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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think this is an odd thing to say?

125 replies

froootbat · 20/10/2014 22:08

DD looks like DH, I know, he knows, the cat knows everyone knows. However my MIL and FIL do tend to go on about it a bit, but I get that they're proud etc... So I try not to let it bother me much because it's not important (though I don't think an hour goes by without some comment about how she 'so looks like DH, definitely not you' when we visit). But this weekend my MIL was in the middle of going on about how she is DH's double when she grabbed her hand and said her fingers are just like DH's too. Now, to me that just seems like a weird thing to say? It almost feels like she is making her out to be all him and none of me? I know I'm probably overanalysing it and being over sensitive but she does have some of my features and I did the whole growing and birthing thing yet it feels a little like she can't see that she's my DD too even down to her finger tips. It just seemed a little much to me really and that comment has really stuck at me. AIBU?

OP posts:

YellowYoYoYam · 20/10/2014 23:13

I did get a lot of well Mr. Froootbat just slept and ate as a baby, little froootbat is exactly the same

Yes, we got the flip side of this: "Eldest DS never slept either, just like your DD." But when DH asked for advice, they were unusually silent!

I do try to take it as some kind of compliment, I know they love our DCs so much and just want to feel connected with them. It's getting easier as they get older and can share real experiences with them rather than just projections.

TeamScotland · 20/10/2014 23:13

My mother has a similar obsession. 4 grand kids. When my niece was born my mother would even say she didn't like photos where my utterly beautiful niece looks more like my DSIL than DBro. I always chose the DSIL-alike pics to put in a frame to piss my idiot mother off. My 'D'M should be glad, my DSIL is gorgeous and my DBro looks like a hairier Dylan Moran.

My own DDs, one has her dad's face (minus the beard thankfully) but different colouring and the other must have been swapped at birth for someone else's baby. She's nothing like any of us

Original poster

froootbat · 20/10/2014 23:15

I have said that she's definitely not the milkman's (more's the fact we don't actually have a milkman...)
Like I've said, really it doesn't bother me at all about her looking like him, it's nice, I like that she looks like him he is lovely to look at! But it does get to a point where it feels like I am pushed out of the family, I have been since DH and I got together, and I thought it would get better after having DD but it hasn't been... It feels worse than ever now because it feels like she doesn't think of me as her mum, but more as her incubator for her son's DD instead of it being a joint effort as it were. I guess I feel a bit excluded from his family anyway, but I just feel like they could make a bit of an effort to talk about something else, maybe actually talk to me, or make reference to the fact that I am her mother, rather than just letting me sit there holding her while they ignore me and talk about how much she looks like DH while examining her. I'm surprised they didn't get out a magnifying glass!

OP posts:

Original poster

froootbat · 20/10/2014 23:21

Oh that got deep, I am projecting! It's something I can't talk about with DH, they;re his parents and quite rightly he loves his parents and don't get me wrong they're nice but his MIL doesn't seem to be my biggest fan and I can't help but feel she says these things to annoy me anyway -- we won't go into the fact she talked about DD not having my 'build' as in: 'oh, she doesn't seem to have your build does she? Not rounded like you are' after I said that I felt HUGE since having DD - the same woman who told me that I shouldn't have my hair up for my wedding because my 'face is too fat' ahem
I was tiny when I was younger, but puberty happened, booooo!

OP posts:

Coolas · 20/10/2014 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mascaramascara1 · 20/10/2014 23:36

I would count yourself lucky op.

I have 2 ds's. Ds1 is very like dh. Which MIL goes on and on and on about.

However, ds2 is the image of D BIL. They have exactly the same face shape, eyes, height, build, mannerisms.

Unfortunately for me, dbil lived with us for a year after his dw kicked him out, and moved out when ds2 was 2 weeks old. To MIL, this is evidence enough that there is, in her mind, clear doubt over ds2's paternity.

My MIL over the years has made regular pointed comments about how weird it is that ds2 looks so like BIL. And if she didn't know any better she'd think he was his son (complete with accusing side glances at me).

I can cope with this, in private, take deep breaths and put it down to her being a bitter and twisted old bint. But she outdid herself on ds1's 6th birthday (ds2 was 4) when she 'joked' to a group of ds1's friends parents that we were all a bit unsure about who ds2's father actually was. But, she wasn't really that concerned because either way she was his Grandmother after all, ha ha ha...

MrsBennington · 20/10/2014 23:56

My DH and my son are twins separated by 37 years - tis freaky! DD looked just like her brother as a baby but now resembles me

Original poster

froootbat · 20/10/2014 23:57

mascara I am literally jaw dropped stunned here, that is just something else isn't it? wow. How do people think that it's ok to be that rude??

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 21/10/2014 00:04

Mil "Oh she looks just like daddy and she's so clever, although that's not surprising as so is her daddy."
for the record, her daddy is clever.... But so is her mummy with similar exam results (in fact I beat dh by 2 per cent in our law exam!) Oh and dd actually looks just like me at her age (6). I smile and then take the piss out of dh later. My df added a photo on fb of me comparing it to dd - that seems to have shut her up a bit lol.

pieceofpurplesky · 21/10/2014 00:28

I don't know frooot - maybe because he is my double and looked nothing like her son (ex DH).?

She is an odd woman anyway! Lovely, but odd

Sprink · 21/10/2014 00:42

You might be being unreasonable, OP; you're definitely being sensitive. But that's okay.

