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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask to collect my dd when she wets herself

85 replies

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:05

dd (4) has had trouble settling into reception, I have posted many times about it (so sorry for another one!) but she wets herself multiple times daily especially when she is anxious (which she is more often at school than home)

It has got to the point now where she is coming home very sore because obviously the school just don't have the facilities to deal with it to this extent.

We have a referral to the hospital from our gp but we have been told that it will take some time to come through and at the moment since its pretty much under control at home and both dh and I and the school have tried everything all we can do is wait.

I want to ask the teacher that if (when) she wets herself the school call me and I collect her to bring her home and wash her and change her properly I feel like it is not fair to keep her in school when she is sore and smelly (even with changing she still needs a wash).

AIBU to ask this I really cant decide if I am.

She only turned 4 in August so I cant decide if I am just being precious. She is my 4th child and the only one to have had problems like this.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/10/2014 13:10

Does she have to be in school yet if she has only just turned 4? Apologies if rules have changed.

AnotherStitchInTime · 15/10/2014 13:12

When she wets herself is it lots? Only if it is not a full bladder worth then these pads might help by soaking up the urine away from her skin. Also if you put a barrier cream like Bepanthen on her in the morning before school then it should keep her from getting sore.

If you take her out of school her anxiety could increase. Maybe she could do half days while she settles in?

Original poster

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:12

She doesn't have to be in school yet but I am worried about losing the place - I was told that if I take her out they wouldn't be able to save her place and since its the only school in walking distance that would be an issue if she wanted to go back in a year or so.

OP posts:

MsMarvel · 15/10/2014 13:13

I think that would be very disruptive to schooling, to the extent where you might as well defer till next year.

If you are saying it's multiple times a day are you suggesting. That each time you would pick her up, take her home to get washed and changed then drop her back off again? How much time a day would se be actually spending in school if you did this?

Could you not provide the school or your dd with wet wipes or similar? That should keep her fresh enough to get through a school day.

redexpat · 15/10/2014 13:14

If its at all possible i would hold her back a year.

Wolfiefan · 15/10/2014 13:14

Can you send her in with wipes or a little jug (she could sit on the toilet and pour water to rinse off?)

Original poster

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:14

another - it is lots!, I have tried putting cream on her in the morning but she is wetting herself up to 4 times while she is there - it just wears off. The school said no to half days because they think it will be disruptive.

OP posts:

insanityscratching · 15/10/2014 13:16

Your dd should have a care plan and the school should be ensuring that any accidents are taken care of promptly and discretely. If you want her in school demand that they start ensuring that her needs are met if you'd rather wait a while contact the LA and ask about deferring her place for a term or two.

InfinitySeven · 15/10/2014 13:16

Quite a few years ago, my sister had similar issues. In the end, someone went in to wash her with wipes etc at school, rather than bringing her home.

The crux of it was that the school felt that she would be singled out if she came home after wetting herself, and also that the wetting would increase because she was anxious and wanted to leave the anxious situation. The doctors disagreed. In the end we trialled it, and the wetting did increase. She'd wee whenever she wanted to come home, which was a lot, and although we waited three months for it to settle down, it was a lot. She was missing a lot of school.

In the end she started becoming anxious at home about even going to school, because having no close bonds at school intensified her anxiety, and we had to start taking her every day and washing her in the staff bathroom. Wetting did reduce, after a while, although we were still at the school a few times a week. It took quite a while for her to understand that she wouldn't get to go home, though...for a while she'd wee and then stand by the school doors, waiting to get picked up and telling the teachers not to clean her because we'd be there soon.

I'd be worried that the same would happen to your DD.

Original poster

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:16

Msmarvel - we asked about deferring but we were told that she would then have to go straight into year one. I am a little concerned about that as it then seems to add even more problems to next year!. Sorry for being so negative its just really starting to get upsetting now.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/10/2014 13:16

I think I would risk the placement and defer her start.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/10/2014 13:17

What's your schools continence policy?

Tbh at four and wetting herself all the time I'd pull her put and try again next year. She doesn't have to be In school til five and I'm. Sure you can get a bit of work done at home.

Seems ridiculous to put yourself through this.

