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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not make DS go to this birthday party

111 replies

newrecruit · 17/10/2014 00:00

DS is 9. He has a very close group of friends who have been friends since reception. We are also very good friends with their parents.

2 of his closest friends have been bullying him over the last couple of months. Physical and nasty comments etc.
I'm currently talking to the school about it as DS had been very upset.

I've also spoken to their parents but they seem to be treating it as more of a falling out/squabble. This is mainly due to the boys not admitting what they've been doing.

It is their joint birthday party next week. DS doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go. I don't even think the boys want him to go.

He shouldn't go should he Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 18/10/2014 18:18

No you're right. Of course they shouldn't.

DH has taken DS2 to their DS2's birthday party. They are best friends too. Traditionally we have always done things together because both brothers were best friends iyswim.

However DS1 was clearly not invited and the other boy and his brother (2 years above DS2) were.

I think we all need to move on now.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 18:50

Yes it is, friends move on and your ds will make more genuine meaningful ones when he is older.

Original poster
newrecruit · 19/10/2014 23:37

DS is feeling much happier about things this weekend and we have arranged lots of lovely things for half term.

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 20/10/2014 12:08

And back down.

This morning DS wouldn't get out of bed and was upset about going to school. He didn't want to carry on with his project because he worried everyone would laugh at him. He has also asked to stop some of his after school clubs.

I have written to the school to request a meeting.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 20/10/2014 12:11

This is awful. Yes you have done the right thing organising the meeting. No child should feel like that about going to school

BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 12:17

Your poor DS.
Our DC was bullied and it was awful to see the impact it had on his personality. Try to have a meeting with the highest member of staff that you can. Ask to see their bullying strategy and ask them to tell you the steps they are going to implement to fulfil their duty of care to your DS.

I found our school kept wanting to derail conversations round to why the bully might be acting a certain way. Try not to let that happen. Keep the focus firmly on your DS.

Flowers for you and your DS. It's a horrible, horrible time.

BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 12:18

Sorry, I meant anti-bullying strategy!

Poledra · 20/10/2014 12:20

OP, I have no sage advice to offer you, other than that already given by previous posters.

However, I saw that you were thinking of speaking to a neighbour who is a school governor. I am a school governor and, if someone approached me about a matter like this, then I would only be able to say 'I'm sorry there is a problem but please talk to the headteacher' and refer them to the school's policies on the website. I just want to let you know that your neighbour is not brushing you off but that we, as governors, absolutely cannot get involved with something like this at school unless it comes up through the proper channels (so, in our school, class teacher, then headteacher, then Chair of Governors and finally Full Governing Body).

I do hope you find a way through this for your little boy.

MokunMokun · 20/10/2014 12:34

You need to cancel the party as soon as possible.

Don't discuss this with the parents anymore. Let the school deal with it.

Good luck! It must be utterly heart breaking.

lynniep · 20/10/2014 12:35

I'm so sorry to hear your DS has been having such a hard time. We have had a very similar situation with ours for the last few weeks. (DS1 is 7 so its Y3's) There is one boy who influences many of the other children, and not in a good way, and instigates bullying against the children who 'choose' to join his 'gang'. (I say 'choose' because I suspect those children feel they have little choice) On of them is the son of a good friend who my son has always been friends with. My son has been very upset and confused about it all.

Its being dealt with positively although its by no means resolved. The school has been very good at dealing with the situation (which is a playtime occurance) They know who the instigator is. They monitor them at playground a bit more closely now and try to move them away from the 'pushier' games played towards team games.
They are addressing the issues DS1 is having as he has been so anxious about school - his class teacher has given him a special chart to 'score' his day at various points (when he arrives, before playtime, after playtime/s, end of day) and they discuss why he has given those scores, and they have also organised him a counsellor once a week. This extra bit of attention and focus on him seems to be doing him good. All the children involved have been spoken to multiple times (it didn't sink in the first couple) although I don't think parents have been informed apart from those who have specifically mentioned it.

My friend has been wonderful. We both know our DS1s are no angels, but she had no idea what was going on in school. I felt that after we reported it to the school, that I should make her aware, and they were shocked and surprised and they had a stern talk with their DS1. He admitted what he'd been doing and promised to behave better. We have been chatting since I first told them, to try and monitor the situation. It has been quite strained but I'm glad we spoke about it. She has been nothing but understanding, and she is very concerned about her DS1 being 'friends' with the boy who instigates. My son is still wary about being with her DS1 although his behaviour has improved, but I'm hoping that this will pass. In the meantime, we are still doing the child swap one morning a week (which is only for about half an hour before school) which we have always done and the boys seem ok with each other and we can watch them a bit more closely in this scenario. I think my friend will understand though if my DS1 doesn't want to attend her DS1s party next month.

sorry that was a lot of words, but essentially our situation is being sorted out positively. I hope yours can be too xx

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/10/2014 12:35

Thank you.

I realised that my neighbour is actually a governor of infants not junior school Smile

I've written to the school with a full history, including a picture DS had drawn after bedtime about the bullying and how the telling the teachers hadn't helped. I have requested a meeting with the head and asked for all of my correspondence to be put on file.

