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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think this is an odd thing to say?

125 replies

froootbat · 20/10/2014 22:08

DD looks like DH, I know, he knows, the cat knows everyone knows. However my MIL and FIL do tend to go on about it a bit, but I get that they're proud etc... So I try not to let it bother me much because it's not important (though I don't think an hour goes by without some comment about how she 'so looks like DH, definitely not you' when we visit). But this weekend my MIL was in the middle of going on about how she is DH's double when she grabbed her hand and said her fingers are just like DH's too. Now, to me that just seems like a weird thing to say? It almost feels like she is making her out to be all him and none of me? I know I'm probably overanalysing it and being over sensitive but she does have some of my features and I did the whole growing and birthing thing yet it feels a little like she can't see that she's my DD too even down to her finger tips. It just seemed a little much to me really and that comment has really stuck at me. AIBU?

OP posts:

CornChips · 21/10/2014 10:45

My Ds looks alot like me.My DMother said to me the other day 'DS looks exactly like you.Except he has that same funny shaped head that your DH does.'...[tumbleweed]

ninetynineonehundred · 21/10/2014 10:53

I'd be tempted to say that yes dds fingers do look alot like dhs but her privates look exactly like mine. Would you like to see?

But I'm in a bad mood with an extremely pa mil at the moment and in the mood to burn a few bridges.
And breathe.

Can your dh point out that her smile etc is beautiful just like yours? He must be able to see the bits that come from you.

Jill2015 · 21/10/2014 10:53

A friend of mind had this with her mil. One of my friend's kids was the absolute image of my friend, but no, vague, far out resemblances to some fifty third cousin were found to show that the child was like her dad's side. My friend just nodded and smiled...a lot.

ninetynineonehundred · 21/10/2014 10:54

Actually I agree with sprink. I think she may have hit the nail on the head there.

CornChips · 21/10/2014 10:59

I agree about the traits issue which will all come. My maternal GM always thought that anything 'good' clearly came from her side. I played alot of musical instruments when at school, and that clearly came from her DH who used to play the recorder at school. Nothing to do with my paternal grandmother who was a violinist in one of the most famous symphony orchestras in the world.

Poledra · 21/10/2014 11:02

Here's a little story to (hopefully!) make you smile about this sort of thing.

Friends of mine adopted a son, who was primary school age when he was adopted. A few years later, they had a biological daughter. When the new baby came home, the grandmas were cooing over her, with all the 'She's got so-and-so's nose.' etc. The little chap looked at the baby worriedly then said to his dad 'What's she got of mine, Dad?' To which my friend, thinking on his feet, said 'She's got your ears, son.' That little boy pointed out that the baby had his ears to everyone who came into the house after that.

CornChips · 21/10/2014 11:03

that is lovely Poledra.:)

Lweji · 21/10/2014 11:09

where could those blue eyes have come from?

She was right in a way, though.
You need two alleles to make blue eyes, one from you and one from his dad (so, either from your MIL or your FIL - nothing to do with uncles, unless Uncle Vincent was a direct ascendant of your OH ).
That's why knowledge of genetics helps. You just throw them completely off their feet.

On a slightly different note, my MIL spent most of my DS's first year of life claiming that he'd still change his eyes from blue, which are like hers. It was as if she wanted to be the only one to have blue eyes in the family.

Spindarella · 21/10/2014 11:12

I think all MILs come out with this stuff don't they? Mine takes typical child behaviours as evidence they are "just like their dad" too - with things like "oh look at him climbing a tree, his dad used to love climbing trees"..."oh look at him drinking milk, his dad used to love drinking milk..."

Doesn't bother me really, but then I know there are no hidden messages there.

DeWee · 21/10/2014 11:20

When dd1 was born she was very much pfbgc for mil and she compared everything she did to one of her family. To be fair she did look more like them (she doesn't now), but it was every mannerism etc.

One particularly bad weekend when dd1 was 2yo, she had compared everything. We went out for a walk, and she held out her hand for her. Dd1 didn't want to hold her hand so she deliberately put both hands behind her back.
MIL: "Oooh ds (dh's db) used to walk round like that all the time."
Me: "She just doesn't want to hold hands"

I suspect fil said something later as she was never quite as bad after that.

Actually all my dc have dh's hands, he's got pianist's long fingers whereas I have tiny hands.

