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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not make DS go to this birthday party

111 replies

newrecruit · 17/10/2014 00:00

DS is 9. He has a very close group of friends who have been friends since reception. We are also very good friends with their parents.

2 of his closest friends have been bullying him over the last couple of months. Physical and nasty comments etc.
I'm currently talking to the school about it as DS had been very upset.

I've also spoken to their parents but they seem to be treating it as more of a falling out/squabble. This is mainly due to the boys not admitting what they've been doing.

It is their joint birthday party next week. DS doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go. I don't even think the boys want him to go.

He shouldn't go should he Hmm

OP posts:
mummytime · 17/10/2014 08:26

I would say no - and tell the parents now.

I would also suggest not talking to the parents. They will not take it seriously until/unless the school talk to them about it - what would you do if the situations were reversed? You talking to the parents will only make things worse, and there is little they can do until it is brought to their attention by the school. Because their role is to defend their children, they will be hearing a different slant on everything from their children, and they will be starting from wanting to believe their children. (Often what parents see is the "nice" behaviour, the less nice happens out of parental sight.)

KERALA1 · 17/10/2014 08:44

Don't go. And they will be minimising like mad I'm sure. Lots of "kids hey" rolled eyes and comments about how they fall out then make friends quickly at this age, boys will be boys etc. so much easier for them than facing the fact that their darling boys have a cruel streak....

R4roger · 17/10/2014 08:46

and there will be other friends there?
but oth if he doesnt want to go .....

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 09:18

Kerala, that's exactly it.

I know how I would react if someone told me my child had behaved like that and it wouldn't be like that!

I'm actually really surprised by how much this has affected me. DS has always been bigger than other children, and louder but at the moment he just looks so small.

These boys have always been the good and quiet ones. DS took so long to tell the teachers because he thought that no one would believe him.

I think also I just feel so alone as I can't talk to my friends about it. Either because they are involved or because I will be slagging off others in the group.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 17/10/2014 11:57

I had similar. I wrote them(the parents) all letters, carefully worded. Not sure that would work here. It was different though in that it was a group of boys unrelated to dd seeking her out to taunt her - I think it's much worse if they were existing friends. It will pass but horrid

mum9876 · 17/10/2014 12:14

Agree with mummytime. Just duck out politely and work with the school. It can all so easily end up in an argument with the other mums. What I've found over time is that there are generally two sides to the story. My dd was being bulllied by her two bf for the best part of a term. It transpired a long way down the line that the initial trigger had been dd's behaviour. Not suggesting that's the case here but if I'd gone on only the information I'd been given by dd, I'd have been very misguided and probably quite unfair on the other mums. As it was I went to the school and they eventually managed to deal with it. I'm still friends with the mums as a result.

LemonadeRayGun · 17/10/2014 12:35

He definitely shouldn't go!

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 12:35

I'm sure there is Mum. And I've been careful to in my conversations with parents to preserve our friendship.

DS1 can be annoying, a bit overbearing at times - rather like an over enthusiastic Labrador, which I'm sure they find irritating. However he doesn't deserve to be treated in this way and it has to stop.

I have left it with the school, but thought I should talk to the parents rather than going behind their back, as we are friends.

I do hope it all works out in the end and they can still be friends but right now, I don't want to tell DS he has to suck it up, buy them presents and sing Happy Birthday.

There probably are 2 sides, and their parents are right to defend their children, but I feel there needs to be a consequence for that behaviour, which is that, for the time, he is going to stay out of their company.

If that's what they want, so be it. If it's not, maybe they will moderate their behaviour.

Or will it just make the conflict worse Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 12:37

I should probably add that the activity is go-karting, junior on a track, not those battery ones.

Therefore, given the amount of "accidentally on purpose" shoving and tripping that has been going on, I do have genuine concerns for his safety.

OP posts:
JemimaButtons · 17/10/2014 12:44

From your last post - definitely don't send him.

mum9876 · 17/10/2014 13:17

No I wouldn't want mine to go either.

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 17:12

I am shaking with rage.

Explained to my friend that is to hat was going on I was concerned about the party.

Was basically told that all the trouble was due to DS's 'random' behaviour and he needed some boundaries.

OP posts:
DraggingDownDownDown · 17/10/2014 17:46

ok....

Can she give examples of his "random" behaviour?

Only1scoop · 17/10/2014 17:47

Blimey

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:10

This was at pick up. He was sitting in the car playing the foo fighters at high volume.

I'll be the first to admit he can be a little wild - he climbs trees too far and jumps off walls that are too high.

He has always struggled to sit quietly and shouts out in class. Sometimes he's obnoxious

He is 8.

But he is kind and affectionate and charming and enthusiastic and doesn't deserve to be bullied because they've decided they don't like him any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:10

Her son isn't allowed on the 'big' climbing frame in the park.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 17/10/2014 18:13

new my DD is "wild" like that and you have my sympathies regarding other people's impressions.

My DD is only 6 and already is known as "Tomboy" and "Wild" etc. Her best friend came to play...and broke her ankle trying to keep up with DD on a climbing frame.

It's hard.....let it go though. Talk to the teacher about what you can do to help DS stay calm in class. Flowers

PinkSquash · 17/10/2014 18:15

If it's all down to your childs behaviour, why invite him?

He has good taste in music btw. Smile Sounds a lovely lad and not at all wild with what you've said so far.

Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:16

He is much better in class than he used to be.

It's an 'upward curve' Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
newrecruit · 17/10/2014 18:18

He is lovely.

I've been crying all evening. Essentially my friend has said that my child deserves to be bullied because of who he is, which I have allowed by not bringing him up properly.

I don't think anyone has ever made me so angry where my children are concerned.

OP posts:
PinkSquash · 17/10/2014 18:30

That is just plain nasty of her New no one deserves to be bullied and you can see where her child gets his attitude from.

BookABooSue · 17/10/2014 18:32

Of course your DS doesn't deserve to be bullied.

However the other mum does sound as though she doesn't share your view of what is going on. That may be because she is in denial or it may be that the situation isn't black and white but shades of grey. Presumably the school have been able to shed some light on what's been going on.

In the meantime it's probably good that you know how she feels and can ensure your DS doesn't spend time with them anymore. If he's feeling bullied by the other DCs, he doesn't need to be around adults who condone that.

KatieKaye · 17/10/2014 18:33

that was horrid and childish of her.
In fact, she's displaying the same bullying tactics as her son.
TBH you are both better off without such people in your lives. A mother who labels an 8 year old boy who is too frightened to go to a birthday party is really a piece of work.
Go out for the day with your DS on the day of the party and have a wonderful time. Don't give them another thought because they aren't worth it and the mother is incredibly stupid and lacking any emotional intelligence. You can see where her son gets his abysmal manners from. Really, you should feel sorry for them both - only they aren't worth it.

Meemoll · 17/10/2014 18:37

Yes you need to step away from that mum. Now. Your son is fine, that doesn't sound like random behaviour at all, that sounds like a child having fun. She has no right whatsoever to tell you how to parent your own child.

Hakluyt · 17/10/2014 18:37

Hmm. Is it remotely possible that there is a bit of what my MIL calls "six and two threes" going on here? Everybody involved seems to be minimising her child's involvement.........