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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch the lot of them over a wedding invite?

92 replies

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:36

Basically I've had enough of being sidelined and forgotten about and made to feel like shit by my family. They are all outgoing, centre of attention, everyone loves them people but they hurt me all the time. If I say anything then I'm being 'too sensitive'. I feel like I don't exist when it comes to my family, apart from being the butt of their 'jokes'.

Now my sister is getting married in December and because of 'restrictions on numbers' DH and I have only been invited to the evening do, my 2 children are not invited. My other 2 sisters and 3 brothers, their partners and all their kids have been invited to the whole event, as have several of my parents neighbours.

This isn't a one off, it's the final straw in a long line of really hurtful things where my feelings are marginalised and I'm made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I have AS so am already extremely isolated, cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children. It seems quite extreme but I just don't know how to protect my mental health anymore.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 14/10/2014 12:37

Why are they not inviting your children?

Original poster

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:38

Because there are already too many going.

OP posts:

JumpRope · 14/10/2014 12:41

So there are 7 of you siblings. One is getting married, the other 5 are invited to the whole day, and just you are evening only? That's pretty horrible.

Lottapianos · 14/10/2014 12:41

Loads of sympathy OP. I feel like this within my family too - the 'black sheep', the 'oversensitive one', the drama queen. Its so hurtful.

With difficult/toxic/dangerous families, there does come a point where you realise that your own sanity and sense of well being are being damaged by their behaviour. Family or not, you do not have to put up with being made to feel like the odd one out. Their exclusion of your children, while inviting your siblings children is really not on, and must be extremely painful for you. You are not at all unreasonable to feel how you do.

LadyLuck10 · 14/10/2014 12:42

Then I would rather not go and let them get on with it. If all kids are excluded then it's fine, but if it's only one siblings kids then I think that's really horrible. It's a poor excuse too, because you are direct family not some random relative.

MrsCumbersnatch · 14/10/2014 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/10/2014 12:45

Why do they treat you like this? Is there any reason they have given? Obviously I am aware that any reason they have given will be total bullshit, I just really struggle to understand how people can be so callous like this.

If my sister did this to me I would quite simply tell her to shove her invite up her arse.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/10/2014 12:46

Wow. That's incredibly hurtful and I'd feel exactly the same way. I'm sorry that your family would treat you like that.

Original poster

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:46

I suppose I should be grateful I even got an invite. When my parents had a big surprise do for their silver wedding anniversary I didn't get invited at all. The first I knew was when my sister turned up to get me that evening because my mum spotted I wasn't there. I was really hurt so didn't want to go. My sister went completely beserk, screaming in my face, because of how utterly selfish I was being and then didn't speak to me again for almost a year.

OP posts:

TTTatty · 14/10/2014 12:46

That is very hurtful and I think you would be more than reasonable to say -'actually I find it really hurtful that you are excluding me and mine from your event'

Sometimes people, even family, behave in a manner that is difficult to handle. The only way I have found to deal with it is to think you cannot change what they do but you can decide how you want to react to it - and in this instance I would be explaining how hurt I feel and stepping away for my own good.

VanGogh · 14/10/2014 12:47

How vile of them.

You, your partner and your children are worth more than that.

Why not invest the money you would have wasted on them, on attending, the expected babysitter, the gifts etc on a really special family day for you guys? What about a really special day at a theme park for you all? If you can stretch to an overnight then do.

RSVP no and spend time with your immediate and important family.

I would cut them off personally, that behaviour is just malicious

sonjadog · 14/10/2014 12:47

That is a horrible way to treat you, OP. I am sure you are very hurt. I would be if I were in your position.

Bowlersarm · 14/10/2014 12:48

Very hurtful OP. I'd find it hard to get over that I must admit.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/10/2014 12:48

They are bullies. Quite simply. I think your life would be much nicer without them.

momb · 14/10/2014 12:49

If your five other siblings and their partners and children have all been invited to the whole day than YANBU to be terribly hurt and upset to find that you only have an evening invitation and your children are not invited.

I would step back from the family for a while. Clearly there are other issues which you don't mention here but being sidelined by them will not, as you say, affect your mental health well.

Talk to your husband about it: is he aware of the snub? If you do decide to go NC with your family it will impact on you as a couple and with your children too so do discuss the best way forward with him.

dreamingbohemian · 14/10/2014 12:52

That's awful. I don't think you should go, just tell them you can't get any childcare or something.

I too have problems fitting into my family (I am also 'too sensitive') and over the years I have just internally distanced myself without making any big drama of it. Am much happier now.

So you don't have to have a big discussion with them or anything awkward, just decline invitations, make the occasional appearance when it suits you, just get on with your own life basically. If you are worried about being isolated then make more of an effort with new people.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 12:52

That sounds shitty. I'd be tempted to ask them to shove the invitation up their arse.

dreamingbohemian · 14/10/2014 12:53

Is it just your siblings who treat you this way or your parents too? It sounds like your mum wanted you there at her party.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 12:54

That is awful, that snub basically tells you what they think of you, and how they see you. Numbers my left foot, your sister invited the rest of your siblings and partners and kids to the whole day accept you, who only got a measly evening invite and not extended to your children. I would go NC with the lot of them, they don't make you feel good, and by the sounds of it bring not much to your life.

LittleBairn · 14/10/2014 12:55

That's awful we had a small wedding so a lot of family were not invited but only giving your sister and evening invite really is an insult!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2014 12:55

Your sister sounds awful really toxic, you are better just distancing yourself from them, and keeping contact with your parents.

ChasedByBees · 14/10/2014 12:57

Ditch them. You are worth more than that.

As an aside, are there any ways you could grow your local friendship network? Any things about hobbies you may have in common with others on Facebook for example?

BreconBeBuggered · 14/10/2014 12:58

They sound bloody vile. Get the cheapest RSVP card you can find, write the date on it and scribble 'I don't fucking think so. Toodle-oo' on it. And don't speak to them again. It's not the most dignified response, but they don't deserve gracious and they're not worth another second's pain.

KnackeredMuchly · 14/10/2014 13:00

They are awful and toxic

You are worth so much more than them.

Fuck 'em

maninawomansworld · 14/10/2014 13:03

I read the title of this thread and though that you probably were BU as DW and I got married a few years back and we were shocked by some of the reactions we got when the invites went out, people getting all bent out of shape about nothing really!

However - you're only invited to the evening do of your own sister's wedding yet all your other siblings are going? What the fuck?
I'd start by asking if it is some sort of mistake as you cannot fathom why the fuck she would do this to you. Then if / when she confirms it's genuine I'd cut her out of my life. Don't even RSVP.

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