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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he? I really don't know anymore!

114 replies

Sausagebean · 21/10/2014 08:13

Okay, so this will out me if any friends read it but I need to know if IABU or not Confused

Rather long, but here goes...
I have an 8 year old car and DH has a very unpractical 2 seater TT (company car). He has his own company & for tax reasons decided that he would get a utility vehicle as a company car. I thought he would then sell the TT to save the company uneccessary costs, but he's tried to persuade me to drive his TT so he could keep it, and he would drive the truck. This would mean selling my perfectly reasonable family sized Toyota.
We have a 7 year old & a 9 month old & he seems to think it's okay for us to constantly be swapping cars so that whoever has the kids has the truck. When I go back to work in January he would drop the kids & I would take the TT but then would have to go to his work to swap cars before I could collect the children after school/crèche.
I agreed to trying the truck out, as things are tight financially for me & with 2 cars in the company it wouldn't cost me anything if I got rid of my car. However, after having tried it, the truck seems totally impractical to me.

  • There's no hard back on it, just a roller blind type cover which means it's not waterproof & because we can't fit anything in the cab (no extra space) everything in the back could get wet, inc dd's buggy.
  • There is nowhere for me to change dd's nappy (at the moment I do it in my boot - so she's covered if it's raining).
  • I can't open the back one handed (when the baby's in my arms) as it's too heavy.
  • After just a few days of driving it my hip started to hurt from climbing up into it.
  • It's massive & parking would be difficult in quite a few places.

I have been majorly stressing about what to do, and felt sick at the thought of selling my car. Anyway, my dad offered me some money to put towards a new car as mine needed work doing to it, but dh got really cross when I suggested I upgrade my car (I thought it would save me money in the long run as a younger car would be cheaper to run) and he suggested that I keep my car after all.
He's not happy - I get the impression he wants the best of both worlds - keeping both the cars he wants & not taking into consideration mine & the kids needs.
I'm out a lot, and drive a huge amount. When I return to work every minute will count and I know it will stress me out having to change cars, lugging bags/baby between them and not even being happy with the car I'm driving. One of my friends thinks DH is being very selfish, but I don't know as I can see the benefit to me financially of doing what he suggests... It would just make life too difficult I think.

Yesterday my car went in for a service, and it cost a fortune. DH is cross with me as he sees it as an unnecessary cost as, as far as he's concerned, I should've sold my car by now. He paid the bill but says I have to pay him back, although where I will get the money from I don't know Confused

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it if you've got this far! I could really do with some perspective on this - I've thought & stressed about it so much that I now can't think clearly about it...

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 22/10/2014 09:10

The TT has to go unless it can become (affordably) thr families third car. He's bring very childish and selfish.

Theresadogonyourballs · 22/10/2014 09:19

I have a lovely, lovely friend who has a DH like this. Their kids are older, (2 also). He is similar in so many ways - 'It's my money, I earned it, here's your allowance (pittance)', 'Yes, I do need my two seater sports car, even though I only use it once in a blue moon', 'You want me to babysit while you go out for a drink for an hour? I am very tired you know', 'The kids clothes and shoes are your responsibility'. Etc etc etc.
He wears expensive clothes, goes on weekends away, (without her and the kids), has pricey hobbies. My dear friend has holes in her clothes and shoes and drives an ancient rustbucket around. She has recently started a part time job, which she fits around the kids, he sees this an excuse to give her even less money.
The saddest part about this? She is so used to it that she sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. Any implied criticism of him is met with excuses and reasons why he 'deserves' a better lifestyle than the rest of his family, ('He works so hard!!'). It breaks my heart.

pictish · 22/10/2014 09:29

Aw but the poor bloke needs two penis extensions to show the world what an alpha male he reckons he is. A big fuck off jumbo truck, and an Audi.
Who gives a stuff about the wife and kids when there's posturing to do?

PerpendicularKitten · 22/10/2014 11:24

He is being ridiculous. If he wants you to drive his flash car for him then why doesn't he swap the TT for a s4 or something? TT's are not all that really, they do look like a penis extension car. IMO the s4 is more 'I have kids and I'm happy with that...but I can still go FAST (if I want to)'.

Original poster
Sausagebean · 22/10/2014 14:05

Aherdofmims you will be pleased to know that I have put my foot down Grin Thanks to all your replies I am more sure that I am in the right, so this morning I told him that we needed two cars with four seats in the family. He said that his idea was a compromise, I disagreed and told him it is ridiculous.

I appreciate everyone's input, but the thing is he's a lovely man, with his heart in the right place. He just has funny idea's sometimes Confused He's SO sure he's in the right that he can't see my point of view at all, and told me this morning that I'm not even willing to try his idea out. This stems from a bit of a miscommunication - I originally said I'd try the truck out when he got it, but he heard 'yes I'll try out your brilliant idea'. He is adamant I meant this, when I know I didn't, so he feels like I've copped out of what was a fabulous plan.

