Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help - how do I deal with this? (warning....long)

86 replies

Fizzielove · 20/10/2014 23:17

Today I had parent teacher meeting with dd(3) nursery teacher.

Basically the teacher told me that my daughter was an unhappy child, that she never smiled - even when our lovely child minder collected her. That she is stubborn, willful, needs to learn to do as she's told, that she wants to be spoken to as an adult, wants to be treated as a big girl. Oh and that she thinks she needs a referral to the Occupational Therapy team to work on her core muscles to make her sit, cos apparently she just won't it when told. She actually said she was basically teenager in a 3 year old's body. Could I please tell her some strategies to work with her (dd).

I was completely stunned!! My daughter is pretty much life and soul of the party, always giggling and laughing. Yes she can be stubborn and want her own way (don't we all!) but generally if you speak to her normally and ask her to do something she will do it. (begrudgingly probably but she has never flatly refused to do anything I / child minder / babysitter asks).

I am trying really hard to not go all mama bear but the more I have thought of the conversation the more annoyed and upset I have got.

The teacher speaks to people in a voice I find really annoying and patronising - like you are completely stupid - high pitched - forced smile - you get the picture! (I wonder does my dd find her as annoying as I have since the day I met her!)

From this meeting I didn't get any idea of how dd was getting along with other children in the class - what did she like playing with.

Basically I sat there for 25mins whilst the teacher told me what a demon my child is - now I am not precious and went prepared with being told that dd didn't like sharing, etc. nothing like this - wasn't even on my radar - I really get the feeling that she's taken a severe dislike to my child.

WIBU to speak to the principal tomorrow morning? Ideally I'd like her moved to the other class.

Any idea what I can say? How I can best deal with this??

Thanks if you've got this far!

OP posts:
Timeforanap1 · 21/10/2014 00:27

Or email? Handwritten is fine, but you need to keep a copy.

I wouldn't be surprised if the school already know this teacher is iffy, someone who speaks to parents & about children like that will be well known in the staff room and in the playground, sadly you're probably not the first. But as a teacher, I get seriously hacked off by professionals behaving like this and giving us all a bad name. Regardless of how DD is doing in this setting,it's absolutely unacceptable to manage things like this and treat people like this. Your daughter may well be presenting these strange (to you) behaviours but your teachers response is piss poor. If she is in need of specific support or OT referrals etc, then the least you can expect is some sensitivity and respect!

Good luck!

DancingDinosaur · 21/10/2014 00:27

I wouldn't personally be worried about the uniform. Its the quality of care that is the issue. My ds went to a nursery that was quite strict on behavior, and they wore a uniform. But it really suited my ds. Because the teachers were amazing. Lovely people who really did care about the children and did their best to bring out the best in them. Which for my ds, they really did. He absolutely thrived. I think the uniform stuff is a bit of a red herring. Its the teachers attitude that really counts.

Timeforanap1 · 21/10/2014 00:29

Agree with DancingDinosaur, btw....caring for your DD is a privilege and you need to consider seriously whether she continues to be granted that privilege.

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/10/2014 00:41

Your child can be different in nursery to outside - I say this because we put out daughter in a private pre-k at 2.5 until 5... After the whole first year when I went for a conference I was told they had no idea if she could count or do letters or anything at all as she hadn't spoken a single word to anyone there... I sat in on the class next day and sure enough she sat in a corner with a book on her lap the whole time, rocking herself... The other kids were playing all around me as hair dressers and doctors and chefs - and she was isolated and nothing like herself. The teacher thought she would need testing for spectrum issues... But she just wasn't ready for school yet. The next year she started talking in school and participating properly and was fine - she's now 10 and loves school. In our case it wasn't the teachers or an unpleasant class or anything - just too much stimulation when she had been used to being the only child.

Hopefully your little girl will be moved to the other class and find her own feet when she is ready.

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 00:52

I have written it all out and added all the appropriate addresses and names - looks and sounds good - sane and not mama bear like - but at the same time I'm not taking any shit!!

Thank you - big time!!!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2014 00:55

I would also look at the school's website and get some quotes from all the 'caring things' they will do for the kids.

When you meet with the head be clear and calm, easier said than done.

I wonder if a good phrase to use is that the school has 'a duty of care' and you are not sure how this is being exercised! I personally think that labelling a child at three with multiple problems is not really very caring, especially if this is totally alien to the child you know!

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 00:57

flyingspaghettimonster - I know my own daughter and have witnessed her at previous playgroup - had previous reports - all came back that she had the teachers in giggles on most days and was a social child - she can count to 20 - loves doing jigsaws and basically having fun.

I think this class sounds like a prison camp for kids - very sad.....

Perhaps she can forgo pre-school and next year go straight into Primary 1

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 21/10/2014 00:59

Perhaps she can forgo pre-school and next year go straight into Primary 1

Yes of course she can. Absolutely.

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 01:08

watch this space - i will be tackling the headmaster in the am with letter in tow!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 01:09

sorry - Principal

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2014 01:13

Good luck. Hope it goes well. Try not to go in all guns blazing, much as it is tempting to do so. The teacher is unprofessional and uncaring, definitely, but be open to explore the issues mentioned and see how it is all going for her. Can you observe her in the nursery unseen at all? Just peeping in a window to see how she is getting on?

