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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it isn't necessary to have the house ever-ready for DSC?

83 replies

CloudiaPickle · 14/10/2014 22:49

DSC are 6&8. My DD is 8, and our DDs together are 2.5 and 6 months. We're moving for DHs job and our new house is smaller. It has three bedrooms and DH has proposed that we put two lots of bunk beds in the master bedroom for the three girls (and later, baby), and that DSS (8) has the third bedroom.

He has told DS his drum kit can be set up in the lounge, limiting the space drastically. He has refused a smaller dining room table his mum offered so the dining room is extremely cramped with a table that seats 8 and we can't fit a highchair for about to be weaning DD. My DD received a birthday present my brother built for her and has played with it every single day since her birthday in June - as has our toddler - but the extra bunk beds mean this will no longer fit in her bedroom, or anywhere else.

I love my DSC and obviously want them to feel welcome and at home but they are here one night per month at most, perhaps a few extra in holidays. DH has agreed this and it isn't about to change so I feel it's unfair on our DC to be so restricted by having the house ever-ready for SDC who are here so little. Both DDs would happily give up their beds for them and camp in the lounge when they stay but DH insists they need their own permanent beds and rooms. AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 08:39

Koala people who have had to move for a job and can't afford a bigger house in the new area.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/10/2014 08:46

Fair point. I would suggest such people can't afford to have 5 children whilst also being sexist twats about separate rooms for boys.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 08:47

However, the Op's name has just 'clicked' and past threads are coming back to me. This issue can't be tackled in isolation, it really can't.

Cloudia - sweetheart. Don't do it. Just be on your own with your kids, let him carry on the absolute madness with his ex & his kids and you raise yours & the little joint ones. Moving in together will just bring you more and more heartache. Your Ex was abusive so this guy seems 'better' he's not so much better as 'different'. You and the kids deserve better x

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 08:54

Sorry chippednailpolish I didn't read the thread between my last post last night and posting this morning.

Woozlebear · 15/10/2014 08:59

I can only assume his son gets treated so specially because he's frantically trying to over compensate / minimise his guilt for know little time he spends with him.

But why the dss gets special treatment over the dsd is unfathomable.

OP it sounds like there's a lot of bad arrangements here that are all feeding into one another and creating more bad decisions and bad arrangements. You need, at the very least, to work backwards several steps and start rearranging things bottom up. None of this is going to work out well, practically or emotionally. He needs to see his children more, all the kids need to be treated more equally, and you need a bigger house.

Loveloveloveher · 15/10/2014 09:07

Was thinking the exact same thing Chipping

He says it's non negotiable

That's not on. Who does he think he's talking to? I would kick off if my partner told me how to arrange our own home. Of course its negotiable, it's your home too!

Good luck with it all!

HavanaSlife · 15/10/2014 09:14

He is being utterly ridiculous. The hpuse needs setting up so it is liveable for those who are there full time. Bunk beds and a bit of juggling when dscs are there once a month and the drum kit upstairs

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 09:22

Woozle his DS has to be 'encouraged' into the car for visits as his Mum is obstructive and tries to make him want to stay 'at home' with her by telling him all the things he would be missing out on if he goes to his Dad's :(

A lot needs to be different about this situation, but frankly, the bedrooms and drum kit are the least of the OPs actual problems :(

pluCaChange · 15/10/2014 10:45

CloudiaPickle, he sounds very selfish, and will make you all unhappy.

If you can't think how to change this momentum you seem to be in, check out this thread. The OP had her head screwed on; she saw a disadvantage to living with someone whose demands were against her and her children's interests; she put things off; and she ended up happier because of it.

Whatever your H is demanding, and however inevitable he tries ot make it all seem - moving house, sharing out rooms in this lopsided way - it really doesn't have to be like that. You are a real, living person; you can say no.

skylark2 · 15/10/2014 10:58

Get rid of the double bed for an eight year old whose room is so small it then can't fit a drumkit in, that's ridiculous.

I wouldn't even put a single in there to be used for one night a month. I'd get a decent folding bed (which turns into a chair?) and have both DSS's drumkit and the big toy in there. Put the big toy away when DSS comes to stay, they can manage a weekend without it.

