Help - how do I deal with this? (warning....long)

[Fizzielove]

Today I had parent teacher meeting with dd(3) nursery teacher.

Basically the teacher told me that my daughter was an unhappy child, that she never smiled - even when our lovely child minder collected her. That she is stubborn, willful, needs to learn to do as she's told, that she wants to be spoken to as an adult, wants to be treated as a big girl. Oh and that she thinks she needs a referral to the Occupational Therapy team to work on her core muscles to make her sit, cos apparently she just won't it when told. She actually said she was basically teenager in a 3 year old's body. Could I please tell her some strategies to work with her (dd).

I was completely stunned!! My daughter is pretty much life and soul of the party, always giggling and laughing. Yes she can be stubborn and want her own way (don't we all!) but generally if you speak to her normally and ask her to do something she will do it. (begrudgingly probably but she has never flatly refused to do anything I / child minder / babysitter asks).

I am trying really hard to not go all mama bear but the more I have thought of the conversation the more annoyed and upset I have got.

The teacher speaks to people in a voice I find really annoying and patronising - like you are completely stupid - high pitched - forced smile - you get the picture! (I wonder does my dd find her as annoying as I have since the day I met her!)

From this meeting I didn't get any idea of how dd was getting along with other children in the class - what did she like playing with.

Basically I sat there for 25mins whilst the teacher told me what a demon my child is - now I am not precious and went prepared with being told that dd didn't like sharing, etc. nothing like this - wasn't even on my radar - I really get the feeling that she's taken a severe dislike to my child.

WIBU to speak to the principal tomorrow morning? Ideally I'd like her moved to the other class.

Any idea what I can say? How I can best deal with this??

Thanks if you've got this far!

Good luck with it and let us know how you get on. I had a simialr experience where the nursery head took a dislike to my dd and was quite critical about her to the feeder primary where she wa going. I was so upset that her schools first impression would be one from this nursery. I accept my 2 sons and daughter have faults but the things this teacher said were completely untrue. We only had a few weeks left when I found this out and we didn't take her out as I didn't want her to miss the end of term festivities but I never sent my other chidlren there. If I were you. Id take her out. there must be somewhere else with spaces.........This experience changed my DDs temperament from lively to reserved and I balme myself for not acting on my instincts sooner

Children know when they are disliked. The teacher sounds hideous (I too have particular ire for that high pitched bright voice some people do when dealing with children and their parents!)

Good luck - if its not sorted you need to move her.

Fizzielove yes of course, if there are photos of her smiling, it is not true.

Hope the meeting goes well.

frostyfingers totally agree, they are all so young, they should be having fun.

Hope this situation is sorted for you Fizzielove.

Well done on standing up for your daughter OP!

Hoping for a positive meeting on Friday!

My DS1 did really well at nursery, we were really happy. Little brother started and I was less happy, hard to put my finger on it but I just felt things weren't going well. I went in to speak to teacher and before I had said more than half a dozen words she thanked me for coming in, said she found my DS2 hard to work with, she was aware that she found him irritating and would I go to the Head with her to get him moved into the other nursery class. We did and he loved it. She admitted it was really unprofessional, something that had never happened to her before, and she was only a couple of years off retirement. I was also grateful that she was honest and we could sort it out.

I have to say she wasn't alone, as DS2 went through school he was always teachers pet or teachers worst nightmare. I have never known a child who seemed to be an angel one year, lovely parents evenings, and a horror the next and difficult parents evenings. I never knew what to expect. He says now he was a horror but I think he is being a little hard on himself but the thing that struck me in OP was the bit about her being a teenager in a three year old's body as that was very much the issue with my son. Eventually he was a teenager and as annoying as most teenagers but it seemed more appropriate.

I hope you get it sorted, it is so hard when you feel an adult has taken against a little one and it is unprofessional but I don't know any easy answers unless your school has two nursery classes and they can do a swap, it did work for mine.

Just reread the OP and see there is another class. Go for that, my son went from being disliked to being really liked by a lovely teacher and did really well.

The problem I will have is that they won't want to swap anyone! Both the classes are full :-(

Can anyone tell me - what do I do if the response I get from the teacher is A) "I'm very sorry for what I said on Monday but it's how I feel when your DD is in my class"
B) "I'm sorry you took my comments like that - that's not what was intended"
C) "I didn't say that - you've taken me out of context"

I've spoken to dd at length - every evening I ask her "were you shouted at today?" her response "Yes", me "what for?" her " I dunno"

So obviously shouting isn't getting anywhere as she has no clue why she's being at!! Perhaps if the teacher sent a note home telling me what she had done that day that was bad (inappropriate) whatever - then I could try to deal with the behaviour!

Anyone??

The shouting is bang out of order. Your daughter is picking up on it just being her. Thats awful
a = daughter needs moved
b= chance for further talking
c= you did say that. I wrote it down so that I would remember. My daughter feels you are cross with her every day....

How things work in NI is a bit different to England, Scotland and Wales I think. So people are unsure what is possible in NI, and therefore may not have much advice?

