AIBU' Men are as faithful as their options'.

[needyoumorethanwantyou]

The US comedian Chris Rock said this a few years ago. Obviously it was a glib comedic response to the Monica Lewinsky scandal and the response by his male political opponents about how disgusting it was yet, it was very unlikely anyone was 'trying to blow them' in political office and if someone was trying, they'd probably do the same.

Obviously everyone is an individual and women cheat too so I'm not just talking about men but AIBU to think there's some truth in this?.

I see so many threads on MN about long (decades in some cases) relationships when an infidelity comes out of the blue. I don't believe that all of these men/women were unhappy in their relationship beforehand. I think most of them were.....before they were presented with another option.

Shirley Glass even says in her book about infidelity that people need to have strict boundaries about interpersonal relations outside of their romantic relationship, particularly with work mates. But isn't that saying that if someone has chance to spend enough time with someone else and there's mutual attraction, an affair will often follow?.

It's happened to friends of mine who have been devastated by apparent complete changes of character from the partner they thought would never be unfaithful.

I also know of partners that aren't cheating but do try it on with other people and if they weren't knocked back, they would be cheating!.

And I totally disagree with this idea that OW/OM cause the problem, 'offering it on a plate' or whatever. I think it's that the cheat probably wasn't presented with an alternative to their spouse/partner before and when they were - they went for it.

I am a bit world-weary I admit!. But often when I hear 'oh, they'd never cheat' I do sometimes think...maybe that's just because they don't have the opportunity.

AIBU?.

Special - if you read the OP and the thread you'd know that although the quote was about men, we're talking about both sexes.

And that affairs often involve 'decent' people and that's why this situation is so complex.

IMO you can have 'options' left right and center but you will only cheat if you really wanted to.

As a 22 year old woman I'm not exactly short of offers well not so much now I have a DS when I was about 20 and had been with DP for just over 4 years, I could have text any one of about 8 different guys for a bit of how's your father if I wanted to. Some of which where actually really nice, funny and attractive guys who I got on amazingly with. I have spent full weekends camping and sharing a tent with friends who would like to be a 'bit more' with ample opportunity to cheat. But I never did because I love and respect my partner.

I know from experience that even if I am very unhappy in a relationship and have opportunity to cheat I will choose not to and either end or try to improve the relationship. I can't believe I am that unique, or that no man's moral compass is as strong as mine.

So although I'm sure opportunity plays a part I don't believe for a second that it tells the whole story. I will never cheat because I have to live with myself and that is not part of who I want to be. I am sure there are men who feel the same way. But it is impossible to know if someone else will cheat or not until they die never having cheated!

Let's hope you're never in the position where you are really put to the test. Nobody marries thinking that they will cheat or that it isn't forever, fervently declaring that they love and respect their partners. What is the divorce rate now? Even higher separation rate for those co-habiting, I believe although it won't be documented as it's not a formal/legal relationship.

Saying that you won't cheat because 'it's not who you want to be' is a bit glib really. Does anybody actively want to cheat or set out to do it? I don't believe so.

Affairs are not a good thing, not at all, they bring heartache and despair and it was quoted by someone famous that "It's what you do when you're not quite ready for suicide". I'm not really talking about one night stands but longer-term affairs that have the basis of an ongoing relationship. Those are the real threat, in my opinion.

I think cheating usually happens due to friendships where lines become blurred and boundaries crossed very slowly. Pretty much as Shirley Glass described. Of course some people cheat simply because they are arseholes and they can.

The majority don't happen that way.

So I don't agree that people are as faithful as their options.

It's never black and white. Some people definitely have less moral compass than others and would be more likely to cheat. I agree with those who say there are different levels of cheating. I have discussed this very point with some male colleague friends once before, both said they would like to think they would never cheat but if they did it would be because they'd really fallen for the ow, as in it isn't something they could ever do lightly. I honestly don't think my dp would cheat - the dc's and I are his whole world, I think he would be devastated if anything ever changed that. But I except you can't really predict 100% what someone else may or may not do. I guess you just have to give those you love the benefit of the doubt and hope they don't let you down.

I always say I don't trust my partner 100% but neither do I trust my own self 100%

The thing is Lying is that a lot of people just wouldn't ever let themselves get in a position to actually test their fidelity in the first place. Some of us can behave ourselves around the opposite sex and/or know when to stop.

Some of us get choked by their halo's too.

Oh and I did cheat in my first marriage.

It wasn't the person I wanted to be. In fact, my dad was a serial cheater and I wanted to be nothing like him, ever. I had to deal with the guilt for years, the shame of resembling my father. It didn't end our marriage though and I didn't hide it as such. I mean, he knew I met a friend and he knew when I was with him, I think he just didn't care at all as long as he had a roof over his head and had his children under the same roof. I don't believe he really cared what I did. A very bad marriage obviously.

A mix of being very young, very lonely and in a financially abusive marriage with disabled children made me feel like I couldn't leave for a very long time and well, I got close to someone and the rest is history. Funnily enough, we became very close friends again after we divorced.

People judged me, I understand that. I grew up and have never even been tempted in my current marriage, I couldn't think of anything worse! I am a loyal, trustworthy person, I just made an awful decision at an extremely low time in my life because I was too scared to get out and the comfort I got was so wanted, that everything else went out of the window.