As far as the bunk beds go, your little DD is too small for this right now but what might work for your older DD + DSD is a high bed with a desk and single futon/chair underneath. Lots of room and usable furniture most of the month, a second bed when DSD comes to visit. My DD has one because her bedroom is minute - it has a metal fold out single bed which is really comfortable.

And get an extendable dining table.

Non negotiable? Say "no, I'm not negotiating, I'm telling you we're not having this."

dinkystinky · 15/10/2014 11:05

He sounds an absolute arse - why does he get final say on everything, the house, the drum kit (who the hell needs a drum kit in a house for one night a month anyway?), the double bed etc?

Single bed in the third bedroom (with truckle underneath) and put in the play item in there. Drum kit in garage. Extendable table with stackable or folding extra chairs.

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2014 11:35

Cloudia, this thread is so different from your other threads.

Does he have more than one ex with children by him?

Comparing this thread to your thread in September, you have a different number of children, your partner wasn't living with you and your children are different ages.

Can you tell us which is the right version?

ImperialBlether · 15/10/2014 11:36

I imagine he bought his son a drum kit for Christmas/birthday without talking to his ex about it and she has said she doesn't want it in her house, so it has to be kept at his own house, where there isn't room for it.

skylark2 · 15/10/2014 11:42

Good point, Imperial.

Cloudia, is your DSS 6 or 8? And you weren't even living with your DH two weeks ago!

Oldraver · 15/10/2014 11:59

Dont waste your time and energy...just another one of the resident MN drama llamas

waithorse · 15/10/2014 12:00

He sounds an awful person. Hope you're ok today op This can't be easy. Brew

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 15/10/2014 12:00

He's not there 3 in 4 weekends and the one weekend he is there, your DSC are there too? Then you get to choose, not him.

You get the master bedroom. The children in permanent residence get the other two rooms. They can have a trundle bed under bottom bunk in one room bed for when the boy stays and uses third bedroom. Or blow up matresses downstairs, whichever is best for you.

SusannahReid · 15/10/2014 12:02

She name changes almost every week and often tries to disguise her posts by changing details, like the amount of children and how old they are. She then becomes confused and confuses others. There are many such threads going back years. Tis sad.

CaptainAnkles · 15/10/2014 12:15

Oh, it's a tall tale is it? Quite glad then really, it was bothering me to think about what an arse this nonexistent man is. Or isn't. Hmm

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 12:27

captainankles I wouldn't say that, I think the OP very much needs help and needs to see that this bloke is one who should be dumped.

CaptainAnkles · 15/10/2014 12:30

If she keeps posting stuff like this and has this many people telling him he's an arse and won't listen, I'm not sure why she's posting. It should be clear that she's not his priority and he won't change (if the details are even true, I'm confused now)

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2014 12:30

So you and your dh have decided to move to a house so small that it's only really suitable for your children but hey no problem cause his can just kip on a lilo and eat off their knees on the rare occasions you are able to have them. Nice, the pair of you sound really nice.

What your dh is proposing is not wonderful but your solution is one step short of putting them in the shed and sends a really clear signal that this must, in no way, be considered a home by them.

ChippingInLatteLover · 15/10/2014 12:34

She is posting, I believe, because she is deeply unhappy but feels somewhat trapped by it all. Some people take a long, long time to get up the courage to get out of bad relationships :(

Barbarian how is the OP's children sleeping in the lounge so that the DSC can have the beds when they come to stay, akin to putting them in the shed. The DSC will be staying one night per month, if at all (and that's down to the mother of the SC not wanting them to and the father working 3 out of 4 weekends, not the OP!).

Artandco · 15/10/2014 12:47

Bedroom 1 - you, dh and 6 month old ( can stay a few years in cot bed)

Bedroom 2 - 8 year old, plus one both step children. Gets room to self most the time, plus shares with similar ages when needed

Bedroom 3 - 2.5 year old ( eventually add baby), gets own room as smallest so disturbed easiest. Plus it's box room so smallest

Get 6 seater table, that opens and extends to 8

Get rid of drums in tiny house

CaptainAnkles · 15/10/2014 12:47

There is a happy middle ground between making the SDC feel like second class citizens on airbeds and giving them a ton of space that they will only use 12 nights a year at the expense of children who actually live there! The bunk beds or those beds that had a spare bed tucked under them is a great suggestion but if her partner would even discuss it, I can't see a way forward without including the phrase LTB.