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Original poster

About friend moving out without her son

307 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 21/10/2014 10:26

I'm prepared for a flaming as I suppose my opinions on this are uncharacteristically sexist.

My friend has ended her relationship with her DP, they have a 3 year old DS and my friend is a SAHP. I understand her reasoning completely as the spark was gone, he works very long hours etc, but she has chosen to move out without her little boy. I'm finding it so hard to support her in this as I really don't understand it, her DS adores her and she has so much freedom to do her own thing, nights out, holidays without him, a very good support system etc.
She still plans to see him and be a part of his life so maybe I'm being judgmental and dramatic?

Has anyone been in a similar situation where they've had to support a friend through something they just felt was so wrong?

OP posts:
aprilanne · 21/10/2014 13:56

personally i think its really selfish of her ..she has been a sahp to this little soul for 3 years .now he is to be dumped in a nursery .3 days then visit mummy the other two .my hubby worked long hours and a lot of the time i hardly saw him .i done most childcare .all the housework /washing whatever .hell would have froze over before i would have left them .its hard being a parent but he is only a baby .sorry but she is terrible .

weegiemum · 21/10/2014 13:56

I had (am now NC) a mother who left when I was 12 and my siblings were 10 and 4. She ran off with my Dad's best friend. They'd been shagging for ages.

My dad is the greatest "mother" I'll ever have. And 2nd on the list is my fabby stepmum.

Now I'm glad that she left us behind. She never wanted to see us at Christmas, on birthdays etc and fairly soon after the split moved to London then France which cut down the visits as you might expect.

She cares for no one but herself and I refuse to enter into her drama any more.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 14:00

now he is to be dumped in a nursery

Hmm dumped?

WerkSupp · 21/10/2014 14:04

She sounds flighty, spoilt, self-centred and immature. That child is probably better off with his father.

UptheChimney · 21/10/2014 14:06

I would assume that her DH is so hands off with parenting that shes thought "fuck it, let him see how hard it is" and walked out

That was my first thought too. Tough on the child though ...

Fathers do this all the time and we don't judge them like this.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 14:09

It doesn't matter IMO who the parent is that leaves there will still be disruption to the dc.

Of course there's going to be more disruption if the parent who leaves has always been the SAHP, spending all day with the child, while the other parent works long hours.

She's a brave woman, who doesn't care what others will say and IMO rightly so!

In some cases, the disapproval of other people is a good thing if it stops you doing something selfish. I don't think she's brave at all.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 14:11

Fathers do this all the time and we don't judge them like this.

They don't, though. Because not that many fathers are SAHPs for three years in the first place.

m0therofdragons · 21/10/2014 14:28

Don't we judge men? I would judge a man who does this. Yes it's more common but even my dh is saying he would judge. My best friend's dh walked out when her youngest was 3 months old and she had a 15 month old. I think he's pathetic and not an example of a good father. I am polite as I love his dc and would never let them see my hated for what their father did.

aprilanne · 21/10/2014 14:28

she is certainly not brave .leaving a baby when you are its main carer is not brave .selfish yes .but then if she thinks so little of the little boy maybe he is better off without her .

MissMole · 21/10/2014 14:28

Is the child already in nursery?
If so the transition will not be as tough.
Possibly the mother is being selfless allowing the child the continuity of staying in the family home most of the time.

QuillPen · 21/10/2014 14:39

She doesn't sound very nice from what OP has said: especially the line about wanting the child to stay with the father to stop him meeting anyone else. That is weird, controlling and mean and sounds like she is doing it for selfish reasons and not for her childs benefit.

Ideally, she should have got herself a job and put the boy in nursery and seen if that change of lifestyle made a difference to her, but even if she then decided to leave, she would have at least eased the child into the new situation. Whatever people say, this is going to be a massive massive change in the childs life. All day everyday and night with his mum, to only seeing her during the day 2 days a week (OP hasn't mentioned weekends.)

Aside from all that, from the way you have written about your friend, it makes it sounds as if you don't like her very much for what she is doing. YOU don't agree with her decision, maybe you should detect yourself from her.

BrendaBlackhead · 21/10/2014 14:54

She's a brave woman, who doesn't care what others will say and IMO rightly so!

