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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he? I really don't know anymore!

114 replies

Sausagebean · 21/10/2014 08:13

Okay, so this will out me if any friends read it but I need to know if IABU or not

Rather long, but here goes...
I have an 8 year old car and DH has a very unpractical 2 seater TT (company car). He has his own company & for tax reasons decided that he would get a utility vehicle as a company car. I thought he would then sell the TT to save the company uneccessary costs, but he's tried to persuade me to drive his TT so he could keep it, and he would drive the truck. This would mean selling my perfectly reasonable family sized Toyota.
We have a 7 year old & a 9 month old & he seems to think it's okay for us to constantly be swapping cars so that whoever has the kids has the truck. When I go back to work in January he would drop the kids & I would take the TT but then would have to go to his work to swap cars before I could collect the children after school/crèche.
I agreed to trying the truck out, as things are tight financially for me & with 2 cars in the company it wouldn't cost me anything if I got rid of my car. However, after having tried it, the truck seems totally impractical to me.

There's no hard back on it, just a roller blind type cover which means it's not waterproof & because we can't fit anything in the cab (no extra space) everything in the back could get wet, inc dd's buggy.
There is nowhere for me to change dd's nappy (at the moment I do it in my boot - so she's covered if it's raining).
I can't open the back one handed (when the baby's in my arms) as it's too heavy.
After just a few days of driving it my hip started to hurt from climbing up into it.
It's massive & parking would be difficult in quite a few places.

I have been majorly stressing about what to do, and felt sick at the thought of selling my car. Anyway, my dad offered me some money to put towards a new car as mine needed work doing to it, but dh got really cross when I suggested I upgrade my car (I thought it would save me money in the long run as a younger car would be cheaper to run) and he suggested that I keep my car after all.
He's not happy - I get the impression he wants the best of both worlds - keeping both the cars he wants & not taking into consideration mine & the kids needs.
I'm out a lot, and drive a huge amount. When I return to work every minute will count and I know it will stress me out having to change cars, lugging bags/baby between them and not even being happy with the car I'm driving. One of my friends thinks DH is being very selfish, but I don't know as I can see the benefit to me financially of doing what he suggests... It would just make life too difficult I think.

Yesterday my car went in for a service, and it cost a fortune. DH is cross with me as he sees it as an unnecessary cost as, as far as he's concerned, I should've sold my car by now. He paid the bill but says I have to pay him back, although where I will get the money from I don't know

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading it if you've got this far! I could really do with some perspective on this - I've thought & stressed about it so much that I now can't think clearly about it...

OP posts:

TheWitTank · 21/10/2014 09:06

He is very selfish and being ridiculous. Having a 2 seater car when you have two children to ferry about is beyond stupid unless it's a hobby car you don't have to use daily. Tell him to grow the fuck up, that you will drive what you want and that you don't want his wanky TT or utility monster.

pictish · 21/10/2014 09:33

I mean for crying out loud, it is quite simple...if he can't afford to run two cars, and he must have a truck for tax purposes, then he does not get to keep the TT. He certainly doesn't get to bulldoze the stupid thing onto you.
His car, his choice.
Your car, yours.

That's it. No further discussion required.

dreamingbohemian · 21/10/2014 09:35

When I go back to work in January he would drop the kids & I would take the TT but then would have to go to his work to swap cars before I could collect the children after school/crèche.

This is literally one of the stupidest suggestions I've ever read on MN, and that's saying a lot.

Your friend is right and tbh I'm amazed you actually need to ask if YABU.

