half term in these circumstances or I would be taking them to visit my parents. I can't abide men who think women exist purely to facilitate their choices.

He'll be asking you to make a cricket tea next

Penfold007 · 22/10/2014 14:15

So this is a thinly disguised golf jolly. You have options; let him cope with the kids on his own and you enjoy a relaxing break or you and the kids stay home whilst he goes away on the train. His DSis willed be thrilled with him.

whois · 22/10/2014 14:21

Don't you even have SILs email address? Defo think getting in touch with her is the right idea.

Original poster

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 15:59

I don't have her email address, no. I could probably find it.

I don't necessarily think going to her with it is going to resolve the issue - the issue is that he thinks it is acceptable to do what he proposes and I don't agree. Me blabbing to her or trying to get her on side isn't likely to change his attitude. Its him I have to communicate with.

If the result is that I am not going because I don't like the way he's planned it out and his unwillingness to compromise, I may well decide to get hold of her email address and make my apologies to her directly and the reasons why - so at least she doesn't think I think its a good idea and that he's not giving me many options. Then if she has an issue with the childcare element then she can direct it at him. It may be that she doesn't have an issue.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 22/10/2014 16:06

I agree that there is no need to get your SIL involved but just let her know who is coming, so that she can plan sleeping arrangements, meals, etc. Or better still, tell dh to let her know once you've both decided.

mummytime · 22/10/2014 16:15

I think letting her know he is coming without you but with the kids, at his insistence is a good idea. If she is fine with it, then do something nice yourself - I'm sure plenty here can suggest some lovely things to do with no DH and no kids.

Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 16:20

Yanbu. I would personally not go and not let him take the kids. He could then explain to BIL and SIL why he was there alone.

longjane · 22/10/2014 16:26

I think you ring your SIL and thank her for offering to look after your kids for 3 day while here brother goes golfing and working .

Then say I think it very unfair of brother to do this , and if you don't want to do it she can say no.

Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 17:27

Yes, also if I was SIL I would tell my brother to sling his hook!

AMumInScotland · 22/10/2014 17:46

I think you're right not to try to 'get round' the situation by involving SIL at this stage. The problem is the fact that your DH is not paying attention or taking your views into account - and that has to be addressed directly between you and him. You may not get an answer you are happy with, but you need to start establishing the fact that, no matter what is convenient to him or anyone else, he can't simply decide how a family trip is going to be organised without your full involvement and agreement.

If he wants to go away for 3 nights and play golf 'at least twice' then he doesn't get to pretend that it's a family holiday, or to assume that the wives and children will all just 'get along' for the duration.

WitchWay · 22/10/2014 17:59

I'd ring your SIL & explain & ask her if she could make it clear that a 3 night stay is no longer convenient as something has come up.

Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 18:05

What on earth is the point of you going if he is going to play golf "at least twice"? And why has he bothered to take time off in half term if he is going to spend it playing golf?

Playing golf once, maybe OK.

Anything else, forget it.

CrotchMaven · 22/10/2014 18:06

He's treating you as default childcare. Surely when when neither of you are at work, then you share the minding the children? Did he ask if you'd look after the children whilst he plays golf?

It's pretty arrogant (me being polite) of him to assume rather than ask.

Tough conversation in order, I think.

Original poster

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 19:27

Its true that on this occasion CrotchMaven (?!) he is treating both me and SIL as default childcare. He doesn't usually - he possibly figures that because there are 2 of us it doesn't matter so much but I'd actually rather he did it here at home occasionally (obviously with prior agreement) so I could arrange something with friends or just spend the day how I want but being thrown into a situation where I am having to hang out with SIL and her kids and mine is making me uncomfortable. I wouldn't do it to him when we stay with my parents so I'm not sure why it is acceptable in his mind to do it to me.

I will be speaking to him shortly so I will raise that point too.

I totally get that he wants to play golf and particularly with BIL who was his golf partner before he moved to where he lives now. But the prescriptive "we're going, I'm playing golf, you don't have to come" is not a method I want to see going forward. If he's doing it that way because he thinks its the only way he gets to play golf or visit his family, he is quite wrong, and I need to raise it with him to discuss alternative ways of making this happen to everyone's satisfaction without anyone having assumptions made about them (me, SIL, etc)

OP posts:

Vivacia · 22/10/2014 19:37

Go Tatty!

HappyAgainOneDay · 22/10/2014 20:44

Would the SIL refuse to look after the visiting two children so they'd have to go with their father while he's playing golf?

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/10/2014 20:50

Could you talk to SIL and tell her to refuse to look after the kids whilst he plays golf and report back to you who will be at home alone having a great time?

Mintyy · 22/10/2014 20:58

Just don't go. He really is being an utter cock.

But he owes you big style for some other child-free jolly. Rally round your female friends and book something in now.

Original poster

TattyDevine · 22/10/2014 21:02

Quick update - the trip is off as he is now going to be abroad on a business trip for most of half term.

So I will still be having this conversation with him, but other stuff is happening work-wise, so right now is not the right time particularly as now something just kicked off upstairs with the kids and now we are all in a state of stress!

I will have the conversation, and I will update when I do.

I suspect even though the trip is off his total "this is how it is, like it or lump it" attitude from yesterday has faded today anyway. I will still be calling him on it though.

Thanks for all your thoughts, its an eye-opener.

OP posts:

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