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Original poster

to not make DS go to this birthday party

111 replies

newrecruit · 17/10/2014 00:00

DS is 9. He has a very close group of friends who have been friends since reception. We are also very good friends with their parents.

2 of his closest friends have been bullying him over the last couple of months. Physical and nasty comments etc.
I'm currently talking to the school about it as DS had been very upset.

I've also spoken to their parents but they seem to be treating it as more of a falling out/squabble. This is mainly due to the boys not admitting what they've been doing.

It is their joint birthday party next week. DS doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go. I don't even think the boys want him to go.

He shouldn't go should he Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:41

I haven't minimised DS's involvement at all. Hence we've been trying to manage it ourselves for months.

I've told DS that sometimes people want to play quieter games and he should at with other people instead.

He did that and then boys told those other boys not to be friends with DS either and if they were then they couldn't be in the lunchtime football game.

He move it started off with one boy? Then two, then three and now 4.

I've told both parents that if children grow apart and don't want to be friends then that's fine. But this isn't what this is.

OP posts:
MagicCarpet · 17/10/2014 18:46

Is the 'friend' one of the mums of the other boys, or a third party that you're offloading to?

If she's one the boy's mums, is she basically admitting her son's involvement?

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:48

She is one of the mum of one of the boys involved. She believes it of the other boy!

She asked if things had got better. I said no. She said 'well my DS has stopped because we spoke to him and he does as he's told!'

OP posts:
PeppermintChaiLatte · 17/10/2014 18:52

I really feel for you and DS. The bullies' parents have shown themselves up for who they really are. I'm sure your school will have a robust anti - bullying policy and will encourage other, happier and healthier friendships for your DS. You've handled this really well, it's a shame the other parents were too immature and lashed out to divert the real problem...

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 18:56

Oh, the parents who think that their children always do as they're told...riiggghhhhtttttt.

School need to deal with what is happening at school. You can only deal with what is happening outside of school.

Definitely you are doing the right thing about the party, and I would discreetly distance myself from the parents if I were you.

Could you do anything to help DS improve his friendship skills?

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 17/10/2014 19:17

She souds like she thinks if she convinces you that you're a bad mum and your DS is bringing it on himself then she can feel better about minimising her son's involvement and raising a bully. Nice.

Did you make it clear he wouldn't be attending? Or she assuming after her 'wors of wisdom' that you'll let it go?

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 17/10/2014 19:18

well my DS has stopped because we spoke to him and he does as he's told!'

Lmfao, yes I said that about smoking when I was 14...funnily enough I was smoking until 30!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/10/2014 19:23

The parents sounds bad, my little Octavian would nit do anything like that. Your ds is who he is, he does not deserve to be bullied for that, their parents are supporting the bullying. Your ds is best off without them and does not need to go to a party where he will receive more of the same and his safety may be compromised.

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2014 21:44

This book is often recommended for children who are being bullied to read themselves. May be worth a try?

starlight1234 · 17/10/2014 21:56

My DS was bullied by a friends son and his friend. Our Friendship has not survived. I know other people who are in the same position.

Your friendship with this mum will not survive. My advise is take it all to school to sort out. Keep at the school if it is not improving.

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 23:23

Starlight that doesn't skins good. Hmm

I'm hoping I can salvage the other friendship as we have a large close knit group of friends/couples which would be pretty much broken if we fell out.

I feel a bit better about it after a couple of glasses of wine. DH is much more philosophical.

My neighbour is actually a school governor so I might have a chat with her about what to do, if I don't think the teachers are taking it seriously.

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 23:24

Skins? Sounds!

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 18/10/2014 02:01

I can't sleep and I can't stop crying.

I think I'm blowing this way out of proportion and I don't know why.

OP posts:
Scrounger · 18/10/2014 08:41

newrecruit I'd feel the same way. When DS1 has problems with other children (nothing that I would call bullying) I cannot solve it or make it better for him and it is hard to watch. I know that talking to the school and getting them to take action is what you need to do but I feel so impotent not being able to wade in and sort it out straight away. I'm sorry that your friends have let you down.

Original poster
newrecruit · 18/10/2014 09:11

Thank you Scrounger, I can't tell you how much that has helped ??

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 18/10/2014 09:14

Hi new, I hope you are feeling better this morning.
Your reaction might be because you are shocked at the woman's behaviour. You thought she was your friend, and you've discovered that she isn't. She is a woman who judges a small boy's behaviour and decides that justifies her son's bullying and shows no remorse or compassion.

I wouldn't want to chat to her again, far less be friends with her. It's probably better that you've found out her true nature sooner rather than later.

Seriously, move on from her. You will probably be encouraging DS to make new friends and that's something you should be doing too.

starlight1234 · 18/10/2014 09:35

I have re read my post it sounds quite blunt.

I think the reason many friendships like this don't survive is as a mother you are doing everything to protect your child. This woman by refusing to see what her child is doing is the opposite.

You lose faith and trust in this woman.

I did find it worked better taking it into school. It stops you listening to the defensive parent , the school saying it hasn't stopped will be more realistic to her than you saying it hasn't

Original poster
newrecruit · 18/10/2014 10:21

Thanks Starlight - you were blunt but right.

I can't face her again. DS had said he enjoyed a particular subject because he was good at it (design) these boys had said that he wasn't, he was the worst in the class.

When I have this as an example she said "well he's just going to have I learn to block that out. That's always going to happen".

These are not the friends I am looking for.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 10:28

I personally would not like to be friends with someone who takes that attitude over their child's bullying behaviour. There are other friends out there, they are not the only ones. If you see her be polite, but you don't have to be friends with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 10:30

Keep reporting these incidents to school and leave it up to them, as their parents are incapable of dealing with it appropriately.

Halfling · 18/10/2014 10:35

This is heart breaking. I would definitely involve the school. You shouldn't wait for it to get serious and Ds's self esteem to get crushed. Bullying must not be tolerated, not even 0.001% of it.

Original poster
newrecruit · 18/10/2014 13:55

Thank you. I feel so much better about it today.

I think one of my friendships (the other mother) might be OK. She is one of my closest friends and, although I still think she's minimised the behaviour and passing it off as a falling out, her initial reaction was 'I'm sorry this is happening and I hate to think your DS is upset'

I can understand her sticking up for her son against mine, which is why I said I would put it through the school.

It's the fact that the other mother has shown none of this. She has essentially said My son might have been bullying or at least a sidekick but it he has it's because your son deserves it and he doesn't like him anymore.

That's the bit I can't get passed so I'm not going to try.

I intend to keep a low profile with my other friend for a while and see what happens.

I still haven't told her about the party though.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 14:57

You need to say something about the party ASAP, so that tgey can get a replacement due to numbers

Only1scoop · 18/10/2014 14:59

Yes if he has made a decision that he doesn't want to go then let her know ASAP....otherwise more silly ammunition to slate you for messing them around....

whatever5 · 18/10/2014 15:38

Your son shouldn't go to the party if he doesn't want to. As far as your friends are concerned it isn't really surprising that they believe their own son's version of events over yours. I don't think you can really expect them to do otherwise as after all you are doing the same thing.

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