I had a run in with DS's teacher already, but she is well known for being difficult. Several of his classmates' parents have older kids, so it didn't come as a surprise.

You probably can't insist on moving her to another class, but you can withdraw her for the rest of the academic year. Is there a board of governors, or is it directly overseen by your local ELB?

I have no knowledge of current NI education.

I know DS was much happier at his private nursery than the attached pre school he did some hours in. I wanted him to go that primary school, so worked round it by only having him there 2 sessions a week, paying nursery to drop him off and collect him, although that cost us. ( The minimum they would take him was 2 sessions of 3 hours each).

Thank you - my nerves are starting to get the better of me. I so don't want to go into this meeting and for them to start making me doubt myself!

As an ex teacher i have to say that if I had a child in my class who I thought had problems/ issues/ was unhappy/ not settling/ not mixing, I would never ever have left it to parents day to speak to the parents, there have been 7 weeks where a good teacher could have phoned you to discuss this at length. Parents should never ever ever have this information coming as a shock on Parents evening.
Has your childminder ever had any issues with you dd at all? Has she ever observed her having problems mixing when they have been to groups/ on outings? She is also a qualified early years practitioner and if she hasn't highlighted any issues to you then you can be pretty sure they don't exist.
3 year olds aren't designed to sit still. Their core body strength is insufficient. They need to move a lot to improve it then as they get older they have the physical strength to sit. This is why Scandinavian countries don't start formal learning until the children are older. They need to move to be able to sit.
Your daughter obviously doesn't like to be babied. If the teacher has identified she likes to be spoken to like she's a big girl then she should speak to her like a big girl. Easy solution.
I'd pull her out of the nursery and leave her with the childminder. You can still claim funding for an OFSTED registered childminder and she will be able to meet your daughters needs and socialise her ready for school just as well.

DangerousBeanz - How do I get funding for the childminder?

First thing I would say is to make sure the teacher has not made a mistake in identifying your daughter, particularly if there is another child in the class with the same or a similar name. I've known a few occasions where a teacher has confused one pupil with another.

Second thing ... I hate to say it, but some teachers just develop a dislike for certain children, often for very biased, personal (and stupid) reasons. I've worked with colleagues like that and seen it in others. People have strange prejudices.

Thirdly, I am pretty alarmed at the language this teacher used about a three-year-old. Early years is not my specialism, but I wouldn't speak about a problematic teen in that manner -- it is very confrontational and I am not sure what it is supposed to achieve in terms of the relationship between your daughter and the teacher.

And also ... being so full on about "sitting" at 3 years old? Crikey, even at four or five, some children can be yoyos.

TBH, I'd look to send her somewhere else.

www.nidirect.gov.uk/index/information-and-services/parents/childcare/childcare-benefits-tax-credits-and-other-help-for-working-parents.htm

"Funded pre-school education is available in nursery schools, primary schools with nursery classes and some voluntary and private playgroup settings and day nurseries."
"Further information about the admissions process is available on the Department of Education website and information about free places in your area is available from your local education and library board."

I wonder if childminders aren't funded in NI?

Fizzie, I'm in NI and youngest is in preschool. I'm pretty sure funding for a childminder just doesn't happen here. Do you want DD to go to the school? If it's a feeder you may find if you remove her every child in the nursery gets priority for P1 places, do you have an elder child at the school? I would research that before you make any decision.

Is she in full time or part? Could you see if there is some option to switch into a different session in the other class - most people seem to hate afternoons so I would say a morning could be swapped but depends if all places are full time.

Don't really know what to suggest. I would see how meeting goes but feel you may end up a bit stuck.

No idea about NI schooling, but if it was here, nursery places don't have any bearing on reception school places. Therefore I'd remove DD and either home school, childmind or find another nursery place.

If the nursery does priority over primary school places, then do your research on admission criteria for primary school. But ultimately, it's a very long time for your DD to be unhappy at nursery.

We definitely do have attendance at nursery as criteria for some schools. You can find the admittance criteria on the relevant education and library board website for every school.

Looks like childminders can be funded in England not NI.

BTW - nursery in NI is the equivalent of reception class in England

Also, for context, you will be extremely unlikely to be able to utilise your free hours somewhere else in NI - the application for pre school places/funding occurs once a year in January and the chances of an in allocated place at this point are slim.

A - teachers feelings about your child being in her class are irrelevant. Teacher has a professional duty to meet the needs of your child, your child has no responsibility to help teacher feel better. Tell teacher that that is not an acceptable response and you will take it further.
B - pretty reasonable statement, consider accepting apology and look to ways of then moving forward
C - you did say that, end of, context is not relevant

Take someone with you to the meeting, it will give you confidence. But also, don't worry about it, they're probably as nervous as you!

I would speak to the manager about the teacher - that what she describes is not how your dd is out of school - and that if there is "not one in the class that does not have a problem" then perhaps the nursery need to review the teacher as it is not right that a dc who is normally bright, bubbly and polite is suddenly a demon child in nursery and that the teachers approach to the parents is not really professional.

Should have read TFT !