Original poster

Sausagebean · 21/10/2014 12:09

Thanks for all the replies, I'm very relieved to see that no-one thinks IABU!
I've just read through the thread and realised I forgot to mention that DH has said that us sharing the two cars would be a temporary measure - it'd be for 2/3 years, with him helping me out to buy a newer car then. In this time, the idea is that I save the money I would've spent on my car, and also whatever I got for selling it, and put that towards a newer car too. Does that make any difference?!
Having reread my op, I can definitely see that his suggestion is silly, but I can still see what he's getting at. With regard to swapping cars before collecting the kids, I'd have to go almost past his work anyway, so although it would be a right pain, it is probably doable. In his eyes it's a perfect solution, and I think he's just seeing that we would save money over the next couple of years, therefore getting me a better car. (Sorry for the dripfeeding, I completely forgot to mention it earlier )
What frustrates me is that he can't seem to grasp that it's NOW that driving the truck and swapping the cars around is not going to work. If the dc's were older then I think it would be easier, but with the baby I just don't see how I'm going to be able to do it without a whole load of stress and kerfuffle.
With regards to our finances, I am normally happy with having separate accounts. DH pays pretty much all the bills, and I buy food/clothes for the kids. He gives me money when he can. I know it sounds bad re paying him back for the service, but I disagree that it's financial abuse. On this occasion though I know it's because he feels frustrated with me.

Also vile you asked about the children's safety in the truck? It's a double cab, so there's a second row of seats inside. I think they're actually safer in the truck than in a smaller car, it's very solid.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2014 12:23

It sounds like he doesn't actually need the truck for his business, is that correct? Therefore can't he sell that & get a more practical family car as his company car. If he did that and agreed that he would drop the kids off & then drive to YOUR work to swap cars, it might be reasonable for him to keep his impractical mid-life crisis car. He's the one eating into family time & finances by insisting on having a 2seater so he can put in the extra effort so at least you aren't inconvenienced by it.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2014 12:25

And as far as cars & babies are concerned then 2 to 3 years doesn't count as a temporary measure. If he insists it does then he can get rid of his car 'as a temporary measure' until the children are older! YANBU

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 21/10/2014 12:32

The TT is the dead wood here, though, isn't it?

We have a sort of 'rule' when it comes to discussing cars - both cars must fit the whole family in, so we can all use both of them iyswim. So the TT would be out for us (even though I'm sure dh would love a little 2 seater!)

No matter which way you look at it - he's being selfish keeping the truck and the TT - as neither are suitable for the whole family's needs.

maddy68 · 21/10/2014 12:34

He's being a knob

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 12:36

Get him to do a week of drop-offs and pick-ups, swapping cars with you each time. That'll soon larn him.

I'll take your second post on face value and not call controlling, financial abuse, etc and say I think he's just being a stupid arse. Rather like DS9 can be when he wants something totally impractical...

Didactylos · 21/10/2014 12:47

selling or trading in the TT now with whatever value from your old car as a trade in would get you a better car, suitable for the children now

and I say this as a woman who got rid of her own beloved vintage sports car car when she had 2 kids, because it wasn't practical enough to be of any use

(I loved driving that car and perhaps some day I may get another, when the kids are grown and I can indulge myself again. But that's what it is, an indulgence)

Hatespiders · 21/10/2014 13:06

Why would he be 'really cross' if you upgraded your own car using your dad's offer of some money? It's not his business if you and your dad decide to sort out the problem between you.

He seems to be 'cross with you' rather a lot, like a petulant, spoiled child.
Silly little boy, holding tight to all his toys.
Tell him he's acting like Little Noddy.

VoyagerII · 21/10/2014 13:31

The thing is it sounds as if he has you in this situation where you struggle for money and he graciously gives handouts for which you have to be grateful. You're bending over backwards to try to see his POV and accommodate it, when it's actually daft, because he has all the power.

It's lovely that he pays the bills but the issue isn't what he pays for, it's how much spare cash he has for himself versus how much spare cash you have for yourself, once all costs are paid. If you don't both pay into a joint account and agree on the amounts so that they are fair, someone is going to be worse off, and it sounds as if he's making sure it's you.

If he earns more, he puts more into the pot until a point of balance and fairness is reached. He should never be withholding money and you should never be having to ask for it. And he doesn't get to dictate what money gets spent on, just because he brings more in - these things should be discussed and agreed with reference to what makes sense.

