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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

High earning partner leaving the country and family.

112 replies

finnmum · 15/10/2014 14:49

Hi all, so sorry this is long but I am desperate for your wisdom on the issue of separation from the partner. Recently separated, still good friends and wanting to do everything right for our two children aged 6 and 9. Last three years my partner was working in another town or even country and eventually he decided to separate for good. He is now living in an European country and has a new girlfriend which I am supportive of as I want him to be happy. He earns almost 600 pounds a day and in his field is expected to continue to earn that.

We were together for 15 years, I was there at the uni when he went to his first job interview and have followed his career first in Europe and the last ten years I have been a stay at home mum in London. I have a degree as we met at the uni and I did an MBA just before I fell pregnant with our first child and haven’t worked since other than doing volunteer work now that the children are at school.

It was always a joint decision for me to stay at home as my ex-partner’s work demanded that he was always flexible, ready to jump on board to a new project which might have been in a different region. I loved raising the children and taking care of our pets and the home. My ex-partner has never attended parent teacher meetings, helped with homework, taught the children a single life skill, never talked about their feelings or cooked dinner.

During the last years it has been very hard for me to keep the daddy alive in every day life with the children, talking about him and making sure we can catch him so the children can see him. Being happy-go-lucky kind of a person he could go for days without talking to the children however he loves them very much and when around is great with them.

Now comes my question.. a couple of months after leaving the country my ex-partner is saying he legally only needs to pay us the government minimum for child maintenance and I should get to work to “fend off myself”. As I am trying to come to terms with the loss and trying to keep everything together this sounds horrible. I attended the job centre and was literally laughed at with too many qualifications and not enough experience. I am willing to take a low paid job however the fact is that after 15 years of supporting him my ex-partner’s view on my input is very hurtful. I know legally he doesn’t have much obligations however how would other people morally see this?

I have downsized in every way I can and am happy to do so, but I am in London in a rented house with no assets and with two children and four pets and things can’t happen overnight. I know that he is a good man deep down, it is just that he has never valued the work of a stay-at-home parent as he prides his birth family as being professional parents as he was raised by nannies when his mum returned to work after four months. He even said to me to send the kids to him he can take care of them As everything has always been done for him he cannot imagine the work it takes and morally he does not see any obligation to support us much further. I have been taken to hospital with exhaustion twice in a few months and my blood pressure is alarmingly high. The children continue to be happy as for them it has always been only me in everyday life and I still try my best to shelter them from my feelings. I know somehow we will be ok, but am I the only one to whom my ex-partner’s view is shocking? Thank you for reading this x

OP posts:

whois · 15/10/2014 17:46

There's nothing wrong with being an unmarried mum.

There is nothing wrong in the 'morally wrong' sense but it leaves you in a very weak position should you split from
The father of your child if you have at any point sacrificed your own career to have children.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 17:48

Ah, thank you KERALA1

Don't be accommodating, and don't believe him when he pleads poverty. My ex didn't increase his maintenance. I asked him a few years ago as I was too sick to work and he said they had a baby 4 months before I asked and couldn't afford it. He'd said nothing about the new baby to ds. After this he decided to stop paying so I took him to court, and had access to his bank statements. He couldn't afford maintenance but they could afford a second home, £££ in jewellery shops, weekends away every month and charity donations, £££ on meals in hotels etc. The court doubled the maintenance but couldn't backdate it to the date when he left the UK (10 years). He'd been living it up while I struggled to pay the bills and feed our child. He'd screwed ds out of tens of thousands because I believed him when he said he was broke.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 17:50

Sorry, whois

Original poster

finnmum · 15/10/2014 17:52

DaisyFlowerChain, thank you for your advice, I will certainly go back to work, very happy to. I have worked for free as a volunteer support worker for six years and am certainly not afraid of work. Actually, when getting out of the house to work I am skipping! The point is we have to go as far as getting rid of our elderly pet dogs to be able to move to a flat for example, the change is huge and if roles were the other way around I don't think I would pay the legal minimum for my children.

OP posts:

whois · 15/10/2014 17:59

Sorry, whois

Not a problem. It makes me really angry that people can get away without doing the right thing by their children!

Andrewofgg · 15/10/2014 17:59

OP You don't say what country he is in - be aware that there are some countries where REMO does not work in practice. And of course if he is self-employed you can probably say sayonara to more maintenance than he chooses to pay. And no joint assets . . .

You also need to remember that even if an order is made and obeyed it will reduce to half when your elder is 18 and stop when they both are. I know it is obvious but I have had clients who went into denial about losing the bulk of their income in that way.

Best of luck.

Original poster

finnmum · 15/10/2014 18:02

He is in Switzerland sorry I missed that question.

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 18:05

Absolutely. I'd like to see absent parents who evade maintenance charged and prosecuted for neglect. If I didn't feed my child I'd expect the same, so why is it OK for them to do this?

Doesn't maintenance cover Universities now there's fees?

jacks365 · 15/10/2014 18:14

Maintenance doesn't cover tuition fees as students are supposed to pay for them themselves using student loans.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 18:18

Hmm. I have a disabled child so I can see me funding him through university. Seems unfair that his father doesn't have to contribute (he won't do this through choice).

