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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU' Men are as faithful as their options'.

174 replies

needyoumorethanwantyou · 19/10/2014 17:58

The US comedian Chris Rock said this a few years ago. Obviously it was a glib comedic response to the Monica Lewinsky scandal and the response by his male political opponents about how disgusting it was yet, it was very unlikely anyone was 'trying to blow them' in political office and if someone was trying, they'd probably do the same.

Obviously everyone is an individual and women cheat too so I'm not just talking about men but AIBU to think there's some truth in this?.

I see so many threads on MN about long (decades in some cases) relationships when an infidelity comes out of the blue. I don't believe that all of these men/women were unhappy in their relationship beforehand. I think most of them were.....before they were presented with another option.

Shirley Glass even says in her book about infidelity that people need to have strict boundaries about interpersonal relations outside of their romantic relationship, particularly with work mates. But isn't that saying that if someone has chance to spend enough time with someone else and there's mutual attraction, an affair will often follow?.

It's happened to friends of mine who have been devastated by apparent complete changes of character from the partner they thought would never be unfaithful.

I also know of partners that aren't cheating but do try it on with other people and if they weren't knocked back, they would be cheating!.

And I totally disagree with this idea that OW/OM cause the problem, 'offering it on a plate' or whatever. I think it's that the cheat probably wasn't presented with an alternative to their spouse/partner before and when they were - they went for it.

I am a bit world-weary I admit!. But often when I hear 'oh, they'd never cheat' I do sometimes think...maybe that's just because they don't have the opportunity.

AIBU?.

OP posts:
Mascaramascara1 · 21/10/2014 09:33

Think what you like. We'll all be hear to post support when you find out the truth

Wow...bitter much?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/10/2014 09:34

You're the one with the little group of married men who you might have a thing with - who knows what the future will bring? I like to keep my options open - you're the one who doesn't really care about women.

The OW posting her support to the wife. How very funny!

Sliceoffacutloaf · 21/10/2014 09:39

Wow Joan! ShockSad

JJXM · 21/10/2014 10:11

I've never cheated in any relationship - the good, bad and abusive. I never would. I've been with my DH for twelve years and I've had a couple of people that if I was single then I could see us together. But I cooled the friendship and kept my distance because I am faithful. I know DH has had opportunities too but has not taken them. Our marriage, children and life together are more important than a quick shag.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 21/10/2014 10:20

Both me and my husband have had a lot of opportunity to cheat, lots of options. We both work in jobs where you encounter attractive professional people, work away from home a lot, work on intense projects with members of the opposite sex. The only thing stopping us having affairs is- we don't want to. I kind of feel good knowing that I have plenty of opportunity but I don't use it, I think he feels the same. I do have the odd 'what if' thoughts but have never ever done anything remotely affair-like.

I think it's fairly tragic to think the only thing stopping someone is opportunity! Equally, I think lots of men/women do cheat very easily, and seem to manufacture opportunities- Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with his fairly plain housekeeper. Similarly I had a female colleague who could manufacture a flirtation out of thin air. Some people go looking for trouble essentially.

Sliceoffacutloaf · 21/10/2014 10:25

I worked in a v male environment, often away from home. Some men cheated. Plenty didn't. They just switched off that bit of their brain. My boss, a v handsome charming man had plenty of chances and we talked about why he'd never done it despite being able to get away with it. He said he agreed it seemed like the perfect crime, but what it would do would make him respect his wife less. And then if he did once then he was more likely to do it again. And feel even less respect for his wife and treat her badly. So he never ever did.
I thought that was a very mature way of looking at it. Really lovely bloke.

Sliceoffacutloaf · 21/10/2014 10:28

Obviously he'd have shagged Joan though...

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 21/10/2014 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suzannewithaplan · 21/10/2014 11:33

He said he agreed it seemed like the perfect crime, but what it would do would make him respect his wife less. And then if he did once then he was more likely to do it again. And feel even less respect for his wife and treat her badly. So he never ever did

?
He has weighed up his options and concluded that he has more to lose by cheating than he has to gain. Cheating would make him view his wife differently and that would detract from his enjoyment of his marriage.
He is acting out of self interest?.

I would suggest that mostly we all do this, weigh things up and act according to what we perceive to be our best option.

?

Suzannewithaplan · 21/10/2014 11:44

Then again how do you know that Mr perfect boss had never cheated, you describe him as charming...to charm is to cast a spell over someone.
A charmer has others believing whatever they want them to believe.
He's the boss, presumably clever if he's able to reach a senior position to lie and manipulate successfully you need brain power, to think strategically and see several moves ahead. ?

