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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he? I really don't know anymore!

114 replies

Sausagebean · 21/10/2014 08:13

Okay, so this will out me if any friends read it but I need to know if IABU or not

Rather long, but here goes...
I have an 8 year old car and DH has a very unpractical 2 seater TT (company car). He has his own company & for tax reasons decided that he would get a utility vehicle as a company car. I thought he would then sell the TT to save the company uneccessary costs, but he's tried to persuade me to drive his TT so he could keep it, and he would drive the truck. This would mean selling my perfectly reasonable family sized Toyota.
We have a 7 year old & a 9 month old & he seems to think it's okay for us to constantly be swapping cars so that whoever has the kids has the truck. When I go back to work in January he would drop the kids & I would take the TT but then would have to go to his work to swap cars before I could collect the children after school/crèche.
I agreed to trying the truck out, as things are tight financially for me & with 2 cars in the company it wouldn't cost me anything if I got rid of my car. However, after having tried it, the truck seems totally impractical to me.

There's no hard back on it, just a roller blind type cover which means it's not waterproof & because we can't fit anything in the cab (no extra space) everything in the back could get wet, inc dd's buggy.
There is nowhere for me to change dd's nappy (at the moment I do it in my boot - so she's covered if it's raining).
I can't open the back one handed (when the baby's in my arms) as it's too heavy.
After just a few days of driving it my hip started to hurt from climbing up into it.
It's massive & parking would be difficult in quite a few places.

I have been majorly stressing about what to do, and felt sick at the thought of selling my car. Anyway, my dad offered me some money to put towards a new car as mine needed work doing to it, but dh got really cross when I suggested I upgrade my car (I thought it would save me money in the long run as a younger car would be cheaper to run) and he suggested that I keep my car after all.
He's not happy - I get the impression he wants the best of both worlds - keeping both the cars he wants & not taking into consideration mine & the kids needs.
I'm out a lot, and drive a huge amount. When I return to work every minute will count and I know it will stress me out having to change cars, lugging bags/baby between them and not even being happy with the car I'm driving. One of my friends thinks DH is being very selfish, but I don't know as I can see the benefit to me financially of doing what he suggests... It would just make life too difficult I think.

Yesterday my car went in for a service, and it cost a fortune. DH is cross with me as he sees it as an unnecessary cost as, as far as he's concerned, I should've sold my car by now. He paid the bill but says I have to pay him back, although where I will get the money from I don't know

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it if you've got this far! I could really do with some perspective on this - I've thought & stressed about it so much that I now can't think clearly about it...

OP posts:

WillWorkForMoney · 23/10/2014 07:13

I'd hate to have to drive places, such as theme parks/normal family days out in a truck??!! What type of truck is it? A big one?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/10/2014 07:19

YANBU he is being an idiot. I have another month to go of my leased two seater sportscar. For the last two months (since we had a baby) DH has let me have his 5 door grown up car as it has a proper boot and isofix. My next car is going to be something that is practical and accommodates our needs as a family. It's also going to be fast and fun - that's the compromise! His car swapping idea is silly and would be a pita, especially in poor weather. I have put isofix bases in the cars my baby will go in regularly to allow for reduced hassle transfers.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/10/2014 07:20

PS I've always fancied a Toyota Hilux but I can see that it would be a daft choice now so I'm not getting one.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 23/10/2014 08:30

Why cant the company get him a sensible family car? Seems unbelievable they will only provide a tt or a truck!

bedraggledmumoftwo · 23/10/2014 08:33

Just realised the only 2 seater tts are convertibles- the coupe does have back seats, albeit small. So the company can only provide a soft top or a truck?!

VoyagerII · 23/10/2014 08:50

bedraggled it's the DH's own company. So he can make any decision he wants!

Original poster

Sausagebean · 23/10/2014 08:56

Well, dh and I had a mahoosive argument last night - he is so angry about the whole thing, that for the sake of our relationship I think I'm going to have to back down
The thing is that when he explains it, his idea sounds so much more plausible, and he's now saying that after he's paid for our heating to be replaced this winter that he'll be able to afford to get a loan out to cover the rest of the amount owing on a newer car for me (if, of course, I get rid of my car).
Wrt the TT and the company, it's his company, which is why the poor choices in cars have been made. We are abroad, and the tax is ridiculously high, so if he increases his wage then he loses a whole load more money. He is willing to pay for a lot of the newer car though.
Tbh, the last few days have been really horrible, and he has been so cross he's hardly been speaking to me, and I haven't been speaking to him much either. I do not want this situation to continue, so I see no other option but to go along with his idea, and at least try it out. If it works then we'll sell my car
I feel a bit worried that he might somehow see this thread, so I'll probably ask MN to delete it later today. I will check back though for any replies before I do!
I know some of you are going to suggest that things aren't right/healthy etc between me and dh, but it's normally fine. This is the first time we've had such a massive disagreement, and yesterday it scared me, especially when he started suggesting that this was the beginning of 'all the arguing' - his parents divorced and argued for years before that, making his life hell. I do not want our relationship to descend into that, and swapping cars around, although a pain, isn't really the end of the world.
If anyone has any constructive comments or tips on how to make it work then I'd love to hear them

OP posts:

Vycount · 23/10/2014 08:58

If he had let you take up your Dad on his offer this big bill wouldn't have had to be paid on your current car would it? You need to get your head around the fact that it's not up to him to dictate to you in this way. You are equal partners in this family, who brings in what income has nothing to do with it. Tell him to stuff the service bill where the sun don't shine and go ahead with replacing your car with the kind help of your Dad maybe?

