Or is he? I really don't know anymore!

[Sausagebean]

Okay, so this will out me if any friends read it but I need to know if IABU or not

Rather long, but here goes...
I have an 8 year old car and DH has a very unpractical 2 seater TT (company car). He has his own company & for tax reasons decided that he would get a utility vehicle as a company car. I thought he would then sell the TT to save the company uneccessary costs, but he's tried to persuade me to drive his TT so he could keep it, and he would drive the truck. This would mean selling my perfectly reasonable family sized Toyota.
We have a 7 year old & a 9 month old & he seems to think it's okay for us to constantly be swapping cars so that whoever has the kids has the truck. When I go back to work in January he would drop the kids & I would take the TT but then would have to go to his work to swap cars before I could collect the children after school/crèche.
I agreed to trying the truck out, as things are tight financially for me & with 2 cars in the company it wouldn't cost me anything if I got rid of my car. However, after having tried it, the truck seems totally impractical to me.

• There's no hard back on it, just a roller blind type cover which means it's not waterproof & because we can't fit anything in the cab (no extra space) everything in the back could get wet, inc dd's buggy.
• There is nowhere for me to change dd's nappy (at the moment I do it in my boot - so she's covered if it's raining).
• I can't open the back one handed (when the baby's in my arms) as it's too heavy.
• After just a few days of driving it my hip started to hurt from climbing up into it.
• It's massive & parking would be difficult in quite a few places.

I have been majorly stressing about what to do, and felt sick at the thought of selling my car. Anyway, my dad offered me some money to put towards a new car as mine needed work doing to it, but dh got really cross when I suggested I upgrade my car (I thought it would save me money in the long run as a younger car would be cheaper to run) and he suggested that I keep my car after all.
He's not happy - I get the impression he wants the best of both worlds - keeping both the cars he wants & not taking into consideration mine & the kids needs.
I'm out a lot, and drive a huge amount. When I return to work every minute will count and I know it will stress me out having to change cars, lugging bags/baby between them and not even being happy with the car I'm driving. One of my friends thinks DH is being very selfish, but I don't know as I can see the benefit to me financially of doing what he suggests... It would just make life too difficult I think.

Yesterday my car went in for a service, and it cost a fortune. DH is cross with me as he sees it as an unnecessary cost as, as far as he's concerned, I should've sold my car by now. He paid the bill but says I have to pay him back, although where I will get the money from I don't know

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it if you've got this far! I could really do with some perspective on this - I've thought & stressed about it so much that I now can't think clearly about it...

Tell him from your point of view, this isnt the beginning of the arguing, it is the beginning of bullying. If this really is new, if he really is going into some sort of afraid his life will be like his parents so he is subconsciously creating the situation, he needs to take a long, hard, look. Does he really want to be the man that bullies his wife and eventually his children into meekly accepting his decisions out of fear and distress?

If he owns the company, then he can 'pay' himself with whatever car is needed and he needs to make this choice based on what the family needs right now. For goodness sake, a well made choice now could bloody well last their entire childhood so you neednt have this discussion again until you want a soft top sports car in your middle age! He also needs to look into how he can 'pay' into a family account so that he doesnt leave his wife living on her own wage like a single parent with him doling out financial favors on his terms only like a wealthy relative!

i am sorry, but I really dont think you can back down for the sake of short term peace. i dont know what form his parents arguments took, but if this really is new, I think you MUST take this one chance to insist that your arguments will not take the form of him bullying and you conceding and if that is his plan, then you will just skip 'all the arguments' and move to the next step. If he doesnt want all the arguments, then he needs to learn not to impose his preferences via bullying but discuss and come to decisions jointly.

He also needs to discuss with his accountant how to pay himself an actual wage or otherwise create a cash flow into your joint account. Yes, his tax situation may change, but the point of a business isn't to avoid taxes, it is to create income. He has lost the plot on that, he isnt interpreting accounting and tax law for himself? My dSIL (US chartered accountant equivalent) says most times when she has to sort out a family business or closely held corporation, the worst of the mess comes from the owner being fixated on a few things they 'know' about accounting, taxes, and legal stuff without knowing enough to understand context or options available as the business grows and circumstances change.

I think his wife/family is important to him.... as an adjunct of him, that makes him look nice, normal and agreeable and tags along with his every whim, but not if they have any needs that don't suit him.

OP can you see that some husbands would have said "OMG, DW is really going to suffer from this daft arrangement I'm proposing, I didn't think. Maybe I have to compromise." Instead he's doing his utmost to maintain a position where only he matters and what you want is irrelevant. Whether it takes railroading you into agreeing with his plan with arguments about money (which are specious because he controls that money and could decide to use it otherwise if he chose), bullying, sulking, wailing that you're turning into his parents - he knows which buttons to press to make you think "Oh poor him".

I'd pull him up on it. "I see what you are doing, but the fact remains that we need a family car now." "I see that you are trying to bully me and sulk, but the fact remains that we need a family car now." "I see that you are trying to make me sorry for you by saying this is like your parents arguing, but actually asking for fair treatment and for the family's needs to be met does not make me your parents." Two can play at wearing down.

