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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it isn't necessary to have the house ever-ready for DSC?

83 replies

CloudiaPickle · 14/10/2014 22:49

DSC are 6&8. My DD is 8, and our DDs together are 2.5 and 6 months. We're moving for DHs job and our new house is smaller. It has three bedrooms and DH has proposed that we put two lots of bunk beds in the master bedroom for the three girls (and later, baby), and that DSS (8) has the third bedroom.

He has told DS his drum kit can be set up in the lounge, limiting the space drastically. He has refused a smaller dining room table his mum offered so the dining room is extremely cramped with a table that seats 8 and we can't fit a highchair for about to be weaning DD. My DD received a birthday present my brother built for her and has played with it every single day since her birthday in June - as has our toddler - but the extra bunk beds mean this will no longer fit in her bedroom, or anywhere else.

I love my DSC and obviously want them to feel welcome and at home but they are here one night per month at most, perhaps a few extra in holidays. DH has agreed this and it isn't about to change so I feel it's unfair on our DC to be so restricted by having the house ever-ready for SDC who are here so little. Both DDs would happily give up their beds for them and camp in the lounge when they stay but DH insists they need their own permanent beds and rooms. AIBU?

OP posts:

antimatter · 15/10/2014 01:34

He wants to show his Disney dad face to his kids. Somehow his son gets mist of his attention.
Why is that?

SoonMeansNever · 15/10/2014 01:52

Really odd. Has he explained his reasoning at all?

One set of bunk beds in each room, each with a truckle bed under would give 4 permanent beds, and 5-6 as and when the extras were needed for SC, or for flexibility depending on who's sleeping badly etc.
Cot wherever is best, to be moved if req when SC visit.
The large toy then can go in either bedroom.
Neutral decor & their own shelves for kid junk so they feel they have their own space.

Utterly bizarre to reserve a whole room for a child that visits for one night a month, especially if you're willing to be flexible and move the girls around so he has that room to himself on visits anyway. You're hardly suggesting they camp in the garden, just that the permanent residents don't live like the poor relations to keep space free for the more important 'first family'.

Equally bizarre to insist on keeping the drum kit set up permanently. You need a working home, not a shrine to his DCs 1&2.

A long conversation awaits you OP...

mathanxiety · 15/10/2014 01:53

You need to get rid of the double bed and put the drum kit into his room. The drum kit in the dining room is a ridiculous idea. Ideally it would go in the garage or out in a shed where you won't be able to hear it, but a bedroom is next best option.

I think bunks are a nice idea for the girls though murphy beds or airbeds might be even better, and your own family (which is also his family..) would have more space in their room 28 /29 days/nights out of the month.

'Not negotiable'?
He is taking the piss. That phrase is not acceptable.

BramwellBrown · 15/10/2014 02:10

Why would an 8 year old need a double bed? Surely the sensible way to do this would be DD1 in the small room and the little 2 in the other room and just shuffle things around for the one night a month.

If you got something like this and stuck a trundle bed underneath there would be enough beds for the girls in the bigger room whilst DSS slept in DD1's room, but also be enough room not to live like sardines the rest of the month.

lunar1 · 15/10/2014 04:13

One night a month? What a pathetic excuse for a man. Was he like this when you had children with him?

Romeyroo · 15/10/2014 06:01

I agree that non-negotiable is not an acceptable in a partnership. Of course arrangements in a family house are negotiable, unless he is a controlling, selfish prick. Mind you, you seem to be talking about a man who is uprooting his family for a career he wishes to follow, which means he sees two of his dc once a month, and then suggesting that you squash up in a smaller house, with no way of negotiating a better use of space between you.

Are you working yourself? By which I mean, are you stuck with this man? Can you just tell him you are not moving under those circumstances and to fuck off with his 'non-negotiable'? Jeez.

Only1scoop · 15/10/2014 06:09

Sounds like your house is being kitted out like a youth hostel....for no apparent reason....a drum kit played once a month?

Who made him boss?

mumpossible · 15/10/2014 07:18

I think that I agree with your dh. My older 3 children (young adults now) now say they felt very in welcome in thir father's house because they has no 'place'. He married a woman with 2 children a little older than than mine. They had a small 3 bed house. Both of her children had a room each. My 3 children were on the floor 1 in each bedroom. They had mattresses eventually but on after me stating repeatedly that a duvet on the floor was not an adequate sleeping arrangement.
As they got older my children became increasingly reluctant to visit. Now they hardly see the father at all.
Obviously there is more to it than just sleeping arrangements, but I think k they fact that they had no space of their own in hid. House was important to them.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/10/2014 07:23

I remember your other threads, DON'T move in with him.
He's not going to change and you're going to all end up very unhappy.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2014 07:29

Surely the sensible way to do this would be DD1 in the small room and the little 2 in the other room and just shuffle things around for the one night a month.