Original poster

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:19

wolfie - she wouldnt be able to do this she has always been a little behind for her age (she didnt do ok at the 2.5 year check until the 3rd try for example) so I just dont think she is capable of cleaning herself like that yet.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 15/10/2014 13:21

Your poor little one. I agree strongly about taking her out and starting again next year. She is just not ready and that is absolutely fine. In the mean time, she's probably becoming aware of this and making herself anxious. It also would be too disruptive for her and there would be very little benefit of her being there.
It's too much right now to put both you and her through so defer and hopefully by then she will be in a much better position.

jacks365 · 15/10/2014 13:21

If you defer for the whole year yes you lose the place and would need to reapply and go straight into year one however you can ask to defer entry until the Easter term without losing the place. Speak to your education authority about your options.

Littlefish · 15/10/2014 13:25

You have a number of options.

Do the accidents happen throughout the day, or just in the afternoons?

The school should be working with you to put a care plan in place to ensure she is changed as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Would she be better off in pull-ups which would at least draw the moisture away from her skin? How often are the school taking her to the loo at the moment? Are they just asking her if she wants to go, or actually taking her there?

Tell the school that she will be attending regularly but part time until after Christmas. I would suggest continuing to send her every day, but mornings only so that she continues to have a regular pattern of daily attendance. See if she gets on better and is less stressed with part time attendance.

Tell the school that you will be withdrawing her from school until the start of the summer term. Obviously this means that she will only do 1 term in Reception before moving on to year 1.

To be honest, I think your plan to take her home every time she wets herself is the worst of all the options. It will be incredibly disruptive to her and probably the class too.

Littlefish · 15/10/2014 13:27

Also, you have the right to request a place in the following school year if your child is a summer born. However, the Headteacher still has to agree to it. i don't know if it's too late though as your dd has already started school. If I were you I would phone the local authority admissions department and discuss it with them before raising it with the Headteacher.

Littlefish · 15/10/2014 13:30

jacks - you don't necessarily have to miss Reception now. Places can be deferred until the following Reception year for summer birthdays in some circumstances. You're right though in that the OP would have to re-apply for a school place - you don't get one authomatically next year if you had one this year, but deferred.

Itsfab · 15/10/2014 13:30

There has to be other things to try before deferring, surely. Reception is an important year and to miss that and go straight into year one could bring more problems.

I assume you send in plenty of clean knickers and wipes and an extra skirt so she doesn't have to wear anything wet for more than a couple of minutes.

Could she wear a pull up? Is it that she can't get to the loo in time or is wetting herself as a way of trying to control the situation?

hairygodmother · 15/10/2014 13:30

I would talk to the school about it, perhaps you could go in at lunchtime and sort her out? If it's happening every day. I should think the school would rather that she was clean and comfortable. They can't sort her out themselves because of safeguarding rules. I used to be a TA and we were always very grateful when the parent was able to come in and help with their child.

TheOnlySeven · 15/10/2014 13:30

Would you be able to take her out of school and home-educate until you've got it under control?

Lilythewonderdog · 15/10/2014 13:31

The school must deal with this. She needs an EHIC plan which will lead to in class personal support. It is wrong of the school to ask you to come and sort her out. You could hold her back, but I warn you it may not improve much. DS2 is 14 and still has bladder problems. They should be telling her to go to the toilet. In my experience schools just don't understand this. Speak to school SENCO. as for half days, if it's in the best interest of you child it needs to be done. Leaving her sat in wet clothing to get sore is actually abuse. Don't be afraid of using that word when you meet with them.

insancerre · 15/10/2014 13:31

Where will she go if you defer her place?
Because if she goes to a nursery won't she just have the same problem there?
How was she at nursery?

Original poster

Itsjustmeagain · 15/10/2014 13:31

Little - The accidents seem to be throughout the day (I have been called in a few times by mid afternoon because she has worked through all the spare clothes I sent)

I have only spoken to the class teacher about it she just says that dd needs to try harder or that I need to get it under control (not sure how when I am not even there). They said no to pull ups as they don't have the facilities for nappy changing. They tell me they are taking her regularly but that she just wets herself in between anyway.

I have asked for part time attendance but they seemed horrified I am not sure if I can insist on this!

My dh is in favour of home education in general so not deferring just withdrawing her until we or she thinks school would be better. He is at work very long hours though so it would be me doing it and as much as I would like to try I just dont know how good I would be at it! I have no idea how to teach her to read and write and its a little terrifying to think about tbh!

OP posts:

Littlefish · 15/10/2014 13:32

Hairy - the school absolutely can sort her out themselves. Hiding behind a safeguarding label is just rubbish. In my school, no child would be left wet or dirty, they would always be changed, or supported to change themselves if they are old enough.

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