When you have DC and go on maternity leave etc., you bring in less money, and if you don't have the same job, one of you will bring in less. But that doesn't mean one of you should get to be richer, hold the purse-strings or make all the decisions.

pictish · 21/10/2014 13:32

What Shelby said in buckets!
If temporary measures have to be taken (and 2/3 years isn't temporary by anyone's standards, if it's children you're transporting...don't be silly), then he temporarily loses his TT obviously.

Why do you have to make all the sacrifices to facilitate his show offery? Tell him to stop being so pathetic.

Aherdofmims · 21/10/2014 21:36

Agree with voyager11. Please come and tell us you have put your foot down!

Chippednailvarnish · 21/10/2014 21:43

He gives me money when he can

Wow as well as being a total selfish dickhead, he even gives you the mother of his children money when he can!
He sounds absolutely charming OP.

Littleturkish · 21/10/2014 21:53

Why the fuck can't he just get rid of the tt???

What reason does he give for keeping it?

Warmandtoasty · 21/10/2014 22:28

This situation clearly isn't working for you as a family and that's whats important, he sounds like he is being incredibly selfish. My DH sold his TT because it wasn't practical once we started a family, yes he was probably a bit gutted but he put his family first and that's what your husband needs to do. Driving around in a truck, car swapping every five minutes isn't practical and doesn't work longer term and will become a hassle for you and the kids.

I would be having a good chat with him about it but wouldn't back down, don't sell your family car unless you are getting a better one to suit your needs. He can always buy a TT later in life when his kids are older?

thursday · 21/10/2014 23:31

mystifying. so you have to keep finances separate but also sell your car/not buy yourself a new one with your dad's help to help him save money, which he may or may not share with you in the future, if you're good?

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 21/10/2014 23:38

Do not do it

Keep your car/upgrade it, whatever you want to do. What he is suggesting is absolutely bloody ridiculous.

What's all of this 'you have to pay him back' shit, either you are a family or you aren't. Seems like he has all the say, all the control and all of the money... whilst you are raising his children??

SurfsUp1 · 21/10/2014 23:41

He's treating you like you're the nanny.

blanklook · 22/10/2014 02:01

Can he get a crew cab for the truck? That way you have the 5 seats like a car and a huge dry area at the back. I drove one with the cab on the back like the one in the photo linked below for years and loved it, having that tailgate was such an advantage, ideal for baby changing, it was a seat to dress grazed knees, after a wipe with antibac it was a table to prepare a picnic, the loadspace was huge, so easy to carry all sorts like change of clothes and shoes/wellies sleeping bags etc for the whole family. I know it sounds daft, but it feels much different driving one with a proper back end than one with the open canvas-covered back. You could have a step fitted if you're uncomfortable getting in and out of the driver's seat. Do try a test drive in one with a 'proper' back before you give up on the idea completely.
www.topperworld.net/Site/images/Century_Royal.jpg

But I do think he needs to sell the TT and the other family vehicle needs to be one of your choice.

hackmum · 22/10/2014 08:25

Your DH is an idiot.

HTH.

MelanieCheeks · 22/10/2014 08:34

If he wants to keep the TT then he has to work out a way for you to have a parctal family friendly vehicle for your main use. You've been willing to try new arrangements, but teh truck doesnt work for you. So a differetn solution is required.

Can you keep 3 vehicles - teh truck and TT for him/ business (and financed from there), while you get the major say in your car - can you finance it yourself? If that's the way your money split works.

silverten · 22/10/2014 08:44

His solution is clear. If he cares so much about having a stupid impractical car as well as a truck, he has to work harder to make more money to pay for it. After he has supported his family and supplied you with the car you need to fill your needs.

guinnessgirl · 22/10/2014 09:08

OP, I'm usually fairly understanding and would be the last person to resort to insults. Your 'D'H is being a selfish twunt. HTH

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