Good Lord! I think I've seen everything now.

Aristocratic women used to do this all the time, because they had the back-up. They really weren't the primary carer (or in some cases any carer). In the case of the OP's friend, she has been there 24/7 for her little boy, and now has clearly had enough. It's not brave to abandon him. It's unbelievably selfish. It would be brave to get a job, try to work things out, face up to her dp and get him more involved, etc etc. Quitting on a child is not like deciding that being a, I don't know, payroll clerk is not for you. It's not something that can be shrugged off as a bit of a unfortunate detour in your life. It is your life and whether it is a man or a woman thinking of leaving, horribly disrupting the life of a child is just plain wrong.

aermingers · 21/10/2014 15:00

I have to say, perhaps if this woman isn't at all attached to her son and doesn't really want to be his parent or care much about him, as some people are suggesting. Well maybe it's better he's not with her much of the time, kids can tell if you're faking it.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 15:04

Quitting on a child is not like deciding that being a, I don't know, payroll clerk is not for you.

Quitting? So in your analogy quitting from the role of payroll clerk would mean cutting down to two days a week? I think that's actually known as reducing your hours and not quitting. Quitting means completely done, gone, never to return. Which clearly isnt what is happening here.

Lots of people stating something that isnt actually happening.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2014 15:12

"She just wants the relationship to end and I think she resents the fact that for that to happen in the "standard way", she will be the one left looking after DS. She has also expressed concern that it would be a lot easier for exDP to meet someone if she took DS (as has been the way with a lot of friends when a split occurs)"

I have only read the OPs posts. I absolutely AM judging this woman. She doesn't want to continue her relationship with her exDP; absolutely fine. But then, she doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. So, she'll use her son, her own child, as a barrier to her ex moving on from the relationship she chose to end. WTAF Shock? SHe doesn't see her son as a person in his own right, just as an encumbrance she doesn't want to take care of, but she can use him to keep his daddy 'off the market'.

OP, your friend is one selfish nasty piece of work.

And as for making sure her ex stays single - is that as a backup? To go back to, just in case the single life doesn't work out for her? Nasty, nasty woman Angry.

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 15:14

That's total guesswork on the OPs part.

HaroldLloyd · 21/10/2014 15:17

She isn't walking out of his life. She is leaving the main residence, setting up her own residence where she will have him for at least 2 days a week, I would imagine more but then I am not going to totally guess as I don't know.

It's a little unusual in that it's normally the father that does that.

Maybe she hung on until he was three, who knows. He will shortly be starting nursery anyway.

Children up and down the country all over the bleeding world habe to get used to new routines with childcare.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you sign up to doing it FOREVER AND EVER.

There could be all manner of reasons why they have decided to split in this way.

MassaAttack · 21/10/2014 15:22

fishe we are not married and my name isn't on the deeds or mortgage.

My options are to stay, which is intolerant for all concerned, or to move out and set up a second family home for ds.

Do people think I'm evil, heartless, grasping?

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:28

So what if he's starting nursery? This isn't about getting used to new childcare. His mother was there all the time, and now he's not only starting new childcare, but she's not there when he wakes up in the morning, or getting ready for nursery, or afterwards, or for bedtime, or if he wakes in the night - and so on.

It's not that she doesn't want to be the SAHP anymore, it's that she also doesn't even want to live with him!

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 15:30

Where did OP say her friend doesnt want to live with her son?

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:35

She says her friend has 'chosen to move out without her son'. She's not being kicked out. She's choosing to end the relationship, and set up house without him.

sanfairyanne · 21/10/2014 15:35

are you planning on leaving your ds behind, Massa?

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 15:37

She says her friend has 'chosen to move out without her son'

That's right. Which part says she doesnt want to live with him?

KoalaDownUnder · 21/10/2014 15:38

If she wanted to live with him, she'd either stay where she was or try to take him with her.

DiaDuit · 21/10/2014 15:42

she'd either stay where she was
So living with a man she was no longer in a relationship with or forcing him to leave?

try to take him with her.

Even if that would cause more disruption for the child than moving him to a new house/bed and no dad?

Wanting to live with your child and doing whats best for them arent the same thing.