NewEraNewMindset · 21/10/2014 11:42

I'm going to possibly be a MIL one day (precious only born is male) and I cringe at these threads. I can only hope and pray I am one of those lovely cool MILs and not the scary variety that I read about on here, day in day out.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/10/2014 11:44

Yabu. It's a normal thing to comment on - they are fascinated with her.

Spindarella · 21/10/2014 11:52

NewEraNewMindset
I'm going to possibly be a MIL one day (precious only born is male) and I cringe at these threads. I can only hope and pray I am one of those lovely cool MILs and not the scary variety that I read about on here, day in day out

My MIL is great, but then I don't feel I'm in competition with her or that she hates me. I'm a nice person, I make her son happy - why wouldn't she like me? I can imagine someone with insecurities could take every innocuous comment as a slur on their parenting or marriage.

Brassrubbing · 21/10/2014 12:02

My MIL also says this kind of thing all the time about my 2.5 year old. Every single one of his traits, physical and mental, derive from his father, or at least their family - the fact that he is a sturdy, blonde, pale-skinned blue-eyed toddler who looks hilariously like my toddler photos, whereas his father at the same age was a skinny, tiny, freckled, dark-eyed and dark-haired scrap seems to have passed her by! His intelligence and the fact that he's very verbal very young also obviously come from his father, and my career as an academic and writer, and my Oxbridge doctorate, are beside the point!

crazykat · 21/10/2014 12:05

Yanbu to find the incessant comparing annoying.

As pp said there's a theory that new born babies are genetically designed to look like the father in order to help them bond. Mothers usually have an instant bond due to carrying the baby and giving birth whereas for the father the bond begins at birth. That's the theory anyway.

Dd1 was DHs double at birth. Mil had a photo of him and dd could have been the same baby down to the expression on her face. 6 years later she's my mini me down to the attitude . I though it was cute that she looked so much like DH as a baby but mil only mentioned it once or twice and dd was his double.

Now it drives me nuts that everyone always goes on about how much he looks like me.

Our other DCs are a mix of both DH and me which evens out the comments about dd and me.

I can see how it would get to you but try and ignore it. Or use one of the comebacks others have mentioned.

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 12:17

My MIL made it quite clear she doesn't like that her DS(my DH) is now across the country because we met at uni where he was already across the country- she blames me for him not coming back however. I nice,honest! Like ice said, it's not the comments it's the excessiveness of them and the fact that they say she's 'nothing of you' so often. I try to be extra nice to MIL because she makes me feel so guilty for taking her DS away sometimes!

OP posts:

Charltonangel · 21/10/2014 12:20

Everyone says that my DD is the spitting image of DH. I alsways respond with 'yes, the lucky girl got my brain'

Spindarella · 21/10/2014 12:24

Yeah I did that too froootbat - DH never went home.

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 12:29

@spindarella it does make me feel insecure when I see her, which is probably why I'm being a little over sensitive

OP posts:

CornChips · 21/10/2014 12:32

You did not take her little boy away, he as a grown man made a decision about where he lives. She sounds manipulative if she makes you feellike tht though.

themummyonthebus · 21/10/2014 13:25

My DMIL and DM are lovely and rational, my DFIL on the other hand... DS was the spotting image of him. Not only that but every single mannerism is exactly the same as what DFIL does. Look, he's holding his head to the side! I do that too! says DFIL. It's very wearing.

It has stopped now after the unfortunate incident of my DDad and an old photo, but I don't know whether to be happy or sad that they haven't started again with DC2. They do seem obsessed with checking whether his beautiful auburn hair is fading to blond though. (It's not, just in case anyone else is worried )

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 16:42

@cornchips she certainly has her moments
We were young to get married (well, I was at 21 anyway - him not so much) and that's been pointed out several times. And she makes ""jokey"" remarks about her baby boy being stolen from her too, just makes me feel guilty, especially as I know I'd hate for my DD to live away from me and she plays on that too 'well, how would you feel if DD moved across the country from you and you only saw her twice a year'...
It's always me who arranges to go up, however - DH wouldn't go more than once or twice every couple of years otherwise!

OP posts:

UncleT · 22/10/2014 07:51

Odd? Pretty bloody typical, more like....

LeoandBoosmum · 23/10/2014 03:10

I think maybe she's just reminiscing about her son through her grandchild. Was your DH her last born by any chance?

Original poster

froootbat · 23/10/2014 08:15

@leoandboosmum
Yes he was, I do understand that and that she loves her and everything and I like that it's just how much she goes on and on about it, as if I had no part in her existence is all that bothers me :(

OP posts:

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