High earning partner leaving the country and family.

[finnmum]

Hi all, so sorry this is long but I am desperate for your wisdom on the issue of separation from the partner. Recently separated, still good friends and wanting to do everything right for our two children aged 6 and 9. Last three years my partner was working in another town or even country and eventually he decided to separate for good. He is now living in an European country and has a new girlfriend which I am supportive of as I want him to be happy. He earns almost 600 pounds a day and in his field is expected to continue to earn that.

We were together for 15 years, I was there at the uni when he went to his first job interview and have followed his career first in Europe and the last ten years I have been a stay at home mum in London. I have a degree as we met at the uni and I did an MBA just before I fell pregnant with our first child and haven’t worked since other than doing volunteer work now that the children are at school.

It was always a joint decision for me to stay at home as my ex-partner’s work demanded that he was always flexible, ready to jump on board to a new project which might have been in a different region. I loved raising the children and taking care of our pets and the home. My ex-partner has never attended parent teacher meetings, helped with homework, taught the children a single life skill, never talked about their feelings or cooked dinner.

During the last years it has been very hard for me to keep the daddy alive in every day life with the children, talking about him and making sure we can catch him so the children can see him. Being happy-go-lucky kind of a person he could go for days without talking to the children however he loves them very much and when around is great with them.

Now comes my question.. a couple of months after leaving the country my ex-partner is saying he legally only needs to pay us the government minimum for child maintenance and I should get to work to “fend off myself”. As I am trying to come to terms with the loss and trying to keep everything together this sounds horrible. I attended the job centre and was literally laughed at with too many qualifications and not enough experience. I am willing to take a low paid job however the fact is that after 15 years of supporting him my ex-partner’s view on my input is very hurtful. I know legally he doesn’t have much obligations however how would other people morally see this?

I have downsized in every way I can and am happy to do so, but I am in London in a rented house with no assets and with two children and four pets and things can’t happen overnight. I know that he is a good man deep down, it is just that he has never valued the work of a stay-at-home parent as he prides his birth family as being professional parents as he was raised by nannies when his mum returned to work after four months. He even said to me to send the kids to him he can take care of them As everything has always been done for him he cannot imagine the work it takes and morally he does not see any obligation to support us much further. I have been taken to hospital with exhaustion twice in a few months and my blood pressure is alarmingly high. The children continue to be happy as for them it has always been only me in everyday life and I still try my best to shelter them from my feelings. I know somehow we will be ok, but am I the only one to whom my ex-partner’s view is shocking? Thank you for reading this x

It depends. I support the current law - that I could move a live in lover and he does not get a penny of my money which instead my children inherit and if I marry him I risk all. I think that distinction is really important.

Practically, make a list- housing, where do YOU want to live and bring up the dc ( not near an airport!) childcare, family, job readiness, benefits etc.
make a list of RL friends who are practical and supportive. Discuss your plans with them. Not him. It's really nothing to do with him- he plans to live abroad and not see his children. You must take some decisions, and bouncing them here and a rl friend or family member who puts you first and hopefully thinks he's a knob will help.

Remember all these things take time. Get your living sorted first, schools all set, if your cv is up to date, get it off to companies you like the sound of, and get yourself on linked in- shamelessly network:)

And once you structure your to do list, and put in a workable time line that isn't overly ambitious and share with RL friends your plans- you won't feel so overwrought.

If he calls just put the dc on and distance yourself a bit. He can't have it all ways- telling you how to live and also swanning off and not supporting. Get selfish:)

So sorry this has happened to you OP [hug]. It's no big surprise that he doesn't/didn't value your SAHM status but be comforted that if you had been working, he just would have had different reasons for blaming you (you didn't support me enough, the house was not tidy enough etc). Your working status has nothing to do with him choosing to be a jerk. With your background, I'd recommend doing a RE training course.

what an arse but I agree with poster who said even if you had worked he would still treat you like a breeder whose purpose has ended.

I trust your still young enough with small children to eventually find someone decent and I am sure you will.

dont let him turn you bitter. time is still on your side . My poor Dm got divroced too late for love.

you still have a chance, tie up loose ends as swifly and proffesinally as you can and move on.

I saw this and it reminded me of this thread
www.malverngazette.co.uk/news/11540009.Court_orders_unmarried_man_to_pay___28_500_to_ex_partner/

CFSKate That's fine if there are assets in the jurisdiction - such as a house - against which a judgment can be enforced. It's also dependent on OP being willing to engage in expensive litigation without legal aid in an uncertain filed of the law against a man who can afford good representation . . . I would not do it.

The case on the link says:-

1. The live in boyfriend did not promise the girlfriend half of what her had. In other words she basically lost.
2. The court did find that he had promised her -" But the judge ruled that he ‘did reassure her that she would always have a home and be secure in this one”. " So she got her relatively low sum on that basis.

So my advice to people like I am who would not want to pay out to a lover at all is (a) don't move them in - turf them out every night there are round and (b) if you do move them in both sign a cohabitation written agreement and (c) obviously promise nothing, never get involved with anyone who is prepared to give up work or go part time or whatever and don't marry them if you want to preserve your own money and assets for yourself and your children.

I just found it www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2014/1347.html&query=title+%28+southwell+%29&method=boolean but not read it - too much work to do.

I am sure it will not move me from my position that having a man live in is a massive risk and worth it even if it were not for the snoring, step parent issues and cost and mess of having one around.

Op I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I really think your ex is a fucking tool.