Help - how do I deal with this? (warning....long)

[Fizzielove]

Today I had parent teacher meeting with dd(3) nursery teacher.

Basically the teacher told me that my daughter was an unhappy child, that she never smiled - even when our lovely child minder collected her. That she is stubborn, willful, needs to learn to do as she's told, that she wants to be spoken to as an adult, wants to be treated as a big girl. Oh and that she thinks she needs a referral to the Occupational Therapy team to work on her core muscles to make her sit, cos apparently she just won't it when told. She actually said she was basically teenager in a 3 year old's body. Could I please tell her some strategies to work with her (dd).

I was completely stunned!! My daughter is pretty much life and soul of the party, always giggling and laughing. Yes she can be stubborn and want her own way (don't we all!) but generally if you speak to her normally and ask her to do something she will do it. (begrudgingly probably but she has never flatly refused to do anything I / child minder / babysitter asks).

I am trying really hard to not go all mama bear but the more I have thought of the conversation the more annoyed and upset I have got.

The teacher speaks to people in a voice I find really annoying and patronising - like you are completely stupid - high pitched - forced smile - you get the picture! (I wonder does my dd find her as annoying as I have since the day I met her!)

From this meeting I didn't get any idea of how dd was getting along with other children in the class - what did she like playing with.

Basically I sat there for 25mins whilst the teacher told me what a demon my child is - now I am not precious and went prepared with being told that dd didn't like sharing, etc. nothing like this - wasn't even on my radar - I really get the feeling that she's taken a severe dislike to my child.

WIBU to speak to the principal tomorrow morning? Ideally I'd like her moved to the other class.

Any idea what I can say? How I can best deal with this??

Thanks if you've got this far!

I'd change her nursery. If the teacher annoys you then she'll annoy your child. They have much less tolerance than us and can see through people straight away.

Sounds very strange as feedback at a nursery parents evening.

What has your interaction with the nursery been like previously?

I've dropped my dd off in the morning smiled said 'Good Morning' - the usual - no run ins if that's what you mean?

This came completely from left field!!

Her break money was paid on time- she goes in with clean clothes and bathed - she says please and thank you (strangers have commented on her manners even tho she's wee!) I ahev no idea what she (we) have done to make this teacher have this attitude.

I can't change her nursery as there are no places anywhere else!

Poor dd. Not happy at all? I think if this behaviour is only for this teacher you need to work out why.
What does your DD say about nursery?
If your daughter is 'the life and soul' 'stubborn' and won't sit still then perhaps she doesn't know how to behave in a more formal environment? (She's 3 so I can't imagine they expect a great deal other than sitting when listening to stories, tidy up time and learning to get on with other children).
Good luck getting to the bottom of why she appears so low to the teacher!

She's recently started getting upset in the morning getting dressed in her uniform and saying she doesn't want to go :-(

The teacher commented I think to try and make me feel better "there's not one in the class that doesn't have a problem"

Honestly I think the teacher needs to find a new career - I have heard of other kids not liking her too so it's isolated to just my daughter (found this out after the meeting from childminder!)

meant to say NOT isolated to dd

Take her out, today. If you can't stand the teacher, I feel sorry for your daughter having to put up with her without you around.

Get her away from there!

3luckystars - that's my gut feeling - thanks for seconding it....

I'd tell the principal and I'd start looking for another place. And tell the principal that too!

(Can I ask where you are based? Are you non Uk? I just wondered because do nurseries here have principals?)

The pre-school is attached to our primary school - the principal is in charge of both. We are in NI - so yes part of the UK.

Your gut feeling is right. Go with it, take her out and you will work something else out for your dd.
I have doubted myself in the past but my feelings regarding the children have been right every single time. The very best of luck x

The teacher commented I think to try and make me feel better "there's not one in the class that doesn't have a problem" - bang out of order and totally unprofessional.
You need to speak to the teacher's line manager, calmly outline your concerns and state you need reassurance that this teacher is capable of meeting your daughter's needs, actual things which are being put in place to address the concerns raised....your daughter may be being 'stubborn' etc, so what are the staff actually doing to support her in learning/recognising the expectations etc.
The teacher's comment about children with problems says an awful lot, actually, and is totally dismissive of young children and what they bring to the setting. That needs addressing pdq and the only person who can do that is the line manager/principal. Ask if it is possible/appropriate to change classes, but be prepared for a 'no' on this, due to ratios etc. And don't bring up what other parents say, this will likely be seen as playground gossip, if those parents have similar concerns, they must raise those themselves, teachers/principals etc can't comment about what other parents may/may not be saying if they don't have this first hand.

The teacher actually said the words "this is being really unprofessional but....." then continued to make comments........

The teacher speaks to people in a voice I find really annoying and patronising - like you are completely stupid - high pitched - forced smile -

Urghhh. I know exactly what you mean. I bloody hate people like that. They just don't feel real iyswim. I'd get dd moved to another class or take her out, before her confidence gets damaged. Fwiw my ds is a similar personality. But at 5 now very popular and well liked. Sounds like this teacher has now labelled your dd. which is not good for your dd or anyone else.