You said "an unhappy child, that she never smiled" that sounds like it could be true or it could be that sometimes she is not happy and the teacher has extrapolated a lot from that.

I would say at times all kids are 'stubborn', 'willful', and 'needs to learn to do as she's told', sounds both defensive on part of teacher and also like most kids to some extent!

And lots of kids do like to be '... spoken to as an adult, wants to be treated as a big girl.'

The Occupational Therapy team to work on her core muscles to make her sit, '... cos apparently she just won't it when told.' is particularly worrying.

Try not to spill all your information in one rush, you need to hear the head teacher out a bit. That's just my personal opinion. And maybe you will be asked to speak to the teacher with the head there, just be clear and calm. Let us know how it all works out, please.

All the best.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2014 01:15

You said "an unhappy child, that she never smiled" that sounds like it could be true - I mean the class is making it true!

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 11:27

So I met with the principal this morning - I was very upset but tried to keep my composure. I gave him the letter which he read then and there - his eyes actually widened as he read it!! He is going to show the teacher my letter and speak with her and get back to me. He said that we needed to get into a room and fix the relationship that has broken, my response was to tell him that I didn't want anything to do with her - probably BU but that's how I feel.

I asked for dd to be moved to the other class - usual response - classes are both full - would mean someone would have to move. I felt like stamping my foot and saying I don't care just sort it!! (I didn't btw!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 11:30

Italiangreyhound - if that's true - then why are there photos of my dd in the reception area all smiling..... obviously not true.

I asked dd about the teachers in an open ended manner allowing her to describe the teachers (1 teacher & 1 TA) she said she likes the TA but that the Teacher - " I don't like her cos all she does is shout at me!" I asked her does she shout at everyone - response was "no just me!"

Now I know not to take the word of a 3 year old over the word of an adult - but honestly I think something stinks....

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/10/2014 14:46

Are you hoping she'll continue to the attached primary school? (that would worry me a bit) even if you managed to switch classes, which will be quite difficult to do Id imagine. No-one is going to want their child moved if they're settled in the other class.

By uniform, I'm assuming you mean a pair of joggers and a sweatshirt. My dd is 3 and in a school attached nursery in NI, I'd be really raging if this had come out of left field for you. I hope to get it sorted out. I think it's strange to have the same principal for both nursery and primary, I'd always worry about opinions being formed very early etc, by that I mean by the principal/teachers.

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 15:31

Wigglesrock - what part of the country are you?

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/10/2014 16:02

Just outside Belfast (maintained sector). I've 3 and my youngest is at nursery now. I'm so annoyed for you, for nothing to have been brought up before, if there is anything to be brought up. After I read your thread I'd a quick nosy through the bumpf, welcome pack that my dds nursery have. They have clear outlined procedures and this teacher was nowhere near them.

Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 16:05

Wigglesrock - what's the maintained sector? (no clue icon needed!) We're also just outside Belfast!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzielove · 21/10/2014 16:06

I sent you a PM wigglesrock

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/10/2014 16:27

Catholic Smile . I'm running about, I'll check my messages shortly.

Timeforanap1 · 21/10/2014 20:16

OP...good for you for keeping it together! I'm not surprised a change of class isn't possible, it's a decision not be taken lightly by the school and I've very rarely, if at all, seen that happen. I think you now need to wait for the head to get back to you, and if you can, I think you should agree to meet the teacher, but only with the head present and a friend/supporter of your choosing. Take with you your record of what's upset, that way you won't forget anything, and if it gets too much and you feel you're losing it, ask to suspend the meeting until you feel less emotional. In terms of the unprofessional comments about the other children, this is not relevant to your concerns, so tell the head he has to deal with it. And do not let the school devise a situation where the breaking down of the relationship is down to you, keep emphasising that the teacher brought all this stuff up out of nowhere and it's her lack of sensitivity. Also, emphasise the impact on your daughter, your supporter can do this for you if you find this too difficult. And start looking at other settings/schools. As much as you can, keep your cool, then they can't label you as totally unreasonable/hystericalOTT.

Original poster
Fizzielove · 22/10/2014 09:19

So the Principal called me last night at 7.45pm - I missed the call as I was putting the DC to bed!! He left me a voicemail wanting me to meet with the teacher and him this morning at 9.30am!!! Sorry but I'm at work!! So I had to call and leave him a message that I could do Friday afternoon after 4, so I'm now waiting to hear back again!?

OP posts:
Timeforanap1 · 22/10/2014 12:41

Wow! At least he's taking you seriously....

Kormachameleon · 22/10/2014 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frostyfingers · 22/10/2014 13:23

Aside from the hideous sounding teacher, it breaks my heart that children are being assessed and educated in what sounds like such a formal setting so young, she's only 3, still a tiny thing. OP I'm absolutely not having a go at you - it's the system I feel that is at fault, not those who use it.

Good luck, I'm glad it sounds as though the head is taking you seriously.