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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it isn't necessary to have the house ever-ready for DSC?

83 replies

CloudiaPickle · 14/10/2014 22:49

DSC are 6&8. My DD is 8, and our DDs together are 2.5 and 6 months. We're moving for DHs job and our new house is smaller. It has three bedrooms and DH has proposed that we put two lots of bunk beds in the master bedroom for the three girls (and later, baby), and that DSS (8) has the third bedroom.

He has told DS his drum kit can be set up in the lounge, limiting the space drastically. He has refused a smaller dining room table his mum offered so the dining room is extremely cramped with a table that seats 8 and we can't fit a highchair for about to be weaning DD. My DD received a birthday present my brother built for her and has played with it every single day since her birthday in June - as has our toddler - but the extra bunk beds mean this will no longer fit in her bedroom, or anywhere else.

I love my DSC and obviously want them to feel welcome and at home but they are here one night per month at most, perhaps a few extra in holidays. DH has agreed this and it isn't about to change so I feel it's unfair on our DC to be so restricted by having the house ever-ready for SDC who are here so little. Both DDs would happily give up their beds for them and camp in the lounge when they stay but DH insists they need their own permanent beds and rooms. AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2014 22:51

They don't need a permanent room - you could keep the big toy in the boys room as it's unused

Or you just get a bigger house?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/10/2014 22:52

Why only one night per month?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/10/2014 22:53

As long as in an emergency they are welcome and can be fitted in I don't see why you need a bedroom filled with beds.

Most people cope with trundle beds and blow up beds or sofa beds don't they?

And if your kids are willing to camp. Put in don't see the problem

LaurieFairyCake · 14/10/2014 22:53

And the drum kit can be kept in the boys room, there's no way that should be in a public room

Get a shed for it? Or just store it in the boys bedroom til the one day a month he sleeps there and put it in the dining room that day

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/10/2014 22:53

Camp out

Toottootcar · 14/10/2014 22:53

Once a month sounds very sad to me.
Your dh has 5 dcs but is moving to a smaller house - not the smartest move perhaps. He seems keen to keep his dcs happy, but I imagine seeing them more often would make them happier than drum kits etc.

backbystealth · 14/10/2014 22:57

Why do they only stay once a month? I can't get past that bit. It's sad.

Fedupofplaystation · 14/10/2014 22:59

What would your preferred sleeping arrangements be?

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 14/10/2014 23:19

He works 3 out 4 weekends so they stay on the one he isn't working. I think trundle beds/camping in lounge is fine for once per month. DDs birthday present won't fit in DSSs bedroom as DH has bought him a double bed.

OP posts:
AuditAngel · 14/10/2014 23:20

Life can be really tough, being part of a "blended family " doesn't make it nah easier. I would find it really hard to justify keeping a room empty other than one night a month and squashing the DC into one room for the rest of the tine.

DH is not English. We discussed our options before moving, which included staying where we were and buying a property in DH's home town. I could not justify spending so much money for a maximum of 1 month a year, whilst squashing together for 11 months.

Could you consider one of the bunks that is a single on the top, a double on the bottom, with perhaps a truckle bed beneath? That would cover the girls. A high cabin bed with a futon/desk beneath would cover DSS while allowing some room for toys plus a desk for DD1.

SoonToBeSix · 14/10/2014 23:23

Why does an eight year old need a double bed , they don't even need a room for one night a month. Curious as to why they can't stay in the week.

PlantsAndFlowers · 14/10/2014 23:24

If they were there every weekend there might be an argument for this, but not once a month.

grocklebox · 14/10/2014 23:30

juts put your foot down and say NO, It's your house, it does not belong to children who stay over once a month.

sleepylittlebunnies · 14/10/2014 23:32

Are they there at other times OP other than the one night a month? If not then dss would benefit more from having the drum kit at his mum's or keep it in a sound proofed shed like my DN. Space wise could you get an extending table with an extra leaf for when they are there. I'm presuming the smaller house is due to finances with relocating to a new area with the job so it sounds like you are stuck with the 3 bedrooms. It is lovely that he wants to be careful that his 2 older dc don't feel pushed out but his plans will leave 5 of you living in essentially a 2 bedroom house for the majority of the time.

