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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch the lot of them over a wedding invite?

92 replies

SidelinedSister · 14/10/2014 12:36

Basically I've had enough of being sidelined and forgotten about and made to feel like shit by my family. They are all outgoing, centre of attention, everyone loves them people but they hurt me all the time. If I say anything then I'm being 'too sensitive'. I feel like I don't exist when it comes to my family, apart from being the butt of their 'jokes'.

Now my sister is getting married in December and because of 'restrictions on numbers' DH and I have only been invited to the evening do, my 2 children are not invited. My other 2 sisters and 3 brothers, their partners and all their kids have been invited to the whole event, as have several of my parents neighbours.

This isn't a one off, it's the final straw in a long line of really hurtful things where my feelings are marginalised and I'm made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I have AS so am already extremely isolated, cutting my family off will mean I have no social contact beyond DH and my children. It seems quite extreme but I just don't know how to protect my mental health anymore.

OP posts:

thecheekofthem · 14/10/2014 18:07

Agree with all the posters

Make sure you plan a fantastic day out with your DH and kids

And now that you officially dont have to worry about family try to slowly work on making friends. Not easy but one step at a time is well worth it. Good luck.

LiverpoolLou · 14/10/2014 18:15

Thank you for all the kind supportive replies. I couldn't respond earlier as 18 month old ds was ransacking the house.

I'm not going. I think I knew that when I posted and just needed confirmation that it was ok not to go. I'm thinking that I'll just not bother to reply. I think I'm so unimportant to them that they won't even notice.

I have been distancing myself for the last couple of years and this is probably the end result. We live a couple of hours away and I realised it was always me instigating contact. I think I was hoping they would put in some effort, but they haven't. I last saw my parents and the 2 who live at home in May and the rest in the August before that. I gave in and rang my mum last week, which was the first contact since May. So no, I don't think I'll be missed at all.

LiverpoolLou · 14/10/2014 18:19

Name change fail. Oh arse now I've probably completey outed myself.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 14/10/2014 18:19

Sounds like they treat you horribly OP, do they all act this way towards your kids? Even if they don't how do your kids (presuming they are old enough to notice) feel seeing and hearing their parents being treated so shabbily?

I don't think it's extreme to cut them off at all, I think they are fucking lucky that you love them so much you've given them all these chances. By now, many would have gone NC which is the least they deserve.

Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding. I wouldn't engage at all. I would send back a 'cannot attend' RSVP, either tick their own provided or send back 'we will be unable to attend. We wish you a happy life together' and never speak to them again. Refusing to engage and argue and shutting them down before they try to argue, gas light and minimise you. Otherwise they will guilt, manipulate or shame you back around.

These people are professional bullies, including your mum who helps things along and enables. It's horrible and I'm so sorry OP, you need to do what's best for you though. If you go NC it will be very hard at first, they'll try all kinds and harass you but in the long run you are without that toxicity.

LittleBearPad · 14/10/2014 18:23

You can report your posts and MNHQ can change the name I'm sure.

On the proper topic though. Sod the bastards and I hope you have a lovely life without them

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 14/10/2014 18:27

Oh awesome just seen your update OP, sorry I missed it before.

In short, fuck the lot of them- if they don't miss you then they don't appreciate you and they aren't worth your time.

Lottapianos · 14/10/2014 18:27

I think that's a good choice OP. They are not worth a reply. Please remember to come back to these boards if you have guilty/sad/difficult thoughts in the future. Well done for putting yourself first

Hissy · 14/10/2014 18:29

who cares if you do out yourself, your family deserve to have the world know what a shower of wankers they are.

please tell them you'll not be coming to this or any other event and that you wish them all the same amount of love and happiness that they've shownfor you.

combust22 · 14/10/2014 18:34

I agree - who cares if you have outed yourself. Hold your head up high- it's them who have been arseholes.

helensburgh · 14/10/2014 18:34

Many hugs, you are doing the right thing.

mummytime · 14/10/2014 18:45

You are doing the right thing.
It may be hard to make new friends, but anything (including none) is better than this "family".
Try the normal stuff - people connected to your children, your children's needs, interests you have and so on.

Leeds2 · 14/10/2014 18:56

Another one who thinks you are doing the right thing.

Smilesandpiles · 14/10/2014 18:57

They hate my DH because he's not like them and take the piss out of him mercilessly. DH has Asperger's and takes things very literally so they use this to trip him up and all laugh about it behind his back, same as they do to me.

Thay are cunts. End of. And I don't use that word lightly.

Get them out of your life, your kids lives and your DH's lives NOW. Your life will be so much better without them, your mental health will improve and you will be happier, you will make new and better friends because you will find better people than your bastard of a so called family to talk to.

I'm actually angry for you and furious for your DH.

ChocolateWombat · 14/10/2014 18:57

I don't know what conversations you have had in the past with your family about how you feel about how they treat you, or what capacity they have to understand, but I suspect their understanding and empathy is limited.

I guess the time of the wedding isn't the time to create a family row (although they have caused the situation) but after the event, perhaps you could write them a letter, just simply saying that you found it very hurtful to be the only sibling not invited fully to their sisters wedding, and you hope they understand and can imagine how they would feel in a similar circumstance. You can say that you are not looking for a row, but just to express how you feel and hope they will be able to understand.
If you wanted you could mention that over time you have felt increasingly distanced from them. That you felt you had previously made the effort, but have backed off a little,to allow them to initiate contact, but none has really been forthcoming.
If you can bear it, you could ask the question - as a family member, do they value you and want the relationship to keep going?

Horrid situation to be in. I am sorry you find yourself in it.

Purplepoodle · 14/10/2014 19:43

Yikes op never ind the invite run for the bloody hills. Move out of the area and don't tell them where you live. Your life would be so much better without them

DoJo · 14/10/2014 20:03

YADNBU - you, your husband and your daughter all deserve better.

when my uncle's drunken violent girlfriend smashed my windows and threatened me with a knife and I had to call the police. A week later I go round to my parents and she's sat there having lunch with them.

If you don't cut them off, then you will be doing the same thing, only to yourself. If anyone but your family had treated you like this, you wouldn't even consider spending time with them - you KNOW that it's not normal to welcome someone into your home if they have treated you or those precious to you so appallingly, so don't play along and turn up to an event organised by and for people that treat you like crap.

You can protect your daughter from growing up with them in her life and you might even find that losing the emotional baggage they have saddled you with makes it easier for you to invest time and energy into friendships with people who aren't complete wankers.

saintlyjimjams · 14/10/2014 20:15

MN will change your name on your 'outed' posts if you want them to.

I wouldn't go to the wedding, but don't stress yourself out with a big fall out - just don't bother replying. I agree with others to book a special treat that weekend with your own family - you don't need to be around people not worthy of the name xx

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