He's still pissed off about the cost of the repairs on Monday - it really was a shockingly huge amount, and I feel a bit sick about it too. He said that I'm not really thinking about the bigger picture - that if I got rid of my car then we'd be in a better position to get my 'dream car' in a few years time. He's now saying that he's basically not going to be able to help me do that if he's got to pay for my car between now and then. I'm a bit meh about it tbh - who knows what's going to happen in a few years time?

I have to say I do think he's being a bit of an idiot about it - he's being stubborn and refuses to see my position. In no way is he like some of you are thinking though, but thanks for the solidarity anyway Grin

PS Theresadog that's so sad about your friend Sad I'm pleased to say that our situation is nothing like that - I am very lucky, and both dh and I (and the kids of course) have a pretty wonderful life. It's not often we have disagreements about things, and I certainly have everything I could want for.

OP posts:
Didactylos · 22/10/2014 17:35

he is still being stupid about it and he is not thinking of the bigger picture

your dream car 'in a few years' is no use at all in the here and now when you have 2 kids to ferry about at toddler stage - you need something suitable at this point in your life.

is this future car your 'dream car' or his?

Aherdofmims · 22/10/2014 17:40

As long as he is not sulking and is willing to drop it!

Theresadogonyourballs · 22/10/2014 17:42

Sausagebean - glad to hear that, and very glad you put your foot down! Keep doing it!! Wink

TeaForTara · 22/10/2014 17:54

Sausagebean well done, but I still don't understand. Why would selling your car now mean you can afford a better car in the future but selling the TT wouldn't? Surely the TT will fetch more than your rustbucket. So trade in both the TT and your rustbucket for a nice practical family car.

Take no notice of his "jam tomorrow" promises. It may happen; most likely it won't. You need something that works for you now. HI still BU.

VoyagerII · 22/10/2014 17:58

Yes he wants you to give in to what he wants now on the basis of a promise, and also a threat that you won't get that prize if you don't play along. He sounds awful, sorry. Have you put it to him that you should be sharing out the family money equally ands covering family costs out of shared income? Repairs to a family car, however shocking, are not your fault or your responsibility of for you to suffer for. It is a household cost. Unless he's forgotten you have kids who need taking places?

Branleuse · 22/10/2014 18:37

hes being really weurd

Original poster
Sausagebean · 22/10/2014 19:41

Aherdofmims I'm afraid he is sulking, but I'm not having any of it Grin

Tea the TT is a company car, so even if he sold it the money would go back into the company, and wouldn't benefit us personally at all Sad

Didactylos I agree with you. It is actually my dream car, although I am pretty sure we would never be able to afford it, and even if we could I think the money should be more importantly used elsewhere.

Thanks for all the help and advice - your replies, although perhaps slightly uncomfortable reading on a few occasions, have helped me realise it really isn't me BU. I shall continue to stand my ground, and if he wants to sulk then so be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sausagebean · 22/10/2014 19:44

Voyager No I haven't. I'm not good at confrontation, and tbh would rather avoid the discussion. I am happy with things the way they are financially, and as I don't have a way of paying him back for the repairs then I can't, can I Smile

OP posts:
VSeth · 22/10/2014 19:56

I had a sexy 2 seater sports car. I got pregnant and realised I needed I needed a more practical car and said goodbye to sports car. Its what being a parent means. His idea is very impractical and I hope that he realises what a twonk he is being.

FluffyMcnuffy · 22/10/2014 20:21

Your DH is not a hairdresser, he does not need an Audi TT. Does he seriously think a grown man looks good in one of those cars Confused?

The solution is he sells the TT, and uses the money to upgrade your car for a sensible family one.

FluffyMcnuffy · 22/10/2014 20:23
FluffyMcnuffy · 22/10/2014 20:24

OP if your DH is telling you that selling the TT won't benefit you and bring in some money I'm afraid he's lying Hmm. He owns the company, thus money for the company = money for the family.

DixieNormas · 22/10/2014 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 22/10/2014 21:29

Is he on glue?

What needs to happen is your car and the TT are sold so that you can buy a more reliable family car just about out right. And then there needs to be a serious discussion re: family income, family budget, family savings.

Momagain1 · 22/10/2014 21:32

A dream car in a few years time is useless, you need family transport now.

pinkstinks · 23/10/2014 00:00

Your husband is an Arsehat.

valrhona · 23/10/2014 00:24

He sounds like a bit of a dick. Maybe it's just car-related dick-dom but he wants a hobby vehicle he should pay for it himself. Your family needs 2 functioning family style cars.

maddening · 23/10/2014 06:32

I'd pay him back alright - a shit on the bonnet of the audi would do it.

PrivateBenjamin · 23/10/2014 07:09

This the TT is a company car, so even if he sold it the money would go back into the company, and wouldn't benefit us personally at all is a complete lie. He can sell the TT and then draw the proceeds out of the company.

So he could sell it to contribute to your new family car, but he doesn't want to, so he's fed you some bullshit line about the car belonging to the company. What a selfish dick he is.

Thumbwitch · 23/10/2014 07:12

I've only read the OP but YANBU at all, he is being a dick, and that's all there is to it.

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