So how do I go about making these points calmly and concisely?

Can anyone help me with this please????? Pretty please????

Yes that sounds like really awful feedback.

My ds was full of energy and I am sure would exhaust his carers. They would let me know if he had done something wrong like not be nice to another child straight away which was seldom.

However in terms of feedback evenings they were generally always so positive and diplomatic. I.e. He has a lot of energy and so we try do activities which help him expend this. They would do wonderful things around his interests too. I do remember one night at pick up getting frazzled feedback by the next morning that had apologised.

She is 3. She is 3. Please keep telling yourself this. How strange. I would want to ask more about an occupational health referral and what that means??? Did she ask how you or your husband or your child minder find her? You know your child. It does seem like looking elsewhere or a change of room( only if it is a good nursery ) would be a plan.

I say go mama bear and look after your little bear!

Do you have a partner you can take with you?

I would have a word with the head. However I am unsure if I would do it alone.

Take notes as to what was said. I agree with the previous poster that it seems like your Dd has been labelled.

oh Snapple - that was also something she said " I don't want her getting labelled" my first thought was - "too late you've done it!"

Dear whoever, yesterday I attended my daughters first parents evening, at which I expected to receive feedback regarding her progress since starting at nursery. The feedback I received was that she was "and put into quotes as many of the actual words her which we're said". I was taken aback by these statements, as they do not reflect what I know about my daughter and these concerns have not been previously reported to me. I left the meeting feeling . I left the meeting very unclear about how my daughter will be supported in terms of moving forward. In addition, the teacher made further comments regarding other children in the class, and quote exactly what was said. These comments were totally inappropriate and Mrs X herself acknowledged that they were unprofessional. I am now left feeling concerned that my daughter is viewed as a problem, which is something which I just can not accept. I would therefore be interested to receive clarification about the strategies being implemented to support my daughter as well as receive suggestions about ways in which I can support at her home. I would also welcome your views about the comments made regarding other children.

Or something along those lines?

you know your own child, and how they are at home/with childminders/family etc

I was told DS at 3 was isolated, wouldnt fit in, didnt take part in anything, talked 'mispronounced nonsense' and so needed SALT input, potentially had severe undiagnosed issues and needed some ridiculously unevidenced physical therapy to deal with his motor delays

I pointed out that the 'nonsense' was his second language (they knew about this) which he sometimes used as he hadn't yet completely learnt to differentiate when to use it or English, and that if they let him join in in his own time, when he was comfortable he would participate (I had watched him enough to know that that is his strategy, hes quite reticent until he masters a skill or situation and then you cant stop him). And then pointed out their ridiculous physical therapy had no use other than a dance/movement session and the neurological claims they were making for it were physiologically implausible bunkum and made me doubt their critical thinking skills and judgement
and then removed him from that particular nursery class

and he thrived in the new setting, socially developed at his own pace and none of the evil predicted consequences of physical, social and mental delay have yet come to pass as he progresses on through mainstream schooling.
First major mama-bear moment in my life!

Timeforanap1 - thank you, thank you, thank you - rushes off to get notepad and pen (no printer at home!)

OR do you think I'd be better typing it up and going into school with it?

Or would a handwritten note show my points just as well?

DD was previously as a playgroup / preschool - it closed after 25 years because they refused to adhere to the strict criteria / schedule/ etc, handed down by the Department for Education and insisted the children learnt better being relaxed and playing - dd loved it there......

Handwritten letter is just fine. And a great example for a letter. I would use it. But also consider that this particular teacher is unlikely to change her opinion about your dd. So you also need to consider whether such a person has the right / privilege to look after her and help her develop.

So sorry you have this to deal with, it's very sad for you and your dd.

Sounds like the teacher has the problem or maybe your dd is very unhappy at this nursery and it may be more complex. You would know if the teacher was the problem if she moved class. If there is another class, I would see if your dd can be moved to it.

Personally, I would say she is obviously very unhappy in this class because the child described to you by the teacher is very different to the child you know at home. I would not blame the teacher directly at first because the school may be a bit defensive - this is just in my humble opinion.

Is your daughter at nursery all day? Is that normal where you are for children of 3 to have a uniform at nursery? Is it very formal? It just seems very young for a nursery with uniform, more like a school. My dd was at nursery part time from age 8 months and her nursery was very nice and pretty informal and not connected to a school, it was at dh's work. She loved being there and when I picked her up was still running about the playground wanting to run around and not desperate to get home. How is dd when you pick her up or when you see her after nursery?

I find all the things this teacher said really offensive and I am so sorry you had this meeting.

I remember having a meeting with my dd's first school teacher (in reception) when she had been at school 6 weeks and being told she would fall behind etc. She was still 4. I left the school and started crying. My dd is dyslexic and for some years she was really struggling at school but now amazingly she is doing a lot better. I felt the school never helped much until recently. I also felt that first teacher did not like her. It is very hard I just wanted to let you know that your feelings of frustration are shared by lots of other parents when faced with negative views about our children from teachers etc.