I've printed off a copy of their anti bullying strategy and so far they have only implemented stage one (talking to boys in question) despite my frequent conversations.

Thank you all so much. I don't really feel like I can talk to any of my friends about it as I don't want to appear like I'm bitching about one of our mutual friends.

OP posts:
knickernicker · 20/10/2014 12:40

The problem with school anti bullying policies is that they talk the talk but the actuality if their implementation is so different.
Kids who are enthusiastic or 'random' as the other mun put it are so vulnerable to this cruel insidious type of bullying because they can easily blame the victim and teachers unwillingly collude because the others will complain.
I think you need to be very focussed when you meet the head. Explain the dynamic, let them know how his confidence is slipping.
Consider a fresh start in a new school. It night br helpful to google ADHD and bullying. Although your ds doesn't have this, there will be tips that are relevant.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/10/2014 12:43

The irony is, the main bully had issues with pushing etc earlier on in the school with another boy who has Aspergers.

His parents went to great lengths to see this boy was suspended and are still irked that he wasn't expelled.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 12:55

lynniep your school seems to have dealt with it amazingly well. It's so heartening to hear that there are anti-bullying strategies that work and that there are schools who are alert to the impact on the bullied child. Hopefully it will also give the OP some ideas to take to her meeting.

With our issue, playtimes were a definite flashpoint and structured play supervised by a teacher was one solution they mooted. Ultimately they didn't implement any of the solutions and we had to move school but I do think bullying can be resolved if the school is motivated and consistent.

lynniep · 20/10/2014 13:09

I'm glad you've written to the school OP and included DS's pictures. We did that for DS1 as well as he clams up and won't speak to anyone when he's distressed. His pictures are very clear and just a bit heartbreaking for us to look at :(
Yes bookaboosue I think the school have been great - he had an episode at after school club a couple of weeks back when he just broke down and sobbed and wouldn't speak to anyone - I think after a situation earlier in the day he'd just reached breaking point - this was the point at which they realised it was a bit more than just an unhappy kid and have been doing their best to support us since then. So I am very pleased that they are doing their best to combat the situation. Its parents evening tonight so I will get the chance to have another catch up.

Original poster
newrecruit · 20/10/2014 13:16

DS had included bullet points Grin

It actually looked like a SWOT analysis. GrinGrin

OP posts:
lynniep · 20/10/2014 15:28

Ah mine doesn't do bullet points. He is fond of labelling though :)

BookABooSue · 20/10/2014 16:17

lynniep your poor boy sobbing at after-school club Sad I hope you have a happy report this evening.

newrecruit I hope your meeting goes well too.

IsItMeOr · 21/10/2014 08:29

Wow newrecruit just read about the parents' previous intervention re a child with asperger's. That is very telling. They are not coming across as very sympathetic at all, tbh they strike me as bullies themselves. It is very clear that they think being different is a good reason for driving people out of the group (full disclosure - DS has asperger's, so this is sensitive point for me!)

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job. Hope the meeting with school goes well.

Original poster
newrecruit · 21/10/2014 10:59

The headmaster spoke to DS yesterday.

DS said that he was a bit worried he was going to be in trouble but said 'I enjoyed talking to him, it was very relaxing'

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 21/10/2014 11:44

Also isitme, with the other boy ......

I would say the common theme with the children who had issues with him were the ones with parents who prized 'doing as you're told' over compassion.

I was always very firm with DS that he was to understand that this boy found some things more difficult than his friends and therefore he was to take that into account. Lots of other children/parents were like this but some weren't.

OP posts:
jamtoast12 · 21/10/2014 12:05

Sounds awful situation :(

Have you cancelled party? I really think you should or it will completely minimize and dismiss all your efforts to make the parents and the school aware of the situation. I doubt the school will take it seriously if they see you allowing him to go to the bully's party as that makes it look like you don't think it's that bad.

I hope you have cancelled it by now as you've let it very short notice of not. At the very least, the parents will see that you are serious.

IsItMeOr · 21/10/2014 12:09

Thankfully the parents I've had contact with about DS's problems so far have been in your compassionate camp.

It intrigues me that my DS could definitely understand what you're explaining to your DS, and he's the one who's supposed to have problems with empathy Wink.

Just be thankful that your DS got lovely you, and not one of those other parents.

Original poster
newrecruit · 21/10/2014 12:12

I have cancelled it.

Sent my friend (not the one who made comments about DS's behaviour) saying that, under the circumstances it was best we stayed away. I had a text saying "thanks for letting me know" and one from the other with a :-( and a 'hope it sorts itself out'

It's more a point of principle really. If they won't demonstrate to their children that their behaviour is wrong then preventing DS from attending should give them the message - if only because they'll be a present down.

It also demonstrates to DS that he doesn't have to tolerate that behaviour either and keep up appearances.

It was the woman's suggestion that 'we just left quietly if there were any problems' that sealed the deal.

I think it's the injustice of it that DS is affected by most so he is very pleased to be making a stand.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 21/10/2014 12:15

I think I'd be tempted to distance myself from these people on the basis of the treatment of the boy with ASD.

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