You could give your dd8 the small room with a single bed with a spare bed that pulls out or a loft bed with seat that will convert to a bed. Either put the 2 little ones in the master bedroom with a decent sofa bed for dd8 and dsd6 while dss has the small room for the night or have the master bedroom yourselves and move the 2 little ones out of bedroom 2 and in with you for 1 night a month. In the summer DH could pitch a tent in the garden with the older kids. There are lots of options that don't involve you all living like sardines. It would be good though for them to have their own special duvet sets and storage space where they can leave their things.

Iggi999 · 14/10/2014 23:38

Do they visit at other times, just not stay over? I would agree that pull out beds etc fine for once a month, however I don't think seeing two such small children once a month is fine.

sleepylittlebunnies · 14/10/2014 23:39

The double bed in the small bedroom doesn't offer much flexability and will be used for what 10 hours a month, that is ridiculous unless DH is planning for guests staying at other times.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 14/10/2014 23:46

No, no other guests and DSC don't come over any other time. I agree it's very sad, but it has been DHs choice to agree to it/have this career and I don't see that our DC should suffer because of his choice. I'm sure DSC would prefer more space to play rather than barely used beds if given the choice, but he says it's non-negotiable Hmm

OP posts:
NormaStits · 14/10/2014 23:48

To clarify, one bedroom is for one boy who stays once a month? And the dining room is taken up by his drum kit? Two girls have to share a bedroom permanently, with a baby soon, and one other girl once a month? If so, you are not being unreasonable at all.

The children who live there full time take priority. The children who stay once a month can sleep on pullout beds, or a sofa bed. It can be made into a nice adventure, where all children sleep in the lounge every time & have movie night or similar, to make it feel special.

But no, not a whole bedroom for one night a month, when 3 children will be sharing one room permanently.

loubielou31 · 14/10/2014 23:49

My DSs are 12 and 14. Our DDs are 7 and 4. We also have a three bedroom house. DDs have a bedroom each but both rooms have bunk beds. When DSs stay (which is only in holiday time now that they are older and have lives of their own at weekends) DDs share and DSs use one of their bedrooms. It's not perfect because bunkbeds make the room look smaller but it's a happy compromise. Having one room that is only used once a month is madness unless your house is much bigger and you have more bedrooms than permanent occupants. Put your foot down and tell DH to get over it.

LittleBearPad · 14/10/2014 23:58

Why on earth has he bought a double bed for DSS. He's 8?

It diesnt sound fair, sorry OP. I think you need a bigger house or DH needs to realise practical matters mean his non-negotiable stance isn't practical.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/10/2014 00:01

To clarify, one bedroom is for one boy who stays once a month? And the dining room is taken up by his drum kit? Two girls have to share a bedroom permanently, with a baby soon, and one other girl once a month? If so, you are not being unreasonable at all

If this is a correct assessment of the situation YANBU your DH is prioritising his older children over his younger ones and your child.sounds like a bit of a knob really

AlpacaYourThings · 15/10/2014 00:07

Sounds like a lot of daddy guilt to me.

YANBU. Your DH is BU.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/10/2014 00:27

YANBU given the DSCs only visit once per month.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 01:08

He says it's not negotiable

Sorry, who died and made him boss? Tell him to stop being so ridiculous.

Then send back the double bed.

Arrange the house to suit those that live then and make it welcoming for those that don't. One night a month does not warrant having their own room.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 01:10

It doesn't take long to set up a drum kit - so no, it does not need to be 'up' all the time.

Honestly, how did you have children with this bloke? Hmm

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