Of course you don't like confrontation, I'm not surprised, he's made damn sure that if you try it the results are extremely unpleasant for you. And he's done it so well that you feel sorry for him and feel bad for upsetting him.

I would be taking this opportunity to tell him you want a full financial review to change the set-up so he doesn't get to control the finances because why the hell should he? Are you equals or not? I'd be interested to hear what he says.

And Alice is right, backing down sends this message loud and clear: "You;re right DH, our needs don't matter and I shouldn't be heard. Do carry on treating me like a doormat."

If tax and the money from a car sale coming to him is such a big issue, I don't see why the company can't sell the TT followed by the company buying him a different and more practical car.

I agree with other posters - you are being manipulated. He's not trying to make your life easier, he's trying to find reasons to not have to.

Agree with everyone else. You're being played like a violin. He's working through every trick in the controller's handbook. Shouting, sulking, manipulation, shaming and emotional blackmail.
He is wrong and you are right, but off you trot and soothe his harrowed brow nevertheless. He matters far more than you.

I hate the idea that I would push things too far and do irreparable damage to our relationship.

OP, the person who would damage the relationship is the person who is behaving unreasonably.

In this case, your husband is ignoring the needs of your family and sulking at the slightest hint that he might not get his own way.

You are asking that your family's needs be considered and that you are treated with respect.

Which do you think would be more damaging to a relationship?

I'll apologise for sounding so disdainful down there. I actually do appreciate the place in which you find yourself on this one. I know that you don't want the discord and bad feeling. I know his anger upsets you and you just want it to stop. You don't think digging your heels in over this one is worth it. I understand.

What some of us also understand is that this is the thin end of the wedge. If you agree to his unjustifiably selfish terms on something as important as this, you are saying "have a tantrum, and I'll back off".
I don't think that is a dynamic that ought to take hold within your marriage...do you?

The TT is a whim. You know as well as we do, that it's dead wood.

He is proposing to place you below the bloody car in terms of priority. I think it's imperative that you refuse to go.
He's getting a great big manly truck isn't he? He's a fortunate man. He's a fortunate man with a family.
If he won't get a grip, you'll have to.

Good bloody luck!

He paid the bill but says I have to pay him back, although where I will get the money from I don't know

I suggest that when he tells you that you need to repay him for this, that you present him with an itemised bill of your own... childcare, laundry, PA, food service, and so on.

I do not understand this "pay him back" stuff nor the "he won't help me get another car" nonsense. Either your partners and you work towards common goals or you're not. (sadly, it seems you're not, as he is obviously not working WITH you)

If the TT is owned by the business then it will be a fixed asset and held at depreciated cost. This should be broadly similar to its actual value (that's the point of depreciation). Any tax payable will be due on the profit ie the sale proceeds less the cost and given the accounting approach this shouldn't be significant. The cash proceeds can then be invested in a far more sensible car. He's talking crap about having to pay massive taxes.

Well, after a day of me literally feeling sick about the whole situation, dh has apologised for having said everything he said yesterday and over the last few days - he said it was ridiculous, and it shouldn't be that big a deal. He met someone today who has an 18 year old son with a possibly inoperable brain tumor and he said that really it's not important who drives what car - if I want to keep my car I can, and we'll still be able to get me a new car in a couple of years.
To say I am relieved is an understatement!! Can't stop thinking about the poor boy, and his family though, they must be distraught

Thank goodness Op. And in future... stick to your guns.
Now sit him down and have a conversation about your JOINT income and how it will be dealt with more equitably in the future. He should not be ending up with more disposable income than you. And you should not be bearing the costs associated with "your" car alone. It's a family vehicle, the only one owned that is suitable for the whole family to use.
Maybe Google financial abuse and let him have a read. Move this to an equal partnership, because at the moment it really isn't.

I'm really glad he's come to his senses, incredible sad that it's taken that for him to realise.

It would have been a huge huge pain to do what he was suggesting, the inconvenience of switching would have grated on you every day.

That's good news sausagebean. It is terribly sad about the 18yo but I think that's a bit of a red herring that DH has used to allow him to save face (I'm not dissing him for that, it's understandable). The reason he has seen sense is actually because you did stand up to him and insisted on putting your POV and pointing out he was being ridiculous. Well done because if you had just rolled over he wouldn't have seen something that perhaps he now has seen - that you and his kids also have feelings and needs and a right to fair treatment.

Agree with Vycount about your finances - use this as a chance to talk about it.

I was just about to write "Woah, OP, red flags all over this situation" then I read your latest update. I'm glad he's come to his senses, for whatever reason.

However, there are still some red flags waving. Basically, he is threatening you with divorce if you don’t do what he says – despite third parties (your dad and your friends) agreeing that it’s a crazy idea.

For the sake of our relationship I think I'm going to have to back down
Not unless you want your relationship to be that he makes whatever stupid decisions he likes, and you aren’t allowed to disagree with him, ever.

Please DO NOT let him bully you like this ever again. You have done really well to stand up to him, you were NOT being unreasonable, and this could very well have become the beginning of the end if you had caved in. Well done for standing up for yourself, and keep doing it otherwise, believe me, things really will get worse. Nip this in the bud.

I still don't understand why the company can't buy a more family friendly car?