MrsPiggie · 15/10/2014 18:18

Try and look on the bright side. You are in your mid-30s probably, you are well educated and have worked for a bit, albeit not lately. Your DCs are of school age, so childcare is not going to be crippling. There's no reason for you not to be able to apply for junior positions in your area of expertise, where the lack of experience is to be expected (although you probably have some experience since you went on to do an MBA). In a few short years you could be earning a very decent salary and never have to rely on a man again. It's not going to be easy to start with, but you'll manage. I hope everything works out for you.

jacks365 · 15/10/2014 18:25

I do know a couple of fathers who have just switched paying the maintenance to the child once they go to uni but it's another one where it is only a moral obligation to support the dc at that point not a legal one so depends on how good the father is.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 18:27

Well, he hasn't seen ds for 4 years and stopped contacting him for 6 months as a punishment because ds corrected his grammar in an email.

jacks365 · 15/10/2014 18:33

You've always got the hope that he will continue paying and forget to stop it. My dc wouldn't recognise their dad if he walked past them in the street. He's another one who lives abroad.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 18:40

I doubt it. I bet he's marked the date of the last payment on his calendar. I'm waiting for the Official Solicitor/Irish courts to get their act together so I can get the arrears as he's 'reluctant to pay' these.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2014 19:01

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

You'll have to review this to see if Switzerland is covered. If it is then theoretically IF you could get a court order for more than the legal minimum, it would be enforced. Of course, I'm sure it would cost a considerable amount in legal fees.

Would you consider moving to a less expensive area or closer to family? Do you have family or close friends in London to help you out with childcare if/when you return to work?

At this point whether or not he is a 'good man' is irrelevant (although I have an opinion on that!!). What is relevant is that you are now on your own with the children. Don't waste one single more minute on what he is or is not nor apologizing for him to anyone, including yourself.

Greengrow · 15/10/2014 19:02

On university costs - I paid my ex a huge amount because I earn 10x more and our court order says I pay all 5 sets of school fees and also university costs. (We were married and that is in a court consent order)

Also under English law if parents are not living together the student (not the other parent) CAN apply to court for help from the other parent with university costs. It is a strange right and does not apply to children of parents who are still together even if those parents choose not to pay a penny and are millionaires.

lavenderhoney · 15/10/2014 19:04

He sounds a bit of a tool. You have to stop thinking he is your friend, because he isn't.

Its up to him to maintain a relationship with the dc, log when he calls and don't all run round after him, stop treating him like the returning hero when he turns up, and it's up to him to contact the schools, let him do some work.

If he's been self employed HMRC will have his records in this country at least. If you have proof of his future earnings that's good, emails etc.

Personally I would see a solicitor, for the childrens sake as much as anything. You get a free session with some, so go and say what is happening. There may be something you can put in place for the dc- he has a will, I presume? Do you?

And get your benefits sorted out, think where you want to live, near your family? It's up to him to manage his family and the dc, if it's too much for you. And it's very over whelming

ChasedByBees · 15/10/2014 19:05

OP, he's fighting dirty and walking all over you and I suspect he has been or a while.

You need to stop thinking of him as a nice guy and a good friend. He is neither.

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 19:11

There's no charge for getting or enforcing a REMO in the UK If you decide to use a solicitor, they will charge though, but your local county court will give you the forms and guide you as to how to complete them. You don't pay for this.

maddening · 15/10/2014 19:25

Is London important to you? If not I would look at moving to where is important for you cross referenced with where the industry is that your prospective career is based - what were you degree and mbh in? What do you want to do ? You have spent time following his career so now it's your turn - just think - this future is all yours ! If he is one for gambling in to debt then you may have saved yourself a financial mess.

I am so sorry for your lost future and for having to deal with this but I reckon in a few years you might be really successful and enjoying an amazing career and still enjoying your dc - he is the one missing out - what a fool!

Andrewofgg · 15/10/2014 19:51

And if he has a child by this new gf and that breaks down - or if they marry and that breaks down with or without a child - you will be competing with your successor for money.

You need to treat anything you get out of this apology for a man as extra and not count on it going on because it probably won't.

WhoDaresWins · 15/10/2014 20:08

It might be risky being unmarried but it sounds like being married hasn't helped a couple of posters on here get money out of their exes either.

If a man is a shitbag and doesn't want to pay, being married wont make much practical difference.

Andrewofgg · 15/10/2014 20:29

It's not just maintenance. Debt enforcement in this country is a joke. There are changes which could be made, but it's too big a subject for an MN post. And if spousal maintenance were better enforced there'd be some very angry second wives on MN posting about alimony drones . . .

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/10/2014 20:39

People forget to easily about the partners/wives/husbands that they have replaced and don't realise that they could also find themselves replaced in the years down the line. It's the previous wives/husbands/partners who have supported their other halves while they have grown businesses or worked their way up the ladder, so it's only fair that they should be financially acknowledged (I think).

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