I agree.

Get rid of the double bed (WTF?) for the 8-year-old boy. Your oldest girl has one room with a single bed for her and bunks for the DSC when they come.

Your two youngest share a room (eventually).

Toys (including drum kits) do not stay permanently set up in communal areas.

Get an extendable dining table with an extra leaf or two.

Your husband sounds unreasonable, dictatorial, selfish and sexist (why does the one boy get to be set up like a prince, with his own room and double bed?!) Don't stand for it.

DonnaLyman · 15/10/2014 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingIsAwesome · 15/10/2014 07:33

Im pretty sure she already lives with him?

TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/10/2014 07:36

Your dh is being an idiot, at best. Dd has a room with a bunk so there's an extra bed, the other two have a bed with a trundle or even 1 more set of bunks. Extending dining table with folding chairs for when dsc stay and drum kit gets a shed/garage.

Or he gets the boot. Non negotiable my backside.

KatieKaye · 15/10/2014 07:43

His behaviour is disturbing. Dictatorial, selfish and sexist.
Oldest girl has small room, and can move out for one night a month. Drum kit goes to DSs permanent home. That is a big piece of kit to store for a once a month visit. Or get a sofa bed and extending table in dining room for DSS. There would be room without the drum kit.
Your DP is very controlling. Non negotiable my arse! He's being a prick and if you go along with this he'll continue to be a prick

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 15/10/2014 07:47

Crazy. Does DSS have his own room where you currently live?
Is there room in the garden to build a 'den' for the drum kit and other paraphernalia?

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/10/2014 07:49

"Disney Dad face"

AlbaGuBrath · 15/10/2014 07:59

Without sounding harsh OP but why the hell did you not sit down and work all this out before putting an offer in?

What he wants there isn't enough room for. He isn't in charge of you and your JOINT home. Put your foot down!

pudcat · 15/10/2014 08:05

Did you post about this man last month? I seem to remember you were pregnant - so as well as the 6 month old will there be another baby to consider as well. You are going to very cramped if he goes ahead with his plans. I would not move.

CaptainAnkles · 15/10/2014 08:06

Stop letting him walk all over you and stand up for yourself and your children fgs. You don't need a drum kit permanently in your dining room on the off chance that your DSS will want to play it on the one weekend he's there. He certainly doesn't need a double bed when you have no space for your DC's toys.
He is being massively unreasonable to think he can insist on these things and refuse to discuss it. I can't even explain how angry I would be in your situation. I'm sure you love your DSC and welcome them whenever they're with you, but if he can't see what a bloody idiotic Disney dad he's being, then I don't know how you put up with him.

Trollsworth · 15/10/2014 08:11

Oh my, no.

My dsc have permanent beds. They don't have their own rooms. Everyone has to jiggle around when they come. DS1 sleeps with his brother and dss, dad sleeps in ds1s room.

And that's fine. They all get on ok. And this is for four/six nights a month. But this is MY house, and my dp visits with his children. He doesn't live with me, which makes it a lot easier for me to make sensible decisions without feeling like I am stepping on anyone's toes.

Arrange it how you want it, and if he won't comply, ditch him. It's ridiculous to set aside a whole bedroom for a child who is there 12 nights per YEAR, he's not the king ffs!

lunar1 · 15/10/2014 08:11

I think I must be missing something here, of course there shouldn't be empty rooms when space is so tight but honestly your husband is the worst kind of lowlife.

Are his first two children disposable? What is his justification for basically abandoning his children? My brother and his wife live a good 3 hour drive away but see my children more than this.

How will you feel when he fucks off to his next family has more children and only sees yours for 12 nights a year. I guess there is nothing to stop him having as many children as he wants when he takes such little responsibility.

Your issues are so much bigger than the size of the house.

Surfsup1 · 15/10/2014 08:32

It seems pretty clear that you need a bigger house.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2014 08:32

I don't understand who would be happy with only seeing their children one night a month, either. Or moving to a smaller house.

It sounds as if his job is more important to him than any of his children, to be honest.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2014 08:34

(Sorry, I meant - I don't understand tho would move to a smaller house with so many children to consider.)

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2014 08:35

Who, not tho! (Giving up)

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