Your MiL might be insensitive (she is) but she might just be reliving some wonderful moments in her life. Sentimentality and all that.

Funny suggestions aside, I wouldn't do anything other than, possibly, be curious and ask interested questions:

"I agree! What was he (DH) like at this age?"

"Yes, the fingers are just like DH's. What side of your family did they come from? Or was it your husband's side (grandpa)?

People love attention, mostly. For whatever reason she needs more than most and tries to get it by excluding you. If you include her, you'll give her what she needs to make her happy and she'll think better of you.

It's not ideal, but it would probably work.

Executive Summary: be interested and nice to her--she'll have to re-evaluate her silliness/rudeness and you'll enjoy your life more.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/10/2014 07:44

I have a niece and we all [her parents, our side of the family, SIL's side of the family] ALL regularly look at each other and say 'That's not from our side!' with an accusatory [comedy] glare].

Lweji · 21/10/2014 07:57

I keep saying that one of my nephews looks just like my brother's FIL. He does. Spitting image. But their side is always at pins to point out that he also looks like my brother. Maaaaaybe the eyes. Hmmm.

But they grow up and change a lot.

Caillou · 21/10/2014 08:03

According to my fil, dd is the copy of dh's sister, you should see the photos, they really don't look alike (at the same age)

bigjimsdiamondmine · 21/10/2014 08:07

Yabu. I get it's annoying but it's not odd per se. I get this all the time with my dd but it doesn't bother me at all really. I just agree (she does!). The woman in our local shop always goes on about it for five mins or so when we visit, but it's nice, she's just being friendly. Sometimes people say "I'm sorry but she looks nothing like you", and I always wondered why they were sorry, because I'm not, I know she's mine, and it's a fact she looks like dp! But it seems it does piss some people off so now I know why! Also, I suppose if your partner was a complete asshole it might be an unwelcome reminder.

textingdisaster · 21/10/2014 08:11

Have not read entire thread. Can identify OP and YANBU.

When ds (who is mixed race) was a baby sil was examining him. Looking at his hands which were then quite a lot lighter than his face. She was talking to ds saying "where do they come from?" several times in baby talk. Seeing as I am the white component of the mixed race bit I felt a bit , like where do you think his white hands might come from .
Same sil cannot stop going on about how alike my dd and hers are. To be fair this is true (they both take after mil (who was very beautiful (stealth boast!)) but when she compared my 3 dc to her three nieces and nephew - as if each was a carbon copy of one of them, it was a bit much. As if only the genes from h's family have any impact . In any case it is not even true, both ds and dd1 are mixtures of my family and h's.

The whole blood is thicker than water thing is excluding. This is the same family where the adults refer to h as uncle his name and me by my name . As a consequence I don't really feel like an auntie to any of his nieces and nephews.

Sorry, rant over .

textingdisaster · 21/10/2014 08:17

This is the same sil who once told me that she talks to me when she was bored of talking to members of her (and h's) family. You can see this in action as well. At times she is chatty / polite, at others she behaves like I am not there. Literally.

This has meant that I don't relish going to see h's family as it is a weekend of being a nobody. Makes me really appreciate my own (smaller) family.

textingdisaster · 21/10/2014 08:19

she is bored

capercaillie · 21/10/2014 08:21

Sadly MIL passed away before our DD was born...DD is the spitting image of her as a child. DH genes do seem to be stronger in both childrens looks!

textingdisaster · 21/10/2014 08:27

And though dd really does look like mil, in profile she really reminds me of a photo of me as a child. Feel this silly / irrational desire to carry this photo of me around so that people can see that bit of resemblance to me too .

I think some of this is not helped by the fact that I do not really like h's siblings. His mother is laid back, gentle and calm. They, on the other hand, are short tempered, defensive, always right types.

Sorry, must stop going on. It's quite cathartic to get it all off my chest though .

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 08:33

@sprink I do, I'm chatty and ask questions about DH because I like all that but I still feel about excluded, especially when she doesn't seem to recognise me as my DDs mother! I'm just going to have to get over it, it's not something she's going to give up on!

OP posts:

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 08:39

@caper I'm sorry to hear that, I do love that my MIL loves my DD so much please don't get me wrong, it must be hard for your other half to not have his mum around :(

@texting wow that sounds like hard work! Can totally identify, I insist on putting uncle and Aunty in birthday cards even if they don't call us that because We are so ner! My DD calls all her aunts and uncles Aunty and uncle so it just feels normal to me (my whole family insist upon it for everyone, so it feels weird not to!)

OP posts:

dotdotdotmustdash · 21/10/2014 08:42

My DH is mixed race Asian and I'm fair-skinned and light-haired. Both our DS and DD have tanned skin and dark hair and eyes. They are the doubles of my DH and his sister. When they were little I was asked several times if I was the Nanny! I don't care, they're both gorgeous and way better looking than me :-)

Original poster

froootbat · 21/10/2014 08:45

@texting isn't it! I don't dislike my mother in law - she's a LOT better than she was when she actively disliked me anyway - but I get what you mean! I love love love my B&SILs though, even they noticed it was a bit much and my SIL did say that she had my nose... Away from our MIL and afterwards so the conversation didn't start AGAIN! But she's the sol related to family by marriage and she gets the same exclusion from the MIL so we got a little solidarity going on haha!

OP posts:

Pensionerpeep · 21/10/2014 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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