Sliceoffacutloaf · 21/10/2014 12:33

Suzanne, he can't do right for doing wrong can he? Shock
If he chooses not to do something that disrespects his wife, he's acting out of self interest!
And he's charming so he's probably lying anyway? Bloody hell rarely have I come across such a man hater! I worked with him, including away from home for long periods, for years and I never had any reason to think he'd ever strayed. It was no skin off his or my nose if he had, he just didn't.
Maybe, just maybe, trustworthy men can exist in the face of opportunity?

Sliceoffacutloaf · 21/10/2014 12:33

You're not a school governor are you, Suzanne? Just a long shot...

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 21/10/2014 12:39

I don't cheat out of self-interest. Is this weird? I love my husband and want him to stay with me. If I cheat, he may well find out and it would damage our relationship and it would all be gone. All relationships have some self-interest, surely, we are not just in them to make the other person's life better and not improve our own?

Obviously some people never think about cheating ever, but I think if you do have a lot of opportunity and meet attractive funny interesting men who, in another life, could have been your partner or husband or might be if you suddenly became single, it would be odd not to have even thought it through for a second.

Suzannewithaplan · 21/10/2014 12:41

I'm merely pointing out that cheating doesn't just come down to the chances of getting away with it and that, ultimately, we all act out of self interest.
Not such a revelation is it??Confused

Suzannewithaplan · 21/10/2014 12:44

Self interest isn't necessarily bad, mostly it leads to cooperation, the greater good is usually served through people working together and pooling resources.
?

Sickoffrozen · 21/10/2014 13:02

I think men are more likely to take the one off opportunity than women. I work with a guy once who went on a stag do with around 20 other blokes to Spain. He said at least half of them either slept with someone they pulled or a prostitute. 5 even drove to a brothel! All bar one were married. Doesn't inspire me with confidence in the opposite sex! You can never be sure.

Suzannewithaplan · 21/10/2014 13:08

All you can do is try and put yourself in a person's shoes and look at what factors might motivate them to do one thing or another

LurcioAgain · 21/10/2014 13:11

Some people (not just men) are inclined towards infidelity. Some people are naturally faithful. I suspect a large number lie somewhere in the middle - they aspire to be faithful, but external pressures (not just availability, I think it's much more complicated) make them fall short.

happyyonisleepyyoni · 21/10/2014 14:03

The Relationships board is full of women who were convinced their husband would never cheat...until he did.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2014 18:13

how depressing is this thread sad I trust my partner and he trusts me.... we have had the conversations about yeah, but what if... and the upshot was that if he or I wanted to take things further with someone else we would tell each other and finish our relationship first, we are open with each other and chat about 'having pulled' whenever someone shows him or me any interest, its fun and makes us feel good, we love that we are still attractive to other people but are in a committed and above all respectful relationship and 100% know that we would never let each other down on that, not saying a mutual attraction could never happen, but we would never act on it without sorting things out first and tbh we are so good together that it is unlikely that it would ever ever happen.

Which is all very well in theory but the fact is that most affairs happen not because the cheater wants to leave their current relationship but because they want something "on the side".

How many threads are there on MN where the cheater is found out and begs their spouse to forgive them and not end the marriage? Loads. Far more than "oh you found out, good, I am leaving you". And promising to tell each other if you want to leave for someone else is a given, if you are leaving you have to tell them at some point! The problem arises when someone doesnt want to leave the marriage but wants sex with someone else as well.

StrawberryMouse · 21/10/2014 18:33

I agree with it. For both sexes. Maybe not at every stage of life but I think that's true for most people some of the time.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/10/2014 19:35

I like fresh cream cakes but know they do me more harm than good.
I notice them in the bakers when I go past, I'm tempted because I know they are yummy.
I think cor one of those would be good and then go home to my salad.
I could get away with sneaking one, nobody would know, I could cheat and tell the family I was doing really well to resist and nobody would be the wiser.
I don't because they are bad for my health, I don't want to be obese and most of all I'd only be kidding myself.

TheRealJoanWarburton · 22/10/2014 00:38

you're the one who doesn't really care about women

Grin so I'm supposed to 'care about women'? who made me responsible for them? do they care about me? no, they don't. and i'm not their guardian.

in response to the suggestion upthread that I might have 'cracking knockers', sadly not. if only!

Obviously he'd have shagged Joan though - erm, he wouldn't, whoever he is. my options are open but currently the spring on my knees is functioning perfectly well, thank you.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 22/10/2014 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2014 02:06

I do have cracking knockers, no one wants to shag me.....[misses the point completely]