I have judged people for cheating myself and have to remind myself that I have no right. I sometimes forget that I was that person, because that person is so far removed from who I am now.

I trust my husband because he has given me no reason not to, but I am not naive enough to trust anyone 100%. Too many people do and fail to see what is right in front of their faces because they have this 100% trust. No one is 100% trustworthy.

I think most people would have the option to cheat and will be attracted to someone other than their partner at some point in their life. Not everyone takes it.

If you're focused on your relationship you don't follow the path of temptation.

I am certain that my brother, father and grandfather have been utterly faithful in their marriages.

Some people will cheat and others won't.
it isn't opportunity or what you can get away with, some people have opportunity, chance, option and don't take it.
You either have the potential to cheat or not.

I think OP has a point. Yes I think some people are potential cheaters but they just haven't had the opportunity but not all. I have been propositioned in the past but I wouldn't cheat.

Well done indeed, SaucyJack, perhaps you could craft some kind of talisman for those of us lacking your undoubted and hitherto, untested restraint. Necklace and earrings would be nice. :)

People with black and white opinions have probably never experienced years and years of loneliness in an unhealthy marriage where you felt you couldn't get out due to low self-esteem, fear and what you thought at the time was a lack of resources.

Because if people had then I think they would realise that it is bloody hard not to fall for someone when they are offering you comfort you have craved for years.

Get out of the relationship first is always good advice. It just doesn't always feel that simple at the time.

I don't want it to sound like a sob story, this was years ago and me and my ex forgave each other and I miss him hugely now he has died. Just don't judge all cheaters, every story is different.

I always thought it was strange that I got judged more harshly for having an emotional affair than my ex did for gambling everything away and controlling me financially and walking away from me during a mental break down It was like cheating was the worst thing someone could do, despite other betrayals that may be going on.

Lifesentence

I have just seen your post, my dh is exactly the same.
I know he won't cheat because he isn't like that and wouldn't want to hurt me.
He is a very honest man, too honest at times but it what makes me know I can trust him.

I think people cheat out of weakness or vulnerability. They are seeking out someone who makes them feel different about themselves. I would guess this is down to insecurity which could be caused by a subtle shift in the relationship over time, not feeling loved or respected, feeling emasculated or less womanly after hardship in any part of their life, or just bog standard low self esteem. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying the non cheating partner is anyhow responsible for making the cheater feel that way... It is more down to the cheaters perceptions of themselves. A new relationship is exciting, especially if the other person mirrors a more likeable/exciting/desirable version of themselves.

morethanpotatoprints... I read threads on 'relationships' board all the time saying the same thing about their husbands/partners:

• Everybody says that he's the last person who would cheat...
• He's always at home with us
• He loves the children too much to ever hurt them/us
• He's always been so honest... hates cheats with a passion

and on and on.

Good people do bad things.

You can keep telling yourself that some of us have never cheated because we haven't been "tested" enough all you like Lying, but it's frankly bollocks.

I'm not hideously ugly or dreadful company and I frequently leave the house unchaperoned and under the influence. I also have an appreciative eye for a nice pair of forearms. Still never cheated.

I judge my husband on my own feelings and behaviour as I don't think there's a big difference between men and women.
I have lots of male friends and absolutely no desire to shag any of them.
If I met somebody I had amazing chemistry with and attraction to I would be flattered if he was interested. Probably thrilled by some mild flirting but would I want sex? No. I don't think so. I wouldn't want sleazy alleyway or nightclub toilet sex and I wouldn't want sneaking to a hotel or his flat sex.
I think my husband would feel the same.

Ha! people said that about me. U2 is loyal, she couldn't hurt a fly, you can trust her with your life.

And that was all true, until life through a curve ball and things changed.

My husband is all those things above and I hope he remains that way. What will happen in years down the line is anyone's guess though... I know NO ONE who was cheated on who thought their partner was capable of it. They all thought their partners were loyal, and didn't have it in them. They were probably right at the time, things happen. You can't ever predict how anyone will act, just like I couldn't predict how I would act faced with a breakdown and being in a toxic marriage. Although I always thought I could before it happened to me.

Agree with Lying.

As soon as I see/hear "he'd never cheat" I think uh oh.

SaucyJack.. have you ever been lonely for years on end? has your marriage ever been so bad for so many years that you have dreamed of leaving but didn't think you could? Have you ever not had sex with your husband for years on end, or had a mental breakdown where your husband refuses to help you or offer you any care?

Because trust me, it is very easy to say you have had opportunities to cheat and haven't. So have I in this marriage and I have refused because my husband loves me and I love him. I am not lonely, sitting in depression feeling trapped.

Of course people cheat with none of this going on. But I think people should be open minded enough to realise not to lump all cheaters together.

Lying

I know what you are saying, but we are very open and he would tell me before he did anything rather than go behind my back.
I don't have to give ultimatums or threats to know he'll be faithful, he has the option to do what he wants to.
He has never taken this option in 26 years, even with opportunity and chance.
My first boyfriend would screw anything that walked and was a right shit.

Please don't patronise me U2- you're not the only one round here who's been in an abusive relationship. I could tell you stories about my older DCs dad that would make your hair stand on end.

I still never cheated. You could've cheated on your ex with the household cavalry for all care, but stop assuming I would do the same.