Original poster

Sausagebean · 23/10/2014 08:59

PS My dream car is a Volvo XC60

OP posts:

Vycount · 23/10/2014 09:00

Oh dear Op, we crossed. He's bullied you into submission. That's really horrible and sad. I have no constructive comments and tips on how to make it work because his priority should be his wife and children and how to make life easy for them. Not how to force them to accommodate his man-toys.

Vycount · 23/10/2014 09:01

p.s. Is he going to fund your bills for treating your bad back after you've been driving the truck for a few weeks?

SurfsUp1 · 23/10/2014 09:01

Could you suggest you get a neutral friend around to hear both sides and act as a sort of mediator?

I wouldn't back down, but I'm a stubborn cow! If my husband was actually placing his car above our marriage I would have to seriously think about how committed he really was!

VoyagerII · 23/10/2014 09:02

Tbh, the last few days have been really horrible, and he has been so cross he's hardly been speaking to me, and I haven't been speaking to him much either. I do not want this situation to continue, so I see no other option but to go along with his idea

This is the first time we've had such a massive disagreement, and yesterday it scared me

Oh OP please see that this is exactly how he controls you. You don't want things to get nasty so you accept a deeply unfair arrangement. You put your foot down about something outrageous, appeal to reason and start requiring him to treat you fairly - and the shit, sulking, aggression and emotional blackmail hit the fan big time.

Yes, you can back down for an easy life and that's your choice but I would take notice of what some people on this thread have been saying and see what's going on. Of course things can seem lovely if you stay in your box where he wants you and let him make all the decisions so that they benefit him and you pick up the slack. But you deserve respect and equality and fairness, and to be able to ask for what you need. If things go badly wrong when you do, that's a worry.

Original poster

Sausagebean · 23/10/2014 09:06

I know Vycount I feel a bit like that too He assures me that he's only wanting to keep the TT because it's already in the company and is paid for (although he did admit that a small part of him wants to keep it as he loves it. I love it too tbh). If I get rid of my car I will have no costs at all, and will be able to drive for free - all petrol, servicing, insurance etc will be paid for by the company. It is a huge incentive.

Surfs I've thought about doing that, but he's so convinced that he's right that I really don't think it would make a difference. Some of my friends are aware of the situation, and have dropped hints about how tricky it's going to be for me and the kids, but it hasn't helped at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausagebean · 23/10/2014 09:11

I know Voyager, and I think you are right. I really am hopeless at confrontation, and would much rather back down. I hate the idea that I would push things too far and do irreparable damage to our relationship. I love him, the kids and I are his world, and our family has to be my priority.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sausagebean · 23/10/2014 09:13

I've just reread my last post - I know some of you are going to say that we are obviously not his world!

OP posts:

Didactylos · 23/10/2014 09:18

if he can get a car through his company why does it have to be a TT? if ots paid for then he could arrange to sell it and buy another car
Can he not arrange your volvo as a company car - best of all worlds

so, he sulks and loses his temper- and you and the kids have to just suck it up? you have to drive an unsuitable uncomfy truck that hurts your hip, with doors you cant open and nowhere to change the baby, plus add to your day doing chaotic car swaps that can only cause delay in an emergency

im sorry to hear you feel you must back down and delete the thread- no matter how you protest he is good in other ways he comes across as a selfish bully in this situation
good luck

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 23/10/2014 09:22

I love him, the kids and I are his world, and our family has to be my priority.

Shame he does not feel the same way. He is not prioritising your family, he is bullying you to get what he wants. I would accept the loan from your Dad- I suspect he can see how UR your DH is but he does not want to say anything in case it makes things worse for you, so he is offering you an alternative to relying on your controlling husband.

LL0015 · 23/10/2014 09:24

OP I feel for you. MN is a great place and I learn so much on here, making me a stronger better person.
No doubt you're going to feel pretty shit about yourself for a while now. But nobody on this thread has said anything unkind, untrue or unreasonable.

I hope you stand up for yourself in life. And don't judge yourself too harshly if you think you got it wrong.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/10/2014 09:27

I'm glad to hear you're not in the UK - I'm pretty sure HMRC would have something to say about someone who doesn't work in the business driving round in a car where 100% of the expenses were billed back to the business... (I'm assuming you don't work for him as you mentioned working in a different location).

I'd check the tax liability tbh.

Vycount · 23/10/2014 09:29

It shouldn't be a matter of "I will have no costs at all". You are a partnership. There is such a thing as financial abuse. I feel so sad for you, it must be so hard to read this thread.

CheerfulYank · 23/10/2014 09:31

He is a bully and it is financial abuse.

Can you not show him this thread?

gobbynorthernbird · 23/10/2014 09:32

You keep on with your smiley faces, OP. And your DH will keep on pissing all over the needs of his family.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/10/2014 09:41

OP, doesn't it make you question your relationship at all when you have to back down on something you KNOW you shouldn't, simply because he is pouting and acting like a stroppy teenager? How can you respect someone that has no consideration for you at all? He's only thinking of himself.

And make note... each and every time you back down, you are telling him that it is okay to treat you like this.

LittleBearPad · 23/10/2014 09:59

OP you and your children are not your husband's world. That's a childish hairdresser's Audi TT.

He's scared you into agreeing not to cause trouble. Please do think about this.

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