High earning partner leaving the country and family.

[finnmum]

Hi all, so sorry this is long but I am desperate for your wisdom on the issue of separation from the partner. Recently separated, still good friends and wanting to do everything right for our two children aged 6 and 9. Last three years my partner was working in another town or even country and eventually he decided to separate for good. He is now living in an European country and has a new girlfriend which I am supportive of as I want him to be happy. He earns almost 600 pounds a day and in his field is expected to continue to earn that.

We were together for 15 years, I was there at the uni when he went to his first job interview and have followed his career first in Europe and the last ten years I have been a stay at home mum in London. I have a degree as we met at the uni and I did an MBA just before I fell pregnant with our first child and haven’t worked since other than doing volunteer work now that the children are at school.

It was always a joint decision for me to stay at home as my ex-partner’s work demanded that he was always flexible, ready to jump on board to a new project which might have been in a different region. I loved raising the children and taking care of our pets and the home. My ex-partner has never attended parent teacher meetings, helped with homework, taught the children a single life skill, never talked about their feelings or cooked dinner.

During the last years it has been very hard for me to keep the daddy alive in every day life with the children, talking about him and making sure we can catch him so the children can see him. Being happy-go-lucky kind of a person he could go for days without talking to the children however he loves them very much and when around is great with them.

Now comes my question.. a couple of months after leaving the country my ex-partner is saying he legally only needs to pay us the government minimum for child maintenance and I should get to work to “fend off myself”. As I am trying to come to terms with the loss and trying to keep everything together this sounds horrible. I attended the job centre and was literally laughed at with too many qualifications and not enough experience. I am willing to take a low paid job however the fact is that after 15 years of supporting him my ex-partner’s view on my input is very hurtful. I know legally he doesn’t have much obligations however how would other people morally see this?

I have downsized in every way I can and am happy to do so, but I am in London in a rented house with no assets and with two children and four pets and things can’t happen overnight. I know that he is a good man deep down, it is just that he has never valued the work of a stay-at-home parent as he prides his birth family as being professional parents as he was raised by nannies when his mum returned to work after four months. He even said to me to send the kids to him he can take care of them As everything has always been done for him he cannot imagine the work it takes and morally he does not see any obligation to support us much further. I have been taken to hospital with exhaustion twice in a few months and my blood pressure is alarmingly high. The children continue to be happy as for them it has always been only me in everyday life and I still try my best to shelter them from my feelings. I know somehow we will be ok, but am I the only one to whom my ex-partner’s view is shocking? Thank you for reading this x

I know exactly how you feel, my ExH and I split up 3 years ago and getting money out of him is like getting blood out of a stone! He has now buggered off to NZ and left me to deal with the DCs alone, luckily I have a really supportive partner and I work. I don't earn a lot but tax credits make it up to a liveable amount. I asked him this week if he could pay some money into a bank account opened specifically for the DCs so they can buy bits and pieces as he seems to have an issue with giving it to me and was met with "he needs to sort himself first before he can even think along those lines". I have always kept things easy for him for the sake of the children but have finally come to the end of my tether and see him for what he really is, a selfish arse who only ever thinks of himself. I know it's not much help but you can make it on your own, best wishes

Spindarella I expect he will laugh as she can't force him to look take them or he might say ok, send them and then what would she do?

I wouldn't send my child to an ex so they can see how hard things are. They may not send them back again.

Fgs never let the kids visit him abroad or let him have possession ofttheir passports. You will never get them back.

I really feel for you.

I was in a very similar situation 4 years ago. Husband suddenly walked out, as he'd met a new woman and then resigned from his high earning position. My two children were left shocked and speechless. It was horrible. I became ill with the stress. He opened another account, and let the joint account go massively overdrawn (which I became liable for) and then without any warning 6 months later moved to Mumbai where he still is. Hardly sees his children expect for occasional holidays. Total wanker. And to think he was "great" with the kids when he lived with us. We have no contact now - haven't spoken to him for over a year - very sad.
Anyway he is required to pay 20% of his net salary in child maintenance. My ex didn't pay and I had to go through a lengthy court battle to retrieve the arrears. What country is he working in? You may need to enforce through the courts and some have reciprocal arrangements with the UK. Good luck.

Spousal maintenance is not rare at all. Why do you think it is, Daisy?

Letting them visit is very different to 'here you go, you look after them so we can see how you cope'. In the eyes of the law, one is abandoning your dc. Visiting is very different though.

My ex is in Ireland. He's paying now (there's a court order) but I'm still trying to get the arrears from him. The Official Solicitor is sloooooow I've been waiting since March.

No wasn't suggesting she did send the kids but it drives me mad when this happens. A friend is in a similar situation and it' s really frustrating seeing her struggling to feed & clothe kids while he plays Rockefeller with his new gf.

I meant to add that I was also a stay at home mum as we agreed this arrangement would be best for the children. What a terrible decision. I didn't work for 10 years. Previously I had worked in the ad industry and realised my skills set was way out of date by the time I wanted to re-enter. Fast forward - I retrained to become a school teacher and now work in schools as a supply teacher which gives me the flexibility to be at home with the kids if needed. It's been a super tough 4 years but I've emerged stronger and wiser. x

Good heavens OP. You are completely and utterly failing to see that your ex is a Complete twat. You presumably have no other relationship history, as you got together with him so young, so it's important you realise that his behaviour is really shitty.

You need to get yourself some legal assistance. And you need to get yourself some balls. Because going by past behaviour, he will try his damndest to limit the amount he gives you and the children.

In this situation, spousal maintenance would be a given.

"Legal minimum maintenance" would not apply in this scenario whatsoever. He is a high earner. Maintenance will be set on the basis of his earning.

Oh, shit.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

But this is why hell would have to freeze over before I had children 'out if wed lock'.

I agree with Greengrow. Being unmarried is all fine and dandy, if it doesn't involve your sacrificing your financial security. Hope this dickehad is in a REMO country but even then, don't expect much if anything.

That's a bit judgemental, whois! We don't live in the 1960s any more. There's nothing wrong with being an unmarried mum.

Chunderella you are right, he says he will pay the legal amount and also says that whatever amount he pays on top of that is only because he wants to. Which is fine, what saddens me deeply is his attitude more than anything, the feeling I have.. at times worthless really. Yet I try to keep it positive for the children even though all I want to do now is the most horrendous 'you will not pay for them I will not stay here to provide you with children', just accept the minimum not a penny more and stop communicating.

Sadly, there is when a person gives up their financial independence for it without legal protection for him or her, Lady.

Of course I cannot do that, but because I have at times been too accommodating and done everything expect earning money.. if both of us take away what we have worked for.. would he see my point of view? A close friend of ours said that all the life around my ex-partner was brought in by me as for example he "didn't mind" having children. Now he wants to be a dad plus have his salary and a girlfriend. Is this the point where I say she is ten years younger than me.. this is almost funny.

Ladysybil I don't think she meant it from a moral standpoint but a legal one. There is much wrong with being an unmarried mum who is a Sahm - you have limited to no protection under law as sadly this poor op is finding out.

£600 a day based on 5 days a week and 6 weeks holiday with him having them overnight less than 52 nights a year (so less than once a week) for 2 children, he should be paying roughly £1500 a month on CSA calculations. Thats no mean amount considering that it isnt taken in to consideration for tax credit and housing benefit purposes.

What is he actually paying at the moment?

Foxeym and lulatalula, thank you for sharing your stories.